Making Marriage Simple (2 page)

Transforming your marriage will take effort on your part. Sometimes the results will feel instantaneous. Sometimes it will feel as if you’re not making any progress at all.
The important thing is to stick with it
. When our marriage was in trouble, we spent time each day putting ourselves through the exercises you’ll find in this book. To be successful, you’ll need to create your own kind of daily practice as well.

If instead of feeling excited, you’re rolling your eyes, we completely understand. A lot of time and energy is spent finding the perfect mate. And many (if not most!) of us assume that once we’ve said “I do,” the work is over. The idea of having to spend time focused on our most important relationship may seem strange, and maybe even depressing. This is especially true when our relationship feels at all uncomfortable.

When we first started focusing on our own healing process, our relationship was a mess. We both knew a lot about marriage—
in theory
. But we didn’t know how to live what we knew. And when we disagreed on something, neither of us would budge an inch. To make our points, we’d analyze and blame each other. If you had looked up “stubborn mule” in the dictionary, you’d have found our pictures! We were so angry with each other. The last thing we wanted to do was spend time together each night, working on exercises.

The stalemate of a relationship that is badly in need of healing
.

Boy, were we pleasantly surprised! Getting started wasn’t nearly as hard as we thought it would be. Each night our relationship felt a little bit better than the night before. Then, suddenly, we experienced a
huge
shift. For the first time in a long time, we found that we actually loved being together.

Building a new way of relating to each other is a lot like developing muscles. It takes intention and daily work. Maybe you’ll start by reading through the book once. Some of you may just dive right in with Truth #1, Romantic Love Is a Trick, followed by the exercise. You can follow the exercises after each chapter, or use the complete program at the back of the book, which includes space for you to record your thoughts and insights (see
this page
). Of course, each of you is also welcome to get a notebook or binder to record the work you do. You can even purchase two copies of the book (after all, we don’t want you fighting over which one of you gets to read it at a particular time!).

We also encourage you to read through the book several times and repeat the exercises. You can do this by starting again at the beginning or choosing a chapter and exercise that feels right to you in that moment. Why are we so focused on your continuing the exercises? Because each time you work through them you will learn something new. This is the work of growing Real Love in your life, and co-creating the marriage of your dreams.

Don’t worry, though, this process doesn’t have to be a grueling marathon. As little as ten to twenty minutes a night together, reading a chapter and doing one of the exercises, will multiply into huge gains. You don’t even have to finish a chapter in a night. You can work on one for several days. Choose the pace that’s right for you.

You created your marriage together, and we feel the ideas and exercises in this book work best when partners commit to doing the work together. But don’t be discouraged if your partner doesn’t want to participate. One person CAN shift the dynamics in a relationship. So if you’re interested in this book and your partner isn’t, we say, “Go for it!”

TRUTH #1
Romantic Love Is a Trick

H
ELEN

Although Harville and I come from very different worlds, when we fell in love, we had
so much
in common. Both of us were divorced. In addition, we each had two children, were passionate about psychology, and loved BBQ. We even had the exact same idea of our ideal vacation: driving around the United States in a rented RV with our newly blended family. Imagine how compatible we (thought we) were!

I can’t remember a single thing we disagreed on.

Ahhh, the splendor of a newly budding relationship!

One minute you’re involved in your life as you know it, when suddenly you see
the one
. Your eyes meet (perhaps across a crowded room). Heart palpitations start. And the fairy tale of romance begins. Flowers, batting eyelashes, shared meals, laughter. Sunset walks and little love gifts to each other. You spend hours looking forward to your next time together. Maybe you’ll see a movie or simply hang out—talking about everything and nothing.

Each of you finds yourself saying: “It feels like I’ve known you forever.…” And in some ways you have. This new person has some very strong similarities to your childhood caregivers.

Now this “falling in love” business might not be so intense for everyone. For some, it’s more gradual. But either way, you begin to think about each other a lot. Being apart feels unbearable. So you text and call each other frequently. When together, you seem to know each other’s thoughts. You complete each other’s sentences. You know exactly what the other one wants because, well, it’s exactly what you want too!

The early stage of a romance brings out the best in people. Both homes are always tidy. Personal grooming is done with special care. Neither one of you burps around the other person. Before you even know what’s happening, you’ve fallen head over heels in LOVE.

Romantic
Love that is …

It is a mysterious attraction: you feel moments of absolute ecstasy!

Unfortunately this bliss doesn’t last.

FROM ECSTASY TO AGONY

Romantic Love sticks around long enough to bind two people together. Then it rides off into the sunset. And seemingly overnight, your dream marriage can turn into your biggest nightmare.

Romantic Love rides off into the sunset
.

Now, once in the throes of full-blown Romantic Love, you can do no wrong. When Romantic Love fades however, it feels like you can do no right. The person who was once your greatest fan can become your worst critic. Adoration is replaced by nagging. You notice yourself thinking, “Who IS this person I married? We used to be so compatible. We agreed on everything.” The pit of your stomach churns. And you ask yourself, “How can my partner think that way, act that way, say those things? They
fooled
me into believing they were someone else!”

When rudely awakened from the dazzling dream of compatibility, people can get
very
grumpy. Desperate to end the pain and
disappointment Romantic Love leaves behind, many couples get divorced. Others who decide not to do the mind-numbing work of dividing up the stuff may stay together. But they wind up living parallel lives, without any true connection. They assume this is as good as it gets. But secretly they think something must be terribly wrong.

Is this who I married?! Something is terribly wrong
.

Let us reassure you,
nothing has gone wrong
.

Romantic Love is just the first stage of couplehood. It’s
supposed
to fade.

Romantic Love is the powerful force that draws you to someone who has the positive and negative qualities of your parents or caregiver
(this includes anyone responsible for your care as a child, for example: a parent, older sibling, grandparent, or babysitters.). You felt like you knew your partner forever when you first met because they have the positive qualities of your parents. And because they also have your parents’ negative qualities,
you wind up feeling irritated and disappointed by your partner. This is why agony can replace the initial ecstasy. Why relationships can get so painful and hard.

Whoa! The idea that your partner is really a composite of your parents can be a bit upsetting at first. Though we love our parents, most of us got over (consciously) wanting to marry them when we turned five or six. Then, when we hit our teenage years, all we wanted was our freedom. But the fact is, we’re unconsciously drawn to that special someone with the best and worst character traits of all of our caregivers combined. We call this our “Imago”—the template of positive and negative qualities of your primary caregivers.