Losing Faith (15 page)

Cullen realized he was suddenly struggling with a decision. Stay with Abel or go with Cole. To be with Cole again was all Cullen had wanted, dreamed of, since Cole’s passing, and now the fact that he was even considering staying with Abel confused him deeply.

Cole led Cullen to Abel, released Cullen’s hand, and joined it with Abel’s. The minute his and Abel’s hands touched, the storm quieted and the stars appeared shining brightly in the indigo night sky.

“No,” Cullen whispered.

Cole looked at them both, and his expression conveyed nothing but love, peace, and happiness. “We shared a lifetime,” Cole said as all their years of happiness again flashed behind Cullen’s eyes. “It’s time for us both to move on.”

Cullen quickly realized the decision to go or stay had never really been his. Cole hadn’t come to take him away; he’d come to make sure he and Abel found their way to each other.

Cole turned and started walking away. When Cullen called out to him, Cole stopped and looked over his shoulder. His smile was angelic, and although Cullen didn’t see Cole’s mouth move, he heard Cole’s voice very clearly in his head. “Be happy, my love.”

Cullen watched the man he so desperately loved slowly walk away from him. As Cole moved farther and farther away, a warm light began to encircle him. Cullen’s heart broke in two as Cole looked back one more time, smiled, and then simply faded away.

The moment Cole disappeared, the pain in Cullen’s aching heart was replaced with hope and promise. Cullen looked at Abel, and suddenly it all made sense.

ABEL WOKE
slowly. The tight grip of slumber just didn’t seem ready to release him, and he decided he was okay with that. Most mornings, probably as a result of living in so many different foster homes, he woke very disoriented. But this morning he knew exactly where he was: safe, warm, and comfortable in Cullen’s bed. Abel unconsciously reached over for Cullen, and when he felt only cool sheets, he quickly opened his eyes and scanned the room. Cullen was nowhere in sight. Abel rolled over onto his back, listened closely, and sighed with relief when he heard the faint sounds of pots and pans and Cullen moving around elsewhere in the boat, probably the kitchen.
No, Abel. Galley. Not kitchen.

Abel rolled over onto his side, nuzzled back into the warm bedding, and buried his head in Cullen’s pillow. He inhaled deeply, and Cullen’s scent filled his nostrils.

Closing his eyes, Abel remembered the extraordinary feeling he’d had last night of falling asleep in someone’s arms for the first time ever. For over an hour, he’d rubbed Cullen’s chest and abdomen, lightly tracing the little line of hair that led down to his navel, curved into a circle and then continued farther, hinting at what was below, before disappearing into Cullen’s underwear. For some reason, he’d thought if he’d stopped touching and caressing Cullen, it might all turn out to be a dream, and when he woke, he’d be alone again. But he’d woken up several times during the night, and Cullen had still been there, holding him. He’d simply tightened his grip on Cullen and fallen immediately back to sleep.

Suddenly the aroma of bacon drifted into the cabin, and Abel’s nose perked up. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten, and he was starved. He decided he would join Cullen and see if he could help. Pulling the covers back to get up, he heard Cullen’s voice.

“No, sir. Back in bed.”

Abel looked up to find Cullen standing in the doorway, smiling and holding a tray of breakfast.

“I thought I might help with breakfast.”

Cullen walked into the room. “Got it all under control.”

After putting the tray on the end of the bed, Cullen fluffed Abel’s pillow. “Now lean back and let me do something nice for you.” Cullen placed the tray in front of Abel. “I hope you like your eggs over easy?”

“Any way is fine by me. But what about you?”

Cullen turned. “I’ll be right back.”

Minutes later Cullen returned with another tray loaded with more breakfast. Abel lifted the covers, and Cullen climbed back into bed and rested the tray on his lap.

“This was really nice of you,” Abel said.

“Please tell me you’ve had breakfast in bed before?” Cullen asked with an expression of hope plastered on his face.

“Yep. Once. When I was in the hospital getting my appendix removed, they brought me breakfast in bed. But I can guarantee it wasn’t as good as this is going to be.”

“Oh jeez, Abel. What am I going to do with you?”

Abel wanted to say, “You can do anything you want to me as long as you don’t leave me.” But of course he bit his tongue. He’d stopped asking for such foolishness a long time ago.
People leave, Abel. Or they send you away. That’s just what they do.

Abel couldn’t help but recall one of his earliest childhood memories of clinging to a woman he’d thought was his mother when he was once again being reassigned in the foster care system.

Cullen interrupted his musings. “A penny for your thoughts.”

“I don’t think you realize what you’re asking,” Abel replied. “There’s a lot of crazy in this head.”

Cullen put his fork down and took Abel’s hand. “You looked like you were miles away and had the saddest expression on your face. If you don’t want to share, I understand.”

Abel bit his bottom lip, trying to decide what to tell Cullen. He didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want Cullen thinking he was some sort of whiny baby.
Poor, poor me. I’ve had such a bad life.

In the end he decided on the truth. The truth was, he’d had a shitty life. He wasn’t whining about it. It was just a fact. He sighed. “I was just remembering how hard it was to understand why I didn’t have a family of my own. Or why I kept going from one home to another. I’d always try to be good and do everything asked of me, but something always happened, and when it did, I was the first thing to go.”

Cullen was silent for a while, like he was processing what Abel had said, and then he squeezed Abel’s hand. “I can’t imagine what that must have been like. Can I ask what triggered that memory?”

Abel looked away.
Now I’m really screwed.
But again Abel didn’t want to lie. “You’re gonna think it’s ridiculous, and I’m embarrassed to tell you, but I can’t lie.”

“Why don’t you let me decide if it’s ridiculous or not.”

“If you insist,” Abel said. He hesitated.

“Well?”

“Man, you are a tenacious one.”

“I’m still waiting.”

Abel swallowed hard. “Okay. A minute ago when you teasingly asked what you were gonna do with me? My first thought was to say you can do anything you want to me—but just don’t leave. I’m sorry, it was a gut reaction. In my world leaving is what people have always done, but I knew it wasn’t fair to ask that of you, so I didn’t say anything. And then some old childhood wounds started to resurface.”

Cullen didn’t respond, and Abel mentally kicked himself.

“See, I told you it was crazy.” Anything to break the silence.

Cullen turned to face him. “First of all it’s not ridiculous. And secondly you are right. It’s not fair to ask that of me. And even if you did, I can’t in good conscience make a promise I’m not sure I can keep. You know better than anyone that I’m struggling with my own demons.”

“I know,” Abel whispered. “I should have just kept my mouth shut.”

Cullen held up a finger. “But what I can promise is that as long as I’m here, I’ll do everything to get you through this rough patch.”

Abel laughed. “Rough patch?”

“Yeah. Rough patch,” Cullen said. “Abel. This uncertainty and fear isn’t going to last forever. You’re gonna be a great homosexual in no time at all.”

Cullen’s voice was warm. There was a smile hiding behind his comforting words, mixed with a little amusement, and it warmed Abel.

“I’ll just have to take your word for it.”

“THAT HIT
the spot.” Abel folded his napkin and placed it on his breakfast tray. He slid the tray down to his feet and pulled the covers back. “I’ll do the dishes.”

“Nope.” Cullen held up his tray, swung his feet to the side of the bed, and stood. “I made the mess, I’ll clean the dishes.”

“Then we’ll do them together.” Abel stood too, not taking no for an answer.

“Okay, you win, but it’s gonna be a tight squeeze in the small galley.”

“I’m a foster kid, remember?” Abel laughed, following Cullen up the stairs to the galley. “I’m used to tight spaces. Hey! Once my bedroom consisted of simply a mattress in a closet.”

“Seriously?” Cullen asked. “Didn’t they have social workers that checked up on this sort of thing?”

“Absolutely. But they were all spread too thin, and when they finally got around to checking in on me, they saw where I was sleeping, and off I went to a new home. But at least I had a space of my own.” Abel stopped when he realized what he’d said. “Man, I was even in the closet as a kid.”

Cullen chuckled as they worked together effortlessly in the small space. When Cullen zigged, Abel zagged, and vice versa, each man dancing around the other.

Cullen threw a dishtowel over his shoulder and rested his hands on his hips. “You’re pretty good at the galley dance. As I said before, Cole was the only other person who could pull it off.”

“Thank you. I’ll take that as a compliment. At least I’m in good company.”

“Ya know,” Cullen said, “that’s the first time I’ve mentioned Cole and not felt a stab of loneliness and pain.”

Abel smiled. “Maybe we’re both making progress.”

“I think so,” Cullen said. “Hey! How about a run?”

Abel turned quickly in the little space, and the two men ended up face-to-face, chest touching chest. Crotch against crotch. Their eyes locked as they held each other’s gaze. Abel was instantly lost in Cullen’s beautiful blue eyes, and Cullen seemed to be lost in his. Abel raised his hands, cupped Cullen’s face, and pressed his lips to Cullen’s. The comfort with which he did it surprised him.

Not only did Cullen not pull away, he gripped Abel by the waist and pulled him closer. Abel took that as encouragement and timidly pushed his tongue inside Cullen’s mouth. Cullen was warm, and he tasted of eggs and coffee, and it was overwhelmingly divine. Cullen gripped the back of Abel’s neck with one hand, and the simple touch made Abel realize he was very hungry for something more. Something he’d never experienced. He knew then he wanted Cullen, no two ways about it.

But an internal struggle had started to manifest itself. Abel now knew what he wanted, but he also knew Cullen was still struggling with Cole’s death. He needed to slow this down or Cullen was going to freak. Abel was about to retreat when Cullen beat him to it.

“No. I can’t,” Cullen said breathlessly into Abel’s mouth, but to Abel’s surprise, Cullen didn’t release his hold on him. “I… it’s not you. I’m screwed up, Abel. Until I met you, being miserable and alone had become an accepted way of life for me.”

“And now?” Abel asked cautiously.

Cullen looked down and then looked back up to meet Abel’s gaze. “It’s like… I’m on this emotional rollercoaster. There’s you. There’s Cole’s memory. And there’s all the ups and downs that go with both. I just need more time to figure this all out. Okay?”

Abel rested his forehead against Cullen’s and closed his eyes. “Okay.”

Gently, Abel stroked Cullen’s back, trying to comfort him in any way he could, and when Abel opened his eyes again, Cullen was staring back at him with an expression of absolute confusion. It broke Abel’s heart to see Cullen so confused and in so much pain.

Abel took a deep breath and spoke slowly, willing his voice to sound steady and sure. “I really like you, Cullen, and although I know you’re still struggling with your memories of Cole, I just want you to know I want you, if and when you are ever ready. No pressure, and I’ll let you take the lead, but I wanted you to know. To hear the words from my lips.”

“Thank you,” Cullen said. “One minute I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, and then I keep having these weird dreams that make me hopeful I can work through this. And then… well. This happens.”

“It’s okay, Cullen. Forget about what just happened between us. Would you like to tell me about the dreams? Sometimes it helps to talk about them.”

Cullen hesitated and then took Abel by the hand. “Let’s sit down.”

When they were comfortably seated in the saloon, Cullen recounted his dreams, obviously struggling to give Abel as much detail as he could. Abel listened without interruption and tried to analyze as they went. Pastoral counseling training didn’t make him a psychologist, but he had learned to listen with his heart. When Cullen was done, Abel chose his words carefully.

“As much as I want to, I hesitate to comment,” Abel said.

“Why? I want your opinion.”

“But after listening as objectively as I could, I’m afraid everything I say is going to sound like I’m trying to convince you to do something you might not want to do.”

“I trust you, Abel. You’re not a selfish man. I want to hear what you have to say.”

Abel turned away, trying to decide how to proceed, but there was no real decision to be made. He had to give Cullen his opinion without sugarcoating it, whether he liked it or not. “Okay, but this is my take. You probably won’t agree, but here’s what I think.”

Cullen took Abel’s hand in his. “Remember, I trust you. It’s okay.”

“Well, for starters I think the dreams are telling you that Cole has not moved on because you haven’t moved on. In the first dream, he leads you into the water and tries to show you that you’re drowning, going deeper and deeper into yourself. And then he hands you off to me. Someone who pulls you to the surface and gives you air. Gives you life. He wants you to live, Cullen. Not only to live but be happy.”

Cullen didn’t respond, so Abel kept going. “In the second dream, he also brings you to me. He tells you he loves you, but it’s time for you both to move on. He puts your hand in mine and disappears into the light. If he is willing to go into the light, he knows you’re in good hands with me. Don’t you see, Cullen? God, the universe, whatever you believe in, brought you to me. Because I needed you. But more importantly because you needed me. We needed each other.”