Love & Hate (Book Two: Love) (23 page)

“
I know. Cooper called me to tell me what happened. I drove to your house but no one was home. I was going to head home but Tess called me and said you were in the hospital. I’m so sorry Paige; she did that because of me. How badly is your back hurt?” He says placing his elbows on the edge of the bed and pulling at the back of his head, preparing for the worst.

“
It’s not my back.” I say barely in a whisper.

“
Then what’s wrong? Please, Paige…”

“
I’m pregnant…or I was pregnant I guess I should say.” I blurt out.

I hear the audible gasp he makes. His head snaps straight up and he looks me in the eyes. He searches my face for the truth.

“
But we were careful.” He utters.

“
Um… we weren’t the night in the shower over Thanksgiving break or the time before that.” I say back to him.

“
Wait…” I know his brain now is picking up the second part of my statement. The part about how I
was
pregnant.

“
I lost the baby.” I close my eyes refusing to look at him. I feel the tears start flowing down my cheeks like a river.

Cutter doesn’t say anything he just listens to me quietly weep over the loss of our unborn child. There is nothing left to say. It is over now. He knows everything and he is free to go. I envy him for that. I will never be free of this or of him. I will carry these scars around with me for the rest of my life. I also know this will make the recovery from back surgery look like a walk in the park.

“
Paige…” He starts.

“
Don’t. There is nothing to say.” I snap.

“
Yes there is.” He says lacing his fingers with mine. “Please Paige look at me.”

I slowly open my eyes and am shocked at what I see. Cutter has tears in his eyes. He has been crying too. My heart breaks seeing him like this.

“
I’m so sorry baby. I am so sorry for all of this. I know I caused this.” He says looking totally broken.

“
I should have told you sooner.” I confess.

“
How long had you known?” He asks me.

“
Two days. I didn’t know how to tell you after everything that happened the night I left Pullman.”

“
Paige I need to explain…”

I cut him off. “There’s no need. It’s over now.” I say.

“
No, you need to know this.” He rakes his hands over his face wiping his tears.

“
When you saw Laney and me in the bar kissing you misunderstood. I had gone to the bar early with some guys from the house. While I was there Laney came in. She got upset and thought I was drinking. I told her I wasn’t and I told her I was actually really happy. I told her how we were back together, but this made her even more upset. She started telling me it wouldn’t last and we were wrong for each other. Then she told me she loved me. That’s when she kissed me out of the blue. I was in shock. I shoved her off me but it was too late, you had already seen us.” He pauses thinking about his next words.

“
I’m sorry I overacted when I saw you hugging Holden in the alley. I know he was trying to comfort you. I only made things worse. After I calmed down I went back to your house to talk to you but you were already gone. I know you got my messages but you never responded. I thought maybe you just needed time to cool off so I was giving you that. Then Jasp told me that you and your family usually leave after Christmas to go to Wyoming. I thought you were gone, but I was counting down the days until you came home. I was going to drive to your house and make you listen to me. I was dying knowing you thought I cheated on you.”

I know I’m crying more now. Not because I’m angry with Cutter but because I’m angry at the situation. Maybe I should question what Cutter is telling me but in my gut I know he is telling the truth. This makes me even sadder because I caused all of this.

“
I’m sorry I lost our baby.” I sob.

Cutter climbs up on the bed next to me cradling me against his warm body. “Oh darling it wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault.”

I lay cradled in his arms until I am no longer have any tears left. Cutter is being incredibly sweet but the truth is we aren’t meant to be. It’s over and I can’t bear it. I know this is going to be the most painful thing that I will ever go through but I have to do it.

“
Cutter…” I start. “Thank you for staying but I think I need to just be alone.”

“
Paige, please let me be here for you.”

“
I can’t Cutter, it’s just too painful. It’s over.” The finality in my words cut me to the core but I hold back my tears.

“
Don’t do this. Don’t run Paige.” He pleads.

“
I’m not running. I know what I’m doing now.” I try to sound resolute.

“
Paige…”

“
Cutter, please just go.” I close my eyes fighting back the tears.

He slides off the bed and starts toward the exit but stops when his hand touches the door knob. I know he is looking at me but I can’t look at him. If I do I will beg him not to leave. I hear him let out a deep sigh and then the door clicks behind him.

The door opens several minutes later.

“
Paige? Honey? Can I come in?” Tess pokes her head in the door. She must have just seen Cutter leave. I shake my head yes and she comes over to sit in the chair next to me.

“
I sent him away.” I sob.

“
I know. I talked to him.” She takes a long pause. “Paige, are you sure you did the right thing? I mean it is clear that boy is in love with you. He is torn up right now.”

“
I can’t do it anymore Tess. My heart can’t take it.”

“
I get that, but do you think it was just all his fault? You can’t exactly blame him for what Cooper did or what Laney did.”

“
No, but I can’t risk it, we are clearly not meant to be.”

“
So what do you want to do?”

“
I just want to go home.”

“
Okay, honey.”

It’s strange to think that my whole life changed in a day, but it did. This morning when I woke up I was pregnant and struggling with coming to grips with it. Now, I have lost my baby and maybe the love of my life. I’m pretty sure this was rock bottom and I had hit it face first.

Tess brought me home last night and I have been locked in my room ever since. I know Lacey and Jasper have come by to check in on me. I don’t know if they know what happened but I wasn’t going to tell them. Maybe Cutter told Jasper. Tess has thankfully kept everyone away from my room, until now.

I hear the doorbell and voices coming down the hall.

“
Paige? You have a visitor.” She says standing inside the doorway to my room.

“
Tell them to go away.” I snap at her.

“
I’m not going to do that today. Look I get you didn’t want me to call your parents but I’m struggling here. I don’t know how to help you. Maybe he will help you.” She turns and leaves.
Who is he? Please don’t be Cutter.

“
Hi Paige.” Cooper says coming up beside my bed. I watch as his freckled face comes into focus next to me. I can see now the resemblance he has to his Mother. Although, I hate to admit it Cooper has her glowing beautiful skin. He is dressed in farm coveralls and beaten up baseball cap; clearly he came straight from the farm.
Well it’s official, I’m in Hell.

“
What do you want Cooper? Kick me while I’m down?”

“
No. I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now, but for what it’s worth I’m sorry for how I have treated you.” He lets out a deep breath. “I came here because of Cutter.”

“
Did he send you?”

“
No. He would probably kill me for being here.” I watch him fidget in front of me. “He is a wreck Paige. He is gutted about what happened. I have never seen him this way before and truthfully I’m worried about him.”

“
He told you?” I don’t know why that is so important but I wanted to know.

“
Yeah, he told me about the baby. I’m sorry Paige. For what it’s worth I scared the hell out of Laney. I told her you were going to press charges against her.”

“
I’m not going to do that.” Tess had offered the same thing but I didn’t want to deal with everyone knowing I was pregnant.

“
I know, but she deserves at least that.” He pauses and shoves his hands deep into his pockets. “He loves you Paige. He needs you. You need each other right now.”

“
We aren’t good together. Bad things happen when we are together. I think we were meant to hate each other for a reason.”

“
I’m begging you Paige, please see him.” Cooper pleads.

“
I’m sorry I can’t help you.” I stare past him out my giant window.

Cooper sighs and I hear him exit my room.
I’m sorry Cutter. I just can’t save you and myself.

CHAPTER 24

I don’t know how long I have been in my room. It could have been days or weeks. I haven’t been showering and I certainly refuse to eat. Tess comes in my room less frequently now. I know she is still in the house though because I can hear her once in a while. I mainly just sleep but the hours that I am awake, I daydream. I have been having a reoccurring one that Cutter and I are together and we have our baby. It’s a little boy. He looks just like Cutter with his blue eyes and dark tan skin. Everything is perfect in my daydream, but then I remember that it’s not reality and the pain returns.

“
Paige! You need to come quick something is wrong with The Biz.” Tess screams as she flings open my door.

I pull my head up off the pillow, looking at Tess. “What?”

“
Lacey called me. She is down in the barn and said that The Biz is sick and won’t get up.”

My heart goes into overdrive. I fling back the covers and throw on a sweatshirt. I think I’m still in my pajamas but I don’t really care. I race down to the barn.

When I get to The Biz’s stall Lacey and Alejandro are in with him. He is lying on his side and breathing heavy.

“
Is it colic?” I ask, scared to hear the answer. Colic in horses can be deadly. It is when they have extreme abdominal pain. It can be brought on by a number of factors. Sometimes it is from bad feed or it can be from them rolling and twisting their gut.

“
No. We don’t know. I sent for Dr. Collins.” Lacey tells me while holding The Biz’s head.

I make my way into the stall and kneel down by his head. I listen to his breathing, it is uneven. “Do you think we should try to get him up?”

“
No I don’t think we should disturb him. He is fighting something and he may need his energy for that.” Alejandro says while listening to the horse’s chest.

“
What can I do?” Tess comes running down the barn aisle.

“
Stay out front and show Dr. Collins where we are.” I say to Tess and she jogs off to wait outside.

“
Lace…” I say tears in my eyes.

“
I know Paige, I know. Don’t panic yet.” She continues to stroke The Biz’s mane. I stroke his face gently watching his big eyes struggle to stay open.
God is clearly punishing me for something.