Making Marriage Simple (8 page)

During the Power Struggle, listening just flies out the window
.

Dialogue changes all that. The Power Struggle ruptures connection. Dialogue sustains and deepens connection. Dialogue is
a structured way of talking and listening that builds connection between you and your partner. It is this connection that enables you to heal your childhood wounds. It may feel clumsy at first. But, the process supports you and your partner as you identify each other’s needs and learn how to honor them.

You were taught the key to Dialogue in kindergarten: (1) take turns, and (2) don’t interrupt. One of you talks while the other listens. Then you switch. This sounds simple. But it’s so different from what most people do that it’s important to practice.

Dialogue has three steps: Mirroring, Validating, and Empathizing. Before you begin, you and your partner should decide who will be the Sender (the one speaking) and who will be the Receiver (the one listening). Because the Sender wants the Receiver’s full attention, we suggest you ask for an appointment by saying: “Are you available to do the Dialogue Process?”

We know it feels stiff and a little weird to talk this way to your partner. But there is a reason we suggest using these exact words. As both you and your partner become more comfortable with Dialogue, this question alone will “cue” your partner to become grounded and intentional (that is, ready for Dialogue).

When you ask your partner for an Imago Dialogue, they can say no if the timing isn’t good for them. But they have to follow up their “not now” with a suggested alternative time.

If the Receiver feels ready in that moment, they will say yes. By “ready” we mean the Receiver feels like they can bring thoughtfulness and care to what the Sender is saying.

It is from this respectful place that you both begin Dialogue.

To learn the Dialogue Process we suggest you and your partner start by sharing what you appreciate about each other. We call
this “Giving Appreciations.” Doing this has been magical for us. We give them to each other every day, and encourage you to do the same. Once you both feel comfortable using Dialogue with Appreciations, you will be ready to use the process for more difficult issues. An explanation of the three steps follows.

STEP ONE: MIRRORING

The Sender starts by sending a message. And they do it with Sender Responsibility. That is, the Sender should send their message clearly and kindly. Doing so increases the chance their partner will hear it. The Receiver then Mirrors, that is, repeats back, what they heard—using the Sender’s exact words.

For example, if the Sender says: “Hey, I want to share something you did recently that I really appreciated. You arrived at our date last Friday night right on time. That meant a lot to me—it made me feel as though our time together was really important to you.” The Receiver would respond: “Let me see if I got it. I did something you appreciated. I arrived at our date last Friday night right on time. This meant a lot to you, and made you feel as though our time together was really important to me. Did I get it?”

“Let me see if I got it.” and “Did I get it?” are key phrases. You want to make sure you are very clear about what your partner said. Don’t edit their words. Don’t respond with your own reactions. Even if they do say something wrong—for example, you actually went out Saturday night instead of Friday—
let it go
. These kinds of specifics don’t matter. Your first job is to make the Sender feel that their words are accepted by you.

If this feels awkward at first, don’t worry. You’re in good company. A lot of people experience the same thing early on. After some practice, though, a beautiful thing happens. Your partner will feel deeply touched when they experience you reflecting back their words.

After the Sender confirms that the Receiver Mirrored accurately, the Receiver asks, “Is there more?” Your partner will be amazed! They’ve probably never heard this question before. Instead, for most of their life, they’ve heard something more like: “Are you done yet?”

So the Receiver asks the magical question: “Is there more?” And the Sender might respond with something like: “Well, yes, I just want you to understand how much this touches me. Both my parents were so busy when I was growing up. And when they did attend an event that was special to me, they were often late. I could never count on them. I’d be so disappointed. I know you’re busy. We both are. I do my best to protect our special time together, and I really appreciate it when you do too. It makes me feel loved, instead of disappointed like I was when I was a kid.”

Be sure you use the phrase “Is there more?” It truly is an enchanted grouping of words. It shows that you’re curious. And makes your partner feel safe. The safer they feel, the more willing they will be to share much deeper things with you. Once the
Sender shares, the Receiver Mirrors the Sender’s response to “Is there more?”

When the Sender says that they feel Mirrored, congratulations! You’ve made it through step one of the Imago Dialogue Process.

STEP TWO: VALIDATING

The Receiver now Validates the Sender’s words. Validating means that you “get” your partner’s point of view. The Receiver does so by sincerely saying: “You make sense.”

This doesn’t mean you, as the Receiver, necessarily agree with what your partner said (though you might).
Agreement is not the goal
. Everyone makes sense from their own perspective. It’s just that everyone is coming from a different perspective! And when you take time to see things from your partner’s point of view, you will see that
they do make sense
.

This is an important step. The words can’t be said mechanically. The Sender has to really feel that you, the Receiver, are being genuine when you say, “You make sense.” When you as the Receiver Validate your partner, you’re giving your partner the message that: “you have a right to feel and think the way you do.” Given that you’re actually married to another person, your partner
does
have that right!

The great thing is that your partner will soon be in the Receiver’s seat. This means they’ll be entering
your
world, Mirroring, Validating, and Empathizing with
your
point of view!

Most of us believe that our way is the Right Way—and we’re willing to fight this to the death! The problem is that this approach
is
a death—it kills your connection to your partner. We regularly ask couples, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationship?” Because you can’t always have both. You can’t cuddle up and relax with “being right” after a long day.

STEP THREE: EMPATHIZING

Now it’s time for the Receiver to Empathize with the Sender by suggesting a word or two that they think would describe the Sender’s emotional state. When doing this, remember that there are four core feelings: glad, mad, sad, and scared. All other feelings are varieties of these, so you don’t have to get fancy and consult a thesaurus. Just suggest a simple feeling. Then ask your partner if you got their feelings right.

For example, the Receiver might say: “Given how disappointed you were that your parents were often late when you were little, I can imagine you might be feeling glad when I’m on time, and you appreciate me. Is that what you’re feeling?” And if the Receiver got it right, the Sender would say: “Yes, that’s it exactly!”

Are you beginning to see how it works? The issue to remember is: Each of you has wounds from childhood, … and the purpose of marriage is to heal those wounds.

Through Dialogue, we become aware of painful memories and feelings that have been buried deep inside us. Re-experiencing them with a loving partner who can listen and empathize helps us to heal. It makes such a difference when we experience ourselves being listened to with empathy rather than judgment.

BUT WHO HAS THE TIME?

Dialogue can feel a bit stiff and formal at first. It can also feel like it’s taking a long time.

The thing is, Dialogue isn’t supposed to be quick. To discover who our partner really is, and the ways we ourselves were wounded, we have to slow down. The whole point of Dialogue, in fact, is that it
slows you down
.

Dialogue may even feel frustrating at first. Because you’ll be trying to explain to your partner how
you
feel. And listening to how
they
feel. And trying to figure out
what
your needs are. But in the midst of struggling to get the steps right, it’s like a door swings open in your relationship. It can feel like sunshine breaking through the clouds. Your fears diminish and you begin to feel connected. You get to the point where you may completely disagree with something your partner thinks or feels. But from this open, empathic place, you grow to understand it—and them—more deeply. You begin to experience your relationship as wondrous and deeply fulfilling.

And if this isn’t enough of an incentive to stick with Dialogue, think of the alternative. How long does it take to have an argument? And then recover from it?

Compared to that, Dialogue actually takes no time at all!

So you decide how you want to spend time with your partner.

Arguing or in Dialogue.

Mirroring is about establishing contact with your partner. Validating creates connection. And Empathizing moves you into communion. This is the act of transforming your relationship into a Sacred Space.

Truth #5: It’s Not WHAT You Say; It’s HOW You Say It
EXERCISE: THE IMAGO DIALOGUE PROCESS

First:

1. Choose who will be the Sender and who will be the Receiver.

2. Pick a topic. We suggest you start with something positive like sharing an Appreciation about your partner or sharing something about your day at work.

3. To begin, the Sender asks the Receiver for an appointment by saying: “Are you available for an Imago Dialogue?”

And go to
www.MakingMarriageSimple.com
for video examples and other resources
.