Losing Faith (20 page)

“You okay?”

Abel heard Cullen’s voice somewhere in the distance, but for some reason his tongue and lips just wouldn’t come together to form a response.

“Abel? Do you want me to stop?”

Sounding closer now, Abel heard the concern in Cullen’s voice and somehow forced his tongue to cooperate with his brain. “No, I’m good. Better than… actually… great.” He knew his words were fractured, but it was the best he could do.

Abel flinched and tensed for a second when he felt a slight pinching sensation as Cullen stretched him open, obviously slipping a second finger inside him. The sensation was odd and a little uncomfortable, but not at all bad. He relaxed and his body adjusted rather quickly to the intrusion.

Cullen worked his fingers in and out of Abel in a slow, steady rhythm that sent surges of pleasure up and down Abel’s spine. The more Cullen moved his fingers, the more relaxed Abel became, his body naturally compensating. Abel was a mindless mass of male flesh, and he was enjoying every minute of it.

“You ready?” Cullen asked.

Abel nodded but didn’t speak. He heard the familiar sound of the flip top and opened his eyes to see Cullen coating his own length in long, slow strokes. That sight was almost enough to send him over the edge before they even got started, so he closed his eyes again tightly and tried not to imagine what Cullen was doing.

The next time Abel opened his eyes, Cullen was positioning himself, and Abel felt the head of Cullen’s length pressing against him, skin smooth against Abel’s slicked opening. Abel tightened his grip on his ankles and did his best to relax.

You want this, Abel. Relax!

Cullen pushed slowly, purposefully, inside Abel’s body, and Abel cried out as though Cullen had pierced his heart. The pain. The pinching. The stretching. All seemed unbearable for a short second, but Cullen never took his eyes off Abel, and it was what Abel needed. To see his face. To hold their connection.

Then Cullen stopped and gave Abel time to adjust, and Abel felt himself slowly relaxing around Cullen’s girth. Cullen supported Abel’s legs now, and Abel let go of his ankles, bringing one hand instinctively to his erection and the other to Cullen’s thigh.

Abel stroked himself, an act that began to turn the discomfort into something else. Not pleasure yet, but not quite pain either. When Cullen started to move again, Abel was ready. Cullen slowly pushed in farther and farther until Abel felt the slight tickling of Cullen’s crotch hair against his balls.

The pain was definitely subsiding and being replaced with a feeling of fullness. Odd and unfamiliar, but not altogether unpleasant. Cullen retreated, pulling out slowly, and when he slid against Abel’s prostate again, Abel cried out, “God in heaven.” When Cullen pushed in again, what was left of the pain turned to instant pleasure. Every nerve ending in Abel’s body was on fire. His pulse was racing and his heart was pumping at breakneck speed. Every time Cullen pulled out and drove back into him, Abel felt sweetly and thoroughly penetrated. His moans were now flowing freely, and the sounds emanating from his own body seemed foreign and completely out of his control.

It was almost as though Cullen had turned Abel’s skin inside out and was lightly teasing every one of his nerve endings simultaneously. Abel felt his orgasm forming from deep within. His balls tightened, and he stroked himself in time with Cullen’s thrusts.

“Cullen! I’m so close.”

“It’s okay, Abel. I’m right behind you.”

Abel locked eyes with Cullen as the man steadily pounded into him. He continued to stroke his length, bringing on the spasms that would lead to his gut-wrenching release.

Surfing on the first wave of his orgasm, Abel cried out as pearls of white liquid covered his neck and chest. Abel pumped harder as his body convulsed, the remaining waves dotting his torso from his pectorals down to his belly button. He milked himself until he was completely empty.

“Abel!” Cullen moaned as he pumped frantically.

Abel watched Cullen through a haze of ecstasy as his lover convulsed and muttered incoherently until his thrusts finally slowed and he sighed in the aftermath of his orgasm and collapsed on top of Abel.

They lay there breathless, wrapped in each other’s arms. Abel was pulsating with a feeling so new he couldn’t really understand it. He realized he was no longer the man he had been a few days ago, or even a few hours ago. He felt so alive and so filled with a warm light he imagined he must be glowing.

And then in a split second, doubt worked its way into Abel’s brain. He quickly identified the familiar feeling teetering just beyond his grasp.
Fear.
In an instant he questioned whether Cullen could ever really be his. Cullen seemed to belong wholeheartedly to Cole. Abel had known this after that first dinner when Cullen had broken down and told him about Cole.

If God had truly sent Cullen to him, why would he take him away again? At that moment Abel understood a little about what Cullen had been going through losing Cole.

Abel had no doubt in his mind now that Cullen would eventually leave him. His life and his business were in New England, and Cullen had given no indication he would ask Abel to join him. That was a reality Abel would have to get used to. He knew he wasn’t strong enough to leave Cullen, so he had no other choice but to enjoy the ride until it ended.

Just keep your feelings in check. That’s all you can do.

He tightened his grip on Cullen as tears threatened to spill from his tortured eyes.

“Was that okay?” Cullen’s voice penetrated his thoughts.

“Amaz—” Abel’s voice cracked. He swallowed hard. “That was amazing.”

“You were amazing,” Cullen said. “The way you moaned when I moved inside of you. You were driving me mad with desire.”

Cullen climbed out of bed and came back with a warm wet towel. Abel allowed Cullen to clean him from his chin down to his nether regions and then watched as Cullen tossed the towel back into the head.

Abel rolled onto his side, and Cullen pulled him back against his chest, trailing little kisses across Abel’s back and shoulders. “Thank you.”

Abel sighed. “Because of you I’m a different man. I will never forget you, Cullen.”

Cullen wrapped his arm around Abel’s waist and pulled him even closer. Abel dissolved into him, wanting to stay there forever.

I love you, Cullen Kiley.

CULLEN LAY
awake long after Abel had drifted off to sleep. His arms were still securely wrapped around Abel, and Abel was breathing calmly and rhythmically.

There were so many emotions coursing through Cullen. He thought about Cole. He knew Cole would want him to be happy. He would have wanted the same for Cole if their positions had been reversed. Except Cole wouldn’t have been so stupid and pigheaded about it.

And then there was Abel. Cullen was surprisingly okay with what he and Abel had done earlier. No flashbacks of Cole had entered his head. He hadn’t screamed Cole’s name when his release seemed imminent. What did that say?

His eyes had locked on to Abel’s, and they hadn’t wandered. He was right there with Abel. Feeling his emotions, sensing his wants and needs. They had been perfectly in tune with each other. How could all of this happen in less than a week? And something Abel had said right before he drifted off to sleep rang through Cullen’s head. “Because of you I’m a different man. I will never forget you, Cullen.”

What did Abel mean by that?

A COUPLE
of weeks had gone by, and Cullen and Abel had settled into something almost resembling a relationship. Every hour that Abel wasn’t working, they spent together. Abel had seemed distant at times, something Cullen couldn’t quite put his finger on, but the distance seemed to disappear just as quickly as it came. Maybe Abel was just getting used to his new life and Cullen.

It was Sunday morning, and Cullen was sitting alone on the flybridge finishing his third cup of coffee. Abel had left just under an hour ago, claiming he needed to put the finishing touches on his sermon. He was in the pulpit this morning as Pastor Williams was away on church business. Abel had asked him to attend the service, and not wanting to disappoint Abel, he’d reluctantly agreed. But Cullen had to admit he was as jittery as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

This was the first time he would be in church for an actual service since Cole’s memorial mass. Yeah, he’d stopped in at Abel’s church as a last resort when he was so worried about him, and the experience had been a bittersweet one, but that was just him and his thoughts. Now he would have to listen to God’s word, and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that. Abel had asked very little of him during their time together, and so he’d promised.

Just before the service started, Cullen slipped into the church and took a seat in the last row on the end—close to a door in case he needed to escape. He looked around nervously and locked eyes with Abel, who was sitting off to the side of the pulpit with his Bible in his hand. Abel flashed a crooked smile, obviously very aware of why Cullen had chosen that particular seat, and Cullen smirked and then smiled broadly.

Cullen felt himself relax a little when the music started. Music always had that effect on him, but this music wasn’t at all like his church—his former church—where the organ blared as the procession made its way down the aisle. This was less pageantry and had more of a celebratory feel to it. When the song ended, Abel took the pulpit and welcomed everyone, regulars and visitors alike, glancing at Cullen a time or two. When he got into his sermon, Cullen was not surprised to see that Abel was a natural in the pulpit. He was sincere, which was the most important thing, but he was also commanding and soft-spoken at the right times. His sermon today focused on the death of Jesus. He talked about how much of an injustice it had been, but that according to the Bible, it also happened according to the plan and purpose of God. Abel examined the Crucifixion in light of the doctrine of providence from the perspective of God, Jesus, and the human participants. He preached that although the Crucifixion was a mystery we cannot fully understand, the injustice of the Crucifixion accomplished God’s plan from eternity to demonstrate the breadth of his love by redeeming sinners.

Cullen thoroughly enjoyed the sermon, but he couldn’t help but think Abel had preached it partly on his behalf because of the way he felt about God taking Cole from him. And if the truth be told, his defenses were starting to crumble, little by little. Sitting in this strange church, listening to another man preach, Cullen realized how much he missed the fellowship of the church. Everyone here was different in some way, but they were all there for one reason: to worship. And that made their differences fade away, at least for one hour on a Sunday morning. Cullen also sensed that he missed his relationship with God, but that was a little harder to admit to himself right now.

After the service, while Cullen was waiting for Abel on the steps of the church, Agnes Williams approached him.

Abel had warned him that she’d been her normal busybody self, quizzing him about his and Cullen’s friendship, how they knew each other, and specifically about Cullen and his church, so Cullen had been on guard.

“Good morning,
Reverend
,” she’d said in a haughty tone. “How nice to see you supporting your seminary mate Pastor Weston.”

“Oh, we were never seminary mates. And good morning to you as well,
Mrs
. Williams.”

“But you said—”

“What I said was a mutual friend from the seminary told me Abel was assigned here, so I looked him up when I was passing through.”

“Oh, silly me,” she said. “I must have misunderstood. You’ve been in Southport… what? A couple of weeks now? I imagine you’re probably thinking of moving on soon.”

“Not really. I like Southport, and I’m on no schedule, so I have all the time in the world.”

“Tell me, Reverend, how
does
an Episcopal priest get so much time off?”

“I’m on leave at the moment,” Cullen said without missing a beat. “I live in a seasonal town with very few parishioners in the winter months, so the church assigns an interim priest so I can have the winter off.”

“How nice. At any rate, I’m a little surprised to see you here.”

“Oh? Why is that?”

Agnes chuckled. “Come on, Reverend, it’s no secret the Southern Baptists think very differently from the Episcopalians.”

“That’s very true.” Cullen dipped his head and picked at something on the steps with the toe of his shoe. When he looked back up, Agnes was glaring at him.

“But we all have one thing in common. Don’t we?” he said.

“I suppose that’s true. But—”

“You ready?” Abel yelled, cutting Agnes off and bouncing down the church steps.

“I am,” Cullen said. “Good to see you again,
Mrs
. Williams.”

“Same here,
Reverend
.”

WHEN THE
two men reached the sidewalk and crossed the street, Abel stopped and looked back. Agnes was still standing on the steps watching them, one arm crossed over her large bosoms, a finger on her chin, and her head cocked to one side. She waved, and he waved back before he turned and they started walking.

“I swear that woman is two Corinthians short of a Bible and the nosiest thing I’ve ever seen,” Abel said, picking up his pace. “Was she pumping you for information?”

“Yeah.”

Cullen related their conversation to Abel.

“Something about her rubs me the wrong way,” Cullen said. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’d watch out for her if I were you.”

“I will. Hey, how did you like my sermon?”

“It was great. You’re a natural in the pulpit.”

“Really? I’m always a little unsure of myself and my sermons. They seem old and boring.” Abel paused. “I would love to make them more relevant to today. You know? Something young people can identify with, or something that brings the message in a way that makes more sense today.”