Making Marriage Simple (20 page)

Step Two: Validating

The Receiver Validates the Sender’s point of view by simply acknowledging: “You make sense.” And remember, agreement is not the goal.

Step Three: Empathizing

As the Receiver, try to relate to the feelings underneath the issue the Sender shared. Remember, there are four core feelings: mad, sad, glad, and scared.

So to Empathize, the Receiver says something like: “Given that
[insert once again what your partner said regarding the issue]
, I can imagine you might be feeling
[use a word or two that might describe your partner’s emotional state].”

Then check in with: “Is that what you’re feeling?”

If the Sender says: “No, I’m really feeling X,” then the Receiver Mirrors what the Sender said.

Once the Sender responds positively that the Receiver
got how they feel, you can switch. The Sender becomes the Receiver and the Receiver becomes the Sender.

The key to Dialogue is practice, practice, practice!

Then:

Continue practicing Dialogue. We suggest you set aside time for full Dialogues,
and
you can also practice randomly throughout the day. It helps train the brain! For example:

    • “If I heard you correctly, you said pass the salt. Did I get it?” (Mirroring)

    • “Is there more about that?”

    • “So you just said you would rather I not make a mess right after you’ve worked hard to clean the kitchen. That makes sense.” (Validating)

    • “Wow, your boss said that to you? I can imagine this made you feel really happy and proud. Did I get it?” (Empathizing)

Every interaction is an opportunity to bring Dialogue into your lives. Have fun with it!

And Remember
:
In Dialogue, agreement is not the goal
.
The goal is to take turns and really listen to each other
.

Truth #6: Negativity Is Invisible Abuse
EXERCISE: RITUAL OF APPRECIATIONS

Negativity is toxic to your relationship. We define negativity as any words, tone of voice, facial expressions, or behaviors your partner says feel negative to them. No growth can happen in a relationship that is full of negativity. So if you want you and your partner to grow, you need to detox your relationship of all negativity.

There were two main things that helped us—and thousands of other couples—end all negativity. First, shift from judgment to curiosity. This can be as simple as looking at your partner as though you’re only just meeting them (and to make it fun you can even plan on arriving at a bar separately and introduce yourselves as though you’ve never met before).

Second, share what you appreciate about each other. As you remember, when we first started to do this, it was much easier to complain about what we didn’t like. So our Appreciations sputtered out. The Ritual of Appreciations was such a crucial component of our relationship shift, that we created this exercise to make it easier for you. With it you can identify what you truly cherish about your partner.

Now it’s time for you to focus on the good so you can make your relationship great!

First:

List your partner’s physical characteristics, personality traits, behaviors, and global affirmations (e.g., they are terrific, thoughtful, fantastic) that you appreciate, love, admire, and cherish. (“Appreciating You!” on
this page
offers a table and examples.)

Then:

End each day sharing three things you appreciate about each other before going to bed. And commit to doing this Ritual of Appreciations for the remainder of your exercise program—whether you’re doing one of the sample programs we offer here, or a program that you put together yourself—on the days when you don’t have other exercises to do.

Remember,
no repetitions allowed
. You can start with the Appreciations you wrote on your list. But also pay attention to your partner each day from the perspective of what you appreciate about them. The point of this exercise is to shift your focus from what you don’t like, to what you do. As your focus shifts, you’ll both start seeing more and more of the things you like—and each of you will be inspired to do more for your relationship.

Once you’ve completed your exercise program, you can even continue giving Appreciations. Why not? It feels great, doesn’t it?

And Remember
:
Energy follows attention
.
The more you focus on the good, the more good there will be to focus on
.

APPRECIATING YOU!

My Name: _________________________

I Love Your/How You …

APPRECIATING YOU!

My Name: _________________________

I Love Your/How You …

Truth #7: Negativity Is a Wish in Disguise
EXERCISE: THE BEHAVIOR CHANGE REQUEST

The Behavior Change Request (BCR) is the key to transforming your frustrations with your partner into growth. Remember, frustrations are really hidden wishes. They are a mask hiding what you really want and are not getting from your partner.

This exercise teaches you how to share these frustrations/wishes with your partner in ways that will be easier for them to hear. The BCR also gives you a format to use to make requests of your partner. It is through the meeting and receiving of these requests that you and your partner grow.

First:

1. Choose a frustration you’ve experienced with your partner (if you can’t think of any at the moment, refer back to the list you made during exercise #1,
“Then and Now”
). Start with the mole hill, NOT the mountain—you want to set both of you up for success.

2. Use the detailed steps that follow to walk yourselves through the BCR.

And go to
www.MakingMarriageSimple.com
for video examples and other resources
.

Step One: Ask for an Appointment

The Sender asks for an appointment:

    
Sender:
I’d love to talk with you about a request I have. Would now be okay?

Step Two: Briefly Describe Your Frustration

Using Sender Responsibility, the Sender briefly describes their frustration in one sentence (two at most). An example of a simply stated frustration might be (though you should obviously use your own):

    Sender:
I get frustrated when you come home later than you say you will
.

The Receiver then Mirrors back exactly what the Sender said:

    Receiver:
So let me see if I got it
. [Repeat word for word the frustration your partner just shared with you. For the example above, this would be: “You get frustrated when I come home later than I say I will.”]
Did I get it
?

Once the Sender confirms that the Receiver got it, the Receiver asks: “Is there more?” Remember, don’t flood your partner. An example might be:

    Sender:
When you’re not on time, I worry about you
.

The Receiver then Mirrors this new statement, and once the Sender confirms that the Receiver got it, the Receiver Validates and Empathizes with the Sender:

    Receiver:
It makes sense that you get frustrated and worry when I come home later than I say I will (Validate). And I can imagine that this makes you feel sad and angry (Empathize)
.

Step Three: The SMART Request

Once the Receiver Mirrors, Validates, and Empathizes with the Sender, and the Sender feels understood and acknowledged, the Receiver asks for three requests. And the Sender answers clearly and specifically with three things that would help:

    Receiver:
How can I help you with that? Give me three options
.

    Sender:
Thank you for asking! Here are three things that could address the issue:

1. You could give me one back rub (or something a bit steamier!) one night a week for the next month.

2. You could bring me breakfast in bed one Saturday or Sunday a month for the next two months.

3. You could do the grocery shopping once a week for a month.

Note: While four backrubs, two breakfasts in bed, or four trips to the grocery store might seem out of proportion to the frustration, we’ve got a reason. Our brain’s default is to dwell on the negative. So it takes repetition of the positive to counteract that. It may not seem logical, but this is how our brains work. Combating the negative with a solid dose of the positive is one way to train your brain (more on this in Truth #8, Your Brain Has a Mind of Its Own)
.

Then:

Continue to use the BCR, taking turns being the Sender and Receiver. Use smaller frustrations at first (remember, mole hill—not mountain!). As you both become comfortable with the process, you can bring the more challenging frustrations to each other. It’s always good, however, to alternate nights instead of both having a turn one right after the other on the same night. In fact, unless you and your partner are doing the Exercise Program as a weekend or weeklong retreat, we suggest having one partner be the Sender one week, and the other partner be the Sender the following week. Doing this allows each partner to truly experience that their mate has heard their frustration.

As the Receiver, it is a good idea to tape the request you’ve agreed to meet on the wall where you can see it every day. Then follow through on what you’ve agreed to. When the Receiver has followed through on the request, it’s time for both of you to celebrate!

And Remember
:
Taking small steps with the Behavior Change Request empowers you both
.
And what you’ll want to do with that empowerment is take on some more—until all the issues in your relationship feel solved!