Love & Hate (Book Two: Love) (15 page)

CHAPTER 15

So there is this show on television that tells true stories of women that basically go nuts and kill their husbands or boyfriends in a fit of rage. I never understood how those women could go from being completely normal to crazy maniacs in a split second. Well, not until this exact second, that is.

Millie and I had just been driving back to our house from attending our last class before Thanksgiving break. We stopped at the stop sign in front of Chi Sigma Rho and a bunch of the guys were out front doing yard work before the frat was closed up for break. I knew he would be out there. I tried like hell not to look for him, but my will power was shit. I saw him in the far end of the yard raking leaves and something in me just snapped.

I flung open the door to Millie’s BMW and darted across the lawn toward him. Cutter didn’t even hear me coming. As soon as I reached him I pushed him backward with both my hands.

“
Fuck you!” I scream at him and keep pushing him. Cutter stumbles backwards and drops his rake.

“
What the hell Paige?” He demands.

I stalk towards him and push him again. This time he grabs my wrists with his hands trying to stop me. “Let me go you asshole. I hate you! You ruined my life. I loved you and you broke me. You did this to me. Do you see this? You did this!”

“
Paige…” I pound on his chest trying to get free from him. I know I am a total crazy person but I can’t stop it. I have bottled this all up for far too long and now I have just lost it.

“
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.” I repeat over and over again.

“
Paige, stop this.” He says and tries to shake my arms in attempt to make me break out of my lunacy. I don’t of course and just continue to freak out. I know I am causing an epic scene that will be gossip until the end of time on Greek row, but I can’t help myself, I’m enraged.

Cutter is obviously aware of the attention we are gathering because he yanks on my arms hard and starts dragging me around the corner of the large brick house. He pulls me into the alleyway pushing my back against the cold brick of the house trapping me.

“
I hate you. You ruined me, you know that? No one else wants me now. I hate you!” I scream at him.

“
I know baby. God, do I know.” He says and slams his mouth onto mine. Fire explodes in my belly and I kiss him back with such a fiery.
What are you doing Paige? He is the enemy remember?

I stop kissing him abruptly and try to remember my feelings of hate. I conjure up all the hurt and the pain he has caused me. I push back from him and his eyes roam my face looking for something. Embarrassment floods me as I realize what I just did.

“
Paige…honey are you okay?” Millie peeks her head around the corner looking astonished. I take a step backward and start towards Millie. I’m going to cry and sob. I need Mills to comfort me.

“
Millie, can you give us some time? Paige and I need to talk. I’ll make sure she gets home safe.”
No!

Mills looks at me for confirmation but I know there is no reaction I am completely checked out. “Paige I’ll be right inside with Tanner if you need us.” I don’t reply I just nod my head once and watch as Mills disappears as if in slow motion.

“
Come on. We need to talk.” Cutter says as he drags me behind him still not giving up his hold on me.

“
Where are we going? I don’t want to go anywhere with you!” I snarl at him.

“
We are just going to go up the street to your house so we can be alone. There are too many people here and this has already started the gossip mill.”
He has a point, might as well take this to a more private location.

I follow behind him as we make the short walk to my house. Once inside he leads me to my room and shuts the door.

“
Sit Paige.” He says and points to the edge of the bed.

I do as I’m told and sit down. I’m still in total shock over my crazy behavior. I’m practically catatonic at this point because I’m replaying the mortifying moment that so many people witnessed.

Cutter sits in the vintage chair next to my bed. “I’m getting used to this chair.” He says as he sits down.

His casual statement wakes me up and I look at him. “What do you want to talk about Cutter? Haven’t I pretty much said it all?” I tell him bluntly.

“
Maybe you have, but I haven’t. There are things I need to say. Things you need to hear.” He stares at me intently.

“
Fine, say it. What more could it hurt, right?”
It’s like ripping off a Band-Aid, get it done fast and the pain will be over soon enough.

He leans forward in the chair and places his elbows on his legs for support. “First off I need you to understand how sorry I am. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I know you think that I hate you, but I don’t. Really, I don’t think I ever did. I was just a kid when my Dad was killed. I didn’t fully understand everything that happened and my Mother unfortunately didn’t help me. She became an alcoholic shortly after my Dad died. She would tell Cooper and me how you killed him. She blamed you. Coop and I were just kids so we soaked that hatred up like sponges. It wasn’t until Jasper sat me down and told me that you knew nothing about what happened that I started seeing things differently. Then there was that day at the fair and you ran smack into me. I knew the second you touched me that I could never hate you. You were too sweet and innocent… I wanted you.”

I watch him intently as he takes a long pause and shifts in his chair. He lets out a sigh and then starts again. “Then we came to school and I got to know you. I instantly liked you. You were funny, easy to be around and wicked smart. I knew I was a goner, but I tried to fight it. I tried to push you away but I just couldn’t do it anymore, I had to have you.”

His confession makes me squirm. Reliving the past is bringing back all the memories of how we used to be and the things we used to do, intimate things. I know my face is getting red now and it makes me uncomfortable.

“
I know I should have told you the real story how my Dad died. I tried to tell you several times but every time I chickened out. I didn’t want to ruin what we had. The last time I tried to tell you was the night I told you I loved you for the first time. I was going to say it but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Then when you gave yourself to me, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. Everything was perfect and there was no way I was going to mess that up.”

“
Were you ever going to tell me?” I ask quietly.

“
Yes, I was going to tell you but I wanted to wait until after finals. I knew how hard you were working to get good grades and I didn’t want to mess that up. I was going to tell you on Christmas break. I didn’t get that chance though, because Cooper beat me to it. I will never forgive him for that. It was my fault I didn’t tell you, but what he did wasn’t right either.”

Cutter pauses again and this time he tips his head down at the ground and rakes his hands through his hair. I can see he is replaying things in his head too, but they weren’t the good memories.

“
When you took off from the party that night I followed you. I saw the crash. I watched your car flip over three times and land in the ditch. I can still hear those awful sounds of crushing metal. When I got to you I knew you were in bad shape. You were bleeding badly and you were trapped. I tried like hell to get you out but I couldn’t so I lied down next to you and held your hand. I listened to you breathe and told you how sorry I was. I told you how I loved you. Then when you stopped breathing…”

He isn’t looking at me. I know there are tears streaming down my face but I feel like I’m dreaming. I have been transported back in time to that horrific night.

“
I have never been that scared in my life. I heard the sirens coming and I begged God to save you. I pleaded with him not to take you from me and by some miracle he listened. I rode with you in the ambulance. I forced the EMT’s to let me go with you. When we got to the hospital I had to wait in the waiting area, but I never left. I need you to know Paige, I stayed with you. I couldn’t have left you, not that way. The first few days in the hospital were hard. I could tell your parents weren’t really happy about my presence and your friend Tess made it abundantly clear I was not needed or wanted, but I refused to leave. I slept in the waiting room every night and after hours the night nurse would take pity on me and let me come in your room to visit you.”

“
But when I woke up Jasper told me you left.” I say in almost a whisper.

“
That’s because I did leave. Jasper convinced me to go back to school once you were out of the woods and stable. He knew I would miss all my final exams and have to take my semester over. He also knew I would lose my scholarship if I forfeited my classes. I didn’t want to leave, but I knew he was right so I went back. If I could do it all over again I never would have left you. That was the biggest mistake of my life Paige.”

“
But then why didn’t you come see me when you came back home?” I ask.

“
Jasper told me how fragile you were and upset. He told me that you didn’t want to see me. So I convinced myself I was doing the best thing for you by staying away and letting you heal.”

“
I… I thought you left me. I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.” I’m crying hard now and its one of those horrible ugly cries that consumes your whole body.

Cutter gets up from the chair and closes the distance between us in one large step. He pulls the back of my head, gently pushing it against his chest holding me there. “Shh…I could never not want you Paige. I have always wanted you.”

I regain some small bit of composure. “I think I always knew you were there. I had dreams that you were there but I just didn’t know they were true.” I tell him honestly.

“
I’m so sorry darling. I’m just so sorry.” He says still clutching me and letting me cry it out.

We stay like that for a long time. It’s cathartic to hear all of his confessions. I know I needed to hear it and I know it will help me move on now. I wish things had been different. I wish I didn’t get in my car and drive off angry. I wish Cutter had stayed with me and never gone back to school, but the hard truth was, he had. Cutter had left and that changed everything. It broke us apart and now he has replaced me with Laney Davis. I can forgive him for everything that happened but I can’t forget that he has a girlfriend. We are over.

CHAPTER 16

I finally pull back from him attempting to put some space between us. I know I look horrible. I can feel my mascara all down my cheeks. I need to get to the bathroom so I can clean up.

“
Paige?” Cutter looks at me as I try to out-wedge myself from him.

“
I need to clean up. I’m a mess.” I tell him.

“
Paige, I know that… Laney and I….”

“
It’s alright, I understand. Things are different now. I appreciate you telling me everything. I want you to know I don’t blame you for my accident, I was responsible for that. I do wish things had turned out differently though but the reality is they didn’t and that’s okay. I’ll be okay.” I push past him and make my way to the bathroom. I can tell he will follow me, he always does.

He stands against the doorframe watching me remove my makeup that has run all down my face. “Paige, it’s not okay.”

“
Yes, it is. I get it, alright? I stayed home to work on getting better and you came back to school to get with Laney. Believe me, I get it!”
Okay, that was totally not how I thought that was going to come out of my mouth. Crap.

Cutter stalks over to where I am in front of the sink and grabs my shoulders spinning me around to face him. “No Paige, you don’t! I don’t want Laney, I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”

His lips crash into mine and I am totally stunned. I don’t kiss him back at first but then all the familiarity of his mouth on mine comes rushing back and I rock forward to lean into his greedy kisses. This must have signaled something to him and he lifts me up and sets me on the countertop, crowding his way in between my legs. I moaned as he does this and I can hear Cutter let out a deep growl. He is kissing me with such frenzy it lights that inevitable fire inside of me. I latch onto the back of his neck and let my fingers roam through his hair. But in the back part of my brain a nagging thought springs forth.
This is how he was with Laney. He made these sounds with Laney.

That is all it takes, my stupid brain ruined it for me. I stop kissing him and scramble backward on the countertop. Cutter looks down at me with hooded eyes but I can see he knows I am uncomfortable.

“
Cutter we can’t. You have a girlfriend, remember?” I try to push myself out from under his hold but I am stuck, still wedged between the countertop and him.

“
I have already told you, we broke up. I don’t want her, I want you.” His eyes gaze at me with concern. He knows we are at a crossroads here and it is completely my choice how this goes.