Loving Her (8 page)

Oh, God!  I just ran out on her. 
What the hell was wrong with me?  Jen was being pretty amazing, considering all
the emotions surrounding the last twenty four hours.  I mean, making breakfast for
us; for me just felt so right, but it scared the hell out of me.  I just
split.  I couldn’t do it. So when it sounded like she had other things to do, I
took advantage of it and ran away like a coward.  I didn’t even bother to stay
and eat a bite of the breakfast she made.  What a fucking pansy! 

If I were honest with myself, I’d
say that I had feelings for this amazing woman, but the whole thought of ‘feeling’
anything for anyone had me a little sick.  Even after five years without
Kristen, I still didn’t know if I was ready open up and share a significant part
of myself with someone.

By the time the cab dropped me off
at my house, I felt desperate and completely out of sorts.  I wanted to race
back over to Jen’s and just talk to her.  I had so much I needed to say, but
didn’t know to how share my life with her.  She didn’t deserve the burden of my
past, but God help me, I couldn’t stop thinking about her…wanting her. 

I called her phone, not really
knowing what to say, but it went to her voicemail.  Hearing her voice made me
smile, but I decided not to leave a message since I really didn’t know what to
say.  After several minutes of pacing my kitchen floor, I decided to text her;
thanking God I’d thought to get her number.

Rylan:

Hi.  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t

have left this morning.  Can
we talk?

I sucked!  I had nothing to
explain my life, my actions, my attitude….my feelings.  I just hoped she would
except my apology and call me. 

I went for a long run, but
couldn’t help checking my phone every five minutes.  Mile after mile, I could
still taste her kisses and feel her body next to mine and it was driving me
fucking mad.   She had a hold on me and it felt good for the first time in
years.  I just had to find a way not to fuck it all up and the only way that
was going to happen, was if I told her the truth.

I ran back to my house at a
little faster pace, hoping to shower quickly and go over to Jen’s to talk to
her.  I wasn’t sure what I would say, but I wanted to spend some more time with
her.   She never answered my text and didn’t try to call back.  It was complete
silence….for hours and I hated myself more and more as the minutes ticked by.

She needed to understand me and
what all my hang-ups were, but I wasn’t sure how to handle it.  She was so
self-assured and confident and I was a mess of emotion, loaded with an enormous
amount of baggage.

All I could do now was push all
the crap aside, drive to her condo and beg her to see me.

“Jen, you knew he was cold and
distant.  Why the hell did you let him up last night and get involved with the
guy?  I mean, shit girl!  Are you just a glutton for fucked up men or what?!?”

“Thanks, Em!  That’s exactly what
I needed to hear!  Good, God…..you don’t have to be such a fucking bitch to
me!  I’m already kicking myself as it is.”  I was practically sobbing with
regret.  “I have to go!  I can’t talk to you right now.”  I hung up before
Emily could say another word.

I turned my phone to silent and
buried my head in my pillow.  I wanted to just sleep the day away and forget
about everything.

I wasn’t sure how long I had laid
on my bed, but at some point in the late afternoon, I heard my door buzz.  I
was sure it was Emily.  She never liked to leave things unsettled between us. 
I decided not to answer.  I didn’t even want to see my best friend.  My day was
nothing but shit and I just wanted to wallow in it. 

After several attempts to get my
attention, the perp went away and I was thankful.  I crawled out of bed to go
to the bathroom and my phone fell on the floor.  The screen flashed for a
second and I saw four missed texts and several missed calls.   

Rylan had called and texted me. 
I wanted to look, but didn’t.  I knew what both would say….’sorry I bailed on
you this morning…..blah, blah, blah…..excuse, excuse, excuse…..’

No thanks!  My humiliation tank
was completely full and I couldn’t take anymore.

The other calls and texts were
Em, of course.  She could just suck it for now.  I didn’t want any of her shit
either, so I turned my phone completely off as I left the bathroom and made my
way to the kitchen for water.

Still in my pajamas, I curled up
on the couch and dropped in a movie.  I needed a little Markie Mark therapy.  

I felt uneasy about something,
but couldn’t put my finger on it.  Maybe it was the unanswered calls and door
banging.  I felt like someone was almost lurking nearby, so after about an hour
of trying to watch my movie, I went to the door and looked out the peephole.  I
saw nothing, but my radar was tuned in to something going on.  I slowly opened
the door and found Rylan sitting on the steps of my flat with his head in his
hands.

“Rylan?  What the hell?  Do you
always just show up at girl’s houses?”  He just looked at me and stood up.

“Jen.”  He moved closer to me,
but didn’t touch me.  “I thought you weren’t home.  I knocked and rang your
bell for a long time.  I was just…..waiting for you to come home.  Can I come
in?  Please.”

I felt awful.  It wasn’t Emily
who came by, but Rylan.  And, he had been sitting here for at least an hour.  I
took a deep breath and said, “Sure.  Come on in.”  I paused and looked back at
him.  “I’m sorry I didn’t answer the door.  I thought it was
someone
else.”

“It’s okay.  I didn’t deserve for
you to answer.”  He stopped moving and said, “But, please tell me it wasn’t
Jack that you thought was at your door.”

I let out a sort of laugh.  “No. 
I thought it was Emily.”

We walked into my condo and I
went to the kitchen for some water.  “Can I get you something, Rylan?”  I was
sure to use his full name.

“No, thank you.”  As I was making
my way to the couch, Rylan followed and said, “I need to explain some things,
Jen.”

“No, Rylan, you don’t!  I don’t
want to talk about what happened earlier.  Let’s just forget about it…okay?  I
just want to forget it.” 

He stiffened a bit, but said,
“Okay, Jen.”  We sat in silence for a while, just staring at each other. 
Finally I said, “Want to finish watching this movie with me?”

Rylan let out a little laugh, but
turned toward the TV and said, “Sure.  What’s on?”

“Oh, you’re in for a treat!  It’s
my one true love….Mark Walberg.  The movie doesn’t really matter as long as he
takes off his shirt at least once.”  With that, Rylan started belly laughing
and my heart squeezed at the sight.  He was beautiful. 

“Don’t laugh.  He’s yummy!”

“Oh, Jen!  You are just what I
need.  Thank you for making me laugh.  I needed that.”  I smirked at him and
stuck out my tongue.  At that moment, I decided that maybe Rylan was going to
be my friend….a beautiful, complicated friend that I would probably never
understand, but a friend nonetheless.  I mean, who would have come back here
after such a disastrous morning just to talk to me?!?

I stood from the couch and said,
“Popcorn?”

“Yeah, sure.  But, Jen?”

“Yeah?”

He hesitated.  “Can we start
over….well, start from after last night.  I don’t want to ever forget last
night.”  He smiled a sweet, gentle smile that had me hopeful that things would
be okay.

“I’d like that, Rylan…..very
much.”  I turned and ran into the kitchen to get the popcorn.

When I returned, Rylan was on the
opposite end of the couch instead of the side chair.  I sat at my end and put
the popcorn between us.  He just smiled and reached for a handful of salty
goodness. 

I smiled back and settled into my
spot, pushed ‘play’ and let the movie fill the silence.  It was really nice
having him with me, which caused me to have a little trouble concentrating on
the movie.  A few times our hands would reach into the bowl at the same time and
we would both freeze and stare at each other.

Finally, Rylan reached for the
remote, paused the movie and said, “Okay…enough is enough…. I think you want to
touch me as much as I want to touch you.  Can we just sit a little closer and
get this over with?”

“Wow…don’t sound so thrilled!”

“No…that’s not what….shit!  I
didn’t mean it like that.”  He was running his hands through his hair in
frustration.

I touched his arm and he stilled,
looking at me.  “I know. I’m just kidding, Rylan.”  I grinned and pulled his
arm to move him toward me.  He sighed, moved the popcorn bowl out of the way
and slowly maneuvered us so that he was laying behind me.  I turned the movie
back on and we laid there on my couch, my back to his front and watched.  I had
no idea what was going on in the movie.  All I could concentrate on was the
feel of him next to me. 

At some point, Rylan draped his
arm across my midsection and I intertwined our fingers.  He didn’t move any
part of his body except his thumb, which gently rubbed across my hand.  It felt
amazing.

I thought I heard him inhale the
scent of my hair, but I wasn’t sure.  I know I felt him pull me a little closer
to him right in the middle of a big action scene and I melded against his body.

When the movie was about to come
to an end, I felt panic rise up in me.  I didn’t want to move and I certainly
didn’t want him to move. 

As the credits rolled, I felt his
grip tighten, so I turned my head to said, “Want to watch another movie or do you
need to go?”  He just looked at me for several long seconds like he was
thinking about what to say.

But, Rylan said nothing. 
Instead, he kissed me….hard. I turned my body toward his and he gripped my hips
as I ran my fingers through his hair.  His tongue searched my entire mouth and
I loved that I was sober this time and could remember every part of him.  I
looked at him and asked, “Is that a yes?  You’ll stay?”

He kissed the end of my nose and
said, “Yes.  I want to stay, but I’m not promising that I’ll watch the movie.” 
His sexy grin nearly had my clothes spontaneously combusting.  I laughed and
said, “Fine by me.”

With that, Ryland devoured my
mouth again and I wrapped my legs around his and worked to get on top of him. 
“Jen…” he whispered through our kisses.

“Yeah, Rylan?” He took a deep
breath and I could feel him struggling.  So, I lifted my face, but left my lips
on his, looked into his eyes and said, “Tell me what you
need
me to
know.”   The words were soft and breathy as I brushed my lips against his.  I
couldn’t help but to slightly wiggled my body that was fully on top of his.

“I. Want. You.”  Oh, dear God.  I
pulled back further to look deeper into his eyes.

“Are you sure Rylan?”  My words
were so broken and freakishly sad.

“Yes, I’m sure…and I’m so sorry,
Jen….about before.  My reluctance has nothing to do with you….with us.  It’s…..my
history.  I’m just….I’ve been hurt.”

I kissed him and said, “I get
that and it’s okay.  Just….let’s just enjoy each other, Rylan, because I want
you too.”  I felt his body relax and I moved against him.

“Jen….”  He started.

I put my finger on his lips.  “No. 
Just feel.   Don’t think.  It’s what we both want, right?”  I softly kissed him
and he suddenly flipped us over to where he was on top of me.

“Yes.  It’s what I want, Jen. 
And, I can do that…..I can just
feel
.” Rylan pushed his hips against me
and I could feel his erection press into me.  He was watching my face as he
moved and I smiled and pressed back. 

The next time he did it, I closed
my eyes and took a deep breath.  I felt Rylan lean down and kiss my neck as he
was grinding against me.  I wanted to rip his clothes from his body and have my
way with him.

“Rylan…..oh God…..hey?”  I could
barely talk.  He was stirring things in me that had my head jumbled.

“Yeah?”  He said as he kissed my
neck.

I pushed him back to get him to
look at me.  “You’re really okay?  You’re not going to run out on me, are you? 
Leave me all horny and crazy?”  I had to ask.

He laughed and said, “Hell, no! 
I’m not going anywhere.  That okay with
you
?”

“Yes!”  I grabbed his hair in my
hands and completely attacked his mouth.

I felt his hand grazed the side
of my breast and I arched into him.  “Jen…”

I knew he needed a little
encouragement, so I grabbed his hand and placed it on my completely aroused
breast causing him to suddenly stop kissing me, pull back and look at me.  A
slow grin moved across his face and mine.  His thumb grazed my nipple and I
closed my eyes at his touch.  That made him start moving his hips against me
again.  “I need you,” he said in such a soft voice that I almost missed it.

“I know.”  My breath was as raspy
as his.

He smiled. “Oh yeah?”  With that,
Rylan pushed harder against me.  “Jen….I can’t get you out of my mind.”  His
voice was so easy and sweet that it made me want to give him anything he
wanted.

He stopped moving and looked at my
face.  I could see that his eyes were glassy.  “Rylan?  Are you okay?”

“Yeah.  I’m good.  I just want to
look at you….I need to look at you.”  A slight smile crept on my face and Ry
leaned down to kiss the corner of my mouth.  “Can we move off the couch so that
I can hold all of you next to me?”

God, this man was so different
than I’d ever imagined.  He was sweet and sensitive, loving and thoughtful…..who
was Rylan Daniels?!?  And why the hell did he put on such aires?

I smiled and tried to stand, but
his body was covering mine and I was trapped.  “Going somewhere?”  He asked.

“Yeah, to my room, but you are
blocking my way.  Want to help me out?”  Rylan smiled and stood up.

With a very timid voice, he said,
“Can I come with you?”

I stood and wrapped my arms
around him.  “That was my plan.”  I didn’t get anything else out.  Rylan
scooped me up and started to devour my mouth as we moved to my room.

He stood at the edge of my bed as
we kissed for several long seconds then he moved to lay us on my bed, placing
his body on top of mine. 

I cupped his face and just looked
into his tormented eyes.  “Ry, what’s wrong?”

He bent his head into the crook
of my neck and said, “You haven’t called me ‘Ry’ all night.  Why?”

“Because it seemed to cause you
pain, babe.”  Shit!  I didn’t mean to call him that but I couldn’t take it back
and the regret covered me as I felt his whole body stiffened and the walls go
up, blocking me out. 

 “Hey, are you okay?”  I was
gently touching his face.

Rylan closed his eyes for several
seconds.  I just laid there frozen, except for my hands that had moved into his
hair.  When he opened his eyes, they were glassy and full of angst.  “Rylan, talk
to me.”

He took a deep breath and said,
“I’m sorry.  It’s just been a while….since I’ve heard anyone call me ‘babe’ and
even longer since I’ve felt…well, just felt, that’s all.”  He leaned down and
kissed my nose with a small smile on his beautiful face. 

I was relieved and concerned all
at the same time.  I was glad he wasn’t leaving, but worried about what had him
so closed off.  “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”  My voice was almost
a whisper.

“No.  You didn’t.  It just
brought up old feelings,” he paused, “nice feelings, Jen.”  He kissed me so
softly and I felt myself falling even further for this complicated man.

Our kiss intensified and Rylan’s
hands started to roam over my fully clothed body.  He slid his hand down my
side, grazing the edge of my breast and pressing his hips to mine so that I
could feel his erection.  Happy thoughts danced around my head thinking of the
effect I had on Rylan Daniels; a man that I had not so long ago thought was a
cold-hearted asshole.

He moved again and the fire in me
started raging with want. 

Between our deep kisses and his
slow grinding movement against me, I said, “When was the last time you were
buried deep inside someone and just let yourself feel….just let go?”

He breathed deep and said, “Years.”

“Well, it’s time to dust that off
and let me hold you, with every part of me.  I want
you
to feel, Rylan…feel
me around you, holding you, loving you just where you are.”

Rylan’s slow smile said it all
and it was unfathomable how fast we took off our clothes.  Rylan sat up and
took off his shirt, just as I did and before I could even begin to think about
anything, we were both naked, lying next to each other on my bed.