Making Marriage Simple (14 page)

I was working with a couple who’d gotten stuck in the Caring Behaviors exercise. Now this hardly ever happens. Caring Behaviors is usually the time during our workshops when couples really relax and enjoy each other. So I asked them what was up.

“Well,” she said, “I’ve always had this fantasy.…”

“But she won’t tell me about it,” her husband said.

“It has to do with when we’re in bed,” she confessed.

I encouraged her to tell him, but she was really struggling. Finally she motioned for me to bend down, and whispered what it was in my ear.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” I affirmed. “I’m sure he’d love to hear it.”

So she gulped, looked at her partner, and said, “I’ve always wanted you to suck my big toe when we were in bed.”

The sweetest grin came across his face, and he said, “Sure!”

It’s incredible to witness the deepening of connection between two people in love.

But this kind of magic won’t happen if you keep silent.

You
have
to tell each other.

Take Helen and me, for instance. She used to think that since I loved
Star Trek
, I would like
Star Trek
paraphernalia. So she’d constantly surprise me with pens, mugs, bath towels, T-shirts.… If they made it with a
Star Trek
logo on it, you can rest assured that she added it to my collection.

Every time we shared Caring Behaviors it was on the tip of my tongue to tell her what I really wanted, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Finally, I knew I had to take the plunge. That night during our Caring Behaviors sharing, I said as gently as I could, “Helen, I appreciate your effort in buying me that
Star Trek
bath towel this week. But that isn’t what makes me feel cared for. What has meaning for me is some uninterrupted time now and then to simply
watch
the show.”

“OH!” she exclaimed, and laughed. “Gosh, Harville, you poor thing—you’ve got every
Star Trek
trinket known to human kind (and who knows what other aliens), and it’s not even what you wanted.”

I realized instantly that my worries about hurting her feelings were unnecessary. All Helen needed was the awareness of what I really wanted. Not only was she not upset, she was
delighted
with my honesty. And excited that, armed with this new information, she could hit a home run when it came to caring for me.

From that day forward, Helen stopped buying me
Star Trek
stuff. What she did instead touched me so deeply. When I’d set aside time for a
Star Trek
marathon, she’d slip into the room right
before the show started. First she’d set down a tray of popcorn and homemade lemonade. Then she’d fluff up a comfy pillow and place it lovingly behind my head. With a sweet parting kiss, she’d leave me to it—and wouldn’t interrupt me until I emerged from the room, done with my mini-marathon. It was absolute heaven!

So please, let your partner know your secret wishes!

Every couple of months you and your partner should spend thirty minutes writing down your Caring Behaviors, then post the lists where you will both see them every day. You can even use Dialogue to share them with each other. Some of the behaviors each of you asks for are going to feel easy to do. Some may not. Pick the ones that feel doable, and do them often. And watch your partner’s pleasure blossom and grow!

The point is that Caring Behaviors are a gift.

But don’t make the mistake of assuming this means that Caring Behaviors are all fluff. Engaging in them can slowly repair your partner’s heart. Also, requesting what you want shifts you out of the position of being a victim faster than just about anything else in this book will. And you’ll have FUN doing it!

Caring Behaviors also help train your brain. You know what it’s like when you find the absolute perfect gift. You feel on top of the world, right? It’s the same with Caring Behaviors. When you give one to your partner, you often end up feeling like it was
you
who received the gift. This is because the Crocodile doesn’t know the difference between giving a gift to someone else and self-gifting.

Like air fresheners for your relationship, Caring Behaviors dispense the heady fragrance of lightness and joy.

And if you want to up the stakes, there are always Random
Droppings. (Don’t worry! They’re a lot nicer than they sound.) Random Droppings are those wistful wishes your partner mentions offhandedly but never expects to receive. It could be having the oil changed in the car, getting involved in a new hobby, or having a day off from the kids. Listen to your partner’s Random Droppings, then pick one to surprise them with every month or so.

For example, Helen works really hard, and sometimes gets so involved in her work that she forgets about taking care of herself. One day as we walked to the office together, Helen wistfully mentioned how long it had been since she’d had time to do some yoga. Her schedule was really booked, but when I looked at her calendar, I noticed an hour and a half window that next week. So I found a teacher who would come to the house, and scheduled a surprise hour session for that time slot. Helen was simply delighted.

Picking up on a Random Dropping delivers a powerful message. It shows your partner: “I pay attention to you. I listen when you dream out loud. You really matter to me—every moment of every day.”

A LAUGH A DAY KEEPS THE DIVORCE LAWYER AWAY

There is a lot of science to back up the importance of having fun.

Joy activates your brain to produce and release more of the neurochemicals that make you feel happy and connected. In other words, joy makes your brain create more joy. Oxytocin, appropriately called the “love hormone,” is one of these neurochemicals. Also called the “bonding hormone,” oxytocin is responsible for the mother-child bond.

But men create oxytocin too. And far from being just a cuddly little love hormone, oxytocin has been proven to reduce stress,
increase immunity, and lower blood pressure and the risk of heart disease.
¹

How amazing to realize that simply having fun with our partner offers such concrete and far-ranging effects. And perhaps one of the most stunning things of all is that—like opting for staying connected to the Owl instead of descending into the hostile turf of the Crocodile (see Truth #8, Your Brain Has a Mind of Its Own)—we have the power to choose this behavior. What an empowering way to live!

We can choose this path of empowerment simply by sharing Caring Behaviors, inviting laughter into our relationship, cuddling, and getting our bedroom groove on.

Who knew fun had such power?

Now, when we tell you to bring laughter into your relationship, we know it may not be as easy for you as we might be making it sound. It certainly wasn’t for us, at least. Helen and I are nerdy types. We’re fun-impaired and humor-deficient. If that sentence is funny, it’s only because we worked hard on it (and if you didn’t find it funny, be gentle with us, we’re still working on our sense of humor).

We realized we needed to bring more fun and lightness into our lives together. So we started by memorizing and telling each other jokes, watching the
Late Show with David Letterman
, and renting funny movies to watch together. One night we made dinner wearing Groucho Marx glasses and kept them on through the entire meal. Silliness doesn’t come easily to us. That was a breakthrough dinner!

Another way we brought humor into our relationship was with “jump-start belly laughing.” In this exercise you face each other, open your mouth, and say “hah, hah, hah” while jumping up and
down. We know that you might be rolling your eyes right now. Yes, this is a silly exercise—
that’s the whole point
.

It’s impossible to laugh and be defended at the same time.

In fact, the Turtle, Hailstorm, and Crocodile don’t have a funny bone among them.

Not a funny bone in sight
.

Like Dialogue (Truth #5, It’s Not WHAT You Say; It’s HOW You Say It), stretching into some of these fun-fueling behaviors can feel uncomfortable.
Of course
Helen and I felt silly in the Groucho glasses (which, again, was the point). And we didn’t dare use them when our children were in town—they already think we’re pretty strange.

The thing to remember is that this kind of discomfort is good. It means you’re growing. Don’t forget the Stretching Principle (Truth #3, Conflict Is Growth Trying to Happen). It is the behaviors that push you out of your comfort zone that lead to joy. A great relationship awaits you just beyond the borders of your comfort zone. So if you wind up feeling foolish or uncertain, you can take heart in the knowledge that you’re growing into new behaviors and getting your joy groove back!

Truth #9: Your Marriage Is a Laughing Matter
EXERCISE: DIALING IN JOY!

First:

1. Write down all the behaviors that feel most caring to you (see “Caring Behaviors” on
this page
). These are the secret wishes that you expected your partner to figure out without your having to tell them. This list can also include things your partner already does (reinforce the good stuff, and they’ll keep on doing it!).

2. Post the lists where you’ll see them every day (next to the bathroom mirror, for instance, or on the refrigerator).

And go to
www.MakingMarriageSimple.com
for
video examples and other resources
.

Then:

Some of the behaviors each of you asks for are going to feel spot-on for the other to do. Some may not. Pick the ones that feel doable, or even excite you when you think about doing them
—and do them
. Every couple of months you and your partner should spend thirty minutes adding to your written list. You can even practice Dialogue by sharing them.

And Remember
:
Your partner is longing to be a hero or she-ro to you
.
Often all it takes is the awareness (“Oh, this is what feels caring to you!”) to make the shift
.

TRUTH #10
Your Marriage Is the Best Life Insurance Plan

H
ARVILLE

I love
Star Trek
(as you know by now!). Just as you’ve learned not to flood your partner with rambling words, Helen has taught me not to flood others with
Star Trek
references. Yet it was
Star Trek
that long ago planted a seed—one that grew into a lifelong vision. And this vision happens to be the central theme of this chapter.

The Vulcan, Mr. Spock, is a favorite character of mine. The Turtle in me appreciates his rationality and ability to stay calm under the most challenging circumstances.

Turtles may seem oblivious at times (okay, a
lot
of the time). But they actually carry great depth and caring. And I’m not just saying this because I’m a Turtle!

More even than his rational mind, though, it was Spock’s good-bye blessing that inspired me: “Live long and prosper, and let peace be in your land.” From the beginning of our work together, this blessing summed up
why
Helen and I do what we do. Helen agrees (proving she truly
did
“get curious” about my interests).

What Helen and I want most in the world is to help couples “live long and prosper.” We want this for
your
happiness and fulfillment. And also because we know it is
the
best way to “let peace be in our land” (but more on that in the Afterword).

From the start, Helen and I believed that a healthy marriage has far-ranging benefits, not just for individuals, but for society. But we didn’t have the facts to prove it. So we began collecting statistics. And we’re constantly finding new studies that confirm what we’ve intuited for years.