Keep Breathing (6 page)

Suddenly, her shyness returned,
and she quickly handed the bottle back to me, pulling away. She wiped her hands on her skirt, and then rubbed away the mascara streaks from under her gleaming brown eyes.

“I’m sorry.”
She smiled weakly, embarrassed.

“Don’t apologize.”

“I get these attacks. They sneak up on me, and I…I...”

“You don’
t have to explain. I remember.”

She
pressed her lips together and diverted her eyes to study the passers-by for a moment. I said nothing, but waited quietly next to her. When she didn’t continue, I shifted my sight to land on the cars racing by. There were bunches of people who flocked on by, as though nothing had even happened and as though we didn’t even exist. That was okay, though. One thing I liked about Vegas was the way a person could stand in the thick crowds on the Strip and fade away. It was easy to disappear, blend into the faces of tourists, performers and families. It was the place to be someone, and yet be no one, all at the same time, if you wished it. You were forgotten within minutes, anonymity at its finest.

I don
’t know how long we sat there in silence, or what ran through her head as the minutes ticked by. I continued to offer her the water, alternating that with sitting back, and kicking my legs up as I relaxed against the hard wooden bench. I gently rubbed circles on her back, and traced the lumps of her ribs and shoulder blades. My heart raced when she let a small pleasurable moan escape her lips as she succumbed to the touch and let her head dangle forward again, closing her eyes. It sent shivers across my skin, and made me glad I was helping her relax as I watched the crowd ebb and flow.

It was easy to blend in here
, like we’d meant to be there, hanging out, completely at home people watching on the sidewalk. The many surrounding us, oblivious to who we were, passed by us without a second thought. The women were busy adjusting their tight, short skirts and swinging their long, dyed locks over their shoulders, and the men were running their hands through their slicked-back hairdos, dressed to the nines in form-fitting shirts and snug slacks which hugged their asses in ways I was sure was uncomfortable and restrictive. Maybe they were famous, maybe they weren’t. Who knew?

I frowned. I hoped I was looking just as good to
Penny, or I’d have to step it up quite a bit. I wasn’t twenty-one anymore, and I was a little beyond tight clothing. Still, I took care of my body, worked out and tried to eat right. It never occurred to me if I was Penny’s type anymore. Maybe I used to be, but what sort of man did she look for nowadays?

“Jus
t a little longer, I’ll be okay,” she mumbled. A tiny sniffle escaped her, but she didn’t make a move to run for it. The attack had come and gone, leaving behind its damage like a funnel tears a scar across the land and leaves piles of rubble in its wake. Only you couldn’t see the rubble of her spirit, her soul. No, it was covered underneath her pretty exterior, tucked away from the world.

“Take however long you need.”

At that moment, it was the best place in the world, that quiet oblivion, sitting next to Penny. It was enough and all I needed. In a way, it was healing to both of us. My quiet acceptance and patience seemed to baffle her. I caught her curious unbelieving glances as we continued to let the moments tick by. It only left me pondering what was going on inside her head. Pushing my own scattered thoughts to the back of my mind, I breathed in the city’s smells and felt closer to fine. She had just needed more time. This one moment of reassembly was a start. Good thing time was something I had plenty of.

Penny

“WHAT’S THE BIG deal?” Joss flicked her wrist so fast, the hangers clicked as they slammed against each other. Shopping was a therapy for her. It kept her frayed nerves from driving her mad. I, on the other hand, could go mad shopping with her. It took her an hour to find one thing she liked enough to even try on, and then she’d force a shirt or an outfit onto me that I’d never possibly choose to wear and proceed to push me into a dressing stall. Yeah. It was like some kind of torture session, but it was the only time I could get her alone without Leah attached to her since the girl was at school. I needed advice, desperately enough to endure one of these retail therapy sessions.

“What do you mean, ‘What’s the big deal
?’ Haven’t you been listening, Joss?” I groaned, hanging a hideous blouse she had just tossed in my direction back on the sale rack. I blew out a breath, frustrated beyond belief. “I don’t need clothes, I need help. Desperately!”

“That’s for sure.”

“Will you stop?” I shot her a deadly glare, but she waved me away.

“Okay
, Okay. So Seth’s back. From what I take it, he wants you back and badly enough that he’s willing to do whatever it takes. Still, you went out on a date with him, without preparing or letting me know. Bad idea, just so you know. You then embarrassed yourself by losing your nerve to destroy his heart the way he’d done you in and ended up throwing yourself into a panic attack, almost killing yourself in the process by running into traffic on the Strip. Right?”

“Right.”

“I told you, you need help. Seriously. Mental help, a.s.a.p., like a
code red. Stat!
” Her finger waved at me as she held out a hideous skirt, a tight teal pleather number that made me grimace.

“
Grr…. Thanks,” I huffed, rubbing my temples and ready to call it a day. “Pointing out what I already know isn’t helping. Please, Joss, throw me a line. What do I do now?”

Joss sighed
right along with me, making it more obvious as she overtly rolled her eyes. She returned the skirt and flipped through more ridiculous night club wear. She may have been a mom, but she was still young at heart. I think it was the only thing that had saved her sanity when her husband died. “Listen, I get that you don’t know if you want him back. But…really? Six years is a long enough time to hold a grudge. Let. It. Go. I say have fun, take it for what it’s worth. He doesn’t sound like the same guy who smashed your heart to smithereens. He could be overhauled and rehabilitated already, so give him a chance. If it doesn’t work out, hey, at least he was a fine piece of meat to chew on for a little while. Plus, it’s the perfect excuse to end your self-imposed celibacy.”

“I’m not celibate.”

“When’s the last time you got laid?” She tapped her foot madly against the tile floor, and I shoved down the ruffled white blouse she was about to hand me.

Blushing, I turned
to watch a few women standing nearby shake their heads and mutter under their breaths, flashing dirty looks toward us as they moved to the next isle of clothes. “Announce it to the world, please. Joss, you know I don’t date. It’s hard enough finding the right doctor who won’t kill you in this town, let alone someone who isn’t a complete asshole. Don’t be so hard on me. I don’t see you dating either, so get off my case.”

“As a matter of fact,
Penny,
my love
….” Joss’s face flushed strawberry, and she was smiling to herself, about to let me have it. Oh how I dreaded her self-satisfied smile. Crap. So brass for sass.

“What’s this one’s
name?” I winced and rubbed my head, finding a small ottoman at the end of the clothes rack where one could try on shoes or sit in boredom as a significant other shopped until doomsday.

“Adam Matthews
.”

I rolled my eyes. She hadn’t dated much either, but in the last year, she
’d more than made up for it. Another loser to add to the
get back in the game with vengeance
list. The problem I had with it was now I had no excuse to use against her about not dating.

“So is this Adam scoring
on the normal IQ list or did he not quite make it?” I ducked, but Joss’s bag still smacked me on the arm. “Ow! Watch it,
crazy!
” I laughed as she brought it around to smack me again, hitting the rack hard. A pile of pants fell to the floor, slipping off the clips which had held them. “Oh shit!” I ducked, hoping the store clerks weren’t anywhere near us. We giggled as we gathered up the pieces of clothing and snapped them haphazardly onto the hangers. For a moment, I could forget all the wrong going on in our lives and laugh it up.

Once we were done, we were
so flushed from laughing we decided to leave the store before they figured out who had messed up the pants display. Joss always found a way to lighten my mood, even if it was by acting like an immature teen girl.

“As a matter of fact, he’s very intelligent. He’s a child psychologist. Can you believe the patience he must have to talk to
all them messed up kids? I can’t even imagine. I’d want to kill those psychopathic brats in no time.”

“How long have you known him?”

“We met at the Starbucks a couple weeks ago, ‘bout right before the time ol’ Seth waltzed back into your life. Adam did that ‘pay it forward thing,’ bought like the next five people in line their coffees, can you believe that? He even had an extra one in his hand with a muffin, and I actually watched him hand them to some homeless guy sitting outside. Tell me that’s not a winner!” She sighed happily, her eyes glazing over as they flitted back to that day. I forced a smile, even though I was secretly envious of her good luck. My mood souring at the thought of being the only single girl around for miles. I pushed the thought away, knowing full well she deserved happiness after all she’d been through with her husband before he’d died. No one should have to bury their spouse so soon. No one. Especially with a young child in tow.

“You working tomorrow?” Joss interrupted my thoughts, waving me over to the Dairy Queen for a cone.

I shook my head. “No. Mandatory furloughs on Mondays now for half the staff. We rotate each week. Can you believe that? The hospital makes a killing, and they still mess with our wages one way or another.”

Joss handed
me a cone—plain, just the way I liked it. She took a huge bite out of her chocolate-covered ice cream and talked with her mouth full. “That’s just horrible.” Grabbing a napkin, she wiped up the chocolate smeared across her chin. “Who do they think they are?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty bad,
but what can I do? I just need to deal with it. Maybe find a new job.”

“Maybe you
can help Seth with his coffee shops. Didn’t you say he owned several of them?”

“
Now who’s insane? Why would he need my help? I’m not asking him for anything, so forget it.” I licked the dribbles of melting ice cream off my cone and reached over to toss it into the trash receptacle. I wasn’t in the mood for ice cream at the moment.

Joss rolled her eyes again
and shook her head, groaning as though she’d tired of me. I was done with her unhelpfulness—and her shopping therapy, for that matter. I’d gotten nowhere fast.

“You’re so
hardheaded, you know? I’d get a concussion if I head butted you.” She smirked at me and took another lick of chocolate ice cream.

I gave her a c
rass smile and winked. “I know. And I’m damn proud of it, too.”

Penny

THE VIBRATION RESONATED across my comforter, stirring me from my daydreams. The ceiling came back into focus while my eyes stung and made me blink rapidly. It brought prickling tears to my dried out orbits as I briefly wondered what the noise was. I rolled over on my bed and found the phone still going on its endless purring dance across the edge of the blankets before it teetered off, followed by a crack of plastic on the hardwood floor.

“Oh
, crap!” I scurried to the side of my bed and spied my phone on the floor in three pieces. I sighed and scraped up the parts. Stuffing the battery in and the back plate back on, I pressed the power button and waited impatiently as the screen illuminated once more. At least the Gorilla Glass on the smartphone could take a beating. I was constantly dropping it, and it had the dents and nicks to prove it.

Who was calling me at this hour? Maybe it was my job asking me about some case I was working on. Maybe it was Joss calling to ask me to watch Leah again as she went on a date with Adam. Maybe it’d been Seth texting me…

I shook my head and tapped the phone’s screen, but it was still loading. I groaned and let it sit next to me as I waited.

The ceiling fan hummed above me
, and the luxurious breeze it made kept the room feeling refreshing. The heat of the day had worn me out, and my attempt at a nap had been useless. Waiting for the screen to flash back on, I rolled onto my back. Wearing boy shorts and a spaghetti string tank, I was still sweating a swamp and felt a film of stickiness all across my skin. I’d taken a shower earlier, but the heat of a day running errands, paired with the swampy moisture we sometimes got in the valley was unbearable.

The phone chirped in my hand, reminding me why
I was waiting on it. Scanning through the screens to my text messages, my face paled as I read the words. It was a message from Seth.

Got a surprise 4 U, B ready @8pm

Doesn’t anyone write in English anymore? Or call for that matter?
I sighed, and flicked my eyes to the digital clock at the top of the screen. It read 7:35pm.

Sitting up
, I stumbled off the bed, barely catching myself before landing on my bum. Even so, I stubbed my toe on the large wooden bench I had at the foot of the bed, which sent a paralyzing jolt of pain up my leg. Groaning, I hopped over to the bed once more. “Crap, Crap, Crap!”

Biting my lip, I waited momentaril
y as the throbbing pain subsided, rubbing my foot over and over. Finally able to stand, I got back up and hobbled over toward the closet. I flung open the doors, scurrying to find a suitable outfit before I jumped into the shower. I grabbed a pair of jean shorts and a black tank top, hoping he wouldn’t come while I was in the bathroom.

Tossi
ng everything onto the counter before cranking the shower on, I pondered our last encounter and prayed he had a short memory. Did I really want to see him again after that disaster of a date? I supposed so, but why? I felt flustered and made a mad dash to peel my sticky clothes off. One foot was already in the tub when I remembered I hadn’t texted him back. Tiptoeing back to the counter, I grabbed my phone and one-handedly texted as I balanced on one foot, my toe still throbbed like the dickens.

How’s 8:15? I just got up from a nap. In the shower. Sorry.

I tossed the phone onto my clothes and hopped under the spray, squirting shampoo in my hair and soaping up my body before I had even rinsed it all out. Once done, I jumped out, but was already sweating again as I toweled off and hurried to get dressed. I ripped my brush through my hair, working the tiny knots out until it hung like slick, dark snakes over my shoulders. Frowning at my reflection in the mirror, I managed to slap on a thin layer of makeup, mascara and lip-gloss when I heard the doorbell ring.

“Gonna have to do,
” I mumbled. I did a once-over and shook my head at the sopping wet mess of hair dangling over my shoulders. I hoped it would dry in sleek waves and not poof out into a rat’s nest. I was out of time.

The bell echoed
across the walls once more, and I cursed as I dragged my ass to the door, hopping about on my good foot as I slipped my flats on. “One sec!” I yelled out, hoping he had heard me through the thick steel door. Finally, before pulling the locks loose and swinging the door open, I glanced down at my cell phone. 8:10pm. He’s early. Why do men feel they need to be early? It just wasn’t practical for a woman.

“Five more minutes would’ve been nice.”
I hissed, before I caught my annoyance lashing out and clamped my lips shut. My snarkiness often escaped when I was flustered, and I couldn’t let it get the best of me, especially with Seth. For damage control, I pasted on a fake smile to cover it all up. Seth leaned on the frame and had already ignored my snap. Instead, he held up a single yellow rose and threw me a genuine smile.

“What…
what’s this for?” I stuttered and reached up, clasping my trembling fingers around the cool, soft stem.

“It’s not the s
urprise, but it reminded me of you. Beautiful and fragile, but also strong. It just felt right to get you this one rose.” He shifted on his feet as he waited for me to respond. I wasn’t even sure I’d heard him right. Nothing shut me up more than a compliment. I know I should have just said thanks, but Seth had a way of jolting me out of my comforts with just words. How this man always managed to surprise me gnawed at my senses, eroding down that rusty, solid metal wall I had so carefully built. It was somewhat irritating and yet made me stop and rethink for minute. I had to say the right thing before he realized what a fraud I was.

My
charm kicked into overdrive as I upturned the corners of my mouth and batted my eyelids. “I’ll go put it in some water before it withers.” If nothing else, this gave me some time to turn away, my face falling as I took a deep breath.
No more panic attacks, please….
“So what’s the surprise?” I asked, distracting myself by looking for a vase and snapping the stem to shorten it. I heard him shuffle about in the living room as I worked.

“You’ll see.”

I peeked around the counter of my small kitchen bar and watched him as he casually walked around my apartment. He was studying the pictures lined all across the walls in matching frames, carefully placed at even intervals across the room. They were photos of my family, smiling with toothy grins in different scenes of our lives. I had taken most of them myself, but some were by my father, who’d been an avid amateur photographer. There were scenes of different natural landmarks from across the country and endless World’s Biggest—Longest—Smallest—Weirdest monuments. We had traveled a lot on vacations when I was younger, and he had set up his tripod in every single place we’d been. It’d gotten to the point where me and my brother would groan and complain endlessly when he would go about setting up the tripod
. ‘Not another picture!’
we’d bitch and moan.

What would I give to have those annoying moments back?
I turned away, gasping at the rush of memories I’d long suppressed into the tiny, dark cracks of my mind. How could I pass these pictures every day without so much as looking at them anymore? How I could let those moments mean nothing after the years had muffled the sounds of them in the back of my head? I’d put them up for a reason. No matter how hard I’d now thought about it, I couldn’t remember what it had been. What was it?

“
Penny?” Seth’s voice broke through my memories, and the rush of water from the faucet I’d left on pulled me back to the vase on the counter. I snatched the vase and filled it before stuffing the flower into it. “Ready to go?” I said. My heart was racing from everything running through my mind.

“Yep
. These pictures, they’re amazing. Did you take them all?” He eyed me like he wanted to peel the layers off, one by one. Or maybe his assumptions were mounting on who I now was, six fateful years after he’d known me. Maybe, I was just insane to assume anything about this man anymore.

I shook my head and felt a scarlet heat rush across my cheeks. “Some of them are mine.
Some were done by my father.” I walked over to the wall and glanced up at the many pairs of eyes staring back at me. It felt as if I’d never seen these pictures before, and I sighed at the natural beauty surrounding my family.

“Thi
s one was at the Grand Canyon. It was cold as hell on the Northern Rim that day. That one was at Yellowstone National Park, near some of the geysers. Those things reek something fierce!” I gave a small laugh, but cleared my throat as our annual family portrait came next into view. It was the last we’d taken together. The last time my brother, mother and father had stood before that notorious tripod and smiled at the lens, oblivious to the bleakness of the future. The picture was three years old.

I hadn’t spoken to them in that amount of time. I’d cut them off, just like that. Gone from my life.

The sting of tears prickled at my eyes, and I swerved away, heading to grab my purse at the entrance table and checked my drying hair one more time in the ornate silver mirror on the wall above. It was drying well into soft, golden brown spirals which looked like I’d done the style on purpose. Turning the fake smile back on as I shook off the sadness, I faced back toward Seth, who was watching me intently. Once again, I was grateful he didn’t ask many questions and had tucked away the obvious unanswered ones he’d kept from asking.

“Let’s go.”