Making Marriage Simple (17 page)

Remind me again why it was a good idea to come home for a visit.…

Many go on retreat by themselves to deepen their spiritual lives, which takes them out of their relationship. It’s a great thing to do, and we have no quarrel with it. There’s another way to evolve as a spiritual being. One that’s closer to home, because you
actually stay at home
. It is by developing your capacity to authentically love an “other.” Let’s face it, feeling at peace is easy when removed from the everyday burdens of life. That’s why people go on vacation.

It is a lot harder to find our peaceful center when looking into the face of another—especially when that “other” may not be feeling at peace with
us
. And when our beloved is bugging us, forget it. Peace flies right out the window!

For this reason, we say that one of the greatest spiritual paths is staying put in your relationship and learning how to
really love your partner
, warts and all. When you can validate your partner’s experience and express empathy—even when their experience makes absolutely no sense to you.

I love you, warts and all!

Elevating your relationship to this status transforms the Imago Process into a spiritual practice. Like meditation and prayer, Dialogue slows you down, quiets your mind, and invites you to put aside those same old thoughts you obsessively think about over and over again. Instead, you simply Mirror back your partner’s words, and imagine how they are feeling, truly bearing witness to their experience. Then when you offer them a Caring Behavior and speak to them from the Owl instead of the Crocodile, you are unleashing the neurochemistry of Love. This feels great to you, and is great for your partner.

The Divine is waiting to show up in the Space Between.

The Sacred Space created feels hallowed to you both.

Walking the path of a conscious marriage may not be easy, but it is truly a way to experience Heaven on earth. And you can always call on your Faith to give you strength. Learning to truly love each other will feel so good to you both, and the resulting sense of wonder will spill over into every other area of your life.

4. Marriage Isn’t a Disease to Be Treated—It’s the Cure

Too often, when a marriage gets stressed and the couple seeks help, we diagnose and/or medicate it (or one of the individuals within it). Or worse, we prescribe separation, hoping that some time apart will enable the individuals to get their acts together.

Then there is the opt-out clause, divorce. Some people then get remarried, trading one partnership in for another—like exchanging an article of clothing at the store that didn’t quite fit right.

Again, we see it so very differently. To be honest, what relationship isn’t challenged in certain ways or at various times? This doesn’t mean the relationship—or the institution of marriage itself—is flawed.

Healthy marriages are the ultimate upstream prevention that can eradicate so much of the downriver cleanup done each day. We believe our focus should be on the potential marriage has to
cure the culture. Let’s start caring for the well-being of our marriages. As a national and global culture we need to treasure the art of creating healthy marriages.

Let’s prioritize it.

Let’s fund it.

Let’s nurture it.

5. Relationship Education Must Be Supported and Made Available to Everyone

Want to practice medicine or law? You’ve got years of schooling ahead of you, then you’ve got to pass your medical exams or the bar to get your license. Want to become an electrician or a plumber? There are courses to take and tests to pass before you are licensed. To sell real estate or trade stock, you have to study and get a broker’s license. Want to drive a boat or big rig? Yep, you have to study and pass a test to get a license.

Heck, even if you want to drive a car, you’ve got to practice and pass a test before you get your license.

To obtain a marriage license, however, all you have to do is drop twenty bucks at the county courthouse.

This just isn’t enough.

It takes knowledge and commitment to create a transformed relationship.
You have to learn and practice the skills necessary for each person to grow into their potential as healers of their relationship.

In order for this to happen, the whole culture needs to be supportive. Schools, religious institutions, community centers, mental health agencies, government programs, even marriage/event planners—all of them need to work together. Everyone who has access to couples needs to prioritize the distribution of information that will help each and every couple build a healthy marriage.

We could even start earlier. There are currently schools that have added to their health curriculums—as early as the elementary-school level—a crash course in caring for babies (some of you might remember having to partner with a classmate and carry around an egg or a sack of flour for a week). So
imagine the strides we’d make if future generations learned early on the importance of caring for their committed relationship—along with some of the skills necessary to actually do it
.

And we
especially
need support at the government level. Imagine the creation of a Department of Healthy Relationships!

Working to make your marriage as strong and healthy as you can is
the
single most important thing you can do. It impacts you, your partner, your family,
and
our world. If we became intentional about ensuring the health of marriages, we could make real strides toward not only reducing our deficit, but creating a civilization based on love.

CREATING A TIPPING POINT

We believe so strongly in this vision that we, along with other leading relationship experts, have started organizing to make it happen. Our goals are twofold:

    • To launch a global movement to raise public consciousness about the essential connection between healthy relationships and a healthy society.

    • To establish the support of healthy relationships as a primary social value.

And you can help!

There are couples everywhere on the vanguard. Imago Therapy, on which this book is based, has already—with no funding and no strategic plan—spread to over thirty countries. There are many counselors, therapists, and clergy who have adopted key pieces of our theory for use in their own practice with couples. Add to that the depth of wisdom and the reach of those we’ve brought together to launch a global movement, and it becomes clear that the time to focus on creating healthy marriages has come.

A Relationship Revolution is happening.

It is a zeitgeist.

What now seems cutting edge will, one day soon, be the prevailing wisdom.

And, of course, the most crucial component of this movement is each individual couple who courageously choose the path of creating the relationship of their dreams.

You, too, can join this Relationship Revolution. By purchasing
and reading this book, you have unofficially become connected to this larger movement. Now we want to formally extend an invitation for you to join us. Add your voice to ours as we spread this message to every corner of the globe.

What can this look like?

First and foremost, it’s about continuing to do what you’re already doing—which is recognizing the importance of your relationship and caring for it and each other.

You can also share this book and those by our colleagues—or simply the ideas within them—with your family and friends, and even your work buddies.

If this idea leaves you feeling uneasy, remember those dark moments when your relationship was struggling. So many of the couples in our workshops have shared how alone they felt. From the outside looking in everyone else seemed to have the perfect relationship. Believing this, the misery these couples felt wound up being compounded by shame.

For this Relationship Revolution to happen we need to break
through this isolation. We have to have honest conversations, be real about how hard marriage can get, and also believe in the breakthroughs that are possible. It doesn’t have to take much, nor do you have to share a lot of gory details. A simple “Wow, my partner and I were really in it the other day, and boy did we find something that helped,” or “My partner and I felt so disconnected, and let me tell you how we got to a better place,” or words to that effect, can work wonders. With this, you’ve planted a seed. And at some point, if another one of your friends is struggling, they will remember.

So add the building of healthy marriages into your next Thanksgiving Day blessing—and follow it up with some information while the turkey and stuffing are being passed around. Don’t hesitate to share your experiences with a couple who you think might be struggling. Teach your kids to Dialogue. Gift this book to your children after they bring their first serious boyfriend or girlfriend home, or add it to a wedding shower gift.

Healthy marriages lead to healthy homes, which lead to a healthy society.

How refreshing. How true.

And (perhaps most appealing) how ultimately
achievable
.