In A Heartbeat (The Shameful Regret Series) (11 page)

Watching Shameful Regret practice and hanging out with the
guys afterwards has become routine, and now that Wade has filled the other two
in on my “wicked ass cooking skills” we aren’t allowed to have takeout anymore.
I’ve actually come to love spending time with Wade, Seth and Marcus in the
evenings, but I enjoy the quiet time after the guys leave so that Connor and I
have time to get to know each other a little better. His possessive tendencies
are less when we are on our own, and he seems to let his guard down a little.

Connor is still intense, even when we are alone. My heart
and body always seem to be on high alert when he is around. Tingles run up my
spine when he walks into a room. I can sense him before I see or hear him. My
heartbeat picks up at just the sound of his voice. It’s like my heart is calling
out to him.

Every time he kisses me or touches me, my body aches for
more. I am beginning to want him more and more. The fear that used to overcome
me is starting to slowly dissipate. I’m not having flashes of the terror that I
had before when Connor would touch me in a certain way. He also seems more
aware of how he touches me. Since that morning after he stayed with me, Connor
has been trying to push our physical relationship, but only little by little.
He told me that he respects my “virginity.” I haven’t told him anything to make
him think I’m not a virgin. I can’t bring myself to tell him about my past. The
dreams have stopped coming at night, and for the first time in my life, I feel
like I want to move on and put the past behind me. I don’t want Connor to know
because I’m afraid that if he does find out what happened, that he will be
disgusted with me and not want me. I desperately want him to want me.

I’m cleaning up the mess of a kitchen that is in Connor’s
apartment after dinner. I swear Wade and Seth are worse than children. They
took off back downstairs to mess with the their instruments as soon as they
finished eating. Marcus and Connor insisted on staying behind to help clean,
but I told them that they would just get in my way more, especially with Connor
not being able to go more than a few minutes without touching me in some way if
he is in the same room as me. I sent them back downstairs to work on one of the
new songs that they are having trouble getting right. Connor says he can’t seem
to get the lyrics to work with the beat. I don’t quite understand how they come
up with their songs, but I think that their current project already sounds
amazing.

I have my iPod in my back pocket with my earbuds in while
I’m cleaning. I’m dancing around the kitchen singing along to my
Heart’s
Greatest Hits Album
, and I’m leading right into the second refrain of
Alone
when Seth startles me by grabbing waist and swinging me around as he sings
along.

Seth swats my ass after I shriek and elbow him in the ribs.
“Damn girl, I need to learn to watch out for you!” He grunts. “We heard you
singing up here, and I had to check it out!”

“You scared the shit out of me! Don’t ever do that again!” I
glare at him shaking my kitchen towel at him, pulling my earbuds out. “What do
you mean you heard me?” I’m embarrassed. I thought they were practicing, and
couldn’t hear me, even though I left the door at the top of the stairwell
leading down to the garage open.

“Nae-Nae, you have a great voice. You should come sing back
up for me. I’d love to get you alone, but I’m pretty sure that Connor would
murder me dead.” Seth cocks a sly grin at me. “I was just coming up for another
enchilada. Any left?” he asks patting his flat stomach.

I smile. Seth is such a flirt. He knows that it pisses
Connor off when he messes with me, much like it does when Wade gets flirty and
grabby with me, but I know they are harmless. “No, dear, you guys ate it all. I
was hoping to have some leftovers to take to work tomorrow for lunch. Pigs!” I
try to hit him with the dishtowel, but he’s just out of reach now.

The sound of Sly’s ringtone chiming on my phone draws my
attention away from Seth pouting like a five year old. I look at the clock on
the microwave, it’s only 8 PM. He’s on duty for the next forty-eight hours, so
it’s unusual for him to be calling me. He never calls me when he is on duty.
I’m instantly worried. “What’s wrong?” I quickly answer. Seth stops his
rummaging around the kitchen, looking my direction when he hears the concern in
my voice.

“It’s Mom. She’s had a heart attack. They are taking her in
now for emergency bypass surgery. I need you here, Lynae.” Sly’s voice sounds
anxious and scared.

Sly’s dad left when he was little, so he grew up with only
his mom, and she is his world. Gina is a wonderful woman. When Momma died, she
stepped in to help take care of Daddy and I, and made sure that I had a woman
around to talk to if I needed anything. Of course, with me not dating, I really
didn’t need womanly advice, but Gina was always there for me. She is as much a
part of my family as Daddy is.

“Oh my God! Sly!” I sit down at the kitchen bar on one of
the stools. “Gina will be fine. I know it. She’s a strong woman. I’ll leave
tonight. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I look up to see Seth walking quickly
down the stairs calling Connor’s name. “I’m at Connor’s, I have to run by my
place to grab some clothes, but I’ll be there in few hours.”

“It’s late, just come first thing in the morning. I don’t
want you driving this late after working all day.” Sly says sternly.

Shaking my head even though I know he can’t see me through
the phone, I get up to find my shoes and grab my purse off the couch. “I’m
leaving now. I’m coming tonight. I’ll be fine. Coffee is my friend.”

As I’m getting ready to head towards the stairs to leave,
Connor strides towards me, taking the phone out of my hand. “Sly, what’s
wrong?” I’m irritated at Connor for butting in, but when I see his concerned
expression, I let my ire go a little. I watch him listen, nodding his head. I
can’t hear what Sly is saying. Connor listens for a few minutes then responds,
“I’ll drive her out there. Yes, I agree that she doesn’t need to be heading out
alone tonight, I’ll drive.” He looks at me standing there with my arms crossed
over my chest tapping my foot. “I’m sorry to hear about your mom, but we’ll be
there soon. Let us know how things go.” He pauses to let Sly say something.
“Alright man, don’t worry, I got her, you worry about your mom. I’ll call you
when we get closer to town.” Connor ends the call, then hands my phone back to
me.

“I am perfectly capable of driving myself to Birmingham, you
know.” I glare at Connor.

“Sweetness, I know that. I also know that you didn’t get to
bed until close midnight last night, you got up at the ass crack of dawn this
morning, and that it’s a long drive out there. I’m going with you. End of
story.” Connor walks past me into his bedroom. I stay standing in the living
room watching him. He’s grabbing a duffle bag and is stuffing clothes into it.
“And don’t give me that look either. Sly loves you and wants you to be safe and
I lo-“ he stops himself, “And I want to make sure you get there ok. Besides, I
slept most of the day anyway.”

I’m at a loss for words. What was he about to say to me? I
know that I’ve been feeling my heart open up to him, but there is no way he
could possibly think he feels that strongly for me. I shake it off; I don’t
have time to think about that right now. Sly needs me. He’s right, I’m already
exhausted and I’m not really up to driving several hours alone in the dark.
“Fine. But we are taking my car, and I’m driving the first few hours. Hurry up,
I need to go get some clothes for myself too.”

I send a quick text to Michelle and Gabbi letting them know
what’s going on while Connor drives us back over to my apartment. Then I call
Carmen, my nurse manager to tell her that I’ll be needing a few days off to
attend to a family situation out of town. Luckily Carmen is super
understanding, and two of our doctors are on vacation. It’s been pretty slow in
the lab, so it won’t be any trouble for me to take some time.

I run up the stairs to my apartment bursting through the
door. As I head into my room to get my things together, I hear Connor opening
and closing cabinets in the kitchen. I quickly throw a few pairs of shorts,
some camis, and underwear in my weekender bag then run in the bathroom to pack
my toiletries. My mind is racing as I run around my room trying to make sure
I’m not forgetting anything. I guess Connor and I will just stay in Sly’s
living room while we are in town. He told me a few weeks ago about his new
roommate, a paramedic that works at the fire department, was staying in his
guest room until he could find his own apartment. If Connor doesn’t want to do
that, then we could always go to a hotel. I’m not sure how comfortable I would
be staying in a hotel with him, but he did stay the night in my bed a few weeks
ago, so really, what’s the difference?
Get it together Lynae!
I’m going
to be there for Sly and Gina, not some romantic holiday.

“Babe, I think I got this coffee thing working right, I’m
not sure, but I grabbed some snacks too.” Connor calls out from the kitchen.

I have to laugh to myself at the idea of Connor trying to
work my Keurig coffee maker. He’s trying to be thoughtful even though I was a
bit bitchy towards him back at his place when he first insisted that he was
coming with me, or rather taking me. “Thanks, hun.” I yell back to him from the
bathroom. I shut my mouth quickly when I realize that I responded with a term
of endearment to him. He’s been calling me “Babe” or “Sweetness” since he first
met me, but I’ve not done that much before, and I hope he doesn’t notice. His
bellowing laughter tells me that he did notice.

“Hun? I like it! Now come on.” He walks into my room, picks
up my bag from my bed then holds his hand out for me. “I’ll let you drive for
the first hour or two, but the minute you start to feel tired, let me know. I’m
used to running on not much sleep.” Connor leads me out of my bedroom to the
kitchen. I notice that he has filled one of my tote bags with a box of cookies,
a large ziplock bag of gummy bears and some chips. “I know your sweet tooth,
and I don’t think there will be any stores open on the way for food. I hope I
fixed your coffee right, Babe.” He kisses me on the top of the head then goes
to grab some sodas from the fridge.

I feel lucky to have Connor in my life right now. He is
caring, thoughtful and seems like he wants to keep me safe. Another little
piece of the wall around my heart breaks off with his actions. Until just a few
weeks ago, my nights were spent alone during the week, and the weekend nights
too. Yeah, I saw Michelle every Saturday morning for our runs, but she was
always going out on dates just like Gabbi. Sly would come into town as often as
he could, but that gets expensive. Now I have Connor and I even claim the rest
of Shameful Regret as part of my circle of friends that I see everyday.

“Come on, Sweetness. Let’s go.” Connor takes my bag from me
and the bag of snacks and drinks he put together to carry down to my car. I add
cream and sweetener to my coffee before following him out the door. It’s going
to be a long drive. I’m really glad he is coming with me. I wouldn’t be looking
forward to several hours alone in my car with only my singing to try to keep me
awake.

The drive to Birmingham was pretty uneventful. I only
convinced Connor to let me drive for about three hours before he made me stop
for him to take over. I’m actually glad that I did, because I ended up falling
asleep almost as soon as I buckled my seatbelt in the passenger side. I wake up
to Connor gently rubbing my thigh. “Babe, we’re about thirty minutes outside of
town. I need you to call Sly to see if he’s still at the hospital.”

I look over at Connor. He looks tired, but still looks
absolutely gorgeous. He didn’t shave yesterday morning, so his stubble is even
thicker now. It makes him look dark and dangerous, much like he looked the
first night I saw him. “Hi.” I mumble sleepily. I uncurl my legs and stretch my
arms above my head; my shirt rides up exposing my midriff. Connor moves his
hand from my thigh to my abdomen, pulling my shirt back down. His eyes look
heated when he glances over at me.

“Sweetness, don’t distract me like that when I’m driving.”
He smirks. “I don’t want us to end up in the hospital right along with Gina.”

I chuckle as I raise my seat back to a sitting position. I
pull my cell phone out of my purse to call Sly. He picks up on the second ring.
“Hey, baby girl.” He sounds exhausted. “Mom came out of surgery ok, she’s in
the ICU now.” Sly says through a muffled yawn.

“Why don’t you head on back to the house? We can meet you
there.” I tell him. “It sounds like you could use the rest.” I can just picture
him sitting in the cramped waiting room chairs, afraid to leave in case
something happened to Gina. He’s just as stubborn as I am.

Sly yawns again. “No. I’m good. One of the nurses brought me
a pillow and a blanket. I slept for the past four hours on the couch in the
lobby. You two can come see her, then we will head home. Johnson is off today,
so he’ll be asleep in the spare room when we get there, but you and Connor can
crash in my room. I’ll take the couch.” I can hear him groan as he stretches.
“And I’m not taking no for an answer. Y’all been driving for hours, you need
some decent sleep.”

I don’t even bother arguing with
Sly. Like I said, he’s incredibly stubborn. I tell him that we will be there in
a few minutes, and give Connor directions to the hospital. Connor stops to put
gas in the car before we make our way over. He said he didn’t want to have to
worry about it after leaving the hospital for the morning.

~

Connor holds my hand all the way up to the waiting room. He
only let go long enough to open the doors in the parking garage and main
hospital. I love that he always has to be touching me in some way. Even if it
is only resting his hand on my leg, or arm around the back of my chair if we
are sitting near each other. I feel comforted by his touch.

I run straight over to Sly and wrap my arms around him in a
big hug when we walk in. He looks beat. I know that I would be in the same
shape had it been me waiting around for news about Daddy. I spent many a night
watching over Momma when she got sick. It’s hard to feel so helpless for those
that you love. Connor stands back to let Sly and I have our space. He’s still
getting used to my relationship with Sly, even though I’ve told him over and
over that Sly is basically my older brother for all intents and purposes. “I
missed you!” I say into his chest because he hasn’t let me out of our embrace
yet. “Can I see Gina?”

“Missed you too. Yeah, let’s go to the desk. I told the
nurses that my sister was on her way. They said only family was allowed back
there. Mom always thought of you as a daughter anyway, so, for all they know,
you’re my sister.” Sly lets me go, then looks over towards Connor. “Thanks for
bringing her, man. I appreciate you being here.”

Connor reaches out to shake Sly’s hand. “No problem. Happy
to help. I’m glad that your mom got through surgery ok.” He walks over,
wrapping his arm around my waist, pulling me into his side. “I’ll wait here,
you go check on Mrs. Watts.”

Sly and I go through the double doors leading to the ICU.
Gina is in Bed C, and we walk right in. I’m not surprised to see that she is
still on the ventilator and has a chest tube. Bypass surgery is a major
surgery. Gina looks so weak and frail. It makes tears come to my eyes. She has
always been such a strong woman, and to see her like this, breaks my heart for
her and Sly. I know that she will pull through though, she has to. Birmingham
Regional has some of the best cardiac surgeons around. She couldn’t be in
better hands.

I walk over to Gina’s bedside and take her hand in mine.
“Hey, woman.” I say gently. “You know, you don’t have to go and have all this
mess happen to get me to come visit. You know I love you, all you have to do is
ask.” I try to keep the tears out of my voice. I feel like I need to be strong
not only for her, but for Sly as well.

Sly comes to stand behind me, wrapping his arms around my
waist, resting his chin on my shoulder. “I know, right. I told Mom that she
needed to quit being so dramatic.” Sly is trying to keep it together. “The docs
said that they would take the her off the ventilator later today. You ready to
head over to the house? I know y’all need some sleep.”

We sit beside Gina for a few more minutes. I look at all the
monitors and machines trying to figure out what’s going on. Her vital signs
look great, and I know that she will be well taken care of. When we walk back
out to the waiting area, Connor has fallen asleep with his head propped up on
his hand. He looks so adorable sitting there. I almost hate to wake him up, but
I know that we will both rest better in a real bed.

“Baby, come on.” I gently shake his shoulder. The sleepy
grin he gives me when he cracks his eyelids chips off a little more of the wall
around my heart. “Gina’s doing good, lets go to Sly’s to get some sleep.”

“Ok.” Connor mumbles, then takes his usual possessive grip
on my hand as we all walk out of the hospital to the cars in the parking
garage.

Fortunately the ride to Sly’s house is quick. Connor refused
to let me drive, and I can tell that he is about to fall asleep again. As soon
as we walk in the door, Sly directs us to his room saying that he is just going
to catch a few hours of sleep on the couch, and that his roommate, Johnson, is
still asleep in the spare room. Apparently he just came off of a forty-eight
hour shift not long before Connor and I got to the hospital, so we won’t see
him until later in the morning. That’s fine by me. I’m not really in the mood
to socialize right now. I just want a pillow, a blanket, and Connor’s arms
around me.

As we walk into Sly’s room Connor pulls the door closed
behind us. I’m not even thinking when I pull my shirt over my head on the way
into the attached bathroom. I toss my shirt on the edge of the bed, then turn
to grab my bag. That’s when I catch Connor staring at me with the most intense
look I think I have seen on his face. I immediately attempt to cover myself
with my arms, but it’s no use. I have too much going on up top for my arms to
hide anything.

“Sweetness, please go put something on, or I can’t be held
responsible for my actions right now.” His voice sounds strained, and his eyes
are boring into me.

I race into the bathroom after yanking my bag off the floor.
I’m running so fast that I trip on the floor mat, landing in my knees with a
yelp. Connor is quickly in the door behind me. “I’m fine. Just tripped. Sorry.”
I jump up, keeping my back to him. I sense him walk up behind me, I can feel
his warm breath on my bare shoulders, his hands grasping my upper arms.

“Running away from me again, babe?” He whispers in my ear,
sending shivers down my spine. He brushes my hair to one side of my neck. “You
never have to run from me.” Connor kisses the back of my neck. “Now get
changed, so we can sleep.” Then he turns and leaves me standing there a
quivering mess.

Sweet Christ almighty! I was tired, but now my body is
wired. All of my senses are on high alert after Connor’s lips and hands and
words. I splash some cool water on my face to try to calm my nerves and racing
heart. Tugging my nightshirt and sleep shorts on, I take care of my bedtime
routine then head back out into the bedroom.

Connor is already lying in bed on his side. He holds up the
covers on the other side for me to crawl under. When I do, he immediately pulls
me to him, my back to his chest, holding me tightly. Connor kisses the back of
my head. “Sleep now, Sweetness. I’ve got you.”

Man, does he ever. I drift off
to sleep wrapped in Connor’s strong embrace thinking that he certainly has me.
My mind, body and soul are calling out to him more and more every day. I know I
need to open up to him; I need to let him know all of me. I am finally
beginning to be able to let go and put everything behind me. It sometimes feels
like Connor can see into my heart and see all of my secrets. His emerald pools
gaze straight through to my soul, baring me to him.

~

I wake up cold and alone in the bed. It takes me a few
seconds to figure out where I am. I look at my surroundings. I look at the
clock on the nightstand. Wow! I’ve been asleep for five hours. I remember where
I am, and realize that I need to get up so we can go visit Gina again. I hear
voices outside the door and down the hall. I guess Connor is already in the
kitchen with Sly getting something to eat. I can’t believe that they let me
sleep this long.

I decide to go ahead and shower before joining them. It’s
been a long two days, and I know that I look like a train wreck. The hot water
feels heavenly, and I just stand there letting it wash over me. I spend a few
extra minutes shaving my legs and everywhere else important. I emerge from the
shower feeling refreshed. I throw my hair up in a quick messy bun on the top of
my head, and get dressed. I opt for comfort since I figure we will be spending
a few hours at the hospital again. I put on my denim shorts and a black cami
with a pair of flip-flops. Easy and
 
comfortable, just the way I want to be.

Coming down the hallway, I hear Connor and Sly laughing
together. “Man, I need to go ahead and make her some coffee before she wakes
up. I don’t care that it’s mid-afternoon, Lynae needs coffee as soon as she
wakes up, or she’s not fun to be around.” Sly chuckles. The sound of his coffee
maker coming to life greets me when I walk into the kitchen.

“Hey, Sweetness.” Connor stands up from the bar to wrap me
in a tightly in his arms. “You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to wake you
earlier. I was about to come get you.” He kisses me behind my ear, sending warm
tingles through my body. He buries his nose in my hair and inhales deeply.
“Damn, babe. You smell so good.”

I squeeze him back then turn around in search of coffee and
Sly. I walk up behind Sly who is still fiddling with the coffee maker, hugging
him from behind, placing my cheek on his back. “Hi, honey. Any word on Gina
today?”

Sly turns around in my arms to hug me back. “Yeah, I talked
to the nurse earlier when I got up. She’s awake, off the breathing machine, and
they are planning on moving her to a regular room later this evening. They said
she’s doing great. I’m sorry I had you drive all the way out her.” He squeezes
me tight, “I was just so scared. I needed to have you here in case something
went wrong.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t apologize for asking me to come. I
know you would have been there for me if I needed you.” I scold him.

“In a heartbeat. You know I would.” Sly kisses me on the
forehead then releases me when he hears the sound of a car pulling up in the
driveway. “Sounds like Johnson is back with lunch. He texted me earlier, said
he was bringing a few pizzas. He was already gone when we got up, I hope he has
enough.”

I shrug, then reach into the cabinet above my head for a
coffee mug. I don’t really care about pizza right now; the rich aroma of
Italian Roast is calling to me. I’m adding an obscene amount of creamer and
sweetener to my coffee when I hear the front door open and close. For some
reason, icy tingles creep up my spine.

“Johnson, we’re in the kitchen. Come on, I want you to meet
some people.” Sly calls out.

Footsteps echo down the hardwood floors in the living room
coming towards us. “Hey man, didn’t know we had company.” The sound of that
voice makes me drop my coffee mug. The ceramic mug shatters; hot coffee spills
all over the linoleum and the bottom cabinets, splashing on my feet, but I
don’t feel the burn. I don’t turn around. I can’t turn around. I can’t breathe.
It can’t be him.

“Shit! Lynae are you ok?” Sly rushes over to wipe up the
mess I’ve made. I still can’t move. I hear Connor’s chair scrapping across the
floor as he moves to my side.

I see him in my peripheral vision, but I can’t focus.

That voices speaks again. “My, my. Lynae Michaels. This is a
nice surprise. It’s been a long time.
 
You’ve certainly grown up.”

“Yeah, I forgot that Lynae was already in high school with
us your senior year.” Sly’s speaking, but it sounds like his voice is coming to
me from under water. “Connor, this is Matt Johnson.”

And that is when my world comes crashing down around me. It
feels like I have had ice water dumped over me. My heart is pounding in my
chest, pounding so hard that I feel like it may burst straight out. I turn
around and lock eyes with the person that shattered my world eight years ago.
The person that makes me feel like the naïve teenager I once was. I feel like
my throat is closing up.

“Sweetness, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me. Come over here
and sit down.” Connor tries to lead me to the stool near the bar. “You look
really pale.”

“I, I have to go.” I take off running. I run out of the
kitchen, stopping only to grab my purse and car keys that I tossed on the table
near the front door when we got to Sly’s house. I can’t breathe. I can’t be
here. All of the guilt I had been pushing away the past few weeks has come
rushing back in, and I feel like I’m drowning in it.