Making Marriage Simple (13 page)

Now, instead of assuming you know why your partner is late, you can begin to wonder why (remember, get curious). You might even remember some details that could explain their tardiness. Notice that your anger and irritation fade the more you get curious.

You can even take some time to think about how the frustration you’re feeling connects with any childhood experiences you remember. Were your parents often late? Did they ever disappoint you when you gave them a gift or did something special for them? Exploring possible connections between your current frustration and your past will help remind you that 90 percent of the issues we have with our partner are actually from our childhood.

If imagining different reasons why your partner might be late isn’t taming the Crocodile as fast as you’d like, remind yourself that your partner obviously didn’t know you were creating a surprise for them, so it’s not like they
planned
to be late out of spite. You can also think about some of
your
less than perfect moments
with your partner, and remember those times when your partner responded to your imperfections with care and understanding.

The goal at this point is to keep doing things that let the sleeping Crocodile lie. The Owl might suggest that you relax in front of the TV. Now would be a good time, after all, to watch that show you DVR’d last week—the one your partner wasn’t interested in seeing. Or listen to some of your favorite music. You could even dust off the DVD of your wedding, or bring out your honeymoon photos.

If you still have some lingering frustration, a brisk walk around the block or some other form of exercise might help you calm down even more. Physical movement can really soothe the Crocodile.

So instead of getting hit with “WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN YOU (enter choice phrase here)?!” your partner comes home to someone calm, collected, and concerned.

Rather than snapping, you can say something like “Wow, I expected you home at six tonight. I’d even planned a little surprise for us. I was getting a bit worried. Are you okay? What happened?” When your partner explains, say, “Let me see if I’ve got
that,” and Mirror them. Mirroring is like rubbing the Crocodile’s belly, further calming the beast.

You don’t need to have a formal Dialogue to use Mirroring. It’s a great tool for calming yourself and your partner.

Once your mind is calm, it becomes possible for you to actually Validate and Empathize with your partner. You may discover that they lost track of time because of a work emergency, or there might have been an honest miscommunication between you. Once you realize that their actions and feelings are valid from
their
point of view, you’re in the home stretch. Because this, more than anything else, shows you that you’re experiencing your partner as a unique and separate person and not an extension of you.

Instead of being slammed over the head by a Crocodile’s tail, your partner has been Mirrored, Validated, and Empathized with. Maybe you even share with your partner how this experience reminded you of your childhood—and they understand. Suddenly you’re hearing your partner acknowledge how upsetting it must have been for
you
to go to all the trouble of setting up the surprise, only to have them not show up when you thought they were supposed to.

You partner apologizes.

You accept their apology.

And you hug and have a wonderful meal (reheated, of course). Big sighs of relief all around!

Maybe you even co-create a plan where your partner takes initiative for the next romantic date time.

Congratulations! Here you’ve navigated Crocodile-infested waters, and both of your fearsome beasts have slept through the experience. Now you know that when your partner says or does something that activates your Crocodile, you can choose to
respond
in a way that builds connection instead of
reacting
in a way that destroys it.

Checking in with the Owl comes in handy when choosing how you talk to your partner as well. Before you bring up something that is a concern to you—or before you take an action that you know has triggered your partner in the past—ask yourself: Will this thing I’m about to do or say set off my partner’s Crocodile?

Remember: You can’t control your first thought. But you can, with the Owl’s help, control the second!

The Crocodile isn’t all bad. It’s an important part of our brain, and we don’t want to get rid of it. That would make us vulnerable in the face of real danger. We need it to access our instincts. We just want the Owl to help manage it.

Learning about the two parts of the brain was very empowering for me. I didn’t want to be a grouchy Crocodile with Harville (not exactly the most loving choice!), nor did I want to be one with myself (all that dry skin!). So when I found out I had a choice, I did all I could to stay in the higher brain function of the Owl. It was amazing the impact that this alone had on our marriage.

Of course all this takes practice. But now you have a choice you didn’t have before you read this book—and tools to help you. We can’t control others (no matter how much we’d like to at times). The only thing we have control over is ourselves—our thoughts, responses, actions, and reactions. Understanding this keeps us focused on what we CAN change: ourselves. And stops us from focusing on what we can’t change: our partner.

Learning how to choose between the Owl and Crocodile is a key part of taking this personal responsibility. Expect a transformation!

Truth #8: Your Brain Has a Mind of Its Own
EXERCISE: TRAIN YOUR BRAIN

First:

1. You will need 10 to 15 minutes for this exercise. Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Sit in a comfortable chair, close your eyes, and for five minutes (you can use an egg timer or set the alarm on your phone) focus on your breathing and count your breaths. If you lose count, start over. Continue until the time is up.

2. Now bring to mind something about your partner that disturbs you. Hold it firmly in your mind for two deep breaths. Then let it go and immediately bring up something you love about your partner. Hold that firmly in your mind for five deep breaths. Repeat this for five minutes.

3. Now imagine your partner. Think about them on the day that you married. At a time when they were grieving. And/or at a time when you felt particularly proud of them. Holding this image in your mind, say out loud: “My partner is a human being. Like me, they try hard, make mistakes, feel pain, and want to be loved.” From this place, send your partner loving thoughts.

Then:

Continue this exercise for the remainder of your exercise program, adding it to the days when you’re already sharing
Appreciations with each other. The goal is to practice to the point where you are able to get to this meditative place easily. This will make staying connected with the Owl a breeze as you listen to your partner’s frustrations.

And Remember
:
You have the power to rewire your brain
.
Building a Partnership Marriage actually changes your brain chemistry, creating new neural pathways to support the work you’re doing
.

TRUTH #9
Your Marriage Is a Laughing Matter

H
ARVILLE

Let’s face it, even the best relationships have deeply serious issues. Treating the issues seriously, however, is
not
the solution. Knowing when to be lighthearted is an art form. Also, many couples find themselves working so hard on their relationship, that they forget to actually have fun together.

A couple’s wisdom about using humor and joy is critical to their happiness together. The sign of a relationship artist is someone who, even when they are dealing with hot-button issues, can touch on them lightly and bring in a spirit that allows for a mutually satisfactory solution.

After all, life isn’t about our job, or who or what we know, or how much stuff we own. These things don’t make us happy. It is about
who
we are at our core—and how healthy our connection is with each other.

At our core is JOY. It is our essential nature—with us from the moment of birth.

Birds have flocks. Dogs have packs. Horses have herds. And humans are wired for connection.

We are wired for connection!

Connection and joy are two sides of the same coin. You can’t experience joy without being peacefully connected.

We believe that you were meant to live in this original, blissful, JOY!

Before you can ride off into the bliss, however, you have to wake up to a very important fact. There is one surefire way you can kill joy.…

RELATIONSHIP JEOPARDY IS NOT A GAME SHOW

Have you ever said to your partner (or secretly said to yourself) anything like the following:

“If my partner really loved me, they would know what I want …”

“We’ve been together for over twelve years. How can they not know …”

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for two months or twenty-two years. If you have struggles in your relationship, it’s likely because you:

    1. Expect your partner to know what you feel, want, and need (without ever telling them); and/or

    2. Assume that you know how your partner feels and what they want (without ever asking them).

Assuming your partner can read your mind or attempting to read theirs is as toxic as negativity. We call this “Relationship Jeopardy,” and it’s fatal to your marriage. Falling into either or both of these traps sucks the joy right out of your relationship.

When you expect, assume, and demand, you make your partner feel like an object. What you’re ultimately communicating to your partner is: “You exist to meet MY needs.” But if mind reading, expecting, and assuming are
not
the things to do—what should we do?

THE ULTIMATE CARE PACKAGE

ASK! Instead of assuming, you have to
ask
your partner what gives them pleasure. Then
really listen
to what your partner says, and give them what they ask for. And they need to do the same for you.

This leads us into the Caring Behaviors exercise. Caring Behaviors is
the
chance for you and your partner to share what specifically feels most caring to each of you. These are the behaviors you want from your partner, but have kept secret. The behaviors you hoped (okay, assumed) your partner would guess. The ones you blamed your partner for not doing. (And it’s also nice to include the things your partner is
already doing
that feel caring to you.)

Whoa—here you’ve been blaming your partner for not figuring it all out. And all the while it was actually
your
responsibility to tell them. Everyone feels loved in different ways. Caring Behaviors can range from having your partner bring you a cup of coffee before you get out of bed in the morning, to having some uninterrupted time every other weekend so you can focus on home repair projects. One person may want a back rub, for another it’s an occasional date night out on the town.