Keep Breathing (16 page)

Seth

“UM…WHAT DID I
miss?” The red cup was freezing up my hand, even in the heat, as I was left there standing, utterly confused.

“She found out we set her up with you at the fair and wasn’t exactly okay with it.” Joss t
ook another swig of her margarita, emptying the cup as she stood. Her stance wavered a bit, as though she’s had her share of the margarita machine.

“I see.” I closed my eyes, knowing full well how furious
Penny would be. She was never supposed to find out about that. I can’t say we didn’t deserve it, she hated being deceived. “I’m going to head over to her place and see if she’s okay.”

“No
, no… don’t do that.” Joss grabbed my arm, making the soda spill partly onto the grass. “Bad idea. Give her a bit to cool off. She needs some time to herself.”

A crinkling crack of plastic and cold fluid running down my hand made me realize I had smashed the cup I’d been carrying. “Did you tell her?” I asked calmly reining in my disappointment.

Joss huffed, her face screwing up.
“Of course I didn’t tell her! You think I want that kind of wrath on me? Leah let it slip. She didn’t know.”

The margarita was making her moody
, and I sighed, slipping down into the chair Penny had abandoned. Could it be over now? I was so seriously screwed. Penny could hold grudges like the best of them. She’d never forgive me for withholding this from her. I glared angrily at the shimmering waves reflecting the blinding sun off the ripples of water as everyone continued on with their partying, unaware of the turmoil flooding my head.

“I have to fix this somehow.”

Joss sighed, fanning herself. “I’m so sorry. I really didn’t even think that’d come up, ever.”

“Not your fault.”

Heat swept over me as the wind picked up and made my already flushed face hotter. The rush of desolation made me want to smash something. Instead, I gritted my teeth and burned a hole in the grass with my eyes. It’d been going so well with Penny, and I’d finally believed it could actually work this time. Each painstaking moment I had planned to win her over again had all gone swirling down the toilet so quickly, I was left with nothing but tattered shreds of a tapestry I’d worked so hard to put together. How had these few steps forward turn into a huge fall back?

Jumping to my feet
, I rushed out of the backyard party, tossing the crushed cup into the trash and wiping the remnants of the drink on my shirt. I had to get my head together and figure out how to salvage what was left. There had to be some way to get Penny to see how innocent it had all been. There was nothing more I wanted than to hold her in my arms again and smell her intoxicating scent until I passed out after making mad love to her over and over. I needed her more than she’d ever know, but I was willing to spend all my life letting her know just how much.

Reaching her apartment, I’d let the knock resonate into dullness before I tried again. She wasn’t here. She hadn’t made it home. Her cell clicked to voicemail immediately making me think she’d shut the damn thing off.

I waited forever on her steps until the heat started overwhelming me, even in the shade. I was sweating like a workhorse, yet still no Penny to be seen. I hoped she was okay. I left her an array of apologies and proclamations of love to make up for it all. I’d do anything she asked, if only she’d call me back.

There was no return call. She didn’t show up either. Where had she gone?

The heat drove me into my car and back towards home. Cam was at his Grandma’s today, off to enjoy a festive fireworks show with her many business partners. I was hoping he was behaving himself, but she always had a way of keeping him in check.

At least I didn’t have to worry about them.

I knew I’d just have to give her some space, though it was the last thing I wanted to do. She needed to think it through right now, I could feel it. Sooner or later I’d cave in and call her or just show up randomly like a lost puppy at her doorstep—that’s how far gone I was. I just hoped that when I did get to see her again, she’d be willing to reason with me, and it wouldn’t be too late.

I couldn’t lose her
again
. It would be nearly impossible to survive.

Penny

THE TELEVISION DRONED
on and on, but I wasn’t really watching it. The hypnotic effect it had on me gave me the opportunity to disappear from the world as I lay under my favorite patchwork quilt with the AC turned to icy cold and an array of fast food wrappers and empty cups strewn across my coffee table. I hadn’t returned to my apartment until days later. I’d found myself at my childhood home, across the valley, and opening the door with the key I’d found still hidden under the pot of an aloe plant next to the front door. The sight of my childhood home sent an avalanche of the past slamming into me.

“Andrew?” My mother’s tiny voice had echoed across the hall once I slipped in.

“No, Mom. It’s Penny.”

“Penny?” She peeked around the corner, her large brown eyes taking me in as a shiny film of tears began forming in them. “Is it really you?”

“Yes, Mom.”

She’d rushed me, careful so she wouldn’t
knock me over as she squeezed the breath from my chest. Her familiar Lilac and honeysuckle scent filled my nostrils and the rush of memories had overwhelmed me to the point that all I could do was hold on. Hold on until the struggle to breathe had faded and the tears had finally slowed down.

“What’s wrong, honey?” She pushed my disheveled hair away and smiled. I missed that smile, those kind eyes. Why had I not visited in so long? Why had I avoided them like the plague?
They didn’t even know where I lived anymore, that was how far I had cut them off.

The answer eluded
me with only a faint flash of fury on my part when I told them I didn’t agree with their decision to sell the house I’d grown up in and put away Lindsay’s things for good. It was the only place she had lived, the only place she was still real for me. I’d become so angry, I’d stormed off and refused to see them or take their calls. Eventually, the days had turned into weeks, months, and then years with no word from me.

I hadn’t known if they had sold the house or not, but the moment I had reached the house and stared at the rose bushes my mother so meticulously kept alive through harsh summers and frozen winters,
her thriving garden looking vibrant green through the side yard gate, I knew they were still here. They hadn’t sold the house. They hadn’t let us go…

After days of catching up, early breakfasts and telling them about my job and disaster of a love life, I’d finally gone home. I’d never felt better or worse, but it’d been
therapeutic in a way to see my mother, father and occasionally, my brother Andrew, who still lived with my parents. I’d slept in my old room, the guest room, void of much of me since I’d taken everything with me when I moved into my own place. Still, it felt like the only safe harbor I’d had in a very long time. Somehow, staying there, speaking to my family again helped me return to my disarray of a life.

Back at my apartment, the numbness had seeped in again and I’d found myself staring at the television for days and bribing a teen neighbor to get me takeout whenever they waltzed down the street with their friends for tacos or burgers. My living room was a wasteland of wrappers,
and old cans of coke making the stale smell grow stronger. I’d lived in my pajamas and had pulled the curtains closed. I refused to emerge and spent the days rolling over in my bed as I slept the hours away.

Snapping awake from dozing off yet again, I groaned
and shifted from my warm spot on the couch, a permanent indention now worn into the material. My skin felt sticky, even with the freezing AC going, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. My hair was stringy, and my scalp was starting to itch. Barely dragging my feet to my room, I grabbed a fresh outfit to wear to bed and drew a scorching hot bath, along with a gallon of bath bubbles. I was going to have to soak to get the film off me, and maybe I’d drown in the water while I was at it. Yep, the world felt so bleak, I couldn’t have cared less if it was burning outside my window at that instant. I was a social pariah, happy to wallow in my misery forever more.

The water
made the gooseflesh ripple across my skin from how hot it was. I let myself sink into the Roman tub until my head bobbed just underneath the surface. I held my breath and relished the silence. The scene back at Joss’s party repeated itself over and over in my head. So did the day Seth had ridden with me on the Ferris wheel after supposedly showing up out of nowhere. I thought back to Leah letting it slip that they’d seen him prior to the fair and that he’d spoken with Joss extensively about me. More flashes hit me, and I saw Seth’s sexy body hovering over mine, his musky scent mixed with sex and sweat as we made love, and, to top it all, me furiously tossing my hospital badge onto Marianne’s desk before declaring that she could take the job and shove it so far up her ass, she might find the devil lurking inside there before marching out all haughty and steaming.

My life was a messed up
, choose-your-own-adventure which was chopped into so many screwed up scenes, I had no idea which page to turn to. I hated the situation, loathed Seth, Joss and definitely despised Marianne and Thomas at work for fucking up my perfect life. Okay, so it wasn’t so perfect, and quite frankly, it’d been a long string of boring, which I had tried to pass off as my life. I wasn’t actually angry I’d left my job, I was angry I had let this circus go on for so long. It was all my fault that everything had happened the way it had, really. I should’ve known better. No one’s fault, but my own.

Popping up from under the water, I sucked in a breath, feeling lightheaded from the excessive heat. I added some cooler water until it felt a bit more tolerable and started the task of scrubbing
the filth off my skin.

After my bath,
I slumped onto the bed, hoping to pass out right away. I wasn’t ready to emerge into the real world and Lord only knew what it would take to forgive Joss and Seth. Would I forgive them? I groaned and stuffed a pillow over my head, mad that I wanted to forgive them already. Not being able to hold onto my grudge—something I’d never had a problem doing in the past—was irritating. But, that was good, right? Maybe for them. They were lucky I loved them. Or maybe I was the lucky one.

I blinked away tears until I finally fell asleep, delighting in a sudden, calming revelation which took the tightness from my chest away with one, swift
whoosh. I knew full well that they weren’t the only lucky ones—they weren’t the ones who needed me like a breath of air. No, it was me. Not Seth, who stellarly broke my heart. Not Joss, who watched me like a worried mother. It was me… I was the one being saved.

The doorbell rang
, but before I could answer it, I heard a key turning in the lock and Joss walked right in. She was the only person who had a key to my apartment, so why was I even surprised to see her? I was furious she had the gall to even come to my place, even though she’d given me my space, I knew she wouldn’t wait forever to try to talk me out of my slump.

She waltzed into my room
, and I watched the distress pass through Joss’s features. It screwed up her pretty face and made me want to just jump up, grab her, pull her close and wipe all those worries away. She was like a sister to me, even if we were cousins. She was my best friend, my only friend and I was glad she was here. Even though she’d crossed a line, and I didn’t know how to forgive her for it yet, I had missed her greatly.

Joss’
s eyes narrowed, watching me as they casted a more determined, dark look across her face. I’d never seen her like that, ever.

“I’ve been calling you.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“And
Seth… he’s been calling you too.”

“Don’t even talk to me about
Seth.”

Joss frowned, her face flushed
from the heat outside. I was pretty sure she was fuming at me, too, and restraining herself from choking the living shit out of me. The thought brought a weak, glum smile to my face.

“Look at me,
Penny. Really look at me, please.” She leaned forward, making me cross my arms and stare at the ceiling. She sighed loudly before slumping down on the other side of my bed. The silence between us was thick, neither of us wanting to relent. “You can’t hold on to demons like this.
Let it go
. The past doesn’t define me. It’s just a place I’ve been…
we’ve been
. You let it haunt you, like some restless ghost that screams in your head at every waking moment. Why do you let it paralyze you until you can’t remember what you really want? Don’t do this, Penny. Don’t let it win.”

I shifted and flicked
my piercing stare from one of her deep brown eyes to the other, hoping to find the answers within them. “How?” I whispered as my voice choked, deep in my chest. “How do I let go?”

She appeared
relieved by my answer. “It’s not something anyone knows how to do. You just breathe. You get up each day, smile, take in the precious things all around you. Enjoy them with every fiber of your being.” Her words prickled my skin as she spoke. “Most of all, you have to love passionately and let yourself be loved just as much. You know I never meant to hurt you. I did it all out of love for you, and by not telling you what I was up to, I made you angry. I get it. But…get over it, already. He loves you, I love you. Don’t push us away. I’m sorry if I did this behind your back, but you have to come back to us.”

L
istening to her drone on and on about life, sorrow, tragedy, about the way things sometimes go and how they aren’t under our control and yada, yada, I laughed out loud.

Joss screeched to a halt, her
eyes wild, wide and confused. My giggling continued, bringing my fair complexion to a cherry red tone for sure. In the end, it wasn’t a game, but my own unwillingness to see what was so extremely obvious in front of me this entire time.

“
Penny?”

My laughter choked out into
a fit of coughing before I managed to clear my throat and peek at her. She inched closer to me, asking me if I was okay and if I needed anything. Boy, would she regret asking me such a thing. For now, there was only one thing I wanted.

“Yes, I do need something
,”

“What
is it?”

“Don’t get me wrong, none of this is funny. I just realized that despite
your conniving intentions and your obvious ignorance of my feelings about all this, I don’t care.”

“You don’t care?” Her
eyebrows twitched, not understanding me. “You don’t care about what exactly?”

“About all
this
. It’s stupid to stay mad at you. I care about you, about Seth, Cam and Leah. So in all that, no matter how crazy it was of you and him to think that I could be fooled so easily without consequences, it doesn’t matter anymore. I love him. I know that now. I forgive you both. I just had to stew over it. You’re the one who always says to never forget the people around you who cherish you the most, because in one second, they could be gone.”

The look
she gave me was all I could ever ask for. It was brilliant, like a sun bursting through the morning dullness, bringing life and light to every living thing which needed it. She was always my sunshine, even when her eyes were shiny with the wetness of unshed tears. I reached out, yanking her into my embrace and squeezing her.

“You know, that wasn’
t very cool, though.”

She nodded
, laughing and sobbing all at the same time. “I’ll try to be cooler next time.”

“Love you
, Joss.”

“I love you back,
Penny.”