Mountains Wanted (36 page)

Sarah nodded, biting her
lower lip to keep the tears at bay. "I am really happy for you,
sweetie!" She smiled, still somewhat unconvincingly.

"I know you're
happy for me, but you're also human," Rachel said. “You would have to
be a robot not to be struggling right now. Please, just be honest with me. I’m
worried about you.”

Sarah grabbed a tissue
from the vanity near the window. She blew her nose, flushing those threatening
tears out her sinuses. "You're right," she admitted. "I
don't know why I think I always have to be in control, always perfect and
altruistic. I guess, studying human behavior for a living, I must think I'm
somehow above it all."

Rachel nodded. "Have
you heard from him yet?"

Sarah shook her head,
"I don't expect to hear from him for a while, if ever, to tell you the
truth." 
After all, he wasn’t a great communicator when we were
together, I doubt us being thousands of miles apart is going to improve
anything.

Rachel looked surprised.
"Oh, he will be in touch," she promised. "I know he cares about
you a lot... You can tell by the way he looks at you.”

"I think what it
is," Sarah theorized, "is he's conflicted."  She
straightened up on the bed, transforming into her professorial alter ego. "On
the one hand, he thinks he's this straight-laced, traditional military guy who
wants the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids and the pretty wife who stays at
home. Cause that’s what he was taught, you know?"

Rachel reconciled that
with what she knew of James and Maggie. "Sure, that makes
sense."

"But," Sarah continued,
"I opened this whole new world to him that he didn't even know existed,
you know...total liberation, this unconventional lifestyle. I made him look
into his heart and mind and challenge all his notions of tradition. But he
still doesn't know if that is really him, if he can give up those ideals that
have been drilled into him since he was a young boy.”

"I think you have
James McAllister figured out to a T," Rachel surmised.

Sarah nodded. "Nothing
I say is going to change his mind though," she conceded. "He's just
going to have to figure out who he really is."

Rachel hugged her again,
"You're so smart, Lovechop! Only one of the million reasons I love
you!"

Sarah smiled and hugged
her back. "Enough about him," she said, changing the subject. "Let's
go see what the kids are up to and you can think about how you want to share
the big news!"

***

They arrived at the park
a little before the scheduled meeting time. Owen’s eyes first bypassed the
playground and fixated on the giant concrete circle that had fountains of water
streaming through the center of it. “Oh my gosh, Mom, look!” he screamed,
pointing. Children were splashing in the water of the pool that collected from
the center of the structure and their laughter carried on the summer wind
throughout the park. Even Sarah marveled at the way the huge sculpture
appeared to be a window to the mountains that served as its backdrop. She was
surprised she hadn’t ever taken the kids to this park when they still lived in
Colorado.

She motioned for Owen to
head out onto the playground and took a seat on a nearby bench. Her skin felt
like it was crawling with dread as she sat watching Owen run down a swinging
bridge made of two by fours and then slide down a metal pole on the other side
of the suspended platform. Abby and Kathy flanked her as if she needed
protection. 
Weakest bodyguards ever
, Sarah mused glancing from her
waify daughter to her frail mother. Across the playground, sauntering through
the gates opposite the huge fountain, she saw them. Daniel, shorter and
stouter than she remembered on one side and a petite redheaded woman on the
other, swinging a little boy with tousled red hair between them. She watched
his feet lift off the ground and his jubilant face giving way to a fit of
laughter as Daniel scooped him up and slung him onto his shoulders.  

Sarah wanted to feel
something stronger than what she felt, which was a mixture of apathy and
detachment. She knew that man was Daniel, but it was not the Daniel she had
known. The Daniel Taylor she had known would not have walked through the park
with her, a contented grin plastered to his face, swinging their son between
them. As the family approached, she felt her Auto Pilot kick on. She was
going to survive this, just like she did everything else.

She felt his arms wrap
around her first, before he even acknowledged anyone else. He whispered in
her ear, sounding sincerely filled with gratitude, “Thanks for agreeing to
this, Sarah. It means a lot to us.”

She was unable to
produce words by the time he’d broken from their embrace and begun to scan the
playground for Owen. Then he introduced his wife to Sarah, Abby and Kathy. “Everyone,
this is Nikki.” She waved a tiny, strained hello and stood back a little
bit to draw attention to the freckled, blue-eyed boy that came up just about to
Daniel’s knees. “And this is Sam,” Daniel announced.

Just then, Owen came
tearing across the playground and through the little opening in the fence
across from the bench where three generations of Lynde women sat, resolute, an
unassuming force. “Dad!” he shouted, his face radiating with joy.
`
          
Daniel
picked Owen up and squeezed him against his chest in a display of affection
Sarah could never remember him bestowing when Owen was small. “Is this my
brother?!” he exclaimed, turning to the little boy as soon as his feet touched
the ground again.

The toddler bashfully
clung to his mother’s leg and Daniel tried to coax him out of his shell. “Sam,
this is your big brother Owen. He’s eleven years old  Isn’t he tall?” He
turned to Sarah, “My god, he looks just like you.”

Owen took Sam’s hand and
led him over to the smaller area for toddlers. Sarah was not in the least
surprised that he seemed so tender and gentle with the young boy. Daniel
finally acknowledged Abby, asking her how school was and if she had a
boyfriend. She answered his questions and her mother squeezed her hand in a
show of support. Abby was being at least somewhat gracious, not her normal
curt, cynical self, for which Sarah was grateful.

Nikki was painfully
silent, her face stretched into a fake looking smile as if she’d been a robot
programmed for this outing.
Now that would be like the old Daniel
, Sarah
thought sharply. She decided to try to engage her in conversation and followed
her as she moved closer to where the boys were playing. “So what do you do for
a living?” Sarah queried, trying to sound light and conversational and not as
if she was prying.

“I was a paralegal in
the office building where Daniel worked when we met but now I’m a stay-at-home
mom,” she gushed sweetly. “I also have my own business making cakes for all
occasions.”

“Oh,” Sarah replied,
“that’s great!” She was really trying hard not to pass judgment, to stay
neutral. She studied Nikki’s face and saw that she was plain, with a long, thin
pointed nose, high cheekbones and thin lips. Her hair, which blew in the breeze
and caught the sunlight in the lighter, strawberry blonde strands, was
certainly her most striking feature.

“I think Daniel told me
you’re a professor?” she offered, trying to sound more interested than she
likely was, but starting to seem more human than automaton at last.

“Yes, I teach sociology
at the University of Maryland,” Sarah said matter-of-factly. “I’m also
about to publish a book.”

“Wow!” Nikki exclaimed,
now sincerely sounding impressed. “What’s the book about?”

“It’s about sexuality on
college campuses and how it’s transformed in the digital age,” Sarah replied,
sounding academic. She could tell the topic made Nikki uncomfortable and caught
her scanning the playground, looking for a way to escape the conversation. Sarah
gloated a little, not even minding that she felt a bit superior.
With all
the other shit going on
, she thought,
at least I can be confident in my
professional skills.

After the kids played
awhile longer, Daniel gathered everyone and offered to treat the group to
lunch. There were no objections so they caravanned to a pizza and sandwich
shop only a few blocks away into the city. Sarah watched the giant circular
fountain disappear in her rearview mirror and made a mental note to bring the
kids back in their swimming gear after the wedding.

Lunch was casual and not
nearly as painful as Sarah imagined. Daniel talked a lot about his new job,
which was a normal, legitimate business and not some crazy, questionable scheme.
Nikki chimed in about how great their neighborhood was and how they’d just
fixed up their guest bedroom. 
Oh, here it is
, Sarah thought
,
it’s finally coming. The real reason for this visit.

“I know it’s probably a
long shot,” Daniel began, “but we’d really love to have Owen, and Abby too, if
she wants, out to visit us later this summer, or even over Christmas, or really
whenever they want.”

Sarah braced herself,
took a deep breath and smiled sweetly. “Well, that’s very generous of
you…but I can’t really give you an answer about that right now. It’s
something that’s going to need some careful thought and consideration,” she
replied as diplomatically as she could muster.

“Understood,” Daniel
replied warmly, and then he was off to the next topic, not even venturing in
that direction again for the rest of the meal.

Later, on their way
home, her mother remarked that she was proud of the way Sarah had handled
herself. “Honey, you could have been really bitter, seeing him all happy
and content with his new life and now wanting to come along and shake yours up.
But you were gracious and generous and I think you showed both him and your
kids what kind of person you are,” she praised her daughter.

Sarah sighed, thinking
about what she had wanted to do and say. Sometimes she wished she could be
brash and somewhat reckless like Rachel. But she was always controlled,
deliberate, and thoughtful. She would have been angry with herself if she would
have allowed Daniel Taylor to see her at anything less than her best. Then her
mind drifted to where she had willed it not to go, and she realized she would
feel the same way if and when she saw James again.

***

That night was the eve
of the wedding. Rachel was going nuts with rehearsal plans and stressing
about her parents meeting Jack’s parents for the first time. Sarah wanted to
help calm her friend’s nerves but she felt weak, emotionally drained, and as if
she had nothing left to give. She suggested that Rachel take a nap to conserve
her energy for the rehearsal and dinner.
           
‘You’re napping for two now,
don’t forget!”  Sarah winked at her with what was the last shred of
positivity she could dredge up.  

Rachel’s teeth gleamed
between her lips as she clasped her hand over Sarah’s mouth playfully. “I’m not
telling Jack till our wedding night, so shhhhh already!” she warned.  

Sarah made the universal
gesture for zipping her lip and throwing away the key and then retreated behind
the closed door of the bedroom she was sharing with her mother, who was in the
den with the kids working a crossword. A sense of relief washed over her
as she turned the lock and collapsed onto the bed. She felt as though she was
lying on a bed of nails, each sharp point digging into her flesh. Curling
onto her side, she balled her body into a fetal position.
 I don’t know
how much longer I can be strong for everyone
, she thought,
when I’m
falling apart on the inside.   

She pulled the comforter
over her head and buried her face in the mound of pillows under her head.
Losing
James is the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced,
she realized.
The
worst. I don’t think I have ever felt more rejected. And maybe I’m being a
selfish bitch but it seems like everything is wine and roses for everyone else
in my life. Rachel is marrying the man of her dreams and having his baby. My ex
has somehow transformed into the model father and husband and makes me want to
vomit because his new life seems so idealistic and wholesome. And Maggie is
going to ride off into the sunset with my man.  

I know I should be happy
for Rachel, and I should be glad that Daniel wants to be part of his son’s
life, but this all sucks. And I’m allowed to think it sucks, right? I don’t
have to be Miss Compersion and Altruism all the time, do I? So why do I feel so
fucking guilty?

Other than the new
theory she had hypothesized with Rachel two days before, she had desperately
tried to limit her attention to the James Channel, but she knew this was the
day he left for Afghanistan. She had clung to an eensy weensy molecule of hope
that he would contact her before he left, but her phone was dark and silent. She
could nearly envision the tearful goodbyes, hugging his mother and sisters, kissing
Maggie goodbye for the last time. They were sending their son, their brother,
their fiancé off to war. Everyone in their lives would know they had a loved
one thousands of miles away, in the path of ever-present danger, protecting and
serving our country. Everyone would share in their pain, their worry, their
missing him and praying for the best. Everyone would admire that they were sacrificing
time with their loved one so he could answer the call of duty.