Making Marriage Simple (10 page)

GOING COLD TURKEY!

The only thing our negativity accomplished was this: Harville and I both felt attacked by each other. And how does one respond when attacked? By putting up one’s defenses and counterattacking.

When we realized how destructive this pattern was, we knew we had to cut negativity out of our lives. So we became “negativity watchdogs.”

To put it bluntly: Negativity is invisible abuse and must stop.

After all, no relationship can grow or deepen with negativity.

We admit this is easier said than done. The results from our negativity watch-dogging were disheartening. Harville and I grew to realize that even our briefest conversations contained negativity. I’d share about something going on at work, and Harville would apply his critical thinking, coaching me on how to be more succinct. Enter argument. He’d start to share something with me about some household project he was contemplating. And I’d interrupt him because I already knew how he’d prefer to have it done. Enter argument. Even talking about what to make for dinner wasn’t a safe topic! One of us would suggest BBQ chicken and vegetables, and then we’d get into an argument about whether to cook the vegetables (my preferred way) or keep them raw (Harville’s preference). It was crazy.

We grew determined to find a cure.

And when we did, we were delighted by its simplicity!

One day, we hung a calendar on our bathroom mirror. At the end of each day, we drew either a smiley face or a frowny face in the space for that day.

A frowny face meant one or both of us had been negative that day. A smiley face meant we both got through the entire day without being negative. Yes, Harville and I—who have four degrees and ten books to our names—had to resort to smiley and frowny faces on a calendar to help break our addiction to negativity. And guess what? It worked!

We were so disgusted by all the frowny faces we saw
day after day
, week after week, MONTH after MONTH. S-l-o-w-l-y all negative comments ceased.

Yes,
all
. We finally did it!

We were elated by this achievement.

Then a new problem surfaced.…

Suddenly, it was SO quiet.

It was embarrassing to admit.

But we didn’t know how to speak to each other without being negative.…

SHARING APPRECIATION

So we designed another exercise—one that would help us focus on what we actually
liked
about each other. Energy follows attention. We knew that when we were negative, all we were doing was creating more negativity. What would happen if we started flooding each other with positive comments?

We found that when we focused on what
was
working, we gradually began to see more and more of the good stuff. To speed up this process, we committed to ending each day by sharing three things we appreciated about each other. Each night we had to come up with three new things
—no repetitions allowed
.

This was rather challenging, at first.

Our brains weren’t in the habit of noticing the positive (and brains in general tend to dwell on the negative). So starting this practice was really awkward. It required us to pay attention to what we
enjoyed
about each other.

Listing our problems had been easy. In contrast, our Appreciations sputtered out. The conversations were filled with uncomfortable pauses.

But we kept at it (proving that being a stubborn mule can, occasionally, be
useful
). And the Appreciations started to come a little bit more easily:

“I appreciated your phone call today, Harville, to check in.”

“I appreciated the ideas you offered for my presentation, Helen.”

In time, the negative chatter in our minds stopped. And because we were viewing each other from the perspective of all the things we appreciated, we actually began to
see each other differently
. Finally, each of us rediscovered that we were married to an amazing person—something we’d known long ago but had forgotten.

Our Ritual of Appreciations created a degree of emotional safety that we’d never experienced before. We fell in love all over again, on a deeper, more wonderful level.

THE WONDER OF IT ALL

We then made another discovery: The simplest way to turn off negativity is to replace judgment with curiosity. This one attitude shift has the power to bring wonder back into your relationship.

Why does your partner think the way they do? Feel the way they do? Have you asked them recently?

I thought I knew Harville well. In fact, as you might recall, I thought I knew him
better
than he knew himself. This didn’t help our relationship, so I tried shifting from judgment to curiosity. On my list of things I felt judgmental about, Harville’s love of
Star Trek
was near the top. I just didn’t get it.
Star Trek
? Harville is really smart. I couldn’t understand why such a (pardon me,
Star Trek
fans) far-fetched, unrealistic show appealed to him so much.

Then one day I decided to get curious.…

So (deep breath) I put my judgment aside. And actually watched a few episodes with him.

First, Harville was absolutely thrilled to have my company on the couch (and cuddling with him was really, really nice!). Then I noticed that
Star Trek
deals with some complex social and cultural ideas. What a surprise! I now fully respect his enjoyment of it—and no longer cringe when he mentions
Star Trek
when
we’re out with friends. In fact, I’ve grown to realize that my wondrous husband is similar to Captains James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Harville is truly going where no one has gone before. He’s out there exploring his own version of “outer space”—the Space Between two people in love.

And all it took was a little curiosity on my part.

Once you try it, you’ll be amazed at how easy this shift becomes.

When you’re with your partner, imagine that you’re visiting a foreign country. Open yourself up to new ideas and perspectives. Allow yourself to enjoy the different landscape, foods, language, and customs. You don’t have to agree with all of your partner’s feelings and choices. Just become curious and keep an open mind, so you can discover their unique mystery.

CREATING SAFE SPACE, A REPRISE

Remember our emphasis on safety in Truth #4? Your job is to be a source of safety for your partner.

When your partner doesn’t feel safe, they put up their defenses.

When your partner feels safe, they relax their defenses.

Believe us when we tell you that your partner wants to be a good partner for you. They want to be your hero, or she-ro. We know that each of you genuinely wants the other to be happy. But first you have to stop being negative. Act on this decision, and everything will change. And when we say everything, we mean EVERYTHING.

Like many of the ideas in this book, this one shift will profoundly impact not only your partnership, but all of your other
relationships as well. Eliminate the invisible abuse of negativity with your partner, and it will disappear from your relationships with your children, your friends, and the broader world. People may not realize what’s changed, but they’ll notice—and appreciate—that something’s different.

Truth #6: Negativity Is Invisible Abuse
EXERCISE: RITUAL OF APPRECIATIONS

First:

List your partner’s physical characteristics, personality traits, behaviors, and global affirmations (e.g., they are terrific, thoughtful, fantastic) that you appreciate, love, admire, and cherish. (“Appreciating You!” on
this page
offers a table and examples.)

Then:

End each day sharing three things you appreciate about each other before going to bed. And commit to doing this Ritual of Appreciations for the remainder of your exercise program—whether you’re doing one of the sample programs we offer in the back, or a program that you put together yourself—on the days when you don’t have other exercises to do.

Remember,
no repetitions allowed
. You can start with the Appreciations you wrote on your list. But also pay attention to your partner each day from the perspective of what you appreciate about them. The point of this exercise is to shift your focus from what you don’t like, to what you do. As your focus shifts, you’ll both start seeing more and more of the things you like—and each of you will be inspired to do more for your relationship.

Once you’ve completed your exercise program, you can even continue giving Appreciations. Why not? It feels great, doesn’t it?

And Remember
:
Energy follows attention
.
The more you focus on the good
,
the more good there will be to focus on
.

TRUTH #7
Negativity Is a Wish in Disguise

H
ARVILLE

Now you may be wondering: Are you supposed to ignore
all
the issues you have with your partner? Let us reassure you. You don’t have to passively accept
all
of your partner’s sloppy behavior. And we’re not suggesting that you just stuff your feelings down.

Frustrations? What frustrations?!

Because no matter how successful a stuffer you think you are, the negative feelings won’t completely go away.

Instead, you need to recognize that behind every negative thought is an unmet desire.

Negativity is a wish in disguise.

And what is an unmet desire if not a wish?

SAYING IT SO YOUR PARTNER CAN HEAR

Frustrated by your partner’s behavior, you want them to change—pronto! But that’s only going to happen if they
want
to change. And their willingness to change hinges completely on HOW you bring up issues. Instead of complaining, you have to state your wish as a request. And communicate your frustration briefly, using Sender Responsibility. As the Sender, you are responsible for speaking in a way that increases the likelihood that your partner can listen. Here are some pointers: