Mountains Wanted (34 page)

“You’ll always have a
special place in my heart, Sarah, always. I promise.” Those were the last
words he uttered. He wiped a final, stray tear from her cheek, got into his
car, and drove off into the starry night.

***

They headed to the
bridal shop for the final fittings with a week to go. “How are you holding
up?” Sarah asked her friend during the car ride to Annapolis. “Good,”
Rachel assured her. “I think that Jack is getting excited. I know we’ve
been fighting a lot, but I think it’s just because I was stressed and I’m
starting to see things fall into place now so it’s better. I’m feeling more in
control.”  

Sarah patted her
friend’s knee as she took the exit toward the shop. 
It is nice to see a
genuine smile on Rachel’s face again
, Sarah thought with relief. “I’m
really glad to hear that, sweetie.”

“I know you’re going
through a lot right now.” Sarah glanced from the road into her friend’s sincere
eyes, surprised to hear those words come out of Rachel’s mouth. “I just
wanted you to know how much I appreciate you,” she continued. “I know it
must be hard considering what’s going on with you and James.”

Sarah looked back down
at her grip on the steering wheel. She felt her palms tighten around the
leather. “I said goodbye to Pawel last night,” she said tensely, her eyes still
fixated on the road as she coasted to a full stop at a red light. “And next
week I say goodbye to James. My heart hurts.”

“I’m sorry,” Rachel
whispered, not knowing what else to say.

“Maggie was here this
week visiting him,” Sarah informed her friend. “I just don’t know what
else I could have said in Assateague. I threw myself at his feet. I
practically begged him to choose me.”

“Hasn’t he said a
million times he can’t choose anyone before he leaves?” Rachel clarified. “Why
are you pushing so hard?”

Sarah shrugged. “I
know him,” she said. “I think he will want to go with some sort of resolution. I
know that’s what he did the first time he deployed. Even if he doesn’t
tell either of us which way he is leaning, I still think he knows what he wants
in his heart of hearts.”

“Can you even imagine
going off to war?” Rachel asked empathetically. “I would be so fucking
scared. Who the fuck knows what kind of crazy, irrational stuff I might do
and say before I left.”

Sarah laughed, “You
are
going off to war. You’re getting
married.”  

Rachel laughed too and
started to gather up her things while Sarah searched for a parking space. Before
Sarah turned off the ignition, Rachel gave her a quick peck on the cheek and a
hug. “I love you, Sugarlips, and no matter what happens, you know I’ll be here
for you, right?”

Sarah nodded,
suppressing a tear. 
At the rate I’m going with crying, I’m not going to
have any tears left for when James leaves,
she mused.
Maybe that is for
the best.

***

Two nights before James
departed, he visited Sarah’s house to say goodbye to the kids. Rachel and
Jack joined them as well as Kathy, who had met James when Sarah was in the hospital
after her accident. Afraid it would be a somber affair, Sarah did her best to
keep the mood light, playing some happy music and trying to create a festive
atmosphere. Owen made a banner that said, “We’re proud of you, Lt. McAllister”
and had gotten his entire fifth grade class to sign it before school had let
out for the summer. James was completely overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness
of this young man but also remarked that he was not in the least bit surprised
that he had such compassion. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, after
all,” he’d laughed, giving Owen a salute and then a hug.

Abby had made James a
special dessert and a card in which she wished him well. Rachel and Jack
had also gotten him a card and expressed their regrets that he wouldn’t be joining
them on their special day. And finally, Sarah presented him with photos of
herself that he’d taken in Colorado as well as the Christmas photo of her and
the kids. Then she played a special slideshow with pictures she’d collected
throughout the time they’d been together, including ones that his students had
emailed her when she’d sent out a request to them before the semester ended. The
slideshow ended with a view of Pikes Peak from the spot where he’d first told
her that he loved her.  

James was fighting his
emotions. At one point in time, he excused himself to the restroom, and she
wondered if he was bolstering his resolve. She knew he’d be able to keep
it inside because he wouldn’t want the kids to see him cry. Even she had never
really seen anything more than a tear collect in the corner of his eye,
stubbornly refusing to fall. When he returned, he was full of smiles and
appreciation. He even gave a little speech about how he fully expected to Skype
with everyone and promised to keep everyone in the loop while he was away. “It’s
only nine months,” he reminded them. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

“I have one more thing
for you,” Sarah said, withdrawing a wrapped package from a drawer of the buffet
in the dining room where they were gathered.

“You’ve already done so
much! What else could you possibly give me?” he questioned.  Then he added
with a grin: “Nothing else mushy, I hope!” Everyone laughed.

“Just open it,” Sarah
commanded and he complied, his fingers ripping through the paper.

His eyes were wide as he
studied the package. It was an e-book reader. He flipped the switch and
saw it was pre-loaded with all of his favorite books plus a few of Sarah’s
favorites, ones she’d always said he needed to read. “And as soon as my book
comes out, you can add it too!” Sarah laughed.

He turned the reader
over in his hands and shook his head.  

“What’s wrong?” Owen
asked. “Don’t you like it?”

James was fighting that
tear again.  “Like it?” he echoed. “Owen, I absolutely love it. It’s the
best, most thoughtful gift I have ever gotten. Your mom knows how much I love
to read.  I couldn’t have asked for anything better.”

That night James crawled
into Sarah’s bed and they fell asleep curled together but clothed. They didn’t
make love. Sarah had still not decided if she could bear to make love to him
knowing it might be the last time.
 I have less than 24 hours to decide.

***

Sarah stumbled into his
doorway amidst a suitcase, two laptop bags, two grocery sacks full of books and
miscellanea and a huge canvas military bag. She felt nauseous seeing all his things
lined up in the hallway. 
He’s really leaving
, she thought.  
By
this time tomorrow, he will be gone.
He came around the corner and jumped
at the shock of seeing her. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in,” he
admitted, taking her into his arms.

She carried the sacks of
Chinese food into his dining room. She didn’t want him to dirty any dishes, and
she wasn’t sure she could get through dinner in public without crying. She
started to unpack the food while James grabbed paper plates from the kitchen.
Sarah was quiet. She scraped some rice and chicken onto her plate and sat
hunched, mindlessly chewing.
 I don’t know if I can do this
, she
thought.
Come on, Auto Pilot, help me out.
Then she realized:
No,
wait a minute, I need to feel this. I will regret this someday if I don’t
embrace the pain and let my heart feel the impact. That’s the only way I will
heal.

Then only a few moments
later:
I don't know why I'm being so crazy about this
, Sarah thought,
taking a sip of her soda and wishing she had brought wine to dull this
throbbing pain.
Is it that I worry about him not coming back alive or I
worry about him not coming back to me?
 Her selfish, egocentric
motivations were making her feel a combination of guilt, anger and resentment. She
didn't like these dark, ugly thoughts that were holding her mind hostage.

James was equally quiet
and subdued, not even asking Sarah what was going through her mind. It was as
if neither wanted to know what the other was thinking. 
That may be a
first,
Sarah thought, considering how many times she would have paid money
to explore the deepest recesses of James' mind.
He seems as distracted and
out of sorts as I do
, she thought.
Maybe my being here is a mistake.

She'd hardly seen him or
talked to him since Maggie visited the week before. When she’d asked him how
Maggie’s visit went, he was fairly evasive, the Old James. Sarah tried to
imagine her moving throughout James' house, stumbling over his laundry and
inadvertently knocking over a stack of books. She tried to imagine her
doing his dishes or combing her hair in his bathroom. She tried to imagine them
domesticating.
Would she make him happy? Could she?

Her mind went even where
her heart forbade. She envisioned them making love, James kissing her neck
the way he kissed her, Maggie's head thrown back in ecstasy as she climaxed around
his cock. She wondered if they curled together like pretzels afterwards or if
that was something special he only did with her.
Is there anything special
between me and James or are Maggie and I just interchangeable vaginas? Are we
just bodies to keep him warm at night, to provide companionship, to offer a
feminine perspective on the world?

James looked up from his
plate, his eyes looking tired and sad. "What's wrong with you
tonight?" he asked as if he didn't already know.

She glanced up at him,
her doe-like eyes meeting his as if to say:
Seriously?
 She stared
past those blue irises, deep into the black abyss of his pupils, analyzing the
pinpoint of white where the light reflected.
Don't you see this pain?
Don't
you see what you're doing to me?  
But she held her tongue from
speaking.

He silently stood up and
carried the dishes to the kitchen while she remained at the table, too numb to
move. No matter what the motivation was, no matter where her fears originated,
there was no denying that her heart was breaking at the thought of the potential
finality of their goodbye. There was some intangible quality in the air that
made her feel so desperate, so hopeless. She felt the pressing hand of
time squeezing the breath from her lungs.
           
"Let's
go sit in the living room," he suggested upon his return from the kitchen.
He grasped her hand and pulled her up, noting how weak and compliant she felt
in his grip, a rag doll. Lifeless.

His hand never left hers
from the time he made eye contact with her from their respective spots on the
sofa until the end of his speech. She knew by the way he cleared his throat
that what was coming was going to be a bomb detonating, the destruction of her
hopes. "Sarah, I have something I need to tell you."

Tell me, not ask me
, she thought. And she knew what was coming.

"I am going to ask
Maggie to marry me," he said bluntly, not even waiting for the knife he’d
stabbed into her heart to sink in. "We talked a lot about it when she
was here last week and I think it's what I want. She's going to move here and
get a job while I'm away. She loved it here," he added with an
inadvertent smile, twisting the knife a little deeper.

Her bleeding heart was
in her throat. She forced some of her pragmatism to rise to the surface, to
take over her speech. "I thought you said you weren't going to decide till
you returned,” she protested.

He nodded, as if it was
a question he anticipated. "I thought so too, but I changed my mind.” He
paused for a moment, then realized he should restate his position, “I love
her...and when I get back, we want to start a family."

The throbbing pain was
giving way to anger. "So nothing I said to you on Assateague matters?
You don't care that I am willing to have your baby? Nothing I said made any
difference to you at all?” The desperate conversation on the beach where she’d
thrown herself at his feet, promising him everything, surrendering her heart to
him echoed through her mind like the collateral rumblings of distant thunder.

His blue eyes were
trembling, filling with tears like icy pools. She noticed the crisscrossing red
streaks splintering through the white.
Red, white, and blue
, she
smirked. 
How patriotic.

"I thought a lot
about what you said," he admitted. "I tried to picture it...I tried
to picture us together like that."

Her eyebrows arched in a
very easily interpretable question mark.

"I couldn't do
it...couldn’t picture it....and I don't know why. I have feelings for you,
Sarah, but not in a family or marriage kind of way. I don't know why....there's
some sort of wall." He shook his head as if his being perplexed was all
the explanation she needed.

"What do you mean,
'wall?'" she fired back. "You shouldn't have any walls when it comes
to me. You can tell me anything; I want you to feel like you can tell me
anything." She felt like she was pleading, begging for a chance.
Just
a tiny golden chance
.

"Sarah, I don't
know how to explain it. I know I love Maggie and I can see us
together. I can picture it. I’ve known her for a very long time. I
pictured us together when we were still kids even. She and I are from the same
place and we’re at the same place in our lives now. You already have your kids
and you'd be starting over and I..."