Losing Faith (25 page)

“Oh my God,” Cullen said as Abel moved his finger back and forth over the little bump that was the prostate.

Cullen whimpered and gasped as he squirmed under Abel’s attentions. As Abel fingered Cullen, he watched his expression of absolute abandon, and he knew Cullen was truly giving himself over to him. And Abel loved the sounds escaping Cullen’s lips, driving him ever so close to his own release.

Withdrawing his finger, Abel laughed at Cullen’s moans of protest. “Where’s the lubricant, Mr. Impatient?”

“In the drawer,” Cullen said in a rich but hoarse voice that didn’t sound like his own.

Abel found what he was after and squeezed some lube onto his fingers. He warmed the liquid and then rubbed it generously around Cullen’s opening, making sure he was slick with the stuff. Then Abel gingerly slid two fingers inside Cullen and again honed in on that special spot. When Abel found it this time, he wiggled his two fingers, and Cullen wailed, threw his head back, and literally came up off of the bed.

“Oh God, Abel. Need–you–in–side–me–now.”

Abel withdrew his fingers, made sure his dick was slick with lube, and stared down nervously at the hole he was about to violate. Without any further hesitation, Abel pressed his length against Cullen’s opening and pushed in slowly. Cullen hissed, rested his legs on Abel’s shoulders, and dropped his arms to Abel’s thighs, where he momentarily held him at bay. The instant Abel felt Cullen’s warm heat gripping him, he had to fight the urge to shove all the way in. But he knew he needed to give Cullen time to adjust to the intrusion.

Cullen sighed deeply and pulled Abel in a little deeper. A few more movements and Abel looked down to find he was totally sheathed inside Cullen’s tight ass. With Cullen’s encouragement, Abel withdrew slowly and then pushed back inside in several slow delicious thrusts. Abel needed to see better. To see more. He rose up onto his knees and took Cullen by the ankles. He held Cullen’s legs up and apart and watched himself moving in, his length totally disappearing inside of Cullen and then reappearing.

Taking himself in hand, Cullen mirrored Abel’s movement. When Abel looked at Cullen again, his eyes were closed and his head was thrown back in complete abandon.

As Abel steadily moved in and out of him, he could feel Cullen’s hot, velvety insides surrounding him, encompassing him with each thrust. The way they fit together, the way Cullen’s body gripped him, made Abel intensely aware of just how much he loved the man. Abel felt like Cullen was plundering his heart, and to see this look on Cullen’s face again and again, he would gladly let him have it.

Abel knew at that moment he would protect Cullen at all costs. He was so worth protecting. Worth fighting for.
They
were worth fighting for.

Feeling his release start at the tip of his toes, Abel picked up his pace. “Cullen!”

“Let it go, baby. I want to feel your release inside me. Mark me. Make me your own.”

With those words pushing him over the edge, Abel quickened his thrusts and lost all conscious thought. At that exact moment in time, he chose to let go of every bad thing that had ever happened to him in his life. He released it all to God and the universe and then, for the first time as his release coursed through him, gave in to the waves of sweet pleasure unobstructed by old dark memories.

He was pumping feverishly when the sound of Cullen’s moans brought him back to reality. A reality that was somehow different now. New. Clean. And no longer soiled like it had been before this revelation.

Cullen’s free hand was guiding him, pulling him in deeper and harder until his own release was covering his chest and abdomen in long, drawn-out spasms. When they were both drained and exhausted, Abel slid out of Cullen and collapsed at his side.

Still breathing heavily, Abel got up and retrieved a warm cloth. He cleaned Cullen from top to bottom, then crawled back into bed and snuggled up against him.

“You were incredible,” Cullen said. “That was one of the most intense experiences of my life.”

“Somehow all this has changed me,” Abel admitted.

Cullen rose up on his elbow and rested his head in his hand. “How so?”

“I’m not totally sure, but I just know I’m different. All the unfortunate things that have happened to me in my life—things that I’ve held on to forever—are fading away. Almost like I’ve released them somehow. I no longer feel dirty and ashamed of who I was, who I am. The unwanted, insecure kid with no family. It’s all going away, and I have you to thank for that. You awakened me, Cullen. I was too afraid to say it before now, but I love you, Cullen Kiley.”

Cullen pulled Abel close to him. “I’m ashamed to say I’ve been such a coward. I’ve been too afraid to admit things to you, to myself even, fearing that having feelings for you meant they would replace the love I had for Cole. But no more. Now I know God and Cole had a hand in all of this. In my dreams Cole handed me off to you. Not just because you needed me, but because I also needed you. You say I awakened you? Abel, you have single-handedly renewed my faith in God and literally brought me back to the land of the living, and I will love you forever for it.”

CULLEN AND
Abel were sitting side by side on the couch, feet propped up on an ottoman, sipping bourbon and listening to a little music.

“So let me get this straight,” Abel said. “Agnes out and out lied to you and said I sent her to ask you to leave town while at the same time her husband and his cronies were holding me hostage and trying to convince me to submit to conversion therapy?”

“And we’re the sinners?” Cullen chuckled.

“Apparently.” Abel took a sip of his bourbon, something for which he was acquiring quite a taste, and swirled it around in his mouth. He swallowed. “Oh man, I forgot to tell you this.”

“What?”

“After I’d packed my car and was about to leave the church residence, I ran into my neighbor Dottie. She asked if I was leaving and if so, why. For the first time in my life, I said the words. ‘Because I’m gay.’ She blew a gasket.”

“Bigoted old woman,” Cullen cursed.

“No. She was on my side,” Abel clarified. “She didn’t want me to go and said she knew more than half the church would stand up for me if I wanted to stay. Apparently a large part of the congregation hates the Williamses.”

“Get out,” Cullen said. “Seriously?”

“Dottie says the pastor and the missus are not what they appear to be.” Abel filled Cullen in on everything Dottie had told him.

“That two-faced old…,” Cullen said. “She’s cheating on her poor impotent husband, and she says we’re gonna burn in hell?”

Abel frowned. “God will repay each person according to what they have done.”

“Romans 2:6,” Cullen said.

“You’re good.” Abel squeezed Cullen’s knee. “But you know the thing Dottie said that shocked me more than anything?”

“What’s that?”

“The fact that more than half the church would have stood up for me. More than half, Cullen! That’s huge.”

“That’s a testament to you and the way you’ve reached people there.” Cullen laid his hand over Abel’s heart. “I think the world is changing, Abel. Even for the Southern Baptists. Hatred is taught, and the teachers, the old-timers, are dying off. And they’re taking the fire and brimstone with them. As young people find the church, they bring with them an openness to love others unconditionally. And in my opinion, that will in itself have a big impact on all religions.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“Would you want to go back? To your old position, I mean?”

“Absolutely not. If I did, we would need to hide our love, and I won’t do that. We can’t live in a bubble. I love you, and I want the world to know it.”

Just then Cullen heard Tracy Byrd’s voice filling the saloon with one of his favorite songs on his playlist. It was about a man thanking the keeper of the stars for bringing him the person he loved and joining their two hearts. Cullen held up his glass for a toast. “To the keeper of the stars, for bringing our two hearts together. I love you, Abel.” Cullen stood and offered his hand. “Dance with me.”

Abel hesitated. “I don’t know how.”

“You mean you’ve never danced before?”

Abel shrugged. “It’s frowned upon in my religion.”

“And how do you feel about that?” Cullen asked.

“Well, I’ve never seen any verse that prohibits dancing. In fact, just the opposite. David and Moses ‘danced for joy’ in the Bible. And one particular verse I remember was in Psalms. ‘Let them praise His name with the dance: Let them sing praises to Him with the timbrel and harp.’”

Cullen nodded. “And don’t forget 2 Samuel 6:14, ‘Then David danced before the Lord with all his might,’” Cullen added. “Hell, there are at least six I can think of off the top of my head that mention dancing favorably.” Cullen still had his hand out. “So will you?”

“If you don’t make fun of me,” Abel said, getting to his feet.

“Never.”

“What do I do?”

Cullen pulled Abel close to him, took Abel’s right hand in his left, and wrapped his right arm around Abel’s waist. “Just follow my lead and get lost in the music.”

Abel rested his head on Cullen’s shoulder and closed his eyes. He felt Cullen’s muscles moving, contracting and releasing, guiding him, and after a few minutes, he was following Cullen effortlessly as Cullen turned him and swayed. Before long he
was
lost in the music. Lost in the man that was Cullen Kiley.

“I love this,” Abel whispered. “I get to hold you and be close to you just like when we’re in bed. Shoot, it’s almost as good as having sex.”

“Seriously?”

“I said
almost
. Now shut up and spin me again.”

“You sure are a bossy back lead.”

CULLEN LOOKED
up to the sky and let the warm spring sun beat down on his face. He and Abel had been back in P-town just over a month, and today was Easter Sunday, his first official Sunday leading the mass at the Church of Saint Mary of the Harbor.

Since their return Abel had already met with the Bishop and the Diocesan on Ministry to start the process of becoming an ordained Episcopal priest and was scheduled to begin his continuing education in two weeks. Until then, he would act as a deacon of the church and learn as much as he could before his formal education began.

This, of course, was only the first step for Abel. He was learning to truly accept himself and his ability to serve God in a welcoming and nonjudgmental environment. Cullen could already see subtle changes in Abel’s self-esteem and the way he was beginning to come to terms with and move past his childhood and his issues of abandonment and self-worth.

With each passing day, Cullen fell a little more in love with the man who’d saved him and wholeheartedly supported him in whatever direction he chose to take with his calling. But more importantly, Abel seemed extremely happy to be embarking on this journey with Cullen beside him. They had become a true team in every way.

Cullen was a nervous wreck pacing outside on the church steps, wondering if his parishioners would truly embrace him and welcome him back or simply go through the motions.

It had taken him and Abel weeks to write his first sermon, and it centered on the hypocrisy of the clergy. But more so about his hypocrisy—the loss of love, grieving, giving up on life and God, and then when he least expected it, finding love again and being, in a sense, reborn.

It was literally his and Abel’s story in a sermon format, and there were just as many of Abel’s words in the lesson as his. He loved it even more because of that. Cullen hoped the sermon would help explain some of the reason he’d had to leave the church so abruptly.

Some parishioners knew, of course, but others had no clue, nor did the newer church members, so it was make-or-break time. But all Cullen could do was be honest and heartfelt, and in doing that he would have to wear his heart on his sleeve and give them everything he had to give. If they didn’t accept him back, he would move to another church, knowing he’d given it all he had.

Cullen heard the processional music and took his position at the rear of the church behind the acolyte carrying the cross. He followed his cue and made his way slowly down the aisle, listening to the magnificence of the pipe organ, nodding and smiling to familiar faces, but mostly just taking it all in.

The church was decorated with thousands of spring flowers, so colorful it almost hurt the eyes, and the sun was beaming through the stained-glass windows behind the altar, sending rays of additional colors streaming through the entire church. In that very moment, he wondered how he could have ever left something so beautiful. Something he loved so much.

When the procession stopped, Cullen knelt to give thanks and then proceeded to his position behind the altar. He stopped and glanced out over the church and the congregation. Abel was proudly seated in the first row, next to Elaina, and Cullen’s eyes suddenly filled with tears. Through his tears he saw the shadow of Cole sitting on the other side of Abel, smiling broadly. Before he could find the words to speak, the entire church rose to their feet and started clapping.

Cullen wiped the tears away with his robe. He went to Abel, offered him his hand, and led him to the front of the church. The two men stood with the entire congregation applauding them. When the applause was over, Cullen pulled Abel into a tight embrace and whispered into his ear.

“Now we are home.”