Mountains Wanted (31 page)

Before another thought
could squeeze its way to the forefront of her mind for processing, she saw
Owen’s dark head peek around the corner and into her room. “Mom!” he squealed
and ran to her while Abby sauntered in behind him. He made a running leap to
the bed, pushing the table with flowers out of the way and nearly tripping over
her IV. Sarah felt a stabbing pain as he threw his wiry 70 pound frame
against her bandaged ribs.

“Oooooh, slow down
there, baby,” Sarah winced. “I’m still in some pain.”

“Sorry, Mom,” his eyes
were wide with apology.  

“I’m so glad you’re
okay,” Abby said, sitting gingerly on the bed and trying not to stare too much
at all the monitors her mother was hooked to.

“I feel so much better
just having you both here with me,” Sarah remarked as another party entered the
room. It was a young, attractive state trooper. He smiled at the
scene of mother and children on the hospital bed.

“Dr. Lynde?  I’m
Officer Chadd,” he greeted her, shaking her hand.

“Can my kids stay?”
 she asked immediately.

He nodded and began to
ask her what she remembered from the night before. She told him about the
veering headlights, the car side-swiping her and sending her careening off the
road. “Is the other driver okay?” she questioned.

“He’s in critical condition,”
Officer Chadd replied. “Young kid. Only 22 years old. Seth Zielinski is his
name.”

The color drained from
Sarah’s face. She suddenly felt like she was going to vomit. “What’s wrong,
Mom?” Owen asked, ever-perceptive when someone was agitated or upset.

“He was one of my
students.”

***

   
       
A
couple of hours later, Rachel tiptoed into the room as silently as she could
muster with high heeled boots clicking against the dull, cold tiled floor. Sarah
was dozing lightly but awoke enough to sense her best friend’s presence and
motioned for her to sit down beside her on the bed. “Did the kids go home?”
Sarah murmured.

Rachel nodded. “Yes,
your mom took them just after they saw you. They went to get something to eat
too.”

Sarah’s head was
pounding and she realized it was time for another dosage of pain medication. She
knew they were giving her narcotics which had made her a little loopy, but she
was starting to piece together the timeline of what had happened. “I’m
glad you guys came,” she said. “I’d feel pretty lonely here all by
myself.”

“James is still here,” Rachel
told her. “He asked if you got the flowers.”

Sarah sat up. “The
flowers are from James? James is here?” Her head suddenly felt clear
and unencumbered.

“Yeah, he’s been here
all day. They called him first cause he came up as the last call you’d made from
your cell. He called me and I called your mom. Sarah, he thinks you’re mad at
him and don’t want to see him.”

“I am mad at him,” Sarah
remembered.
He’s been waiting here all day? 
Her head was throbbing
as she thought about how he must feel knowing she wrecked leaving his house in
the middle of the night. “No, I’m not mad,” she revised her earlier statement. “I
just give up, that’s all.”

“What do you mean you
give up?” Rachel questioned. “Since when do you give up on anyone or anything?”

“I think he should be
with Maggie,” Sarah admitted. “I can’t make him happy. I’m holding him back
from making a happy life with the woman he loves.”

“Why don’t you let him
decide that?” Rachel asked sharply. “For fuck’s sake, Sarah, you seem bound and
determined to push him away as many times as you can. Why are you doing that?”

Sarah buried her aching
head in her hands. “I wish I knew,” she whispered.

“I’m going to go get
him,” Rachel announced and was gone before Sarah had a chance to protest.

Sarah reached over and
grabbed the card that had been attached to the flowers off the table and slowly
ripped opened the little envelope. It simply said:  
I’m sorry.
James.
Sarah wanted to rip the card up.
What the fuck is he sorry about?
Sorry we fought? Sorry he doesn’t want to be with me? Sorry he’s in love with
two different women? Sorry he’s leaving?
Before she could postulate any
other scenarios she saw his broad frame hovering in the doorway. “Are you sure
you want to see me?” he asked.

Sarah nodded and watched
him walk to her bedside. He remained standing. “Why did you leave last night?”
he asked as if he couldn’t take a step further without hearing her answer.

Sarah was silent for a
moment and studied his face. He looked tired, like he’d been up all night. His
face was clenched with hurt and fear, his eyes looked gray with pain. She’d never
seen him look so serious. Then his eyes traveled up the length of her body,
encased in the white hospital bedding, tubes coming out of her arms and chest
and nose. She witnessed his entire countenance soften as if her pitiful
appearance had drained all of the concern about his own feelings out of his
mind.

He grabbed her hand and
bent to kiss her cheek. “Never mind,” he said, his lips close to her ear.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m just so glad you’re going to be okay.”

She could almost hear
his heart pounding in his ribcage as he straightened back up and waited for her
to say something. Anything. “James, I had an epiphany last night,” she
finally spoke.

His eyebrows raised.
 “What’s that?”

“I’m holding you back
from being with Maggie,” Sarah explained. “You’re conflicted about what you
want because I’m here and I’m so accessible. But I know how much you want a
traditional family and your own kids, and, well, I can’t give you those things.
I have to let you go. I have to let you go so you can be with Maggie.”

James’ face was blank,
completely devoid of expression as he processed Sarah’s words. Then he shook
his head, and a little vein popped up in his neck she’d never noticed before. He
cleared his throat, “No, Sarah, that’s not what I want.”

“No, but it’s what needs
to happen,” Sarah replied adamantly. She pulled the blanket up to her chest
realizing that the cold air and James’ presence had caused her nipples to
stiffen against the thin cotton material of the pink flowered gown she wore. His
mere presence was driving her completely crazy, despite her woozy head and
injuries.  

His eyes were piercing
through her now. “Please don’t play the martyr, Sarah. Look, I know you’re
in pain so I don’t want to make things worse, but it’s not for you to decide
what is best for me. I don’t know what I want right now and I realize
patience is not your strong suit, but I still want you in my life, Sarah. I
only have a couple of months before I leave and I want to be with you. I
want to spend time with you.”

Sarah had lost her
ability to speak. Her ears were ringing with disbelief. James continued,
“Look,  I don’t know what’s going to happen after I get back. I can’t
make you any promises but I want the chance to see what happens. I’m sorry I
had some issues last night. But I have a lot on my mind, and I’m getting ready
to go off to war. It has nothing to do with you or how attractive or desirable
I find you. It’s just a lot of shit in my head that I don’t know what to do
with right now.”

She nodded, the tears
starting up again. “I wasn’t mad about the issues you had; I just felt
like maybe you didn’t want me....and I don’t want to keep you from pursuing
what will make you happy...” Her voice trailed off before she weakly
added, “..if it’s not me...”

In addition to the
injury-induced pain, her body ached to touch him. As if sensing her need, he
sat on the bed and took her into his arms, carefully avoiding the tubes and
wires. Her head on his chest felt like home, despite the cold, sterile
 hospital bed. “You make me happy, Sarah. God, I can’t believe I almost
lost you,” he whispered, rocking her gently back and forth in his embrace. “I
love you.”

***

   
       
Rachel
drove Sarah home that evening after she was released. Pawel was busy in her
kitchen cooking a welcome home feast for her and the kids. Sarah was
overwhelmed with gratitude and gave him a hug and kiss as soon as she saw him. He
was very careful not to squeeze her around the ribs too hard. “So you’re out of
commission for a while, right?” he guessed, giving her a little wink.

“Yeah, I suppose so,”
Sarah replied as if she hadn’t made that connection yet. “Damn, that sucks.”
    

“Tell me about it,” he
agreed, stepping back to take a look at her from head to toe.  “You’re
still the sexiest woman I know, even in bandages.”

Sex has been the
furthest thing from my mind. How unusual
, she realized. She smiled and mouthed the words “thank you,”
trying not to get choked up again.

“Sarah, there’s
something else I want to tell you before the kids join us,” Pawel said, his
expression changing from bright to grave. Sarah looked at him expectantly. He
took her hand into his and guided her over to the table where he motioned for
her to sit down. “I want you to hear this from me, before you check your
email.” Sarah nodded. “The university sent out a message to all faculty this
afternoon,” he explained. “It was about the accident. They said you were
being released with non-life threatening injuries. But the student who hit
you...” He paused, trying to determine the most delicate way to articulate the
news.

“What, Pawel, just say
it...did he...?” Her heart plummeted like a broken elevator car crashing
down to the bottom of its shaft.

“He didn’t make it,”
Pawel said softly. “I’m so sorry.”

She shook her head as
the tears took over.
An unspeakable tragedy
. He pulled her into his arms
as the sobs ripped through her, the bandages tightening around her aching ribs.
He was so young...a senior...his whole life ahead of him
. She
remembered a paper he wrote for the research methods class she’d taught her
first semester there. How she’d met with him and helped him focus his research
topic. She thought about his family, his grieving parents, his roommates, his
friends.
Did he have a girlfriend? How was it that one bad choice could
alter the course of history? Why is it that one split second can change life
forever?
If she hadn’t been on that road, if she had been asleep in James’
bed, maybe he’d have made it home safely. 
Why is life so short and cruel?
No wonder I want to fill my life with as much love as I can. Love is the only
thing that transcends cold, hard, reality. The only thing that matters.

***

Sunlight sparkled on the
rippling waters of the Chesapeake as they crossed the four mile long bridge. The
bay was dotted with white sailboats and in the distance larger ships loomed
gray and stalwart on the gently rocking waves. Sarah hadn’t been over to the
Eastern shore since the previous summer when she’d taken Owen and Abby to the
beach. James had never been. She watched his fingers grip the steering wheel as
he concentrated on staying in his lane. 
I’d almost think he is a little
nervous to be driving over this bridge
, Sarah thought, noting how fixated
his eyes were on the pavement stretched before them. She glanced back at his
thick, sturdy hands and remembered the night she met him, how imagining his
hands caressing her body had sent chills up her spine.

As they progressed down
the highway, James took in the scenery of the Eastern shore, the arched bridges
over inlets and rivers, the flat rows of newly planted corn spreading to the
horizon, the stately pine trees reaching toward the sky. Sarah was reflecting
over their last night together, just a few days before, on the occasion of
James’ 30th birthday. She’d surprised him by coming over midweek, a
birthday cake and candles in tow. After she’d fed him cake and wine, she
undressed him, stretched him out on his bed and sensually massaged every inch
of his body with fragrant oils, underscored by flickering candlelight and soft
music. He said it was the best birthday present he’d ever received.

That’s when she’d
announced, “I’m not done yet. I’m also taking you to the beach this
weekend.”

“The beach?  What
beach?” he had questioned, his curiosity well-piqued.

“Assateague,” she’d
replied, grinning.

“
Assa
-what?”
he’d looked at her quizzically.

She’d laughed,
remembering her similar response when she had first heard about the island on
the Eastern shore of Maryland where wild ponies frolicked on sandy beaches and
grazed on sweet bay grasses. She thought the rumors must be greatly exaggerated
till she saw the sweeping beauty of the marshes and the beach, and of the
course the wild ponies, with her own eyes. Her soul connected to the magic
of the island the very first time she set foot on its sandy soil and all she
could think about was sharing it someday with someone she loved. It seemed
a fitting place to take James to celebrate his birthday, as well as the end of
the semester she’d narrowly survived, and of course, her recovery from the
accident. She felt blessed. Assateague was a good place to celebrate blessings.

They made it to the
beach and she helped James set up their tent in a small valley of sand dunes
several yards from the water. There was a bit of shrubbery but otherwise they
were quite exposed to the wind and elements. “Good thing it’s not supposed to
rain this weekend,” Sarah remarked. “It’s still going to get pretty cold at
night though so you’re gonna have to keep me warm.” She winked at him as if she
was issuing a challenge.

“It’s probably better to
come later in the summer,” James replied, surveying the stakes and adjusting
the tarp over the top of the tent.

“Well, you’re not going
to be here later in the summer,” Sarah retorted coldly, hating to remind them
both of that stark reality when she really wanted to have a peaceful, relaxing
weekend.
Allow me just one more weekend of denial,
she begged.
This
may be the last one we have together...ever
. That last word rang through
her mind like the tolling of a funeral bell.

He pulled her into his
arms and kissed her softly on the cheek. “This place is beautiful, Sarah, and
I’m glad to be here with you. Right here, right now, there’s no place else I’d
rather be.” He bent to taste her lips, feeling the heat rising between them
even as the cool spring wind whipped around their embrace.

“Oh, and it’s relatively
calm here now,” Sarah said. “Later in the summer it’s crazy crowded here on the
weekends. Off season is much nicer...it’s just colder. That means fewer bugs
and more cuddling!”

James grinned, “It’s
fine, it’s fine. So what do you want to do first?”

Sarah’s devilish laugh
was lost in the wind but she pulled James close her again by the zipper of his
fleece hooded sweatshirt and whispered in his ear a few deliciously lascivious
thoughts. He unzipped the door to the tent and pushed her inside where he
fell on her, laughing. “We have to stay in here out of the wind,” he said. “I
don’t see us recreating any famous beach sex movie scenes this weekend!”

“Where’s your sense of
adventure, Mr. GI Joe?” Sarah smirked, unzipping his pants while he pulled
off his shirt. Seconds later they were both nude, hands and mouths exploring,
their verbal communication transitioning to purely physical communication. The
chill was quickly absorbed into the heat their bodies generated. She wrapped
her legs around his hips as he pushed his cock deep inside of her, her pelvis
grinding against him with every stroke. His lips never left hers as he took her
over the edge only moments after entering her.  

Afterwards she lay in his
arms awash in contentment. “Do you think it’s unusual that we’re still having
this much sex after nine months together?” she asked.

James chuckled, “Sarah,
I’ve never had this much sex with anyone at any point in any relationship.” He
kissed her cheek. “You have the highest sex drive of any woman I’ve ever
known.”

“Really?” Sarah asked. “Exactly
how many women have you...ahem...known?”

James lips were still
pulled into a smile. “Really? You really want to know a number?”

“Yeah, of course I do,”
Sarah replied. “It’s not like I’m going to get jealous. Do you keep
track?”

“Not really. I think
about 15 or 20.” She watched her face start to crunch that number factoring in
his age and lengths of his deployments and the relationships she knew about,
adding in Rachel and Felicity, the two women she’d watched him with.

“So I guess it’s safe to
say you’ve had some one night stands,” she surmised. “You’re a very good lover
for having had so few partners.”

“Twenty is ‘so few?’” he
asked, surprised. “What about you?”

“Ohhhh,” Sarah smiled
guiltily, wondering how he would react to her admission.  “I keep track.”

“Oh yeah?” his eyes
widened.  

“I haven’t been that
active in the last year...I’ve only been with four men this year,” she said,
watching his eyes twitch at the word “only.”  “I have had much
more...active...years though...in the past.”

“So, what are we
talking?” James questioned. “Fifty?”  He watched her eyes shift upwards,
indicating a higher number. “Triple digits?”

She laughed and playfully
slapped him on the stomach. “No, not yet. I am pretty sure I’m in the 60’s.”

“So you’ve had three
times more partners than I have,” James calculated, “and you still think I’m a
good lover?”

She grasped his hand and
leaned in close to his face. “Darling, you’re not just good, you’re the
best I’ve ever had.”  

He was silent for a
moment, humbled and awed by her assessment. His lips just inches from hers, he
inquired, “What makes me so good?”

She carefully considered
how she wanted to deliver a catalogue of praises that included glowing reviews
of his oral abilities and amazing endurance, but she knew it ultimately boiled
down to one thing and one thing alone: how much she loved him. She had never
felt this connection, this passion for another partner before. She didn’t even
know she was capable of being this captivated, this drawn to another person. It
was the interaction of their bodies, the intersection of their minds that
created their magic. She brightened as she discovered a way to explain it: “Do
you remember telling me that you were amazed at the way I always knew just how
and where and when to touch you?”

He nodded slowly, not
understanding what her recollection had to do with his lovemaking skills.

“Well, there’s a simple
reason why I’m able to do that. And why you’re able to reciprocate. We have
this connection that defies logic...it defies any law of nature. Our souls
speak to each other through our bodies. It’s not just you, it’s not just
me...the sum is greater than its parts.” She watched the understanding seep
into his expression. “I’ve never felt this depth or intensity with anyone
else.”

He said nothing, but
held her tightly against him. Nothing he could say would augment the beauty of
the words she’d just shared. She shut her eyes and listened to the steady
heartbeat emanating through his flesh and bone. She thought about her own
heart, contentedly pounding away in her newly healed rib cage, and wondered if
she could ever say the words that would make him want to hold her heart in his
hands forever.

***

   
       
In
the morning they witnessed the sun rise over the beach, which was deserted
except for a dozen shorebirds strutting in the surf. “The ponies aren’t even up
this early,” James remarked, glancing at his watch. “Not even 0600 yet. We
must be crazy.”

Dawn was a lady in pink
and amber robes, spreading her flowing sleeves across the horizon, spilling
gold onto the crests of faraway waves. “You’ll thank me someday,” Sarah
smiled, taking his hand as they strolled north. She had imagined walking like
this with a lover, their feet pressing into wet sand while the surf crashed
behind them, washing the record of their footprints away.
It may be in the
top ten cheesiest, supposedly romantic activities,
Sarah considered,
but
there is really something to it.
 

She breathed deeply as
they walked, slowly acclimating to the paralyzing cold of the Atlantic with
each wave that rippled over her bare feet. Her khaki pants were rolled up
to her mid-calves to avoid getting wet and she zipped her navy windbreaker up
to her chin while clutching onto James’ arm for added warmth.
The sun will
soon climb and warm the entire island
, she promised herself.
The cold
won’t last forever.  

She considered how lucky
she was to be walking alongside him. Only six weeks prior she’d been in the
hospital, grateful her life was spared in the wake of tragedy. It was the worst
time of the semester to deal with the repercussions of the accident. She got
behind in grading and then suddenly it was Finals Week, and she was still
dealing with the pain from her injuries plus nightmares over her former student
who had perished in the crash. Her mother, the kids, Rachel, Jack, Pawel and
James had all pulled together to make sure that Sarah remained rested, fed,
hydrated, caught up at work, and sane.
 I could not possibly have a
better support system
, she realized.
 I am blessed beyond measure.

What troubled Sarah the
most was despite being fully cognizant of her blessings, she still wanted more.
Here she was walking hand in hand with the man she loved, knowing he was going
off to serve and protect their country, yet she selfishly wanted him to stay
and be hers. There was no promise he would come back to her, either
literally or figuratively. There were no guarantees. Knowing the odds could be
stacked against her filled her with insecurities and an anxiety so strong that
not even her wisest, most well-developed synapses could fire the right soothing
words to allay her fears. And it was in quiet moments such as this walk on the
beach that she knew she should shut off the negativity and enjoy the peace and
joy she felt at being with him, but those unchecked and mounting fears rose up
like a fire-breathing dragon to expel words out of her mouth like a blast of
acrid flames.

“What is it about
Maggie?” Sarah asked, regretting the words before they were even fully
released.
Now I’m committed to it
, she realized, stopping for a moment
to literally dig her heels into the sand. “What draws you to her?”

She felt him stiffen. She
knew how much he hated talking about Maggie but she’d also told him
approximately four million times how important it was to talk openly about
their other partners.
Transparency
, she always preached. “She’s...,”
he paused to choose his words very carefully, “...smart and pretty, like you. But
she is much more traditional. She understands my family and comes from a
similar background as me. We share the same roots, you know?”

Sarah nodded. “What
else?  There’s got to be more than that,” she conjectured, secretly hoping
there wasn’t actually more.

“We want the same
things. We share the same views. She was an army brat too. She wants a
family,” James shared as if he was convincing himself as much as her.
 “And she’s Catholic. She wants a traditional Catholic upbringing for
her kids.”

“Really?” Sarah was
flabbergasted, never expecting faith to be on the list of Maggie’s positive
attributes. “I didn’t realize religion was so important to you.”

“Well, it’s not in a
fundamentalist, praying-all-the-time, going-to-confession sort of way, no,”
James explained. “But I think I want a religious foundation for my kids. Like
I had.”

Sarah struggled to
conceal her shock. She started to wonder about some of the things they had done
sexually and wondered how he reconciled them with his beliefs. 
Does he
think I’m a sinner?
she wondered. “So, if I could have kids and I was
Catholic, would you want to have kids with me?”