Loving Her (14 page)

“YOU TOLD HER WHAT?”  I was
yelling a Mia.

“First of all, it was NEVER your
place to tell her about Kristen!  And, secondly she does not look like
her
!”

“Uh, dude she looks just like
her.  Open your eyes and face it.  She was filling a void, man.”  Romyn chimed
in.

I grabbed him by the collar and
screamed, “FUCK YOU!  You don’t know shit,
dude
!”  The sarcasm was
dripping off the word. 

Mia touched my arm and when I
looked at her, she was crying, “Ry.  Please listen.  I know you don’t want to
hear this, but you have to let her go.  You are going to crush that girl and I
know you don’t want to hurt her.  I can see it in your eyes.  Ry, she is the
spitting image of Kristen and when you finally see it, it will completely
destroy both of you.  She deserves more that to be a replacement and you know
it.”

I felt my whole chest explode
with emotion.  No.  I could never hurt Jen…not like that.  I relaxed my grip on
Romyn and turned to Mia.  “What do I do?  I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t
let her go either.  I really never realized she looked like Kristen, I swear. 
She’s different…”  I bent my head and ran my fingers through my hair.  “Oh dear
God…what have I done?  I….I ….can’t hurt Jen.”

“I haven’t got a clue, Ry, but I
know you care about her.  Maybe take some time to really think about things. 
Give her some space and see what happens.  I’m so sorry.  I just couldn’t do
it, Ry.  She is a wonderful girl and she needed to know.  I could see from the
moment you guys walked into this club that you didn’t realize what was
happening and neither did she.”  Mia paused. “Then, I saw it.”  

“What, Mia?  Saw what?”  I was
coming apart.

“She’s falling in love with you,
Ry, and I couldn’t sit back and watch two innocent people destroy each other.  I’m
sorry.”

I gasped at the thought that Jen
was in love with me.  A few hours ago, I would have been thrilled, but now I
just didn’t know how to feel.  Was I really just using her?  Did I even have
feelings for Jen or was she a replacement like Mia said?  Shit.  I didn’t have
a fucking clue.

I hugged my sister-in-law and
said, “I know you meant well.  You love me and want what’s best.  I just….I
just thought I really cared about her and now…I don’t know.  Maybe I was…”  The
words choked me.  “…using Jen.”

“Ry, you are a good man.  You
would never have done anything to purposely mislead Jen or anyone else.  I just
think you weren’t seeing what was happening.”  Mia’s words didn’t make me feel
any better.

“No!  I won’t believe that was
what I was doing.  How could I when I didn’t even realize she looked like
Kristen?  No!  I don’t want to think that I would do that to someone.”  I
turned and left Romyn and Mia standing there at the table as I exited the club.

I had to talk to Jen.  I drove to
her place as fast as I could.  I needed to look her in the eyes and see if I
was seeing Kristen or Jen.  But, when I got there, no one answered the door and
surveying the parking lot I saw that her car was gone.  Shit!  She’s
running….from me.

I sat down and texted her.  I
waited for several minutes, but she didn’t respond.  I called her number and it
rang a few times telling me it was still on, but it went to her voicemail.  I
hung up because I didn’t know what to say.  Where was she and what the hell was
going through her mind?

I woke up in the same clothes
from the night before and felt the weight of what happened crush my chest.  It
was Saturday.  I had envisioned this day as being filled with lots of
incredible sex with Rylan after an incredible night out with his brother and
sister-in-law.  But, what I got was a huge slap of reality accompanied by a
broken heart, an empty soul and a ravaged savings account.

My body was in paradise, but my
heart and soul were in pure hell.  I got up, changed into my swim suit and
called Emily.

“Hey, girlie.  What’s up?”

Her cheerful voice had me
breaking down in tears. 

“Shit, Jen.  What’s going on?”

I talked to Emily for the next few
hours about everything that had happened over the last few days….Rylan, Jack,
Romyn, Mia and Kristen. 

“Oh, God, Jen.  I really don’t
know what to say, babe.  I will say that I am seeing Rylan in a whole new
light.  I feel awful for him.  Do you really think he saw his wife in you?  I
mean, you were with him.  Did you feel that at all?”

“No.  That’s just it, Em.  I
would have never guessed that he was pining for a dead wife and using me to heal
his hurt….NEVER.  I just don’t know what to believe anymore.”

I started to cry again.  “Jen,
tell me where you are.  Cale and I will come to you.  We deserve a little vacay
ourselves.”  I laughed at the thought.

“Em, I love you, but I think I
need to really soak all this in and actual
feel
the feelings.  If you
guys are here, you will be jumping through hoops to make me smile.”  She knew I
was right.

“Yeah, I get ya.  But, at least
tell me where you are.  Someone needs to know.”

“Promise me you won’t tell
Rylan.”  Emily was quiet for a second too long.  “Forget it.  You hesitated.”

“NO!  Shit.  I just…I think you
need to talk to each other….that’s all.”  Emily was full of shit if she thought
I’d tell her now.

“Gotta go, Em.  I’ll call in a
few days.”  As I hung up, I heard her yelling my name.

I couldn’t even trust my best
friends.  It was a good thing I bought my ticket and hotel with an account no
one could trace because between Em, Cale and Rylan, I’d be found in twenty-four
hours. 

I walked to the beach and sat in
a lounge chair just soaking up the glorious rays.  My entire soul ached with
sadness, but I had the comfort of knowing I could grieve my ‘almost’
relationship with Rylan without anyone knowing me or finding me.  There was
certainly something to be said about anonymity. 

I kept my phone close to me just
in case I needed to torture myself with any texts or calls. 
Unfortunately, none ever came from the one person I wanted to hear from.  I
decided that was probably for the best, but it still hurt like hell.

Late in the afternoon, I received
a text from Jack.

Jack:

Okay.  I’m done being pissed.

I’m sorry for the nasty way I ended our

last conversation.  I like you, Jen and

I just thought we had a connection.

The thought of you going out with

some other fucker kills me. 

Forgive me…..again?

I can be a nice friend, I
promise.

I didn’t think I had the capacity
to forgive Jack again in the middle of grieving the relationship with Rylan
that never was.  So, I just sat there staring at his text for a long time.  Maybe
what I needed was just a friend.  Was Jack capable of that?  Probably not, but
what the hell.

Jen:

Jack.  Let me be clear.

I don’t want a relationship of

any kind with you….or anyone

else right now.  If you can be my

friend, then fine.  I’ll talk to you.

Otherwise, stop contacting me.

Jack:

Okay.  I can do that.

Doubtful, but whatever.  I just
didn’t really care at the moment.  I just wanted some peace and I needed to
make peace with Jack.  Throwing him a bone was all I could manage right now.

I sat back and ordered another
drink.  I decided I was the most boring company ever.  I needed to find
something to fill my time in paradise….tomorrow I would.

Crazy.  I was going fucking crazy. 
Jen had been gone ‘God knows where’ for five days and not one person knew where
she was. I went by her house twice a day to look for her.  I needed to see
her…desperately.  I finally found her friend Emily’s number and even she didn’t
know where Jen had gone.  At first, I didn’t believe her, but when she broke
down in tears about it all, I knew she was telling the truth.  I was going mad
thinking about the fact that she was ‘somewhere’ all alone and if anything
happened to her, none of us would even know about it. 

The thought made me fucking
insane.  I had to figure out where she had gone.  Not one text or call had been
answered in a week.  I finally had to call in a favor.

“This is Ben.”  Thank God.

“Hey man.  What’s happening?”  I
tried to play it cool.

“Rylan.  Dude…what up?  How ya
doing friend?”  Ben Cavett was an old friend that I had gone to high school and
college with.  He was a good man and was an incredible support to me when
Kristen was sick.  I hadn’t talked to him a lot in the last few years. It was
just too painful and he understood why.

“I’m doing okay.  Listen.  Can
you meet me for lunch?  I need your help.”  He didn’t hesitate.

We met at a café near his office
and I laid out all the details of what was happening in my life.  He sat quiet
for several minutes.

“What are you thinking, Ben?”

“First of all, I am happy to hear
you are doing okay and trying to move on with life.  But, Rylan, are you sure
you want me to do this?  Are you sure Mia isn’t right?”  He knew my whole
family and knew what Kristen and I had gone through.  While I respected Ben a
great deal, I just wanted him and everyone else to shut the fuck up and do what
I asked.

“Yes.  Look.  If I don’t find her
and at least try to figure this whole thing out, how will I know anything,
man?” 

Ben looked at me and said, “Yep,
I agree.  I just needed to hear you say it.  Let me do some digging and I’ll
call you tomorrow.”

I sighed.  “Thank you, Ben. I
knew you were the guy to call.”

He stood and shook my hand.  “You
bet.  I’m on it, Rylan.”

When he left, I felt better about
everything.  If I could just get her back here to me and talk about things, we
would be okay I was sure….well, almost sure.

That night, I had another
nightmare about Kristen.  She was begging me not to leave her.  I woke up
drenched in sweat.  Jesus….I couldn’t handle dreaming about her in the middle
of all this stuff with Jen.

I decided to drive to the one
place I hadn’t been in a while.  It was four o’clock in the morning, but it
didn’t matter.

I parked and walked the rest of
the way along grassy knolls and concrete pillars.  I bent down and looked at
her name.  I felt sick with grief as all we had gone through came rushing back
to me.

I knelt down.  “Hi, baby.”  The
tears began to flow.

“I’m sorry.  I should have come
last week.  Forgive me.”  I felt the guilt rise up in my gut and I lowered my
head and sobbed.  I didn’t know what to say or do, so I sat, head down and just
started talking to my wife.

“Baby, I met someone and I don’t
know what to do.  Tell me what to do.  Mia says she looks just like you, but I
didn’t see it until now.  I don’t want to hurt her.”  I looked up to the sky
and let the tears stream down my cheeks. “And, I don’t want to hurt anymore,
baby.  I don’t want to be alone here anymore.”

“What do I do, baby?  Tell me,
please.  Do I let her go and keep mourning you and what could have been or do I
take a chance and see what she might mean to me?”  Just saying the words, made
my whole body shake.  I was afraid of either answer.

“Would you hate me forever,
babe?  I couldn’t live knowing you were disappointed or hated me.  Please tell
me what to do?”  I sat at her grave for hours just praying I would get some
kind of sign.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my
shoulder.  I turned to see Mia behind me.  “I thought you might be here.”

“How did you know?  And, what the
hell are you doing here at…”  I looked at my watch.  “…..Five o’clock in the
morning?”

“I went to your house and you
weren’t home, so I actually came out here to talk to her.  When I drove up and
saw your car, I just smiled.  I had a feeling you might be here.”

“What do I do, Mia?  I prayed and
asked Kristen but….nothing.  I don’t feel anything other than confusion.”

“You know, Ry?  That’s why I’m
here.  I had to find you because I dreamed about Kristen tonight.  And, I know
it sounds strange, but I swear to you, she was trying to tell me something and
she was telling me come here…and find you.”

Mia paused and when I looked at
her, she had tears running down her face.  “She was smiling and watching
you…you and Jen.   She was happy that you found someone to love.  She wants you
to live, babe.”

I didn’t know what to say.  We
were both crying and I wrapped Mia up in my arms as we sat at her grave
silently mourn the life she could have had. 

Mia spoke first.  “I was wrong to
say anything to Jen.  I should have let you live your life without any of my
hang-ups or judgments.  Forgive me, Ry.  I just want you to be happy and from
what I saw with you and Jen, you really like her, don’t you?”

“I do and I swear to you, I never
saw Kristen in her, Mia.  NEVER!  She was always just Jen to me.  She might
look like her, but I never saw it until you said something.  That must say
something, right?”

“Yeah, babe.  I think it does.” 
She hugged me and helped lift me from Kristen’s grave, but not before we both
gently touched her headstone and whispered ‘I love you’ to our girl.   

As we were about to walk away,
Mia let go of me and knelt in front of Kristen’s grave and said, “I miss you so
much.  I’m holding up my end as best I can and taking care of him.  I need you
to let him go, hun, and give him room to be happy.  We will always love you and
will never forget you.  But, it is time to let him go.”  She kissed her hand
and then placed it on Kristen’s headstone and I couldn’t help my tears.

She stood and wrapped her arms
around me as we walked out of the cemetery.  “Thank you for always taking care
of me, Mia.” My words were a whisper.

“You’re so very welcome, Ry.  I
love you, brother.”  I squeezed her tight as we made our way to our cars.  “Now,
let’s go find that wonderful girl and talk to her.  She loves you, Ry.  I can
tell.”

I didn’t say anything.  “Do you
know where she is, Ry?”

“No one knows.  Even her best
friends don’t know.  She just took off and didn’t tell anyone where she was
going.  I need to find her, Mia.”

“I know, Ry.  What can I do?”

“Not sure.  I have someone
looking into it, but not sure he will be able to track her down.”

 “Have you tried calling her
lately?”

“No.  She hasn’t answered any of
my calls or texts so I think she just wants to be left alone for now and I’m trying
like hell to give her the space.”

“Just trust me when I say that
she really doesn’t want to be left alone.  She wants to hear and feel that you
love her for
her
.  Try harder, Ry.  Find her, babe.”  Mia hugged me and got
in her rental car and drove away.

I stood there for a long time
just thinking about my life.  I didn’t want to be sad anymore.  I wanted to
live and to have a life with Jen.  I had to find her.

I drove home and collapsed on my
bed with Butch curled next to me.  “Well, ole boy….we need to find our girl,
huh?  I just hope I’m not too late.”