Letters Home (27 page)

The day of the ball arrived and Marissa came over that afternoon to help me get ready. I hadn’t mentioned her relationship with Colin since the day we’d gone shopping. There was enough going on in my own life, and if it was something they wanted to work out with each other, then good for them.

With the design of the dress, I decided the best thing would be to secure my hair in a loose curly bun at the base of my skull, letting small tendrils escape to make it look more natural. Marissa thought that simple makeup would be best—neutral colors that accentuated my eyes but still let the color of the dress stand out. Time seemed to fly and before I knew it, it was time for Tanner to pick me up, Marissa let him in while I finished the final few touches. A quick look in the mirror told me that I’d made the right decision about the dress.

Mentally preparing myself, I took a deep breath and stepped out of my bedroom. I couldn’t see the living room from where I was standing—the hallway was a little too long for that—but just knowing I’d have to go to him made my legs feel like Jell-O, although, I was excited to hear what he thought about the dress I’d chosen.

When I stepped into the living room, Tanner was sitting on the couch, his back to me, talking to Marissa. She noticed me first and tilted her head in my direction. Tanner stood up and turned to face me and as his eyes took in the results of our preparation his mouth parted slightly, and he sucked in a quick breath, simply staring at me. I did a quick turn so that he could see the whole outfit but when he still hadn’t moved, Marissa walked up and used her fingers to push his mouth closed. She gave him a quick little shove in my direction.

“You look…God, there are no words. You’re absolutely stunning.”

“Thank you,” I said, feeling my face heat under his praise.

His hand reached up to cup my cheek. “Don’t be shy. There is not a person at the ball tonight who’s going to be able to take their eyes off you. And to think you’re all mine.” His lips captured mine, the passion of the kiss stealing my breath and just like every other time our lips had connected, the tingling feeling spread through my body. The second I parted my lips his tongue slid through to caress mine, making me feel loved and cared for. In that moment, the world slipped away. Nothing else mattered besides the man kissing me. Time stopped. People disappeared.

It was a feeling I wanted to hold onto, forever.

There was an excessively loud clearing of the throat behind us—the type that made you stop what you were doing because someone was clearly trying to get your attention. Tanner slowly pulled away from the kiss, his face flushed from the heat of it.

“Should I leave?” Marissa asked sarcastically.

“Nice, Marissa,” I said, wondering why she’d had to interrupt as the feeling of peace brought on by the kiss started to fade away.

“Can you blame me? She’s gorgeous.” Tanner winked. He held out his arm to me. “Should we go?”

“Absolutely.”

Thankfully, we were taking my car because I couldn’t have made it up into his truck without a stepladder. The ball was being held at one of the nearby hotels, and when we arrived, the greens and golds of the dress uniforms gave a sense of safety and brotherhood to the atmosphere of the lobby. Just as I thought he would, Tanner looked incredible. The jacket was beautifully cut, hinting at the strong muscles of the shoulders beneath. I felt beautiful on his arm—perhaps as only a reflection of Tanner, but beautiful nonetheless.

If I’d thought the lobby was a sight to behold, the ballroom was an entirely different story. Gorgeous bouquets graced every table, and a candlelight illumination gave the room a warm glow.

Gazing around the room, I realized that I knew many of the people that were there. Some of them I’d known for years, while others were familiar faces from Nate’s memorial service. Those were the faces I noticed focusing in on my arm looped through Tanner’s. Suddenly the room felt a bit warm as more eyes followed me. Tanner led me up to the group of men and introduced me to his Commanding Officer, Lt. Pearson.

“Danielle, it’s a pleasure,” he said, reaching out a hand to shake mine.

It was an awkward moment. The man was standing before me, acting as if he didn’t know me when he’d been Nate’s commanding officer too. How could he not remember standing at the front of the memorial service, saying a few words, and offering his condolences? Was this his way of overlooking the fact that I was here with another man in their unit? These were men who’d fought alongside Nate—some even there the night he’d died.

The air around me felt heavy. I realized that by being in a relationship with Tanner, I was betraying Nate. All the feelings I’d had about cheating on him as I let myself get closer to Tanner, overrode everything else in my head to the point where it didn’t matter that I was standing in the middle of a ball, or how much I truly cared about him, because all of it was unfair to Nate.

I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I missed most of the conversation. I hadn’t even seen Tanner move his hand to take mine until our fingers touched. When I snatched my hand away and linked my fingers together in front of me, the blue eyes that focused on mine were filled with questions, pain, and something else I’d never seen from Tanner.

Once again I’d hurt him but I couldn’t help how I felt. These men served with both Nate and Tanner, and my being there just didn’t seem right. Maybe agreeing to come had been a bad idea on my part. The incident with the dress store should have been enough of a warning to stop me from going. I hadn’t listened, and now I was surrounded by people who were probably thinking I was terrible person. And from the look on Tanner’s face, this night was only going to go from bad to worse.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is to protect yourself from the bombs falling all around you.

Did she really just pull her hand away, in front of all these people? My body couldn’t decide what to feel. All of my muscles were tense as I clenched to try and stop them from trembling, all the while continuing to listen to the captain’s story. It wasn’t until my jaw started to ache that I excused myself from the group, leaving Danielle behind. As I walked away I noticed Danielle biting her lip, avoiding eye contact, but I wasn’t in any mood to comfort her. Whatever her problem was, it would have to wait until later. I worked with every person in that room. In fact, most of them were my superiors. There was no way I could jeopardize my career just because I was pissed.

The air was cool for June but it was exactly what I needed. A few minutes outside would be enough for me to calm down and get it together. I’d deal with whatever was going on with Danielle on the way home. I had no idea what happened from the time we’d left her place to the time we arrived, so how could I be expected to fix things or know what she was feeling to help her through it? Although at that moment, I wasn’t sure I wanted to help her with anything. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was starting to see the one-sidedness of this relationship. This was neither the time nor the place to deal with it though. Pushing the thoughts out of my head, I pasted on a fake smile and went back into the ball.

I made sure not to show any outward sign of my turmoil, a skill I’d developed in the field. When a soldier was wounded, it was easier to treat them if they and the rest of the unit were calm and so I’d learned how to compartmentalize my feelings, keeping the nerves and anxiety locked up inside, and only letting others see the relaxed, easygoing demeanor. When talking with most people, this was an easy feet. It was only when I looked at Danielle that I struggled. Just like me, she avoided eye contact and we just barely touched when we danced. We mingled with our friends, since Greg and Colin had decided to use Greg’s tickets and come without dates, but she was even weird around them. I was sure Colin noticed, but I was too angry to care. So much for creating new memories for us. There was nothing about this night I wanted to remember.

I kept checking my watch to see how much longer before we could leave without causing a scene, and when that time came I lightly touched her elbow to get her attention. Her whole body stiffened, sending my pulse soaring.

We said our good-byes and I led her out to the parking lot. Once we were in the car and out of earshot of the other guests, I turned to her.

“What was that?” I bit out.

“Tanner,” she said softly as she place her hand on my arm.

I shook it off. “Don’t ‘Tanner’ me. Why did you even come with me tonight?”

She faced forward, staring out of the front windshield. “They’re his friends,” she whispered.

She had to be kidding me.
His
friends?
She seemed to have completely forgotten the fact that they were my friends as well, and that I’d been so excited to have her on my arm tonight. “You have got to be
fucking
kidding me.”

I shook my head and without another word put the car into gear and drove away. Right in that moment, I didn’t have anything to say to her. In truth, I was afraid of what I might say now, but regret later. The next time she tried to talk to me was a few blocks from her place. But I ignored her attempt, cranking the radio and gunning the engine instead. It would appear that my instinct whenever I was confronted with an issue between us was to run, but maybe that wasn’t a bad thing. I needed to get out of her car and clear my head. The minute I pulled into her space in the lot I hopped out, throwing the keys on the seat.

“Tanner, talk to me.”

I looked over my shoulder and started to speak, but thinking better of it, I bit into my cheek to shut myself up. The keys to my truck were in my pocket. I pulled them out and started walking, ignoring her calls to wait. And just like the night I’d kissed her for the first time, I jumped in my truck and drove away.

Before I even got out of the complex my phone started to ring, and I pulled it out of my pocket to see the number I knew would be there. Sliding the button to ignore the call, I then turned the phone off. If I hadn’t wanted to talk to her a few minutes ago, what made her think I’d suddenly changed my mind? The first thing I did when I got home was to pull out a bottle of bourbon. It didn’t matter that I was still in my dress uniform. I took a long swig, letting the alcohol burn a path down to my stomach, and loosening my tie, I flopped down onto the couch, bottle still in hand. Greg was still out—I could only assume they would hit the bars afterward, which was good because I could fume all on my own and drink the pain away.

But shot after shot did nothing to blank out the evening. Undeterred, I kept going until, eventually, I let the buzz of the liquor overtake me, and I passed out on the couch.

The break in the training day I was running was entirely welcome—the exhaustion making it hard to function. It had been three days since I’d driven away from Danielle. She’d tried to call, but I refused to answer my phone, eventually turning it off again. I had nothing to say to her. Well, until I could figure out what to do. It was hard to admit, but something had changed between Danielle and I the night of the ball. I kept trying to figure out what happened, and if there was a way to fix it. When Greg woke me up the next morning, he’d wanted to know what happened. He could tell something was wrong. How did I tell him that I was starting to think that the relationship with Danielle was more one-sided than I’d thought? I knew going in it might take time, but not once had it occurred to me that we might go backwards. Which is exactly what had happened the night of the ball. Danielle wasn’t a runner, but that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t leave her walls up to keep me out.

Groaning, I sat down at the desk to check my email, rubbing the back of my shoulders and neck in an attempt to relieve the tension. This was a problem I needed to deal with later because I still had two training sessions after lunch and I needed my head in the game. It was literally the difference between life and death. If I missed something, or said something that wasn’t right, a medic in the field might make a mistake and that soldier’s death would be on my shoulders.