Letters Home (14 page)

“Do you know what it is?”

“A letter to you. Do you want me to leave?”

I was beyond answering as I looked down at the envelope in my hands. With shaking fingers, I flipped it over to see Nate’s beautiful handwriting on the front.
Danielle, my love
. The same as on the letter asking me to marry him. Flipping it back over, I slid my finger beneath flap and ripped it open. It was a good thing I hadn’t eaten anything, since the nausea was overwhelming. Inside the envelope was another letter.

Without a second thought about Tanner being there, I unfolded the paper and began to read his words.

My dearest Danielle,

This was one letter I hoped you would never have to read. If that time has come, there is so much I want to say to you, but I’m not sure any letter would be long enough. I’m so sorry for leaving you alone. Please know that with every fiber of my being I tried to return to you. Being with you was the most important thing to me. But sometimes things don’t always happen as we hoped they would. Sometimes we just have to learn to live with the hand we were given, and make what we can of it. As much as it hurts, unfortunately it’s part of life.

I remember the first time I saw you when I walked into Math, junior year. The simple sight of you stole my breath and from that moment on, I knew you’d be mine. You were everything to me and I know that I was everything to you.

I can’t even try to imagine the pain you are feeling at the moment, and I wish I was there to hold and comfort you. It always broke my heart to see you cry, and yet I know that nothing can stop that now. Please promise me something. Promise me that you won’t let my memory keep you from living your life. All I ever wanted in life was your happiness. You were and forever will be my one and only.

Love,

Nate

The words I’d spoken so long ago came rushing back to me, as the tears ran unchecked down my face, the paper covered in small little droplets of moisture. All the emotions that I’d worked so hard to contain the last few months broke free at seeing Nate’s words to me. The feelings consumed me, forcing the sobs from my body. But underneath all of the pain and anguish was anger at the unfairness of it all. Why did it have to be Nate?

Hands clenched into fists at my sides I advanced on the only other person in the room, and for the first time since Nate died, I let it all out. Unfortunately for the man in front of me, he was going to take the brunt of it.

“Why would you bring me this to me? Haven’t I suffered enough?” I yelled, waving the letter around.

He jumped and ran over to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “I was just doing what he asked me to. I had no idea what was written in that letter.”

I jumped out of his grip and paced the room. “And you didn’t think it would upset me? I worked so hard to get to a place where I was able to bury the pain so it wouldn’t crush me anymore.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

“You didn’t, what? Didn’t mean to remind me of all I’ve lost? All the army took from me?”

With his hand out he took a step toward me, once again trying to offer comfort, but I wanted none of it. “Stay away from me,” I screamed. “Haven’t you done enough?”

Eyes wide, he froze in place watching his wary gaze on me.

“Life was perfect. We’d just gotten married and I was hoping we’d be able to talk about having kids. I knew the army would have him during parts of our lives, but I always thought he’d be mine until we were old and gray. Wasn’t the time he spent away from me enough?” When I’d spewed the last of my venom I collapsed to the floor.

Suddenly there were arms around me, offering comfort. “Danielle, if I’d have known you were going to react this way, I would have never brought it here. He was my friend and I never thought he’d send anything to upset you like this,” he whispered into my hair, rocking me as I cried.

The front door opened and Liam’s voice shook the room. “What the hell is this?”

Tanner jumped up. “I’m sorry. My name’s Tanner Marano, I was in Nate’s unit and he asked me to bring something to Danielle…if something ever happened to him.”

Liam moved over, wrapping me in his arms. “And why are you just now bringing it?” he asked, his hands squeezing a little too hard as he tried to control his anger.

“I’m so sorry, my goal wasn’t to upset anyone. After the unit left Afghanistan, I was sent to Germany for three months. Nate made me promise to deliver it personally.” Tanner was shifting on his feet, clearly nervous and upset by my reaction. Unfortunately, I couldn’t control my feelings and continued to cry in Liam’s arms.

Liam nodded curtly. “I think it might be best if you go.”

Tanner made his way to the door, but turned before opening it. “Again, I’m so sorry for hurting you.” With that he walked out and I felt myself being lifted from the floor. Liam carried me to my room, tucking me into bed, knowing after months of dealing with me that I just wanted to be alone.

The things you do for your friends can sometimes cause you pain and/or guilt.

The minute the door closed behind me, I sighed. That was worse than I’d imagined it would be. When I’d arrived in Germany, my first reaction had been to send that letter by mail, but then I remembered the night Nate brought me the letter and asked me to deliver it. He’d made me promise to deliver it myself, no matter what. It wouldn’t be a very good way to honor his memory if I ignored his wishes. After that ordeal, part of me wished I had.

I’d only met Nate a few months prior to our deployment, when I was transferred in to replace their medic. All he ever did was talk about Dani. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to meet her under better circumstances. With her being away for school, and then her work schedule, it had been impossible. Then our deployment time arrived and although I’d gotten a quick glimpse at her the day we left, that fleeting glance didn’t do justice to the beauty that was Danielle Lewis…
Renton
. She was average height with long, curly brown hair and brown eyes—eyes that showed their hatred for the army, of anything that reminded her of her pain. My gut twisted thinking about her on the floor in tears. No woman deserved that and all I’d done was make it worse by waiting to bring that letter until I got home. Maybe that was my punishment. I wasn’t sent on the patrol that night, and maybe if I had, Nate would still be here. Maybe I could have saved him.

Getting in my car, I wondered for the thousandth time what Nate had been thinking? I knew every person in the unit had one of those letters, to be delivered in the event of our death, but they were supposed to be mailed as soon as the family was notified. Nate’s request for me to hand deliver it was out of the ordinary and I just couldn’t figure out his purpose in doing so. At first I thought maybe it had to do with her reading it while she was alone, but some guy obviously lived with her. She wasn’t alone. So the question still remained, why? Even though I tried to convince myself that the guilt that had settled in my stomach was simply because of Danielle’s reaction to the letter, it was more than that. I’d been preoccupied when I knocked on the door, wanting to get it over and done with. When she’d called out for me to wait, I’d been annoyed—it wasn’t like I didn’t have other things to do with my time off. Standing at her door, the weight of the letter in my hand increasing with each passing minute, I’d managed to work myself up, so much so that I’d been caught completely off guard when she’d finally opened the door. Her scent hit me first. She didn’t smell like the women I usually came into contact with. Where their harsh, fake perfumes made my eyes itch, her scent was all natural, fresh…like laundered sheets—when you’ve had to sleep in a cot with the same sweat drenched sheets for weeks on end you learn to appreciate the simple pleasures. So consumed was I that it took me a second to focus on her face, but when I did my heart faltered, caught between my sense of loyalty to my brother, and the pure, unadulterated desire that consumed me from inside out.

At least now it was over, mostly anyway. I still needed to make sure she was okay. It killed me leaving her looking so broken. There was one person I knew that would be able to find out if she was all right. I sent a quick text to Colin, asking if he was home but instead of waiting for him to text back, I started the car to head back to base. Colin’s apartment was only a few down from mine so I’d be able to see his car in the parking lot if he hadn’t replied by the time I got back.

I wasn’t relishing having to explain that Danielle was upset, much less the reason why because I knew once I told him what had happened, Colin would want to know what the hell was going on. Nate had also specifically asked me not to say anything to Colin about me having the letter and explaining that to him was gonna suck, almost as much as this morning had. As soon as I pulled into the lot, I saw his car. At the same time my phone went off with a message saying he was home. With heavy feet I walked up to his door. Hopefully this conversation would go better than the last, but I highly doubted it. A quick knock on the door and it opened to reveal Colin looking pretty put together for a Saturday morning. With his latest quest to find the perfect woman, he spent many—and I mean
many
—Friday nights at the bar, thus making Saturday morning not such a good time to call on him.

“Hey, man, that was fast,” Colin said, opening the door to let me in.

“Yeah, I decided to head over anyway instead of waiting for your reply.” I walked inside and took a seat on the couch. Colin and I had also gotten along great from the beginning and since that night, we’d only gotten closer, his place being the first place I’d visited after getting back to the states.

He made his way over to the chair in the corner. “What’s up man? You look completely stressed out.”

“Well, I need to talk to you about something that happened this morning.”

“Okay,” he said, a deep frown settling across his forehead.

Taking a deep breath, I started at the beginning, from the moment Nate had given me the letter to when I left Danielle with the guy who’d looked ready to kick my ass. Throughout the story, he shifted in his seat, from leaning back in the chair, looking relaxed, to sitting with his forearms on his legs, staring at the ground. When I finished it was a few seconds before he raised his head and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. His arm dropped back to his leg, his weary gaze on me.

“Nate had you do
what?
” His voice sounded tired.

“I tried to tell him it was a bad idea from the beginning, but he was determined that I bring it to her myself.”

“Shit, man. This is bad.”

“You think I don’t know that?! Her tiny little self just flipped out on me—I almost felt like I was the one that killed him.” The truth of that statement was a little too close for comfort and to admit it left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Don’t start that again, Tanner. I can see it in your eyes. You know as well as I do there was nothing you could have done to save Nate. He was killed instantly. Even as a medic, there was nothing you could have done.”

“So everyone keeps telling me.” In the back of my head, I still wondered if there was anything…

“Tanner!” Colin yelled, snapping me out of my head.

“What?”

“We have other things to worry about right now, besides your misplaced guilt. We have to figure out how to bring Danielle out again.”

“What do you mean
out again
?”

“I mean that last night was the first night she did something besides eat, sleep, and work. We practically had to kidnap her to get her to go out for dinner.”

“Oh, so that’s what she meant when she said about just getting her life back together. And here I come in and bring a letter that rips it away again.”

He sighed. “Again. Not. Your. Fault. We’ll figure this out. Nate was my brother in every sense of the word, and Danielle is the little sister I never had. I feel like it’s my job to protect her. Even if that means from herself. First let me call Liam and see how she’s doing.”

“Who’s Liam?”

“Danielle’s brother.”

“Well that explains why he looked like he was going to beat the shit out of me if I didn’t get out of there.”

“Pretty much.”

There was a build up of moisture in his eyes but I chose to ignore it. Instead I nodded, still worried about everything. A conversation with her brother? I could only imagine how that would go, especially with the way he was glaring at me when I left. This was all so messed up. Danielle was right—she didn’t deserve any of this. Colin brought the phone to his ear, his leg bouncing up and down.