Keep Breathing (10 page)

“Penny?”

“I…I…”

Who was I to judge so harshly? Who was I to think I couldn’t break hearts? I’d done it and hadn’t even realized it
, over and over. How foolish was I to think I hadn’t? To all those exes, however brief our tenderness had been, I’d taken their hearts and pulverized them before my clothes had even hit the floor, just so I could be the first to run. So why, now that I’d wanted to intentionally do it to someone, to Seth, did I find myself frozen and unable to say what I wanted from him? Even if it was supposed to just be an act, I’d turned into a stuttering fool.

I was a hypocrite…more broken than Seth could ever be.

“I don’t know,” I finally mumbled.

His fingers traced
up my arm until they met my collarbone, slowly touching the smooth, rounded bone jetting out near my shoulder. It had sent shivers all the way down my body, and I could feel the hairs standing on end, betraying how good it felt in every little pore. I pulled away, and the pain flashing in his eyes was overwhelming, too much to bear.

“I’m sorry,
” I said, “I really have to go.”

“Wait
.” I paused at the single word, and he gripped my hands, cupping them as if they were precious metal.

“What is it?
”

“I’m driving you home. I picked you up
. You don’t have a car here.”

“That won’t be necessary.” I pull
ed at the door, but he didn’t let go. Instead, he reached over to the entryway table and snatched a set of keys.

“Then b
orrow my car. I’ll pick it up later, whenever you want me to.”

It was no use fighting him. The determination was obvious in his tense jaw and firm look.
Ripping my eyes from his, I relented and took the jingling set of keys. Swinging the door open, I ran down the driveway of his place toward his car. It wasn’t until I sat in the driver’s seat, cranked the starter, peeled out and pulled onto the main street that I realized I was crying. Hot, fat tears poured down my cheeks, and I made myself pull over before I ended up smashing into another car. I let them fall, splashing down my tank and onto my shorts, leaving enormous wet spots all over it. My body shook, heaving out the hurt of every broken love I’d ever experienced. I cried for the ones I’d pushed far, far away without a second thought to why I’d done so. I let each tear drop for the ones who had gotten away and the ones I had shoved away.

Las
t, but not least, I let my broken heart resurface, and cried for the love I’d given Seth so willingly, so long ago. I’d been satisfied having just a corner of his heart before, but now I wasn’t sure if I wanted the entirety of his heart or to run from him faster than I’d ever run before. I’d have to decide whether to take all of him or nothing at all. This game of breaking hearts was not one I could play. It was a hot, bittersweet taste on my tongue, but I had to be one hundred percent positive that I could live through the consequences, whatever I decided.

Nothing ever
seemed to get any easier, even when the cards were in my hand this time.

Seth

WHAT HAD I done wrong? I watched Penny slip out of my hands again as she slammed the gas and screeched out of my driveway. She took my heart with her, and it felt as if it’d been ripped out. Is that how she felt when I’d hurt her so many years ago? If so, I knew I could never make it up to her.

The
night before had been a dream come alive, and her scent lingered on my skin still. It was intoxicating, like sweet opium that seductively whispered in my ears as it taunted my nostrils and played back the memories of the night before over and over in my brain. After locking the door, I had sat on my couch and stared vacantly at the television, not really noting what was on, but the white noise helped me wallow in my thoughts.

Penny was everything I thought she would be. Touching her over and over again and tasting her flesh was like h
eaven on earth. I had to have her again. Once more, I wished I hadn’t been such a fool so many years ago. Any man could see what a treasure she was. It made me grab a pillow off the sofa and throw it at the television. I didn’t want to watch TV. I didn’t want to talk to anyone either. I knew what I wanted, and it was the one thing I couldn’t seem to have.

Penny.

My face in my hands, I felt the pain in my chest cramp up as I took in a deep breath. I hoped she made it home alright. Her stubbornness was apparent, and I knew she’d refuse me driving her with that wild look in her eyes. Still, I worried that in her current emotional state of mind, she’d do something erratic.

I sighed and leaned back against the cushion of the sofa. I’d woken up early to make her the most extravagant breakfast I could muster and had cherished each bit she’d taken. At least I got to feed her some, she was so thin. Much thinner than she’d been in college. Maybe her job was stressful. She wasn’t the kind
who would have an eating disorder, but she was the type to forget to eat when things got hectic.

My concern for her welled up as
the thoughts continued. I had to stop thinking or I’d lose
my
mind. Trying to occupy myself by cleaning up, I scraped the remains of our breakfast into the garbage and washed the dishes. My house was tidy, but not immaculate. The silence was deafening, but I pushed Penny from my mind. There were other things pressing.

My cell vibrated on the kitchen counter
, and I swiped the screen when I saw who it was.

“Hello.”

“Hey there, Seth!”

“Everything well?”

“Couldn’t be more wonderful.”

“How’s Cameron?”

“He’s doing fabulous! We’ll be back tomorrow, but the reason I’m calling is because we’re cutting our next trip short. We have some business to attend to in our stores in Texas before the fourth. We have to get the store organized for the holiday, and then we’ll come back and get Cam for the holiday weekend. Is it okay if we bring him home early? It will be on Friday instead of Sunday.”

I frowned, rubbing my hair as I thought about the news. Cameron
had been with his grandparents for a couple weeks, and I hadn’t scheduled a sitter for that particular weekend. I’d be working the entire time. This wasn’t good news, but at least I might have some time to find a sitter. Cameron’s mother’s parents loved having him with them as often as they could. Even though they were of retirement age, they still ran several Southwestern accessory and clothing stores across the United States.

“Yeah, of course. I’ll see if his regular sitter is available.”

“Great! We’ll see you in a few days. Really sorry about that, I know how your business is picking up, too.”

“Yeah it’s been crazy busy.”

“That’s great. Glad to hear that.”

“Thanks for letting me know.”

“You take care dear.”

The call ended
, and I quietly studied the room. I had to work later that day, but in the meantime, I had to work through my relentless agitation somehow. Throwing on some swim shorts, I headed to the indoor pool. The sparkling water beckoned and reminded me how I’d hoped to show it to Penny before she’d left. My life was blessed in so many ways, except in love, and I felt the pangs of loneliness hit me like a freight train as I jumped into the water for a workout swimming laps. At least I could numb my mind from it all for a while.

Maybe one day Penny would be
there with me, enjoying the fruits of all my tireless labor. It was going to take more to win her back than I could’ve ever imagined, but I’d do whatever it took, however long it took to fix what had gone wrong with us so long ago. I had to keep on, keep breathing and take each day as it came because with Penny, it was worth every moment, every waking hour, and every labor.

Surfacing for air,
I watched the waves ripple through the water while an idea formed in my head. If I couldn’t woo her back with just courtesy and patience, I’d have to up my antics so she’d realize just how dedicated I was to making her happy.

Swi
mming to the edge of the pool, I hoisted myself out and grabbed a towel to dry off. With a renewed sense of purpose, I hit the showers and dressed for the day, knowing that things would work out, sooner or later and nothing was impossible. Penny’s walls weren’t completely impenetrable, it was just fear holding her back, and I couldn’t blame her one bit. If I’d been on her side of the situation, I’d have done the same. Her face pressed against the back of my eyes as I rinsed the chlorine away and scrubbed off the pool water. Nothing compared to the high of being near her, kissing her body, making her moan in pleasure. I knew she had liked it too, knew that her body had turned into putty under my touch, as I had, too. It was useless to resist each other when in proximity. I had to make sure to be near her as much as she’d let me. Maybe then we could work out the knots that the past had left us to deal with.

Penny

“YOU DID WHAT?”

I groaned, Jos
s’s high-pitched voice echoed in my ear, and I tilted my head toward her, lips firm and ready to take her coming assault.
Here we go again….

“What were you thinking? You sle
pt with him, and then you ran away like a frightened kitty when he makes you breakfast and treats you like a queen? What the hell is the matter with you?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty nuts to not want to get my heart shattered again by my first love who
m, might I remind you, in case you’ve forgotten already, smashed it to smithereens without a second thought. Pretty insane if you tell me.” I huffed, grabbing the remote to her gigantic flat screen, and aggressively started flipping the channels. Nothing good was on, nothing but daytime TV and overdone rom-coms recycling through the movie channels.

“
Okay, alright.” She plopped down beside me, making the couch shake under us. “I get that he screwed you over in college. But come on, Penny. That was years ago. Maybe he’s changed. I saw him at the fair. Definite improvement in the physical department, no? He could’ve changed since then. Looked pretty interested in you, if you ask me. He could be good for a romp or two at least.”

“It’s not all about sex, Joss
,” I hissed. I dropped the remote, letting it clatter onto the wooden coffee table. Huffing out an exasperated breath, I leaned against the back of the sofa, never wanting to pull my hair out more than at that moment. Why does love have to be so complicated? Not like there wasn’t enough messes in life without adding to it.

“I know
that, but it’s a definite plus. You can’t tell me you miss that horrible dry spell, can you?” She laughed and retrieved the remote, flipping the TV to a long-running soap that I couldn’t stand and loathed with every cell of my body, but she loved in an unnatural way.

“No, but still…
.”

“But
nothing. Look. He made you
breakfast
. He told you he’s sorry and was an ass and would do anything to win you back. Well, I’m sure he has his work cut out for him, but why not enjoy it for what it is? Come on, Penny! What happened to you? You’re no fun anymore. Use him if you want, not like he’s being a jerk or anything. Your choices are dismal right now. Just have fun.”

“Hey!” I cried out, shaking my head as I jumped up. “You’re not helping.”

“Sorry, but it’s true.”

“I’m not fun? I’m very busy, by the way. I have a
successful career, and I worked all hours to get where I’m at. Don’t forget it.” I paced the room, tugging on a strand of hair as I again let Seth run through my mind. Joss’s shag green carpet was soft under my feet, but it did nothing to cure my restlessness.

“I know
, sweetie, but you need to have fun, too. Maybe that’s all this is, you need to learn to enjoy it, no matter what. If it gets to a better place, then so be it. If not, well, it was worth the ride. That’s all I’m saying.” Joss sighed, picking up the espresso coffee she’d just made from a home espresso machine, and took a sip. Mine sat cold, abandoned on the table.

“You really
think so? Just have a good time, and if he decides to be a jerk again, just brush him off?”

She nodded. A
mouthful of drink scalded her tongue as she waved her hand around. “Yes!”

I made my way to sit next to her again, my eyes pleading as I waited for her to continue.
I needed advice in a bad way so clinging to every word she said was my only option. “I don’t know if I can do it. What if things go wrong again? What if he cheats on me? Maybe he’s putting up a really good front. I just can’t let him break my heart again. It’ll kill me…”

Her warm hands found mine
, and her motherly smile emerged. Giving them a pat, she pulled me in for a tight hug. “You can do it. Just let things go. Let things happen. You can’t always control the world. Trying to will only make you miserable and paranoid. Just let go. Sometimes our hearts break, it’s inevitable. Look at me, I had the love of the most amazing man and I ended up losing him anyway. I wouldn’t trade our time on earth for anything else. Love is worth it, no matter how short our time is with it, it’s worth it. It’s the only thing that’s worth the effort. The memories it leaves us with will be enough to relish for the rest of our lives. Nothing lasts forever, but what it gives us will be with us until we die. It’s better to try than to never be able to say you gave it a shot. Don’t forget.”

I sighed,
relaxing as her words sunk in and I inhaled the faint scent of magnolia emitting from her skin. I always found it weird how she got me all worked up and could just as easily calm me down.

“Okay. I’ll do it. He’s been texting me all morning. Should I answer back
now, or should I wait and make him sweat it out some more?”

“Oh, honey, h
e’s already sweating.” She winked and took another swig of coffee. “Text him. At least he texted you right away. Adam didn’t even call the night after.” Her voice choked at the mention of her latest flame.

My head snapped up
, and I eyed her, noting the stilted sadness in her expression. “No…what the hell? I’m so sorry…maybe he’s busy.”

“Maybe.” S
he shrugged and snuggled back against the cushions. “Aren’t they always? Too busy working, hanging with pals, busy doing this or that…who the fuck cares? I don’t. There are manlier men than him, if you know what I mean. No one is too busy to text or call. It’s the worst, nonexistent excuse in the world. Next!” She winked, and her smile flashed back on, like a light switch flipped up once more, moving on like nothing could keep her down. She was like that, usually, nothing could darken her mood for long. Not after losing Will. Nothing could be worse than that. Not even a negligent love interest.

“Hey,” I offered. It was my turn to give her reassurance. “You’re right.
Did you a favor and got rid of his sorry ass before you had to.” We blinked at each other, shiny tears on our eyes before we busted out laughing until we were both hiccupping from the exertion. Afterward, the silence embraced us and we sat, calm and momentarily happy, just us two, like always. As we snuggled and listened to the drone of the soap opera, I was relieved to have found the one good thing about the soaps—they reminded me how nice it was to be drama free. Maybe not completely drama free, but compared to them, our lives were much more pleasant.