Letters Home (15 page)

“Hey, man, how is she?” he asked. “I know, Tanner’s here now. If I did, don’t you think I would have warned you?” He ran his hand through his hair. It was difficult listening to the one-sided conversation, not knowing what Liam was saying to him. “He just got back, they had him in Germany for three months. I’ll talk to her. A couple of days?” He stopped and looked in my direction. “Yeah, okay, I’ll call you later.”

No matter what I tried, I couldn’t sit still. I needed to know was how badly I’d hurt her. Having just met her it seemed slightly irrational that I felt such a strong need to protect her, but since I didn’t really want to analyze why that was, I chalked it up to her being Nate’s wife. I didn’t need any more guilt where Nate’s death was concerned. It was easier to believe I was being protective of her on Nate’s behalf instead of trying to rationalize my feelings. When Colin didn’t say anything at first, I started to fidget. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. “So?”

It was weird. Colin had this far off look on his face, then he shook his head and his eyes came back into focus. I stared at him, waiting to see the outcome of the conversation. “Oh, she’s okay. Liam put her back to bed. He’s pissed as hell at you, but I’m gonna go over there later to check on her and talk to him.”

Dropping my forearms to my thighs, hands clasped in front of me, I dropped my gaze to the ground. “I don’t blame him, he has every right to be pissed.”

“Maybe, but it’s not your fault. I’ll get it all settled.”

“Doesn’t matter anyway. I did what Nate asked me to, and now I need to step away and let her move on with her life.”

His eyes narrowed in on me. “I know you don’t actually believe she should be left alone to ‘move on,’ so don’t spout that crap at me. If you really believed that, you wouldn’t be as upset as you are.”

“But—”

“Don’t even start. Nate asked you hand deliver that letter for a reason. You can’t just walk away and not figure out why.”

“And does your infinite wisdom stretch to any ideas on what reason that might be?”

“Not a clue, but everything he did when it came to Danielle had a reason behind it. Even if he just wanted another set of eyes watching over her.”

“She’s got plenty of people watching over her. Why does she need me?”

He shook his head. “I’m not sure what Nate really wanted, but what I do know is they’ve been together since high school and everyone around her has their own attachment to Nate. It could be he wanted her to have a chance to be friends with the friends he made, even in his absence.”

“That’s wonderful and all, but how do you expect me to do that when she can’t stand the sight of me?”

“Well, to start with, she’s not a huge fan of men in uniform,” he said gesturing to the fatigues I was wearing. “And I can’t say that I blame her. I always wear a T-shirt and jeans when I visit.”

“I never even thought about that.” I sighed. How many things had I messed up today? Of course the sight of a man in uniform at her door would bring back unwanted memories.

“Well, that’s a small step. But first, I’m gonna get dressed and head over there. The sooner Liam and I can talk to her together, the better.”

I stood up. “All right, man. If you need anything, you know where to find me.”

Standing up, he nodded at me, looking partially preoccupied. There was something definitely going on in that head of his. “Yeah, I’ll call you.”

With my mind spinning, I walked over to my apartment. Even though it was a gorgeous day, and one of my few Saturday’s off where I didn’t have somewhere to be, all I wanted to do was chill in front of the TV. It was barely noon and already this day had been long enough. My roommate, Greg, was taking his weekend to visit his parents so I had the apartment all to myself. Thank God. I wasn’t really sure how I would explain all of this to him. Greg and I met when we were stationed in North Carolina. When we both transferred to Georgia, we decided that it would be best if we shared an apartment. This weekend, however, I wanted to be alone. I had a lot to process.

That first night, when Nate asked me to bring the letter to his wife, I wondered whether it was a good idea. I mean, how could something like that not end badly? Even with my reservations I still agreed to do it, never once considering that I might actually have to deliver that letter. Then again, I also had to consider Danielle. There was something about her I genuinely liked, even when she was freaking out on me. I could see how easy it would be to become friends with her. With a groan I flopped on the couch, wondering for the thousandth time what the hell I was thinking.

Just the thought of her sitting on the floor of her apartment had me ready to jump back in my car and ignore what Colin and her brother said about leaving her alone. The tension in my muscles was causing my body to ache. That was it. I needed a way to relieve the stress so that I could focus on a solution to the problem and for me the gym was the best place to do that. I forced myself up off the couch and went back to my room to change and grab a bag. Sitting around the apartment was only going to make the guilt of the situation that much worse.

Sometimes when something knocks you down, it’s your job to brush yourself off and get back up again.

It wasn’t long after Liam had brought me to my room that the tears slowed. Unfortunately, that didn’t mean that the hurt went away. In fact it seemed worse than it had in months. Seeing Tanner’s guilt-ridden face as he’d left the house hadn’t helped. With all that had happened this morning, I felt totally and completely drained. Even knowing that peace wouldn’t necessarily come with sleep, I closed my eyes, hoping for an escape, if only for a few hours.

A slight tapping noise somewhere in the room woke me. My eyes felt heavy, almost like they didn’t want to open at all, but the desire to find the tapping and stop it forced me to sit up in bed and in my drowsy confusion it took a moment to realize that the noise was someone knocking on the door. My mind whirled and I took a second to get my bearings. That’s when it all came back to me. The letter. It had been a blow to my sanity that I just didn’t need.

The knocking on the door continued but instead of getting up to answer it, I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin on them. The pounding in my brain was enough after this morning’s events. I didn’t need any more crap thrown at me. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle it. Every once in a while I deserved to be a little selfish. This was one of those times. There was no one I needed to talk to.

“Danielle, I know you can hear me. Open the door,” Colin called from the other side of the door

It felt like I sat there forever, staring at the wall, doing my damnest to think of nothing. However long it was, was enough for Colin to become impatient. The door creaked open. “Danielle?” Colin peered around the door. A deep crease appeared across his brow as he took in my disheveled appearance. “We need to talk.”

“Why did he bring it here?” I asked, my voice thick with unshed tears.

Colin walked over and sat on the bed next to me. “Can I see it?”

The letter lay somewhat crumpled on the bed next to me. Grabbing it, I handed it to him, recoiling as soon as it left my fingertips. Colin opened the letter, reading it and shaking his head. Just the thought of what that letter represented had my shoulders trembling with silent cries and when I could contain them no longer, the sound of my tears had him dropping the letter and wrapping me in his arms. “I know,” he said as he stroked my hair. “It’s gonna be okay.”

We sat there for a few minutes, Colin continuing to offer comfort. Eventually, he pulled back to look at me. “Danielle, listen to me, we need to talk about this. Will you come and sit in the living room with me and Liam?”

I flinched at the idea, trying to figure out a way to avoid it but knowing if I didn’t go out there with him now he would just bring the discussion to me. I nodded, understanding that whatever Colin had to say was important because it was written in the way he carried himself—in the firm set of his shoulders, the lack of smile on his face. Colin led the way to the living room where Liam was pacing like a caged animal. While he seemed angry, I could also see the worry for me. When he saw me he stopped his pacing, stepping in front of me and placing his hands on my shoulders.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“Not really,” I answered, my voice quivering.

Colin stood next to us and wrapped an arm around each of our shoulders and led us over to the couch, taking a seat on one side of me. Liam took the other.

“Okay, she’s out here now, so why in the world—” Liam started but Colin him off.

“Liam, let me explain first.” Colin turned to me. “Danielle, I’m so sorry, I had no idea that Nate had given that letter to Tanner. But I won’t lie to you, we all have a similar letter to be delivered to whomever we choose if need be. Usually, the letter is mailed by the person in charge of them, usually the base chaplain, after the family is notified.”

The discussion was almost more than I could handle. Hearing that each and every solider in their unit had a plan in place in case they died made my stomach churn. How could they plan for the day they might leave their family and never return?

“He never mentioned it, so I thought Nate was one of the few who had chosen not to write a letter. It wasn’t until Tanner showed up at my door this morning that I found out.”

“He should have known better,” Liam said, his eyes narrowed.

“No, Liam,” Colin said, his jaw tensing. “This is not Tanner’s fault. Technically he should have been back with the rest of us—he had no idea he would be spending three months in Germany because they were shorthanded.”

“Does the when really matter? The army already took Nate from me, but to have a soldier randomly showing up on my doorstep with a letter from my dead husband is a bit much for me to process.”

“If he’d gotten back on time this could have been handled so differently, but that’s not what happened.” Colin turned to take one of my hands in his. “Look, Danielle, Tanner is a good guy. When he came to my apartment he was devastated by what happened. He never wanted to hurt you and is riddled with guilt over it. He was just trying to do his best to honor his friend’s memory.”

All of the feelings from earlier flooded my system. The tension in my muscles coiled my body tight. “His friend? His
friend?
” I yelled. Flying out of my seat, my hands clenched in fists, I continued to rage. “Does it matter to no one that I was his wife? A wife who only got to spend two weeks with her husband before he left? A wife who
buried
her husband about a month after their wedding? I was the one who spoke at his funeral. I was the one who sat at his graveside, the one who prayed that someone made a mistake and that I wasn’t a widow—”

Colin leaped from his seat, hands shaking and nostrils flaring. “Goddamn it Danielle! You think we wanted you to do that alone? You don’t think we wanted to be here for you?” Each word brought him a step closer to me. Even though I could tell Colin was angry—more so than I’d ever seen him—I stood my ground. “But what were we supposed to do? Do you really think it was fun being thousands of miles away while Nate was being laid to rest? He was my best friend. My best friend…and I had to go back and do my job the very next day. I didn’t have the luxury of hiding from the pain.” Colin must have gotten too close for Liam’s comfort, because the next thing I knew Liam was standing between Colin and myself.

“That’s enough, Colin,” he warned.

“You’re right. I hid from the pain. I found two soldiers on my doorstep saying the three words that changed my life, so can you blame me if I wanted to escape from reality for a bit?” I yelled.

“For a bit? You haven’t even
tried
living since then. All you do is work. If you wanted to honor his memory then you wouldn’t be holed up in your office, or your room, hiding from the realities of life, you’d be brave enough to face whatever came your way. He’d have wanted you to go out and live, and yet here you are screaming at the poor man Nate
chose
to bring you the letter he wrote. What does that say about you?”

Liam shoved Colin back. “I said, that’s enough!”

Even while I heard Liam’s warning and the subsequent fight, Colin’s words bounced around in my brain like an errant pool ball. What was I doing? Colin was right—I was avoiding life.

The thought made my throat burn. I hadn’t been honoring Nate’s memory by avoiding anything that might cause me more pain. What I was doing really couldn’t be considered living either. It was more like existing. I’d never felt so small or so awful in my life. With no energy left, I sunk back onto the sofa and buried my face in my hands. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there alone but eventually I felt the cushions dip and a set of warm arms wrapped around me.