Mountains Wanted (37 page)

Where was her support? Where
were the knowing glances and the hugs of solidarity? Where was the admiration
for her sacrifice of time with the man she loved?
Oh, that’s right,
Sarah thought,
it doesn’t exist. No one knows that he’s gone off to war and
left me broken hearted. I have to bear my pain and fear and missing him in
desperate, hopeless silence because he doesn’t belong to me anymore. And
what’s worse? As much as I wanted him, he never belonged to me.

***

Sarah had been charged
with keeping the wedding day itinerary flowing smoothly and she was grateful it
prevented her mind from wallowing in the self-pity she’d indulged in the night
before. She got everyone up in the morning, dressed, to appointments with
makeup artists and hairdressers, and to photo calls at precisely the right
times. She made sure everyone was fed and hydrated, particularly the bride. She
made sure everyone received the correct flowers and deftly juggled the caterer,
the musicians and the officiant. And most importantly, she single-handedly
prevented Mrs. Brock from ruining her daughter’s wedding day.

Finally everyone was in
place, the groom and groomsmen in their sharply angled line, looking so handsome
and debonair. The parents of the bride and groom were seated along with all the
guests. The bride, bridesmaids, and flower girl Gia waited in their positions
for the processional to begin, Sarah inching ever closer to breathing a
much-deserved sigh of relief. She’d calculated that she could officially relax
when the ring was on Rachel’s finger, but then adjusted the timeline to after
the kiss.
Hell, better make it the recessional just to make sure,
she
thought, knowing what a wild card Rachel could be, considering that a pregnant
Rachel was bound to be that much more unpredictable and volatile.

At last the processional
music began to well up through the red rock formations, which was “Canon in D,”
since Mrs. Brock had deemed “Here Comes the Bride” much too pedestrian for such
a sophisticated affair. When Rachel had fired back with, “We’re standing on a
mountaintop, Mom, not in a fucking cathedral,” Sarah knew it was going to be a
long day. Not surprisingly, with a few more sharp-tongued exchanges, Mrs.
Brock got her way, as usual. Sarah had gently suggested to Rachel that she
choose her battles wisely.

Sarah swallowed to get
the taste of that conversation out of her mouth, then searched for her Auto
Pilot switch.
Just plaster a pleasant smile on your face and walk,
she
told herself,
that’s all you have to do now.
Her amethyst colored dress was
twisting around her waist. It felt loose even though she’d just had it altered
the month before.
I’ve lost weight since he left,
she realized.
He
took my appetite with him.
She watched the silky material slide against the
silver strap of her shoe with each step down the white cloth-covered aisle,
slowly glancing side to side at the guests in the white wooden chairs, each row
bedecked with fresh flowers.  

Rachel and Jack had
chosen the place for the ceremony from pictures they perused online. When Sarah
had first seen the venue earlier that morning, she’d gasped. It was just
fifty yards or so from the place she and James had hiked to after their picnic
in March. Standing there four months later, Sarah heard his words - his
admission that he loved her - echoing through the canyon. She begged the music
to drown out that memory in her mind.

At last the bridesmaids,
flower girl and bride were in place and the officiant began the welcome and
offered a prayer. 
This day is not about me
, she reminded herself. While
everyone else’s eyes were closed and heads bowed, she studied her best friend,
who looked like a little cloud of white perched on the mountaintop, clutching
her bouquet of pink and white stargazer lilies and purple irises against her
stomach as if morning sickness had begun to plague her again. Sarah thought
about how she’d known this woman for nearly twelve years, how they’d been
through births and crumbling marriages and divorces and grad school and moves
together. She realized today was their first wedding together, but surely the
first of many.
Someday in the not too distant future,
Sarah thought with
a gulp,
we’ll be watching Abby and Owen and Thomas and Gia walk down the
aisle with the men or women they love. And the new baby too. And then we’ll be
watching our babies have babies. I just hope they are all happy.

And maybe this is my
happy ending after all,
she
sighed,
just getting to be a mother and an academic and enjoying a life rich
with beauty and intellectual pursuits. 
She choked back a tear thinking
about how truly blessed she was to have a loyal friends like Rachel, Jack and
Pawel, how blessed she was to have a mother and brother who understood her and loved
her unconditionally. Then she considered that having an amazing man like
James come into her life like a whirlwind, knowing from the beginning that he
would break her heart, but allowing herself to love him with every fiber of her
being - despite her intuitions -
maybe that is a blessing too
.
Maybe
having loved and lost really is better than never having loved at all. I will
never regret loving him,
she realized, knowing she was a better person for
seeing what depths her heart was capable of reaching.

She listened to her best
friend’s bold, melodic voice carrying across the mountain as she recited her
vows, looking deeply into the eyes of her beloved. She watched her slip a ring
onto his finger and promise that she would love him until death parted them. She
watched Jack do the same, making her best friend his wife, vowing to love her
and cherish her till the end of time. A she watched them exchange this
beautiful promise, she realized that just bearing witness to great love is a
blessing. Knowing that two people desire for every part of themselves to
be intertwined forever is a blessing.
Maybe I won’t ever have that for
myself
, she thought,
but I can feel blessed for those who do.

As the officiant
pronounced Jack and Rachel husband and wife, Sarah scanned the range of Rockies
in the distance, watching the lavender mist rolling in around Pike’s Peak,
remembering how James had looked against that majestic backdrop. He
suddenly felt so close to her, as if his body was pressing against her. She
heard his voice in her head and felt his arms around her.
His presence here is undeniable
, she realized.
He’s still with me
.

A teardrop slid down her
cheek and onto the silky petal of a lily in her bouquet. Anyone watching
would have thought she was moved to tears at the sight of her best friend in
the world marrying the man she loved. But no...as happy as Sarah was for
Rachel, this tear was something else, spawned from the presence she felt and an
anthem beginning to rise all around her. As she soaked up the image of the red
rocks silhouetted against the darker gray mountains and the highest ranges’ silver
splendor in the distance, every part of her body and mind resonated with a
vibrating sound ascending to the heavens. She was enveloped in the chorus of a
million voices from within and beyond ringing out with a solitary message.

The rocks are crying out
to me
, she smiled through the
tears,
and I believe...no…I know...he hears them too.
As she focused her
eyes on the exact spot where James first professed his love, a renewed hope
coursed through her more strongly than anything she’d ever felt in her life.
This
isn’t over,
she trembled at the thought, her heart feeling like it was
about to explode with love.

This mountain can still
be climbed.

THE END