Letters Home (19 page)

“Good-night, Tanner.” I stepped out of the car.

“Remember, anytime, anyplace. If we need each other we call.”

“I know. I promise.”

“All right then. Good-night, Danielle.”

Lying in bed that night, I realized the tightness in my chest that had been there since the funeral had lessened a little. In fact, every day since reading Nate’s letter, I’d felt a little better. It was as if that was the one thing I’d needed to start to move on. Though there was more to it. I’d finally found someone I could talk to who listened to what I was saying. Tanner didn’t try to find a way to cheer me up, he let me be sad and offered comfort. He seemed to understand that sometimes people just needed to let it out.

Over the next week Tanner and I talked on the phone a few times and he sounded like he was doing well. Mostly I think he was checking in on me, which was nice. Our conversations were always brief, though. I was so crazy at work that I was getting home well after nine o’clock each night, and that didn’t leave a lot of time for long conversations, especially when Tanner had to get up at the crack of dawn for PT. By Saturday afternoon, however, I was starting to get antsy. All of my work was done and I found myself sitting around the house looking for something to do. The weather was still a little cool so that prevented any outdoor activities.

Having exhausted all of the menial tasks around the apartment, I decided to call Tanner. He answered on the first ring. “Danielle? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, sorry to bug you. I was just bored, sitting at home alone.”

“You’re not bothering me. Why are you alone?”

“Well, Liam’s working and Marissa’s away for the weekend. So it’s just me, and I finished everything I need to do for work about two hours ago.”

“That sounds like a whole lot of fun.” I could hear the smirk in his voice. I’d learned over the last week that Tanner was very fond of sarcasm.

“Ha ha ha, you know it’s not. That’s why I’m calling—I was wondering what you were doing?”

“I was about to head to the gym. Why, what did you have in mind?”

“I was thinking maybe a movie?”

“What kind of movie?” he asked suspiciously.

“Relax,” I laughed. “I don’t like romantic comedies, so you’re safe. I’ll even let you pick what we see.”

“Hmm…let me think about it.”

In my mind I could see him rubbing his chin like he was deep in thought. He just seemed to be that kind of guy. It was amazing how quickly I’d gotten to know him and just how effortless everything was between us. “Deal! Can you give me about an hour and half to finish my workout and shower?”

“Sure. Do you want me to meet you there?”

“No, I’ll come pick you up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, just be ready. I’ll be there in an hour and a half.”

“See ya then.”

When I hung up the phone, I looked around the house for something to do. Everything was clean and in its place and there was nothing for me to do but sit and wait. The quiet of the house was more than I could handle. It always left me with way too much time to think, about the future, about the past. Without anything else to do, I decided to do the one thing that I’d been avoiding—going to see Chaplain Hayes. The card he’d given me with his number was sitting on my dresser, just waiting for me to pick it up. With shaking hands I made the call, part of me hoping that he would be busy.

He wasn’t.

With a sigh, I picked up my keys and headed for the door. While this was not a conversation I was looking forward to, it was one I think I needed. Chaplain Hayes had offered to meet me off base and I took him up on it. I might have been ready to sit down and talk, but going to the base alone was a whole different situation so we agreed to meet at one of the small cafes near the base. Pulling into the parking lot, I saw him walk into the building. The scent of vanilla surrounded me as I took a deep, fortifying breath and stepped out of the car.

The scent of different coffees hit me as soon as I opened the door. Chaplain Hayes was seated at one of the tables to the left.

“I figured I’d wait for you to order. What would you like,” he asked with a smile.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s my pleasure.”

“I’ll have a hazelnut latte, thank you.”

“You got it.”

The Chaplain went to order the coffees while I bit my fingernails, waiting for him to come back but unsure of what I’d say when he did. It only took a few minutes for both drinks to be done and the chaplain was back at the table watching me. Trying to buy some more time, I took a long sip of my drink.

“I’m glad that you finally called me. I was starting to think you never would.”

I sighed. “I know. And if it weren’t for what happened two weeks ago, I might still be in my office, trying to escape from the pain.”

“What changed?”

“I got Nate’s letter.”

“Ah yes, Sgt. Marano came to visit me after he delivered it to you. He was worried he’d made things worse. I told him you were a strong woman and that you’d be able to deal with this.”

“Did you know about the letter?”

“Most of your husband’s unit had letters for their families if something should happen to them. I’m actually the keeper of those letters, so it was quite a shock to me when I found out that your husband had one and what he chose to do with it.”

“It was a shock for me too. I hadn’t cried since the funeral. I bottled everything up instead of dealing with it.”

“Tell me what happened that day. I heard from Tanner, now I want to hear it from you.”

Not without tears I relayed the entire story back to him—from the time Tanner showed up, all the way through our conversation the other night at the diner. It was very liberating to say out loud and when I was finished, Chaplain Hayes watched me for a few moments before speaking.

“Out of the five stages of grief, anger was the only one I hadn’t seen you display. I think that the argument with Tanner, and subsequent fight with Colin, was exactly what you needed to trigger those emotions. Now we just need to keep you taking steps in the right direction. I think having enough strength to listen to Tanner’s confession was also a very good thing for you. You can offer each other comfort, but there is something else I wonder about.”

“What is that?”

“Was living with Nate the first time you attempted to live on your own?”

“No. I’d moved out of my parents place right after I finished college, when I went to law school.”

“Can you afford a place of your own?”

“Well, yes.”

“Then why are you still living with your brother?”

The question had me stumped. I hadn’t put a lot of thought into moving in with Liam. When he took me home after the funeral I realized that I couldn’t live in the apartment anymore, even if it meant losing my deposit. I stayed with him that first night and never left. I’d never even thought about leaving. At least, not until now.

I shrugged my shoulders. “To be honest, I never really thought about moving out.”

“That’s what I thought. Danielle, you have lost a lot for someone so young. But that’s the thing: you are young. Life isn’t over for you. And while we all want to remember Nate, you need to keep on living. Now, I’m not telling you that by tomorrow you need to be out of your brother’s house, I just think that, realistically, this needs to be the next step for you—if you’re ever going to heal.”

He was right. Liam’s place was a comfort zone for me, just like the office was before. It was a place I could avoid the memories. “I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet.” And I wasn’t.

“Oh, I think you’re more ready than you know. One of these days you’re going to wake up and you’ll just know that it’s time. That’s when you do it.”

“I will.”

We talked for a little while longer, not about anything profound but it was comfortable small talk. The church bells in the distance made me realize that it was almost time for Tanner to pick me up.

“I’m sorry but I have to go. I’m meeting someone.”

“That’s fine,” he said with a smile. “It’s good to see you getting out. Another step in the right direction.”

“Thank you for the coffee, and for listening.”

“You’re welcome. Just remember, I’m here anytime you need me.”

He stood up the same time I did and wrapped me in a hug. “Thank you.”

He released me from the embrace and made sure I had his number programed in my phone before I left the cafe. There was very little traffic and I made good time on my way home.

Thoughts of what Chaplain Hayes said about getting my own place swirled in my head while I waited for Tanner to show up. It wasn’t unreasonable. I just wasn’t ready yet. I knew someday I would be.

Just not right now.

Sometimes the things people say and do in life may surprise you, even when it is you.

It was a Saturday afternoon and with no other plans the workout I’d decided on for the gym should have pushed me to my limit. It should have wiped me out. That wasn’t what happened. One phone call and my focus was gone. Under normal circumstances I would have pushed myself for a good two hours, knowing that I could crash the minute I got home. But as soon as I heard her voice on the line I wanted to fly through it, just to get to see her sooner. My feelings were completely irrational. We’d only just met. Even so, I shortened my workout to hour and ran home to shower and change.

Something changed between us that night at the diner, or at least something changed for me. The one person who had every right to hate me for not pushing harder to get an extra medic on that patrol, was the one telling me it wasn’t my fault. And she made me believe it. Nate’s loss would have been hard to handle no matter the circumstances, but add to that my guilt and the fact that I’d promised to deliver his letter, and it made the whole situation downright harrowing. Doing something simple like going to a movie was going to be good for us.

After getting dressed in a simple green Henley and a pair of jeans, I jumped on the computer to check what was playing. Danielle hadn’t said what type of movies that she liked. I was just relieved to hear she wasn’t going to try and convince me to see a romantic comedy. There were comedies, action, and horror movies all playing. Figuring that comedy was the safest route, I picked one with a start time close to when I was picking her up.

I made sure to clean all the army stuff out of the truck. The other night I wasn’t expecting her to ride with me, however, tonight I was going to make her as comfortable as possible. As I was leaving I saw Colin coming home from the range. He’d been on a three night training stint.

“Hey, man, how was the range?”

“Long. All I want it my bed and some sleep.” He looked me up and down. “You clean up nice, where are you off to?”

“Danielle called. She was going stir-crazy home alone and asked if I’d go see a movie with her.”

He yawned and rubbed at his eyes. “Where’s Marissa? You know what, I’m too tired to care. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

I nodded and watched him walk away. It was easy to forget how exhausting field training was. That was the one benefit of being assigned to the medic training unit—I got nights off, for now at least. When we got closer to deployment, medics were sent out into the field with everyone else to brush up on their combat skills. The easiest way to save lives was to defend them, instead of having to fix them. Excited to get to Danielle’s, I jumped in the truck and headed over. One quick rap on the door and she was there.

“Hey, you answered fast.”

She smiled. “I saw you pull up. I haven’t been back long so I hadn’t had a chance to sit down yet.” The jeans and boots she was wearing made her legs look longer, and added to that the light pink top and she looked beautiful. Not that she wasn’t pretty all of the time, but she definitely knew how to pick clothes that accentuated her looks.

“Got back from where?” I asked and then realized I was being nosy. “Sorry, that’s none of my business.”

“Let me grab my phone and I’ll explain in the car.”

We made our way out to the truck and I opened the door to let her in. Walking around the front, I hopped in on the driver’s side and started the car. “I hope you’re okay seeing a comedy.”