Loving Her (10 page)

It was killing me.  I hadn’t
talked to Jen since leaving her that text and seeing her response.  I didn’t
respond to it because she seemed okay with things, I guessed.  It was a little
too bazaar, though.  I was certain she felt the same things I did, but now I
wasn’t so sure about anything. 

I made the decision not to call
or text her for a while because I had already fucked up so much.  I didn’t know
what to do next and she certainly didn’t deserve to be tainted by my screwed up
mental state. 

It was Wednesday and I hadn’t
seen Jen or heard her voice since Saturday.  Around three o’clock, I got a call
from my brother.  Romyn was an orthopedic surgeon and he and his wife, Mia,
lived in Scottsdale.  We tried to see each other often.  He and I were close,
especially after the sudden death of our father my senior year of college.  Our
mother had a house outside the city, near La Mesa, but wasn’t there very
often.  She and her husband travel the world most of the year and we only saw
her every few months, so I was alone here except for when Romyn was able to
come or when I could escape to Arizona.  It made for a lonely existence
sometimes.

“Hey, man.  What’s up?”  Romyn
was always cheerful.

“Hey there.  Not much going on
here.  Are you in town?”

“Yep.  Want to have dinner
tonight?”  That was exactly what I needed.

“I would love it, man.  What time
and where?”  I hoped I didn’t sound too desperate.

“Let’s meet at Phil’s at seven.
Sound good?” 

“Yeah.  I’ll see you there.”  I
hung up and felt my mood lift at the anticipation of hanging out with Romyn.  Shit! 
I forgot to ask him if Mia had come along. 

I went back to work trying to
concentrate on my newest client and drown out my thoughts of Jen.  I hated the
feeling that things we unsettled between us.  It was weird how I’d suddenly
attached myself to her after only knowing her a short time.  There was just
something about Jen that I couldn’t let go of and it scared me.  To care about
Jen meant having to let go of Kristen and I just didn’t know how to do that or
if I wanted to.

Around six o’clock, I packed up
my things and headed to my car.  I stopped off to pick up my dry cleaning, then
drove to Phil’s.  I figured if I was early, I’d just have a drink at the bar
while I waited on Romyn.

I sat there, sipping on my beer
when warm, small hands came from behind and covered my eyes.  My shock was not
unnoticed.  She whispered in my ear, “Lookin’ good, dude!”  I laughed as I
stood and turned around, knowing exactly who it was.

“Mia! I wondered if you were here
with Romyn.”  I hugged her, picking her up as I did and kissed her on the
cheek.  She was my sister…fully….even if not by blood and I loved her dearly. 
She had done so much for me and loved me through everything with Kristen. 
Romyn had too, but Mia would always hold a rare, special place in my soul.

“So, where’s my brother?  Did you
run off on him and decided I was the brother for you?”  She knew all too well
that I was kidding. 

“Actually, he called and said he
was running late.  Romyn’s here for meetings about some new surgical equipment and
the other physicians with him sort of held things up with questions.”

“Well, that’s fine by me.  We can
get a table a catch up before he gets here.”  I smiled and she raised her
eyebrows and smiled.  She assumed I had news to tell her since I’d been in a
perpetual loop of mourning for five years.

We were led to a table and
ordered more drinks.  “So, Ry, what’s up?  You have a strange look on your face
and you know damn good and well you cannot hide anything from me. So, spill
it!”

“Damn, Mia!”  I took a drink of
my beer and thought about how to begin.  Mia just sat across from me with
eyebrows raised and waited.

“Okay.  Well, I’ve met someone….”

“WHAT?  WHO…oh my God, Ry…..tell
me everything!”  She was practically screaming and bouncing in her seat.

“Hey, slow down.  You didn’t even
let me finish my sentence.”  I paused.  “As I was saying, I met someone through
a work thing.  She doesn’t work with me.  She actually works for a rival firm,
but…God, Mia.  I can’t seem to get her out of my head.”

She reached across and took my
free hand as I brought my beer up to my mouth for a drink, stalling as I came
up with my next revelation.

“And....” She always was a
persistent shit.

“And, I spent the weekend with
her….at her place….but sort of freaked out when she started asking questions
about me and my past and she….I don’t know….she tried to play it off as no big
deal when I refused to talk, but I saw the look on her face and the change in
her voice.  She was hurt and I couldn’t blame her.  It wasn’t like she was
drilling me for answers.”  I paused.  “Actually, it was a pretty perfect
situation for me to tell her about Kristen, but I couldn’t.  And, now there’s
no telling what is rattling around in her head about me and my past.”

Mia sat quiet, only rubbing her
thumb over my knuckles to calm me and keep me talking.  Finally, she asked,
“So, have you seen her since the weekend?”  She was being really careful with
her words.  She had gently pushed me the last few years to move on and now that
I was finally telling her that I liked someone, she was a powder keg of emotion
and excitement.

“No.  I left her place on
Saturday and figured she needed some space.  I haven’t called or gone by to see
her.”

Mia let out a sigh.  “Ry, that
might have been the wrong thing to do, babe.  I’m afraid you may have left her
feeling used and that’s a hard thing to overcome…even if the guy is as great as
you.” She smirked. Crap, I hadn’t really thought of it like that.

“Shit, Mia!  That’s not what I
wanted.  She’s gonna hate me, isn’t she?”  My stomach churned at the thought. 

“I don’t know, Ry.  But, if you
think she is someone worth spending time with after being alone these last few
years then, maybe you’d better come up with a way to make her understand….tell
her.  Give her the answers she’s looking for.  It’ll be okay….if she’s in this
to know the real you, then it will work out okay.  If not, then it wasn’t
something worth spending your heart on.”

“Mia….”  I whispered her name and
bowed my head.  “I just don’t know how to let go of Kristen or if I even want
to let go and move on.”

“I know, but you have to try. 
You deserve to be able to move on…and you know I loved Kristen and saw what you
guys went through, so take my approval for what it is….a blessing from all of
us, including Kristen, to live…to feel life again.”

She had huge tears running down
her face when I looked up and after listening to her sincere words, I reached across
the table and wiped her tears with my thumb.  “Thank you, sis.  You always know
just what to say and I love you for being my best friend and number one
cheerleader.  I don’t know what I’d ever do without you and Romyn.”  I kiss the
back of her hand that I was holding.

“Well, what do we have here? 
Holding hands and stroking my wife’s face?  If I didn’t know any better, I’d
kick your ass, bro!”  I smiled and winked at Mia, then stood and man-hugged my
big brother.

“Hey, man!”  I gave Romyn the
customary man slap on the back and we both laughed.  “See what happens when
you’re late and leave my sister all alone?  Other men creep in and take your
place.” 

Romyn laughed and said, “Yeah,
well….good thing my brother was here to protect my interests.  Now, sit down
and tell me what has you two so worked up.”

Mia kissed her husband and
happily clapped her hands together. “I’ll fill you in!”  I rolled my eyes and
sat quietly, sipping my beer as Mia gave an abbreviated version of our chat. 
She always had a way of not making me sound like a complete pussy. 

Romyn just nodded his head and
only said one thing.  “Ry, if this girl got
your
attention after all
this time, then it’s worth it to try to see where it might go.”  He was right. 
Now, I just had to see if Jen would even speak to me.

We spent the next few hours
laughing and enjoying our time together before Mia and Romyn drove back to
their hotel.  I tried to get them to stay with me, but they told me ‘no’ and
that I needed to go find Jen and talk to her.  I knew they were right, but I
needed a little time to sort out my thoughts.

We planned to meet at a club on
Friday night before they left for home on Saturday and I promised to try and
get Jen to come with me.  I had no idea how or if I could do that, but I appeased
them and said I’d give it a ‘go’.

It was fucking unbelievable that
I’d end up at Phil’s the same night that Rylan Daniels was there with another
woman.  I saw them in the bar as she approached and covered his eyes.  He was
so happy to see her.  I hadn’t been privy to that smile yet.  He was just
beautiful, in an asshole bastard kind of way. 

I froze in my steps, watching
them interact, until Emily shook my arm and pried my eyes away.  When I looked
at her, she said, “What the hell is wrong with you?  Your face just got ghostly
white.”

She followed where my eyes had
been and mumbled, “What the fuck?”  Yeah….my thoughts exactly.  “I’ll be
back.”  She started to walk toward Rylan, but I grabbed her arm, stopping her.

“NO!  I don’t want any more
drama, okay?  He obviously has a girlfriend or
whatever
and that was his
whole issue about last weekend.  Please let it go.  I’ve been humiliated
enough.”  I couldn’t even be mad.  I felt too hurt and used to feel angry.  Em
must have registered my grief and let it go.

“For you, I’ll let it go for
now.  But, I swear Jen, if I see him somewhere and you’re not around, things
are gonna get ugly…really fucking fast!” 

I laughed and hugged my best
friend. “Thank you.”

“Want to go somewhere else?  I
can call Cale and have him meet us at a different restaurant.”

“No.  It’s
his
birthday
and this is where he wanted to go.  We are not leaving because of Rylan.  Let’s
just sit so he can’t see us, okay?”  I would have felt like shit for making
them leave Phil’s.  I just needed to avoid Rylan and enjoy my friends.

Unfortunately, they sat us where
I could see Rylan and his beautiful girl, but Em and Cale couldn’t.  They held
hands and were having some intense conversation.  He even wiped tears off her
cheek at one point and I felt nauseous.  I eventually excused myself and went
to the restroom.  I needed to escape from all the sickening feelings I was
having.  God, I hated myself for giving into him and hated him for fooling me.
He really did want to see if he could get in my pants like Jack.  Well, bravo,
Mr. Daniels.  You won!

I texted Em from the bathroom and
told her I was catching a cab home because I just couldn’t watch ‘The Rylan Show’
anymore, but made her promise not to tell Cale why I was leaving.  He would
have walked over and beat the shit out of Rylan just for hurting me.

Emily:

Okay, Jen.  I’m sorry. 

I’ll tell Cale you felt sick or something. 

Call me when you get home.

I loved that she just understood
and didn’t fight me when things were difficult.

I left the restaurant without
looking toward his table or at anyone else.  I drove home, tears running down
my face, feeling so completely confused and disgusted with everything.  I
wanted to just crawl in bed and stay there for days.  I didn’t understand.

As soon as I walked in my door, I
texted Emily to let her know I was home.

Emily:

Okay.  I love you.

Jen:

Love you too.  Tell Cale

I said ‘happy birthday.’

I’ll call you tomorrow.

I walked to my bathroom and
climbed in the shower.  I let the water wash over me and tried to get the image
of Rylan and his girlfriend out of my head.  My thoughts wondered to why he
would come over here
twice
to make sure I wasn’t mad at him and let it
escalate into more than just an apology.  I just didn’t get it. 

I fell asleep on top of the
covers on my bed and slept soundly most of the night.  I awoke right before my
alarm went off and crawled out of bed to shower for work.  As I passed my
phone, I saw a text from Jack.  Great!  Just what I needed.

Jack:

Hi.  I think we need to kiss

and make up.  I was a jerk for not

calling and checking up on you.

Truth is, I was bullied into leaving

you alone. Can we have drinks
or something?

Well, at least he was honest…sort
of.  I was assuming it was Rylan that ‘bullied’ him.

Jen:

Hi, Jack.  Yeah…not sure that it’s a good idea

to meet with you.  I heard
ALL
about what

happened after out last encounter.

You’re a real fucking asshole!

Jack:

Yeah.  I was a
TOTAL FUCKING

ASSHOLE
to talk about you and

what happened between us, Jen.

It was an incredible night and

I can’t stop thinking about you. So,

I guess the joke’s on me, huh?

I really want to see you again.

Dinner?  Nothing more…promise!

We can even meet at the
restaurant.

Shit!  I really didn’t know if it
was the right thing to do to go out with Jack; especially after what I had
learned about him from Rylan.  But, Rylan lied about having a girlfriend and I
had proof….from my own eyes. 

I didn’t answer for a long
while.  I needed a little time to think and maybe plan a little revenge.   It
wasn’t that I really wanted to go out with Jack, but I had a feeling it might
bother Rylan and I wanted to get back at him for making me care about him. Maybe
it was time I started learning how to use people, too.  I mean, Rylan used
Jack’s bullshit as an excuse to call, take me out and fuck me crazy.  So, even
though Jack had just admitted to being exactly what Rylan claimed him to be and
I might be setting myself up for more than I bargained for, I wanted to hurt
Rylan and Jack was the key.

Jen:

Sure.  When and where?

But, Jack….this is just dinner!

I will be arriving alone and leaving

alone…GOT IT!

Done.  I almost felt better. 
Jack texted back.

Jack:

Tomorrow…Friday.  I’ll pick you up

at 7:00.  Looking forward to
it.

Jen:

Okay.  See you then.

I hoped I was doing the right
thing because I had an uneasy feeling about it.

I left for work right on time;
the conversation with Jack still lingering in my mind.  It felt like I was
cheating on Rylan, even though we certainly weren’t a couple…hell, we were
nothing, as a matter of fact, especially considering the fact that he had a
girlfriend or wife or whatever.

My day was pretty productive, but
at 4:30 I received a text that really threw my day into a tailspin.

Rylan:

Jen.  I’m sorry this is the first time

I’ve contacted you all week.  I’d like

to make it up to you by going out

on Friday night.  Dancing?

What the hell?  Oh, game on
asshole!

Jen:

Sorry, Rylan.  I have plans…

with Jack.  You’re too late.

And, I really felt like that.  He
was too late.  I saw him with someone just the night before.  How in the hell
did he have the nerve to ask me out?!?

He immediately texted me back.

Rylan:

WHAT?!?!?

THE FUCK YOU ARE!!

You’re NOT going out with

that fucking prick, Jen. 

You’d better cancel

your fucking date with him! 

Not happening!

Whoa!  His sudden change in
personality nearly made me drop my phone.  I wasn’t expecting that kind of
immediate, forceful reaction.  And, where the hell did this macho, psycho shit
come from?  And, where the fuck did he get off telling me what I was or wasn’t
going to do!

Jen:

Rylan Daniels!!

You have absolutely no say in what

I do or who I do it with!  Fuck you, asshole!

I saw you.  I know about HER!

So, don’t you dare tell me
what to do!

I wasn’t going to say a word
about seeing him with her, but my temper got the best of me.

Rylan:

What the hell are you talking about?

You will NOT go with HIM, Jen!

You are supposed to be with
me, not him!

Wait, what?  I didn’t belong to
anyone.  What the hell?

Jen:

Rylan, what in God’s name makes

you think I belong to YOU?

I saw you at Phil’s with your

girlfriend or wife or whoever

the hell she was! 

Don’t play your fucking

games with me.  I’m done.

He didn’t answer, so I guessed I’d
made my point.  I almost felt sad about not getting another text from Rylan.  I
wanted him to at least admit that he had a girlfriend.  I suppose him not
responding was my confirmation. 

I packed my stuff up and headed
home.  I couldn’t work after that little conversation so it was a blessing that
the day was just about over because my mind was a complete fucking mess.

I barely remember making the
drive to my condo.  But, I became fully aware of everything as soon as I walked
up to my door and saw him.   He stood and walked toward me with a look on his
face that I recognized, but had not seen on his beautiful face before.   He had
a determined, possessive, craziness about him and I froze in place. “Rylan? 
What the hell do you want?”

He grabbed the back of my head
and slammed his body and lips against mine.  I started to protest and push him
away, but God he felt and tasted so good.  I couldn’t help but to kiss him
back.  I stood with my arms to my side, motionless except for my mouth moving
against his. My whole body was aching for Rylan and I hated it.  I suddenly
remembered
her
and stiffened, pulling away from him.

“Stop!” I finally managed to get
out as I pushed against his chest, but he wrapped his arms around my body and
held me tight to his chest.

“No, Jen.  I’m not stopping.”
Rylan voice was a hard whisper as he laid his forehead against mine.  I
couldn’t think.  “You want me too, don’t you?  Please tell me you do.”

I tried to back out of his arms,
but he held me tight.  “Rylan.”  Tears were forming and threatened to fall.  “What
are doing?  I saw you.  You have a girlfriend.  Please stop this.  You’re
hurting me.”  My words weren’t harsh or ugly like I wanted them to be. 
Instead, the hurt and sadness seeped through every one of them and I couldn’t
stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks.  I barely knew Rylan, but the
thought of his heart belonging to someone else, killed me.  I didn’t want to
lose him.

“No, Jen.  You’ve got it wrong. 
Please listen.  That was my sister-in-law.”  What?  Who holds hands with their
sister-in-law?

“Rylan, don’t lie…please.  Not
now.  You looked a little too intimate for that to be your sister-in-law.” 
This time, when I pulled away, he let go and I turned to walk to my door and go
inside. As I unlocked the door, twisted the knob and without turning around, I
softly said, “Just leave, Rylan.  Let me keep a little of my dignity, I’m
begging you.” 

Rylan followed me, reached from
behind me and stopped me from opening the door.  I could feel his body gently
pressed against my back.  He leaned into my ear and said, “Jen.  You don’t
understand.  She’s helped me through a lot of…..things and has known me a long
time.  We have more of a brother/sister relationship.  I mean, didn’t you see
my brother sitting with us?”

Brother?  What?  I spun around to
see his face and he sucked in a small breath at seeing my face wet with tears. “No
Rylan.  I saw the two of you at the table, holding hands and you wiping tears
off her face.”  My voice sounded small and pathetic and I felt broken over a
man I barely knew.

He smiled slightly, cupped my
face and said, “Baby.  My brother Romyn was there too.  He was just late so we
sat to talk.  It wasn’t what you thought.  Please believe me.  I was actually
telling her about you.”  He froze, just staring at me.

“Me?” I felt a little hope spring
up in my torn heart.

“Yeah, you.  I told her I wanted
to get to know you better, maybe have her and my brother meet you.”  He
carefully rubbed his thumbs across my cheeks to wipe away the tears running
down my face.  “What’s wrong, Jen?”

“I don’t know.  I mean…shit,
Rylan.  I don’t even know you, but when I saw you with her, I just….”  I
couldn’t finish my thought because Rylan kissed my mouth so tenderly.

“You just sort of lost it like I
did when you said you were going out with that prick.”  Yep.

“Yeah, I guess you could say
that.”  I smiled a little.

“Jen, you’re not going out with
him.”  It wasn’t a question and I was okay with that.

“Rylan,” I started.

“NO, JEN!  You’re not going out
with him!  Please don’t ask me to watch you go out with that asshole.  I can’t
let you.  I just can’t.”

“Why, Rylan?”

“Because… you’re not!  You’re
mine, not his.  I just want to…I want time to know you; all about you and I
won’t share you while we’re trying to learn each other.  Please, just don’t see
him.”  His words were raw and painful, but I didn’t know why.

“Rylan.” He stared at me and took
a sharp breath like he was preparing for a backlash, but that wasn’t what was
going to happen.  “I was going to say ‘okay.’  I won’t go out with him.  I want
time to know you, too.  I only said ‘yes’ to Jack because I felt so hurt seeing
you with someone else.” I paused.  “I can’t believe I’m saying all this.  We’ve
only known each other a short time, but it killed me Rylan.  Losing the hope of
something more with you, killed me.”

He pulled me to his chest and
said, “Yeah, that’s what I was feeling when you said you were going out with
Jack and I was ‘too late.’  I couldn’t get over here fast enough, especially
when I figured out you thought I had another girl.”