Making Marriage Simple (19 page)

Knowing which you are is all well and good, but what can you do about it? Following are ideas that we, and the couples in our workshop, have found very useful. These ideas are great when you’re in the midst of a struggle. But you can also use them
before
any conflict arises to avoid having the Hailstorm hail or the Turtle hide.

Coaxing That Turtle Out

You’re a Hailstorm and your Turtle is firmly stuck in their shell. Here are some ideas for luring them out:

1. Ask them what they need right now.
Don’t get upset if they aren’t sure. Just ask the question, and then focus on being someone your partner feels safe confiding in. Become more curious about why your Turtle has a hard shell (and a soft belly)
.

2. Don’t do anything.
This is the simplest (and generally most effective) option. But it’s also often the hardest for a Hailstorm. The thing is, if you give your Turtle a bit of space, they will peek out of their shell before you know it—and you won’t feel like you’re in it alone anymore
.

3. Write a short, kind note of sincere praise, and leave it somewhere for them to find (e.g. on their desk, night-stand, in their briefcase, taped to the bathroom mirror).
This reminds the Turtle that they are appreciated
.

Calming the Hailstorm Down

You’re a Turtle, and your Hailstorm is at full fury, pounding you with their golf-ball-sized hail. Here are some ideas to soothe the storm cloud away:

1. Leave them a token of appreciation—a flower, a kind note, or a favorite snack.
This little gesture lets them know you care about them, and that you’re not withdrawing
.

2. Ask: “What’s going on?” Listen, and repeat back what your Hailstorm says.

3. If you really want to calm the Hailstorm, you can ask: “Is there something I can do for you?”
More than anything, this will let the Hailstorm know that you’ve got their back. And having a partner who has their back means everything to the Hailstorm. The thing is, you’ve got to follow up and actually DO whatever it is that they’ve said
you could do for them. Otherwise you can expect the hail you’re receiving to get even bigger!

And Remember
:
Incompatibility is not only grounds for marriage.… It’s the opportunity to create a great marriage!

Truth #3: Conflict Is Growth Trying to Happen
EXERCISE: MISSES AND WISHES

The conflict you’re experiencing is normal. You are not alone. Every couple on the planet struggles at times. Whew! What a relief.

Conflict has a message. Something new is trying to emerge in your relationship. The more you can identify what is trying to emerge in your relationship, the easier it will be to create. And this exercise is going to help you do just that.

First:

1. Write down the things you loved about your relationship when you first met, and miss now (see “Misses and Wishes!” on
this page
).

2. Next write down something you’ve been longing to feel in your relationship—something you’ve possibly never felt before.

Then:

Take turns sharing items from each list. As you do, it’s natural for memories to come up. Share those too. For example, if one of your wishes is that you’d love to travel more often, this might lead you to a memory of a wonderful trip you took together early in your relationship. Sharing that memory—and even cuddling while you do it—will get your brain to release the love hormone oxytocin, which is responsible
for the wonderful feelings you had when you were in the Romantic Love phase of your relationship.

You can also make a list of things you want to create in your relationship and hang it on the fridge. Some of these may be relatively small (like being more affectionate with each other or having friends over more), and some might be larger (like going on a second honeymoon). Having your relationship wishes in plain sight will remind you to focus on creating them.

And Remember
:
By stretching to give your partner what they need, you grow new skills
.

MISSES AND WISHES!

My Name: _________________________

MISS

I Loved when We …

Example (general): … had candlelight dinners together.

I Loved when We …

Example (specific): … went on a spontaneous trip to Boston for the weekend
.

WISH

I Wish We Could …

Example (general): … have more spontaneous sex.

I Wish We Could …

Example (specific): … go to a Broadway play together
.

MISSES AND WISHES!

My Name: _________________________

MISS

I Loved when We …

Example (general): … had candlelight dinners together.

I Loved when We …

Example (specific): … went on a spontaneous trip to Boston for the weekend
.

WISH

I Wish We Could …

Example (general): … have more spontaneous sex.

I Wish We Could …

Example (specific): … go to a Broadway play together
.

Truth #4: Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past
EXERCISE: “SPRING CLEANING” FOR THE SPACE BETWEEN

Ah, the Space Between—the invisible space that determines the health of your relationship. You can fill the Between with tension and conflict or you can fill the Between with love and safety. Here’s an exercise that will help you transform your Between into Sacred Space.

First:

1. In the pictures on
this page
, write your name in one of the small circles and your partner’s name in the other.

2. In the large circle at the top, list as many thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as you can that describe the positive things in your Between, the things that are WONDERFUL. These are the things that bring safety, connection, and/or passion into your relationship, like: respect, love, co-parenting, date nights.

3. In the circle at the bottom, list as many thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as you can that describe the negative things in your Between, the things that are CHALLENGING. These are the things that bring doubt, disconnection, and/or upset into your relationship, like: distrust, criticizing, lack of intimacy, no fun.

Then:

Share with your partner how
they
contribute to what is
wonderful
in your relationship.
(For example: “The best thing I see you bring to our space is …”)
Follow that up with how
you
contribute to the challenges.
(For example: “I feel I contribute to our challenges when I …”)
Finally, explore some ideas together on how you both can increase the wonderful and remove the challenges so that you create safety in the Between, transforming it into Sacred Space.

And Remember
:
One of the most beautiful and profound things about relationship is that we’re called into the role of being each other’s healer. This means NO shame, blame, or criticism in your Between!

THE SPACE BETWEEN

My Name: _________________________

THE SPACE BETWEEN

My Name: _________________________

Truth #5: It’s Not WHAT You Say; It’s HOW You Say It
EXERCISE: THE IMAGO DIALOGUE PROCESS

Dialogue is a structured way of talking that builds empathic connection between you and your partner. Now it’s your turn to engage in this evolutionary way of relating. The more you practice Dialogue, the more natural it will feel. So don’t be surprised if you find yourself Mirroring, Validating, and Empathizing with your partner throughout the day as you share challenges and triumphs with each other. And definitely feel free to use it during unscheduled times when frustrations or something to celebrate about your relationship surfaces.

First:

1. Choose who will be the Sender and who will be the Receiver.

2. Pick a topic. We suggest you start with something positive like sharing an Appreciation about your partner or sharing something about your day at work.

3. To begin, the Sender asks the Receiver for an appointment by saying: “Are you available for an Imago Dialogue?”

And go to
www.MakingMarriageSimple.com
for video examples and other resources
.

Step One: Mirroring

The Sender states their message, using Sender Responsibility.

The Receiver reflects back ONLY what the Sender says using the following language: “So let me see if I got it. You
[insert here exactly what your partner said]
. Did I get it?”

After the Sender confirms that the Receiver got it, the Receiver asks: “Is there more?”

The Receiver continues Mirroring until the Sender feels fully heard.