In A Heartbeat (The Shameful Regret Series) (9 page)

Marcus and Seth come out from backstage as soon as the set
is done. I look beyond them searching for Connor, but he isn’t there. “Great
job tonight, guys.” I say to Marcus when he walks up to give me a hug hello.
This is new. I guess he’s talking to me again. “Where’s Connor?”

“He’s still dealing with some shit with Wade. He’ll be out
in a bit.” Marcus still has his arm around my shoulders. “Just warning you,
Nae, he’s not going to be in a great mood. Let’s head to the bar and I’ll buy
you a drink.” He says trying to steer me away from backstage, which was the
direction I was heading. Marcus has taken to calling me “Nae” now. I’m not sure
I like the nickname, but it’s much better than what Michelle and Gabbi have
everyone else calling me.

I let Marcus buy me a coke at the bar; I don’t want to have
another drink. I have to drive us all back to my apartment after all. Sly comes
to join us and sits on the other side of me. I introduce them, then turn around
to watch the backstage entrance. I hope Connor is alright.

While Marcus and Sly are deep in conversation, I slip away
to search for Connor. I can’t explain it, but I have this feeling that he’s
upset, and that he needs me. I hope my gut instinct is right, I don’t want him
thinking that I’m just checking up on him.

When I walk back towards the hallway I left the guys in
before the show I hear raised voices. I stop where I am to listen, trying to
decide if I should go on, or just head back. Connor and Wade are arguing.
Connor sounds truly angry.

“Listen, I know damn well that tomorrow is Kaitlin’s
birthday. Fuck! I think about her every damn day. It’s my fault all that shit
happened. Don’t think that they let me forget it either. They don’t want me
around, so I’m sure as hell not going over there for them to piss all over me!”
Connor growls.

“Dude, I’m just saying that Dad would like you to come by
the house. You can swing by before they get there. Don’t shut him out too just
because they treat you like dog shit. It’s not you’re fucking fault! How many
times do I have to tell you that.” Wade’s voice is loud, but he’s trying to
remain in control.

Who is Kaitlin? Are they talking about Connor’s parents? I
know that he said he didn’t have a relationship with them to speak of, but he
didn’t really elaborate. I can hear the pain in Connor’s voice. It breaks my
heart to hear him hurting, but I’m scared at the same time to hear him so
angry.

I hear the sound of a fist hitting a wall. “Just leave it
the fuck alone! I’m not going. It is my fault. Now fuck off!” Connor comes
barreling around the corner right into me, knocking me flat on my ass.

Wade comes directly behind Connor, stopping abruptly when he
sees me looking up at them from the floor. “Shit! Nae-Nae, you ok?” he asks.

Connor immediately leans down pulling me roughly up into his
arms. Without saying a word, he carries me into an office down the hall from
where he and Wade were arguing; kicking the door shut with is boot. He drops me
down onto of the desk then takes a step back. His chest his heaving, his eyes
are blazing. He looks furious. “What the fuck are you doing back here, Lynae?”
He yells.

I instinctively try to scoot back on the desk. I pull my
legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. “I, I was worried, and I..”
I can’t seem to from words. My heart is beating erratically. My eyes dart
around the room looking for a way to escape. Connor is blocking the only door.
“I’m sorry.” I try to say, but it comes out as a muffled sob as I break down
into tears. My fear is overcoming me. The walls are closing in; I’m finding it
hard to breathe. I’m starting to get lightheaded. I start to shake my head
crying “No!” over and over again.

I feel warm arms wrapping around me. I struggle to pull
away. The arms grip me tighter. I hear what sounds like a door banging open
against a wall. Wade’s voice breaks through my clouded head. “Dude! What the
fuck?” I lift my head up to see Connor’s green eyes staring back at me. He’s
face is blurry through my tear filled eyes.

“Oh my God, Lynae. Baby, I’m so sorry. It’s ok. It’s just
me. I didn’t mean to yell. Please talk to me.” Connor is trying to talk calmly
to me while he’s stroking my hair. He’s looking from me to Wade, then back to
me again. “Baby, it’s ok. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Nae-Nae, honey, do you need me to go get Gabbi or
Michelle?” Wade asks gently. He’s come to sit on the other side of me. He
glares at Connor, “What the hell did you do to her, man?”

I continue to stare at Connor. He doesn’t look like the same
man that was yelling at me just moments ago. His entire countenance has
changed. Before he was frightening making me feel like I couldn’t breathe, now
he looks like the frightened one. The way he is tentatively stroking me, makes
me feel like he is afraid to touch me because he thinks I may shatter.
“Sweetness, please say something.” He begs.

When I feel like I can talk without my voice cracking, I
turn towards Wade, who is looking at me expectantly. “No, I don’t want them to
know about this. Please, don’t say anything.” I really, really don’t want Wade
to go out there saying that I had a meltdown. Not only will Michelle freak out,
but I don’t want to have to deal with Sly. He will kill Connor if he thinks he
hurt me in any way, shape or form.

“If that’s what you want, Nae-Nae. I’ll do whatever you
need. Are you ok?” Wade’s voice is soft and gentle, like he’s talking to a
child.

I nod my head as Wade reaches out to wipe away a tear. I
didn’t know that he could be so caring. The few interactions I’ve had with him,
he seemed like a douche that was only out to get laid and annoy the hell out of
me. “I’m ok.” I take a deep breath in and release it. “I need to go to the
bathroom.”

“I’ll take you, Sweetness.” Connor insists as I release my
grip around my legs to lower them over the side of the desk. He stands up to
allow me room to maneuver my feet to the floor. Connor keeps his arm around my
shoulders as if he thinks I may fall.

My body is still coiled tightly. My back feels rigid, my
shoulders drawn up. “I really just need a minute to myself, please.” I say
looking down at my feet. I feel Connor’s gaze boring into me, but I can’t look
at him. I feel his fingers dig into my shoulder a little harder, I whimper.

Wade steps in, taking my hand, “Come on, Nae-Nae. I’ll walk
you out, then we will go find the girls.” He looks to Connor, “You go on out,
tell them she’s fine. I got her man.” Then Wade guides me out of the room.
Suddenly, for some reason, it’s not bothering me anymore that Wade is calling
me that ridiculous nickname. It’s comforting.

While we are walking down the hall, Wade steers me down a
different direction than towards the main room. He’s taking me to the staff
restrooms. I’m grateful for this. I don’t want anyone else to see me like this,
I’m sure I look like a mess. I can feel that my eyes are puffy. I glance up to
Wade, “I wasn’t trying to listen in on y’all. Marcus said that Connor was
upset. I got worried, that’s all, I promise. I’m sorry.” I sniffle again.
Great, I need to get this crying under control.

“Honey, Connor wasn’t mad at you. He’s just,” he pauses,
“He’s sensitive about that subject. It’s personal. He didn’t hurt you, did he?
I swear, he may be family, but I’ll kick his fucking ass if he hurt you.” Wade
opens the door to the ladies’ room, and I duck under his arm. “I’ll be right
outside this door. I’m not going anywhere, darlin’.”

I look back at him, “Wade, who is Kaitlin?” I have to know.
Is she an ex? Did she break his heart? He said that he thinks about her
everyday. What happened that he blames himself for?

“You need to talk to him about that, honey. Kaitlin was his
baby sister.”

Was? What does he mean by that? When I open my mouth to ask
him, Wade takes the hand not holding the door open and pushes me inside, then
closes the door behind me.

Looking in the mirror, I take stock of my appearance. My
eyes are red, my mascara has pretty much disappeared, my cheeks are flushed. I
grab a few paper towels to wet in an attempt to clean my tear-streaked face. I
honestly don’t know how I’m going to explain this to Michelle and Sly. They
will see straight through any kind of lie I throw out there. I know I need to
apologize to Connor also.

Making my appearance as presentable as possible, I leave the
bathroom. Wade is leaning against the wall messing with his phone. He looks up
smiling at me. “Just texting Gabs that we are on our way out. She says that you
need to get your ass out there to save Michelle from Seth. He’s getting grabby
with you not out there for him to assault.” I appreciate his trying to lighten
my mood. He knows I need to get myself together to face everyone.

“I guess let’s go save her then.” I reply hoping it sounds
light and upbeat.

“Connor has issues, but he really is a great guy. I’ve seen
the way he’s been with you. I think you’re good for him, Lynae. Don’t let
tonight drive you away. He doesn’t open up easily, but I can see him opening to
you.” Wade slings his arm around my shoulders as we walk towards the main area
of the club.

I look at him incredulously raising my eyebrow. Who knew
Wade could be such a teddy bear. He seems like a jackass, but when it comes to
his family, he seems to really have a heart of gold. I think I’m happy to see
him and Gabbi together. I’m also glad that Connor has him in his life. If what
I recall hearing about, who I think are his parents, it sounds like he needs
stable family around. “My, my. Wade, you do surprise me.”

“What? Nah, Nae-Nae. I’m still the dumbfuck that loves to
drive you insane. Don’t go telling anyone I’m anything different now, you
hear?” Wade gives me a gentle squeeze when we come to the door leading out to
our table. “Put your game face on, I don’t want to have to run away hiding if
Connor thinks I upset you more.”

When we get back to the table, only Gabbi and Seth are
sitting there. I can see Michelle and Sly off on the dance floor. I swear,
those two really need to get their act together and tell each other how they
feel. It’s obvious in the way they look at each other. I crane my neck looking
through the crowd trying to find where Connor has gotten off to. I’m not sure
that I really want to face him right now, but I’d like to make sure he is ok.
After all, that’s what the hell I was trying to do in the first damn place.

One look at my face has Gabbi losing her carefree smile. She
looks at Wade tilting her head to the side asking what’s wrong without voicing
the words. She knows that he was the one I was with for the last little while.
I see Wade shaking his head out of the corner of my eye. That seems to satisfy
Gabbi; because she grabs her powder compact out of her clutch then walks up to
me attempting to fix my face quickly. “There, all better. Can’t have Crazy Ass
One and Crazy Ass Two going psycho on you tonight.” She smiles at me
reassuringly.

Crazy Ass One and Crazy Ass Two? She must be talking about
Connor and Sly. I know that Sly is definitely a crazy ass when he thinks
someone is messing with somebody he cares about, and from his behavior tonight,
I’d definitely classify Connor as a crazy ass. “I’m good, Gabbi. Thanks, doll.
I got lost backstage, and your loverboy found me.” Please take the hint that I
don’t want to talk about anything. Please!

I’m saved from Gabbi’s inquisition when Marcus and Connor
come up to the table, followed shortly there after by Sly and Michelle. Connor
glances at me, but doesn’t say a word. Marcus gives me a knowing look before
giving an evil glare back at Connor. “Nae-Nae! I’m ready to head home if you
are!” Michelle slurs. She’s had a few drinks in my absence it appears.

“Yeah, I’m pretty tired. Come on.” I start heading back
towards the back entrance. “It’s faster to just go through here.” I continue on
without looking back to see if anyone is following me.

When I get to my car, I realize that Connor has my keys. I
gave them to him to hold onto since my outfit didn’t have any pockets. He walks
up directly behind me clicking the keyless entry remote, then opens the
passenger side door indicating that he wants me to get in. “I’m driving.” He
says quietly. I don’t argue, I hop up into my Escape, buckling my seatbelt
facing forward. We have to wait a few minutes for Michelle and Sly to meet us.
Michelle is hanging onto Sly so much that he is practically carrying her.

The ride back to my apartment is quiet and tense in the
front seat, but flirty in the back seat. It looks like Sly has had a few drinks
tonight as well; he and Michelle look quite cozy snuggled up together. When
Connor pulls into a parking spot, I immediately hop out before he has a chance
to open my door for me. The tension is unbearable. I can’t take the stifling
atmosphere.

Michelle crawls out of the back seat with a giggle and Sly
right behind her. “I’m gonna walk Michelle back to her building. I’ll be back
in a bit. Love you, Sweet Cheeks!” Sly pulls me in for a quick hug before he
starts leading Michelle off in the darkness.

I hold my hand out to Connor, silently asking for my keys.
Instead he takes my hand in his and starts walking me into my building. He
doesn’t let go when he opens the door, nor does he when he pulls me into the
elevator. Connor still hasn’t said a word to me since we got to my car in the
parking garage downtown. He only hands my keys to me when we reach my door. I
unlock it and walk in. I’m about to shut the door when he comes in behind me,
closing and locking it behind himself. When I turn around, he’s leaning against
my front door. I can’t quite figure out how to take the expression on his face.

I flip the lights on then toss my keys onto the kitchen
table. “What do you want Connor?” I don’t hide the ire in my voice. I still
don’t understand why he was yelling at Wade or why he flipped out on me in the
hallway. I cross my arms and wait.

“Lynae, I’m so sorry for yelling at you. I wasn’t expecting
to see you standing there.” Connor’s voice is soft. He sounds contrite. “Please
say you forgive me. I know I scared you, I didn’t mean to.”

“Yes, you did scare me. You scared the hell out of me. I
didn’t know what the fuck was wrong. I heard you and Wade arguing. Marcus had
said you were upset, and I just wanted to check on you.” I wave my hand in the
air in front of me. When I get fired up, I tend to gesture with my hands a lot.
I think it has something to do with my Italian heritage. At least that is what
Momma always used to say. “I wasn’t sure what you were going to do.”

That’s the truth too. Deep down I know in my heart that
Connor would never lay a hand on me, but for one fleeting moment, I was afraid
of him. I could see the coiled fury that was bubbling near the surface. Connor
takes a step towards me, I take a step back, bumping into the counter.

“Sweetness, please.” Connor begs. “I swear on my life that I
would never hurt you. I was a fucking ass, I know that. This is just a bad time
for me.”

“Tell me what you and Wade were talking about. Who is
Kaitlin? Wade said she is your sister. What happened?”

Connor’s body goes rigid at the sound of her name. Crap! Is he
going to shut me out like he was trying to shut Wade out? I walk over to him
and place my hand on his forearm. His body relaxes slightly at my touch.
“Kaitlin was my baby sister. She was a year and a half younger than me. She’s
dead.” Connor lets out a pent up breath, “And no, I don’t want to talk about
it.”

I hadn’t expected that. Connor’s baby sister is dead. I
remember him saying something about thinking it was his fault. He couldn’t have
been responsible. I know that I don’t really know him that well, but I am
certain that he wouldn’t have ever been capable of something like that.

Connor wraps his arms around my waist pulling me into him. I
go willingly. “Please tell me that we are ok, baby. I hate that I lashed out at
you. Wade doesn’t know how to let things go, and when I saw you standing there,
hell, I don’t know.” He rests his chin on top of my head.

All the tension that had been coiled in my body was melting
away in Connor’s arms. As much as I know I should be cautious with my heart, it
calls out for him. I can’t make him talk to me about something that he doesn’t
want to, just like he respects my choice not to elaborate on why I, myself
freaked out on him twice. “We’re ok. I don’t understand, but we’re ok.”
Connor’s arms squeeze me tighter. “You know you can talk to me. I’m here if you
need me.”

“Can I stay? I know you probably want me to leave, but I
need to hold you.” Connor breathes into my hair. His voice sounds meek and
timid, unsure of himself. He sounds like a lost little boy, not the man that I
have been getting to know.

My heart melts a little more. Connor sounds like he needs me
as much as I am beginning to feel like I need him. I lift my head to gaze into
those emerald eyes that captivated me the first night I saw him. They look torn
and full of regret. My heart aches for him. “Don’t go. Stay.”

Connor picks me up, carrying me into my bedroom. He sets me
down at the foot of my bed, then I’m suddenly nervous. I hope he doesn’t expect
anything from me. As much as my body hums with desire when he touches me, I
don’t think I’m ready for that. I desperately want to be ready, but I know I’m
not.

Sensing my unease, Connor reaches out, his hand cupping my
cheek. “Relax, Sweetness. I just want to hold you. After my behavior tonight, I
know you don’t want to be with me like that.” His thumb gently strokes along my
bottom lip. “Trust me when I say that I would love to lay you down on that bed
and spend hours worshiping your body, but tonight I just want to feel you in my
arms. You ground me.”

A smile touches my lips for the first time in hours. This is
the Connor that I feel safe with. This is the Connor that I feel protected by.
I stand on my tiptoes to brush a soft kiss to his lips. “I’m going to change.
I’ll be right back.”

I grab a pair of pajama shorts and a cami, my usual
sleepwear, then head to the bathroom. As I’m changing, I realize that this is
the first time I will have spent the night with someone other than Sly. Maybe I
should have chosen a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt instead. Looking down, I
see that my shorts are basically just a little longer than boyshort underwear,
and my cami hardly covers my breasts. At least it has a built in bra, but I
feel very exposed. I comb out my hair and brush my teeth quickly.

Turning out the light, I step into the bedroom. Connor has
turned out all the lights in the living room and bedroom except for the lamp on
my bedside table. He’s sitting on the side of the bed in his boxers and
undershirt. Sweet baby Jesus! My mouth goes dry at the sight of his muscular
thighs that are just as magnificent as I imagined them to be under his ripped
jeans. I see his tan arms, a little more of that tattoo that I am dying to the
rest of and the white undershirt is tight across his broad chest. Oh, how I
wish he had taken that shirt off. No! Thank God he kept it on. I may
spontaneously combust if I saw him without his shirt on.

Connor’s gaze rakes over my body. Tingles ignite over every
inch his eyes graze over. I notice his eyes linger on my breasts, and my
nipples harden in response, pressing against the thin fabric of my cami.
Embarrassed, I cross my arms over my chest to try to hide myself as I hurry
around to the other side of the bed to crawl under the covers. I lay down on
the absolute edge of the bed, pulling the blanket up to my chin.

“Sweetness, I told you not be nervous. Come here.” Connor
chuckles stretching out beside me, reaching over pulling me to him. I’m pressed
against his warmth, making my body feel like it’s on fire. “Turn over on your
side, babe.” He instructs.

I roll over onto my side facing the window, my back to his
chest. I can feel the heat coming off of him. Connor brings his hand up to
brush my hair off my neck, then wraps his strong arm around me, settling his
hand low on my abdomen, pulling me tightly to him. Connor lowers his head
between my neck and shoulder, placing a gently open mouthed kiss behind my ear.

How in the hell am I supposed to sleep with Connor lying
right against me? My mind is spinning a million miles per hour. My heart thuds
in my chest. Part of me wants to turn around, wrap my arms and legs around him
and let it all go. The other part remembers the shame and guilt I’ve been
carrying around. I could never be enough for him. Connor has been with
countless women. I’m broken and damaged. This thought has me curling in on
myself a little more.

“Just relax, Sweetness. I’ve got
you.” He whispers in my ear as he slips his other arm under me to wrap me
completely. I’m surrounded by Connor. I close my eyes, drifting off to sleep
with one thought in my mind. Truer words have not been spoken, Connor has my
heart in his hands. I just hope he doesn’t break it. That pain would be far
worse than anything else I’ve endured.

~

I wake up lying flat on my back feeling incredibly hot. I
feel a warm body next to me. Why did Sly sleep in here with me? He usually just
crashes in the guest room. As the sleepy haze clears from my mind I realize
that there is a very large hand cupping my left breast. That’s when I remember
last night. It’s Connor’s hand holding me. I turn my head to glance at him.
He’s lying on his side facing me. One of his legs is draped over my own,
pinning me to the bed. I can feel his hardness pressing into my thigh. Oh my!
This is an interesting way to wake up.

Connor looks so peaceful sleeping. His long dark eyelashes
rest gently on his high cheekbones. I study the slope of his nose; it has a
small ridge, perhaps from being broken in the past. It adds to his ruggedness,
not detracting from it. Dark stubble covers his cheeks and jaw. He is
unquestionably the sexiest man I have ever seen, but more than that, he looks
absolutely beautiful sleeping beside me. His t-shirt has ridden up slightly,
and I can see his hipbone and that “V” cut into his waist dipping down into his
boxers. My mind wanders, thinking about finding where that “V” leads.
Quit
it Lynae!

Connor’s hand tightens on my breast as he stirs in his
sleep, his hips moving into me. Desire surges deep within me and I gasp at the
sensations coursing through my body. I feel a tightening pulling low in my
belly. Further down I feel a heat rising. This is an all-together new feeling
for me.

His eyes flutter open, catching me staring at him. A lazy
smile forms on his lips. “I thought I was dreaming.” Connor’s voice has always
seemed sexy to me, but this morning, husky with sleep. It is enough to make me
swoon if I wasn’t already lying down. He seems to notice what his hand has a
hold of, making his eyes smolder. Connor brushes his thumb over the stiff peak
of my nipple, causing me to whimper.

In the next instant, Connor has moved so that his laying on
top of me, bracing himself up with one arm, the other hand is still gripping my
breast. His knees have nudged my legs open, and his hips are pushing down into
me. The hardness that I had felt moments before on my thigh feels impossibly
harder and is hitting me in the center of my core. My own hips shift up towards
him of their own volition. My breath catches in my chest at the sudden friction
sending lightening bolts through my body. “Ah!”

Connor’s eyes are burning into me as his lips come crashing
down to claim mine. Connor’s tongue forces my mouth open, then tangles with my
own. He groans into my mouth, rocking his hips rhythmically into me. The hand
that was cupping my breast has slipped lower to reach under my cami. I can feel
his calloused hands gliding over my abdomen heading back towards its previous
location. My own hands come up to grip tightly onto his shoulders. I don’t know
if I want to pull him on to me or push him off.

When his hand reaches my breast again, this time there is no
barrier. Connor gently pulls my nipple between his thumb and forefinger,
rolling it. His lips leave mine to travel down my neck towards my collarbone
then back up, leaving a trail of wet kisses. “Oh God!” I moan, arching my back
to press my chest harder against him.

Connor shifts his weight onto his elbows, his other hand now
free to slip the strap of my cami off my shoulder. His mouth follows the path
of the strap. “Your skin tastes just as sweet as your mouth.” His hips continue
to rub against me. My hands glide down over his back then make their way under
his shirt, reveling in the feel of his taut back muscles and smooth skin.

I can feel a tightening sensation building deep. I feel like
a wire strung too taut that will break at any moment. Connor’s stubble grazing
over the skin on my chest is causing an exquisite friction. I look down to see
him taking the top of my cami between his teeth, pulling it down to expose my
breasts. The cool air of my bedroom hits them, but the coolness is quickly
replaced by the scorching heat of his mouth and tongue as he pulls one hard
peak into his mouth, laving it with his tongue. My nails dig into the flesh of
his lower back causing him to groan. The vibrations of his body make me throw
my head back as far as I can push it into my pillow.

The building sensation is making me feel like I’m flying
higher and higher. The moment that Connor’s teeth sink into my nipple, I fall
over the edge. I see bright flashes of color behind my closed eyelids; my heart
feels as though it will beat right out of my chest. I moan in ecstasy. Connor
releases my nipple to cover my moans with his mouth. I don’t know how long I
lay there writhing; I just know that I have never felt such pleasure before in
my life.

As I come down from my incredible high, I open my eyes to
see Connor watching me intently. “Good morning, Sweetness.”

Oh! My! God!
I feel my face flush. I scramble to pull
my cami back over my exposed chest. I’m so embarrassed all of the sudden. What
did I let happen? I completely lost control of myself. Connor leans up,
grabbing both of my wrists in his hands. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

“I, uh, I.” I don’t even know what to say. I can’t tell him
that was the first time I’ve ever climaxed. I can’t tell him that no man has
ever touched me like that before. He was touching me for the sole purpose of
making me feel good, and man, did that feel really good. I didn’t feel
embarrassed while it was happening. I was so lost in the moment, but now, I
realize that I got that excited by just him sucking on my breast and grinding
into me. He probably thinks I’m pathetic. I look into his eyes, but I don’t see
disgust there. I see longing and passion. I quickly look away.

Connor releases one of my wrists to bring his hand up to cup
my cheek, turning me so that I’m facing him again. “Lynae, are you a virgin?”

Silence is my reply. I don’t know how to answer that. I’m
technically not, I guess. I may not have wanted that night to happen, but I was
foolish enough to allow it to happen. It was my fault. I can’t tell him about
that night. He will never want to touch me again, and I desperately want him to
touch me again, even though my emotions are jumbled right now. I know that just
moments ago, being with Connor, letting him feel me and hold me like that, felt
right.

“Baby, why didn’t you tell me?” Connor gently asks. I still
don’t respond. My voice has completely disappeared. Connor chuckles, “Lynae,
you are going to have to speak to me, or I’m not gonna let you up out of this
bed.” A wry grin creeps up on his face, “Actually, that sounds like a perfect
idea to me.”