Letters Home (12 page)

When we pulled into the parking lot, the breath felt like it was forced out of my lungs. A little over a month ago I’d pulled into this parking lot, headed toward my happily ever after. I should have known that fairytales never really come true.

My gaze was focused on my hands as I said in a small voice, “I’m not sure I can do this.”

Liam reached across the center console and took my hand in his. “I’m not going lie to you, this is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but that’s the thing…you
have
to do it. You’ll never forgive yourself if you give up the chance to say good-bye.”

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

That one word had the moisture building in my eyes, blurring my vision. I nodded, unable to speak past the lump in my throat as Liam came around the front of the car to help me out. He slid his arm through mine and guided me into the chapel. A few steps behind us was Marissa. I knew she was remembering the last time we were there when I heard the slight sniffles. I wanted to turn around, but I knew if I did, I would breakdown and never make it inside. As it was, it was taking every ounce of strength that I had to walk into that building.

Chaplain Hayes met us at the door. “Danielle, how are you holding up?” he asked in a comforting tone.

“I’m not,” I said honestly. “If it weren’t for Liam and Marissa, I probably wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning.”

He took my hands in his. “You know that’s not what Nate would want, right?”

“I know, but right now I don’t really care what anyone else wants. Everything I wanted was snatched away from me.”

He nodded. “That’s completely understandable. You’re allowed to grieve in any way that helps you.” It was nice to hear that I was allowed to be selfish. He squeezed my hands. “Are you ready to go in?”

I took a deep, breath and let it out slowly. “No, but this something that I need to do.”

Chaplain Hayes and Liam guided me into the room, the sight that greeted me forced the air from my lungs. Thinking about it was one thing, but seeing Nate’s casket caused my body to tremble. It sat in the same spot where we’d stood and promised our lives to one another. My throat burned with unshed tears, but I nodded at my brother and he let go of my arm so that I could walk forward to lightly run my fingers over the flag that draped my husband’s coffin. How could this be happening? I leaned down onto the hard surface, almost hugging it to me. Liam stepped up behind me.

“Marissa and I are going to step outside and wait for Mom and Dad, and Nate’s parents. We want you to have a few minutes alone with Nate.”

I nodded, still staring at the box that would forever hold the love of my life. The creak of the door let me know that I was alone. Alone was something I needed to get used to. I was going to be alone for a long time.

Without knowing what else to do, I started talking. “Nate, I miss you so much,” I whispered. “I don’t know what to do without you. All of the plans we had are gone and I feel so…
empty
.” That’s when the whispers turned to sobs. “You were supposed to come home…you weren’t supposed to leave me. I love you more than life itself. What am I supposed to do now?”

That’s when I heard footsteps and strong arms wrapped around me from behind. Liam picked me up off the casket and turned me into his arms, the cries shaking every part of my body as another pair of hands rubbed small, comforting circles on my back. I could hear the tears. The sound of a pain as strong as mine led my gaze to the back of the chapel where Mr. Lewis held his wife as she screamed and cried, the tears streaming unchecked down his face. The room was filled with grief. No words that would end our heartache.

“That’s it, honey, let it all out,” my mom said softly.

Once I had calmed slightly, Liam led me to the seats behind us where my dad was waiting. The moment I sat down, his arm wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me to him. “I’ve got ya, kiddo.”

Eventually Mrs. Lewis took the seat on the other side of me and, reaching over, she covered my hand with hers as we stared simply at the source of our grief. We sat there for what seemed like hours, no talking, just the sniffles of tears that had been shed. Chaplain Hayes came in to check on us, letting us know that everything was set for the morning and there was nothing for us to worry about.

The pins and needles in my feet let me know that we had been sitting for a long time. Trying to shake off the feeling, I stood up and began pacing the room. Mrs. Lewis stepped into my path during one pass and pulled me into a hug. “Nate loved you more than life itself, and you will always be my daughter,” she whispered in my ear, setting off another round of tears.

“I miss him so much.”

“I know you do, sweetheart. So do I.” She let go of me and took a step back, turning to her husband. “Paul, it’s time for us to go.” Mr. Lewis didn’t argue. I could tell he didn’t want to sit and stare at the coffin anymore either. She placed a kiss on my cheek and covered her mouth with her hand before bolting from the room, Mr. Lewis following quickly behind her.

When Liam came up and suggested the same, I bristled at the idea. “I want to stay.”

For a moment he looked like he wanted to argue, but thought better of it. Instead he went over to Mom and Dad and left me alone with Nate, convincing them to go and assuring them that he would stay with me.

“Danielle?” Marissa whispered as she crouched down in front of me. I looked at her, but said nothing. “We can’t stay here. We need to get some food in you and some sleep for tomorrow. It’s going to be a long day.”

“It’s going to be a long day, no matter what. Does it really matter if I forgo sleep to stay with Nate one last time?”

That’s when Liam’s head snapped around. “What do you mean forgo sleep? You can’t stay here all night.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, well used to being defiant when it came to my brother. “Oh yes, I can. Unless you plan on dragging me out of here kicking and screaming, I’m staying.”

Liam looked at Marissa, maybe hoping for help in convincing me that it was a bad idea, but nothing they could say would change my mind. Plus, I wasn’t worried about not being allowed to stay—I’d already seen a ton of articles about women who slept next to their husbands one last time before their funerals. When Chaplain Hayes came back into the room I explained to him what I wanted to do.

“That’s a very unorthodox request,” he replied. “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

“This is my last chance to sleep next to him, please don’t take that from me,” I begged, tears thickening my voice.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he said with a comforting smile and left the room.

Marissa came up beside me. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I have to,” I told her. She watched me carefully for a moment and then nodded in understanding. “I’ll get Liam home and bring you a change of clothes in the morning.”

“Thank you, Marissa.”

“Always.”

Chaplain Hayes was a miracle worker because he arranged for a small cot to be brought in, as well as a place to shower in the morning.

“All right, we’re going to head home,” Liam said. “If you need anything, I don’t care what time, just call me.”

“I will.”

“We’ll see you in the morning,” Marissa promised.

After they said their goodbyes, Chaplain Hayes sat down next to me. A few moments of silence passed when I turned to him. “Thank you for letting me stay.”

“How could I say no? You had so little time together as husband and wife, you deserve one last night.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Will this pain in my heart ever go away?” Even though I’d spent the afternoon in tears and my body was exhausted, there was a constant throbbing ache. The empathy in his eyes was as comforting as it was heartbreaking.

His hand reached over to squeeze mine. “Only time will let you heal, and while Nate will always be a part of you, there will come a day when your heart doesn’t hurt anymore because it is able to find love in another.”

I shook my head. “Nate was my one and only. I don’t want anyone to replace him.”

“Oh, Danielle, you’re too young to give up on love. Even though it will hurt, you need to live. It’s what Nate would’ve wanted for you. And no one will ever replace him. Nate will always hold a piece of your heart. Just don’t be afraid to give the rest to someone else, someday.”

I nodded, slipping back into silence. The sun was fading and the small lights in the front of the chapel created a soft glow. It was calming as I continued to stare into nothingness. All I could do was think about the funeral, something I wished that I could forget. The worst part was that his friends, the members of his unit, couldn’t be there. They were thousands of miles away but from what I understood from Liam and Chaplain Hayes, they were celebrating Nate’s life in their own way. Of course they would probably hold a memorial service when they returned in two months, but for now strangers would carry his casket. Men he may or may not have served with. It seemed so unfair and impersonal. That’s when I decided that it was up to me to add a personal touch. The question was whether I was strong enough to do it.

Breaking the silence once again, I turned to Chaplain Hayes. “Can I ask one more thing?”

“Of course,” he said.

“I’d like to speak at Nate’s funeral tomorrow.” When I saw him open his mouth to object, I held up my hand to stop him. “I know you’re going to try and talk me out of it, but all of his friends, his brothers, are half a world away and won’t be able to speak on his behalf. I’m all there is.”

He watched me, conflict in his eyes, but after a few moments he stood and nodded. Before he left he placed a hand on my shoulder. “You’re stronger than you think you are. I’ll make the arrangements. If you need anything, there will be a soldier on duty who will be able to find me.”

“Thank you.”

After the chaplain left I lay down on the cot, waiting for sleep to take me, but every time I closed my eyes, I saw Nate. It had been the same all week but lying next to him made everything real. Part of me had prayed that they were wrong and he was going to show up on our doorstep and everything would be fine. I turned so that I was facing him. “Good-night, Nate. I love you.”

And I buried my face in my hands and cried myself to sleep.

Hands shook me awake. I opened my eyes to find Marissa looking down at me, her eyebrows drawn together over clouded eyes, yet she said nothing about my appearance, which was surely a sight after all of yesterday’s crying.

“Come on, let’s go get you ready.”

She helped me up and led me to a place to get ready. Before I wanted to, we were back at the chapel, all evidence that I’d spent the night there gone. In the cot’s place were baskets of flowers, a large of picture of Nate, his boots, and his rifle. Just seeing the picture had me walking forward on shaking legs. Marissa led me to the front where Nate’s parents joined me as we waited for the stream of people to begin. The procession of visitors seemed to take forever. So many coming to give me their condolences and thank our family for my husband’s service. At one point, I bit my tongue so hard to keep from yelling at them, I tasted blood. My mom must have noticed my agitation because a few seconds later she was by my side, suggesting a quick break to clear my head.

“Let’s get a breath of fresh air, shall we?”

She looped her arm through mine and led the way to the doors. The warmth of the sun hitting my face seemed exactly what I needed to survive the next few hours.

“I’m so proud of you.”

The soft sound of my mother’s voice as she spoke was my undoing. My lip began to quiver. She opened her arms to me and I walked right into them, taking the comfort they’d offered me as a child in the same as I was now. To need my mother’s embrace should have made me feel weak. Instead it gave me a strength I didn’t know I had.

“Nancy? Danielle?” I turned at my father’s voice. “It’s time to start.”

Mom cupped my face with her hands and looked me in the eye. “You can do this.” Little did she know what I had planned. She might not have been so confident then. Taking a deep breath, I took my first step to the head of the chapel. The memories that flooded me with that step were like a lead weight placed on my chest. I didn’t bother to wipe away the tears as I pushed forward to take my seat with the Lewises. Chaplain Hayes looked at me, the unspoken question in his eyes. Was I sure I wanted to do this? Giving him a slight nod, I waited through his sermon for my chance to speak, my eyes focused on Nate’s picture.

“We’ve had a request from Sgt. Lewis’ wife, who has something she wants to say,” Chaplain Hayes said to the room.

I rose slowly from my seat to walk to the podium, but before I could take a step Liam placed a restraining hand on my arm. “Danielle, are you sure?”

Turning, I looked my brother, his brows drawn together in concern. “Yes. This is something I have to do.”

After a moment he let go and I made my way to the front. Chaplain Hayes gestured toward the microphone. The room was silent, so many eyes watching me, waiting to hear what I had to say.

“Thank you so much for coming, everyone. I know this is going to be hard, but the way I see it, many of my husband’s friends are thousands of miles away and I just don’t think he should have to wait until they return for the proper send off, so here goes.” I sucked in a deep breath and spoke directly from my heart—just like Nate asked me to on our wedding day. “Nate was my world. He was my everything, and I was his. He was my sun, and moon, and stars. Since we were seventeen, Nate had been my rock and to be honest, I really don’t know what I’m going to do without him. He loved being a ranger and I was so proud of him for all that he accomplished, even when his job took him away from me. He cheered me through law school, especially when I wanted to give up. He always knew what to say to brighten my spirits. I’d give anything to hear him say ‘I love you, Dani’ just one more time.” I turned to face the coffin, tears streaming down my face. “I wish you could be here with me right now. I miss you more than words can possibly say. My light is gone and I’m not sure what to do. You always had the answers, but now I need to find them myself. Know that you will always hold my heart. You are my one and only.” With nothing left in me I sunk to the floor, letting the grief take me. Liam and my father rushed forward and helped me back to my seat.