Losing Faith (18 page)

Cullen froze and looked up at Abel.
Damn! I knew this was too soon.

Abel must have seen the panic written all over Cullen’s face. “No, Cullen. It’s not that. It’s so good, I’m about to come. I want to taste you. I want to experience it all.”

Cullen expelled a sigh of relief as Abel reached down, hooked his hands under Cullen’s arms, and pulled him up to him. “Kiss me, please.”

Cullen obliged as their cocks rubbed up and down, coming dangerously close to spewing his load all over Abel’s stomach. Way too soon.

Luckily Abel had other ideas. Abel kicked the rest of the way out of his underwear, and Cullen saw them fly across the room as Abel rolled him over onto his back. But instead of gently kissing his way down Cullen’s torso like Cullen had done to him, Abel went straight for Cullen’s underwear, pulling them off and diving face first into Cullen’s crotch.
So much for foreplay.

But what Abel lacked in subtlety, he more than made up for with his ability to work Cullen’s length. Abel apparently had no gag reflex, and he took Cullen all the way to the back of his throat, held him there as long as he could hold his breath, and then slid back up and used his tongue to circle Cullen’s sensitive head.

“Are you sure this is the first time you’ve done this?” Cullen gasped.

Abel let Cullen slip from his mouth and peered up at him. He smiled. “I promise. I may or may not have seen a porn video or two in some weak moments, but that’s the extent of my training.”

“Boy! You sure are a quick study—and an eager beaver.”

“Thank you. I’ve waited a long time for this. Now are you gonna do a running commentary, or are you gonna lie back, enjoy, and allow me to explore and experience?”

“Sorry.” Cullen rested his head back, closed his eyes, and enjoyed the attention Abel was bestowing on him. It had been so long since he’d felt the warmth of another, had the desire to be close to anyone, and he kept waiting for the guilt to come, but so far it hadn’t.

Cullen gasped when he felt Abel’s tongue run around his sac and under his balls, dip a little lower, and then come back up again. Apparently following Cullen’s lead, Abel lifted Cullen’s legs over his head, and Cullen grabbed them and held them in place. Abel spread Cullen’s cheeks and ran his tongue quickly over Cullen’s opening. He did it again, and this time it lingered. He circled, licked, probed, and then licked again. He sucked on Cullen’s balls, jostled them around in his mouth, tugged on them, and then let them slide out. Abel lowered Cullen’s legs and again went down on Cullen.

Cullen was getting close, and he wanted to come with Abel, so he shifted around, and Abel released him. “Can I show you something?”

“Sure.”

“It’s called sixty-nine.” Cullen slid down the bed a little. “Now turn around so your feet are at the head of the bed and give me access to you.”

Abel moved, adjusted, and readjusted until his length was aligned perfectly with Cullen’s face. In return Cullen was right where he needed to be. Both men took the other in, and within seconds they were in a rhythm that was blowing Cullen’s mind. Abel was a natural, and at this rate, Cullen wasn’t going to last very long.

Cullen must have been doing okay because Abel said something that sounded like, “I’m gonna come,” and then moaned loudly, and his entire body stiffened. Feeling Abel’s warm blasts shooting down his throat pushed Cullen over the edge as well. He felt himself release, spurt after spurt, and to Abel’s credit, he didn’t gag or choke but swallowed every drop and milked Cullen’s cock until there was nothing left but a very sensitive head.

After bleeding Abel dry as well, Cullen pulled Abel up to him and kissed him deeply, trying to convey all the passion he was feeling for the first time in so long. For Abel.

When they came up for air, Abel said. “I can taste myself on your tongue. That is so hot.”

Cullen chuckled.

“Thank you,” Abel went on. “My first time was everything I hoped it would be. That is, once I allowed myself to think there might be a first time.”

Abel laid his head on Cullen’s chest and began tracing that line of hair like he’d done the night before, but this time he was able to follow it all the way down to Cullen’s groin and back up again. Cullen didn’t understand the fascination, but he relaxed and enjoyed the sensation.

They lay in silence for the longest time, Cullen listening to Abel’s breathing and bracing himself for the guilt that was surely to follow. But so far it hadn’t come. He’d had sex with Abel, and the earth hadn’t opened up and swallowed him whole.
Abel may have, but the earth hasn’t.
And he wasn’t an emotional wreck.

Yes, he was experiencing emotions. But none that made him want to jump up, grab his clothes, and bolt down the stairs naked. He was content lying here with Abel in his arms, and that alarmed him a little.

When the guilt finally worked its way into Cullen’s head, he was prepared for it. The problem was he’d prepared for the wrong kind of guilt. He wasn’t feeling guilty because he’d had sex with Abel. He was feeling guilty because he
didn’t
feel guilty.
Cullen! You’re a severely screwed-up lad.

As Cullen’s mind processed his emotions one by one, he realized it wasn’t moving on without Cole that had wrecked and exhausted him so badly, it was the battle he’d waged against doing just that. He’d fought so long and so hard to hold on, it had become his private war. He’d come to Southport to try and rejuvenate his memories of Cole. That much he’d admitted. But what he hadn’t asked himself was, why should he have to?
Could it be you’ve already subconsciously let go of Cole? That it was happening little by little with each passing day, and somehow you knew it? And that’s what terrified you so much?

The more Cullen contemplated this new possibility, the truer and more real it felt deep in his soul. He’d not been able to consciously grieve for Cole. That was a fact. But was it possible his subconscious had taken over and started the grieving process for him? Had Cole been slipping away from him all along, but he hadn’t allowed himself to feel it happening?

Jesus, Cullen! How could you be so dense when it comes to your own life? You’ve been trained for this.

Cullen thought about his dreams. He would have loved to believe that they had everything to do with Cole and God bringing him and Abel together. And at one time he would have been open enough to allow that thought to resonate. Only now the more likely scenario was that the dreams had everything to do with him trying to justify and process what had already subconsciously happened. In Cullen’s mind, he heard the clicking of the locks as the shackles at his wrists and ankles released. He felt light enough to rise off of the bed and float away.

He sighed heavily.
I think I’m gonna be all right.

“You okay?” Abel asked, interrupting his thoughts.

“Surprisingly I am. I’m still processing it all, but yeah, I think I’m okay. You?”

“I’m better than okay. There’s just….” Abel’s voice trailed off.

“There’s just what?”

“Next time—and I’m not assuming that there’s gonna be a next time—but if I’m lucky enough to have a next time with you, I want to do more.”

“More?” Cullen asked, pretty sure he knew what Abel meant. But he was going to make the newbie work for it.

“You know… more.”

“No. I don’t know.”

“Anal,” Abel whispered like it was a bad word or something.

“Oh, anal!
That
more,” Cullen said out loud.

Abel slapped him on the chest. “Now you’re just teasing me.”

“I am,” Cullen admitted. “And it’s kinda fun.”

Which promptly earned him another slap.

“Okay. Okay. Anal it is. Next time.”

“Yes!” Abel pumped his fist in the air. “So there
is
going to be a next time.”

“Who am I to deny you some good anal loving if you want it so badly?”

“Thanks. I think.”

“You’re welcome. You know my mother always said it was the quiet ones who were the kinkiest.”

Cullen looked down at Abel’s face, and it was blood red, but he hadn’t denied it.

“I guess we’re not going to make it to the gym. Are we?”

“You complaining?” Abel asked, a lighthearted tone in his voice.

“No complaints from me. Not right now anyway.”

“I’m not going to ask you to talk to me about what you’re feeling, but if you want to, I’m here.”

“Thanks,” Cullen said. Meaning it. “When I know what I’m feeling, you’ll be the first to know.”

“That’s all I can ask for,” Abel said, squeezing Cullen’s torso.

“Do you have a bathing suit?” Cullen asked.

“Yeah. Why?”

“What do you say we pick up lunch and go to the boat and get some sun? We won’t have many days like this before winter sets in.”

“Sure.”

ABEL CRUMPLED
the wrapper from his chicken sandwich into a ball, stuck it under his sun pad, and downed the last of his soda. “That hit the spot. Man, I was starved.”

Cullen laughed. “I think you were starved for more than just lunch.”

“I do believe you are right, sir. And luckily both of my appetites have been sated. For now, anyway.”

Abel leaned over and rested his elbow on Cullen’s sun pad. “Who knew one could work up such an appetite just by having sex.”

Cullen raised his hand. “I did.”

They had picked up sandwiches from the Yacht Basin Provision Company, went straight to the boat, put on their suits, slathered on sunscreen, and took their lunch out onto the bow.

Abel slid his shades down over his eyes, leaned back, and linked his hands behind his head. It was about three thirty, and the sun was still bright and warm and felt great. Abel felt great. Alive for the first time in his life. And he had Cullen to thank for that. He could only liken the experience to being starved for thirty years and then being offered a smorgasbord of one’s favorite foods.

Cullen had been sweet, attentive, and most of all, patient with him, taking the time to show him things he’d never experienced. But that hadn’t surprised him at all. What had surprised him most about the entire experience was how naturally it had come to him and how natural it all felt.

He hadn’t lied when he’d told Cullen he’d only seen a couple of porn videos. The rest he’d done purely on instinct, and it had been the best experience of his life. But what had stayed with him the longest was Cullen’s unique scent. Burying his face in Cullen’s crotch had introduced him to a distinctive musky and extremely manly scent that had been pure heaven flowing through his nostrils and had driven him wild with desire at the same time.

Oh my God. And the sweetness of Cullen’s butt. He couldn’t believe he was thinking about this, but Cullen’s butt was the hottest damn thing he’d ever seen. With the exception of Cullen’s beautiful penis.
You can say dick in your head, Abel.
You’re not in the pulpit.
Yeah. Beautiful dick.

No, Abel. Don’t get distracted. Back to Cullen’s butt.
He’d heard people use the term “smelling like ass” to describe a nasty smell, but apparently those people hadn’t smelled Cullen’s ass. It was clean and tasted absolutely sweet. He then wondered if his tasted as sweet.

And his orgasm. Jesus! He’d felt it building from deep within his gut, and when it descended upon him, he couldn’t hold back his moans of pleasure as multitudes of colors exploded behind his eyes. And then there was the cuddling afterward. Being in Cullen’s arms after they’d shared such an emotional and physical experience had been the most comfortable he’d felt in his life.

He remembered listening to Cullen’s heart beating, a little fast at first and then settling into a steady and calming rhythm that had almost lulled Abel into slumber. But then he’d heard Cullen sigh, and the sound had concerned him. He’d known Cullen would probably regret what they’d done, and he’d tried as best he could to prepare himself for the rejection, but so far it hadn’t come. Cullen seemed okay. Maybe he’d had some sort of emotional breakthrough when it came to Cole. But only time would tell.

Abel had secretly thought about New England when Cullen had mentioned it as a possible place to live. He wondered what it would be like to live there with Cullen. That was stupid, right? They’d just met. But maybe if Cullen spent the winter here with him and something worked out between them, it could happen.

But for that to work, Abel would have to keep his job and live in the closet for another six months. Could he do that? In actuality if he wanted to be with Cullen, he really had no choice. If he quit the church now, he would be forced to move away, and since it was way too soon to even think about anything lasting with Cullen, he would probably never see him again. But something or someone had brought Cullen into his life for a reason, and he didn’t think he could give him up that easily.
Time, Abel. Give this some time. You’ve lived in the closet all these years; six more months won’t kill you. Besides, you’ll still have Cullen, albeit behind closed doors. But at least he’ll be in your life.

“You’re awfully quiet over there.”

“Just basking in the afterglow,” Abel teased.

Cullen leaned up on one elbow. “I don’t know if it’s me or the sun, but you are sort of glowing.”

“Oh no, Cul. The sun can take no credit for any of this.”

Cullen’s expression suddenly changed, and Abel couldn’t quite get a read on it.

“I’m sorry. Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” Cullen said through a sigh. “It’s just… well. Cul is what Cole used to sometimes call me. Hearing it after so long took me by surprise. That’s all.”

Damn! Everything was going so well, and I have to go and blow it.
“I’m so sorry,” Abel said. “It just came out. I won’t make that mistake again, I promise.”

Cullen reached over and laid a hand on Abel’s forearm. “It’s okay. You didn’t know. And truth be told, in a weird sort of way, it sounded good to my ears.”

Abel breathed a sigh of relief. He laid his hand on top of Cullen’s. “I really am sorry.”