Making Marriage Simple (7 page)

Remember how Harville admitted that learning to be a Hailstorm was messy? Here’s how it progressed: I was nagging Harville a little bit about being a robot. (Okay, a LOT!) I realized
that
approach wasn’t getting us anywhere. So I slowed down. Instead of ACTING and DOING constantly, I worked on developing deeper inner peace and quiet within myself.

Then TA-DA, one day Harville popped out of his shell. He began to express his feelings like I’d asked him to. But to my surprise (and horror!) the feelings were anger and resentment. “Whoa!” I thought. “Maybe asking him to feel wasn’t such a good idea after all.…”

Then I remembered that the majority of Harville’s anger had to do with his childhood. This calmed me down enough to simply accept his feelings. My growth, I knew, was about learning to stay steady (like a Turtle). I had to be safe, strong, and calm in his presence—even when he was upset.

Pretty soon, Harville’s anger melted away. In its place came gratitude—that I was willing to be present with
all
of his feelings without getting defensive. Soon after, Harville’s loving feelings bubbled up and out. (Blush, blush!) Our relationship went from being terribly strained to feeling wonderful. It was miraculous!

Because of my childhood wounding, I’d been on autopilot my whole life, “
doing
for others.” It was EXHAUSTING. Still, it was hard to stop “doing” and just listen. But the more I focused on listening better and learning to be present for Harville, the easier it felt. And it turned out to be
much
easier than figuring out what he wanted and doing things for him before he even asked. Whew! Now I could relax.

And something else miraculous happened as well.

In learning to become present for Harville, I began to be more present for my own feelings. The whole setup of creating Real Love required that I become more self-aware.

It turns out Harville and I had the exact same wound: abandonment. Neither one of us had a primary caregiver who was truly present for us when we were children. We just expressed
our wounds in opposite ways. Harville buried his feelings, which made it hard for him to be emotionally present. And I spread myself thin, trying to be emotionally present for everyone.

This is the crux and calling of a truly committed and conscious partnership: We need to answer the call to become each other’s healers. It means that you avoid, at all cost, re-wounding each other—so that you can become true advocates for each other. Only for the strong-willed, this is an art—an honor—a Sacred Duty.

CREATING SAFE SPACE

The key to this transformation happening is safety. By safety, we mean two people living in relationship with neither feeling hurt, criticized, or put down by the other. When your partner doesn’t feel safe, they put up their defenses. When this happens, you may think you’ve been living with your partner, but you’ve actually been living with their
defenses
. If you can help your partner feel safe, they will soon drop their defenses to come out and play! Only then can they do the work they need to do.

This is why safety is a thread running throughout this book. Healing happens only in a safe environment. Without safety, healing won’t happen.

So how do you achieve safety? Consider the following.…

The common way of thinking about relationships goes something like this: When a relationship is in trouble, it’s assumed that one or both of the people need “fixing.” So they go to a therapist. Or they buy books about fixing one or the other (and it’s usually the
other
). The belief is that each individual in the partnership has to get healthy in order to create a healthy relationship.

Harville and I flipped that idea on its head. We believe that if a relationship is in trouble, the couple needs to focus on
healing the relationship. Not
on themselves. In fact, Harville and I would assert that the best way to heal a relationship is not to repair the two people, but the Space Between them. Hmmm, interesting …

THE “SPACE BETWEEN”

So what is this Space Between? The moment you committed to each other, it was born. You can think of it as an energy field filling up the space between you two.

Right now, we’re imagining you might have the same kind of look on your face that we get from couples in our workshops. Many are suspicious. Others think we’re off our rockers! And many insist: “There isn’t anything between me and my partner but … well, AIR.”

It may look like there isn’t anything between you. But there is.

Consider outer space. Our universe is filled with stars, planets, meteors, and comets. What lies between all these cosmic bodies? Space. Lots of space. Lots of EMPTY space. Right?

Wrong.

We used to think space was empty. But astronomers have proven that the space between the planets isn’t empty at all. It is filled with gravitational pull and energy fields that actually hold the planets in their orbits.

And so it is with the Space Between. It is a cosmic energy field that supports you both in your relationship. Just as physics is part of the physical world, we believe there is a physics that governs the Space Between you and your partner.

THE PHYSICS OF THE SPACE BETWEEN

Every word, tone of voice, every glance, affects the Space Between. Even the unspoken communication of your body language (called nonverbal cues) contributes to this energy field.

There are times when you and your partner feel accepted by each other. The air is safe to breathe. These are the times when the Between is filled with love.

Then there are times when things are strained. The air is thick with judgment. Tension coils all around you. These are the times when the Between is filled with conflict. The state of the Between determines how safe you and your partner feel in each other’s presence. So we’re going to give you, as my yoga instructor says, a “mantra”—a statement that we want you to repeat over and over again. Tape it to every mirror in your house. Say it ten times throughout the day.

Ready for the mantra?

Here it is: NO shame, blame, or criticism in our Between!

Criticism, blame, and shame are like toxins. They act as acid on the Between, corroding your connection to your partner. Your goal is to make the Between safe. This means loving and empathizing with each other through it all. Yes, we mean ALL! Your partner’s fun and happy feelings,
and
their not so fun ones. It was amazing when Harville learned to do this for me.

All my life I’d been given the message that only those who were sweet and nice were worthy of love. Then I hit a period when stress turned me into a real grouch. And Harville really stepped up. Instead of criticizing my behavior, he became a steady, loving presence for me. It was simply wonderful.

One day, I woke up and suddenly SAW myself and realized: “I have so many ways I should be working on myself to become a more loving person. That should be my focus!” I would not have made it to this liberated place if Harville had been critical of me. It was his loving presence that made it safe for me to see how I was really being. When two people make the Space Between truly Sacred Space, that’s when the healing can happen.

By Sacred Space, we mean space that is absolutely holy. The Between may look like ordinary air. But don’t
ever
treat it in an ordinary way. Your relationship needs to be the most important thing in the world to you. Never, never, never violate the Space Between with anything that will hurt your relationship. Truly think of it as holy ground.

This is the act of building Real Love. It leads to a genuine homecoming. One built on a solid foundation of trust and caring.

The Genuine Homecoming of Real Love
.

And none of this would be possible if we were not bound with someone who re-wounds us like our parents did!

We were all wounded in relationship.
We can heal only in relationship
. This is why we have to answer the call to become each other’s healers.

And it all hinges on what you choose to put into the Space Between.

Truth #4: Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past
EXERCISE: “SPRING CLEANING”
FOR THE BETWEEN

First:

1. In the pictures on
this page
, write your name in one of the small circles and your partner’s name in the other.

2. In the large circle at the top, list as many thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as you can that describe the positive things in your Between, the things that are WONDERFUL. These are the things that bring safety, connection, and/or passion into your relationship, like: respect, love, co-parenting, date nights.

3. In the circle at the bottom, list as many thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as you can that describe the negative things in your Between, the things that are CHALLENGING. These are the things that bring doubt, disconnection, and/or upset into your relationship, like: distrust, criticizing, lack of intimacy, no fun.

Then:

Share with your partner how
they
contribute to what is
wonderful
in your relationship.
(For example: “The best thing I see you bring to our space is …”)
Follow that up with how
you
contribute to the challenges.
(For example: “I feel I contribute to our challenges when I …”)
Finally, explore some ideas together on how you both can increase the wonderful
and remove the challenges so that you create safety in the Between, transforming it into Sacred Space.

And Remember
:
One of the most beautiful and profound things about relationship is that we’re called into the role of being each other’s healer
.
This means NO shame, blame, or criticism in your Between!

TRUTH #5
It’s Not WHAT You Say; It’s HOW You Say It

H
ELEN

Before we can take on all this healing, however, we HAVE to learn a new way to talk. What’s the old way? It’s what humans have been doing since the dawn of time. It’s called monologue: where one person at a time is talking but no one is really listening.

When couples do it, it’s called parallel monologue. Two people talking. No one listening.

When Harville and I met, our communication was a supreme example of parallel monologues! We shared many common interests. Our courtship was full of passionate conversation. Much was exciting. But we also had impassioned disagreements. We are both bullheaded. We both love to debate. And we found ourselves both talking at the same time—especially if we disagreed about something. Over time, this became very frustrating for us.

One day I finally said to Harville, “Could we please take turns?”

He looked shocked, but then replied, “Well, sure, I guess so …”

The result? We co-created what came to be called the Imago Dialogue Process. You’ve got to love a guy who responds to a simple request by creating a revolutionary new way to communicate!
I realized early on that there were some very positive reasons for dating a relationship therapist!

As far as the subject of talking goes, our culture rewards those who speak up. Almost every school has a debate club. Compliments are given to those who can clearly and persuasively speak their mind. The majority of those who get promoted in life are those who express themselves well.

If we are feeling disturbed about something, we’re told we should talk about it. Psychology was, in fact, originally called “the talking cure.” And, in a sense, the root of healing involves two people talking. What most people leave out is that HOW you talk is really important. They also leave out one other little detail. When one of you is talking, the other one has to REALLY LISTEN.

Our culture does not reward people for listening. So, even during the best of times, our listening skills are pretty rusty. And during the worst—like when we’re locked in the Power Struggle—forget it! It becomes all about who can demand what they want the loudest (Hailstorm) and/or who can shut down and freeze out their partner the longest (Turtle).