I Shouldn't Be Telling You This: Success Secrets Every Gutsy Girl Should Know (22 page)

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How to Own a Room—and Be Great on Your Feet
 
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T
he more successful you become, the more confident and sure of yourself you will be—whether you’re talking to people at a cocktail party or a meeting or making a formal presentation or speech—and that’s a fabulous feeling. It’s also nice for the people in your midst. Confidence is sexy and exciting. People want to be around someone who has it, to hear what she’s got to say and learn what she knows.

Confidence is also compelling. When I arrived at
Cosmo
, one of the first things I did was try to analyze why some covers sold better than others. The particular model on the cover obviously played a role, and so did the cover lines, of course. But I soon realized that on the best-selling covers, the model or actress almost always had a certain expression on her face. It wasn’t a smile, and it wasn’t a “Take-me-
now
” look. It was an expression of utter confidence. It was as if she was standing in a doorway thinking “I
own
this room.” That look helped guarantee that women bought the issue in droves.

I’m not talking about haughtiness or smugness. Those qualities, I’ve always found, tend to spring from insecurity and are totally off-putting. Real confidence is both authentic and inviting. And, as your confidence grows, you also tend to be gutsier and less afraid of taking risks. You believe in yourself, trust your instincts.

But here’s the tricky thing about confidence: it can seem fluid at times. One minute you’re on top of the world, the next minute you’re unsure of yourself. Various factors can trigger a temporary confidence outage. A new job, for instance: you may question your skills, worrying that you’re in over your head or that you’re even an imposter.

What I find fascinating is how even
little
things can make you go off your game. Maybe you’re in a job interview and you see the interviewer glance at your skirt. You suddenly realize that it may be a little too short, and then you can’t get back on track with the interview. Or you’re giving a presentation and someone yawns, and now you are freaked that you’re being a total bore. A year or two ago I was asked to be the afternoon keynote speaker at a big women’s conference. I do a lot of public speaking, so I felt no qualms about addressing the thousand-person crowd. Just before I was introduced, I noticed that the woman who had been the morning keynote—a leader in her field—had come into the room and taken a seat at a table right in front. I felt flattered that she’d decided to return for my talk, and I was looking forward to meeting her later.

But a funny thing happened. As I spoke, the woman didn’t do what people ideally do when you’re giving a speech: she didn’t nod or smile or laugh. Instead, through most of the speech, she wore a perplexed expression on her face, as if I’d lapsed into an ancient Incan dialect and she couldn’t understand a damn word I was saying. She was like a speech “cooler.” I realized that if I had been younger or less experienced, her behavior might have sucked the mojo right out of me.

The fascinating thing about a confidence outage is that nothing has changed about you from one moment to the next. You have the same interview or presentation skills you had before the person noticed your skirt or yawned while you spoke. Confidence is a state of mind.

During my first years at
Cosmo
, we featured models on five or six covers a year. One day we shot a model I adored and whom I knew would be fantastic on the cover, but my design director, returned from the shoot saying that the girl had been incredibly nervous. I suspected that the importance of the shoot had thrown her, though that was hard to fathom—she was gorgeous and had done many major ad campaigns. But sure enough, when the pictures came in, her terror was evident. She looked like someone who had just been stopped by customs agents at JFK airport and was waiting for them to find the kilo of cocaine she had in her luggage.

I remained certain, however, that she would be a perfect
Cosmo
cover girl, so, rather than give up, I decided to try to restore her confidence. I had the model editor call the agency and say the girl was absolutely amazing in the pictures but we’d like to redo the shoot because we were unhappy with the clothing choices we’d made. The next shoot was awesome, and the issue sold 2.3 million copies on the newsstand. Nothing was different about that model from the first shoot to the second—except that the second time she was convinced she had what it took.

Experience and a growing belief in your own ability will help your confidence grow. Here are some tactics to nudge it along.

Own plenty of confidence clothes.
Chances are you have at least a couple of outfits that people always compliment you on, that make you feel like a million dollars when you wear them. Figure out the common denominators of those wow outfits—the colors, the shape—and buy more of them. And wear them when the stakes are high. I know it sounds a little silly, but looking like a badass can give you badass confidence.

Instead of focusing on how you might screw up, think about what good things you can bring to the moment.
That’s something that the actress Natalie Dormer, who stars as Margaery Tyrell in
Game of Thrones
on HBO, pointed out to me. I first discovered Natalie when she played Anne Boleyn in
The Tudors
. It’s hard to take your eyes off her, and once her character lost her head, the series was never the same. After we featured Natalie in a fashion story in
Cosmo
, I gave a small dinner for her. She has the most fabulous presence, so I thought she’d be the perfect person to ask about maintaining confidence.

“I was once told something by an older actor that often comes into my head before I walk into an audition room,” says Dormer. “They
want
you to be the solution. Whoever is waiting in there for you—interviewer, examiner, casting agent—is hoping you are the answer to their search. Our fear or self-doubt can persuade us that those waiting in the room want us to fail, but that means you carry that closed or victim energy in. People get into the negative habit of preempting the worst-case scenario as a misplaced way of protecting themselves. Try to walk in instead with an ‘I can be the solution to your problem’ attitude. Not arrogant, just open. The rest is out of your hands, but the positivity in itself is empowering.”

This advice works almost across the board—at meetings, interviews, presentations, and speeches. What’s so interesting is that in almost all situations, the people you’re interacting with are worried about
their
needs and how
they’re
doing—even when you wouldn’t expect it. One of my very favorite TV shows to be on is the
Today
show’s fourth hour with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb. They’re fun and charismatic, and they also make
you
look good. Hoda told me that whenever they have a guest host on, they make a point of chatting with the guest host about his or her current projects and interests in order to calm the person’s nerves (you wouldn’t think that guest hosts would need this, but they do). When you focus on the other person, it actually ends up benefiting you by giving you a sense of control and making the overall experience much more positive.

Know what you need to know at the moment.
“There’s one thing in particular that gives you a real aura of success when you’re interacting with other people,” says Julie Kampf, the founder and CEO of the executive search firm JBK Associates. “It’s when you say something incredibly smart.”

Having the information you need in a situation—whether you have to share it verbally—will help you feel on your game and therefore as confident as possible. Always do background research when you’re going to be interacting with people. If you’re attending an important meeting, be sure you know the agenda beforehand. What’s going to be discussed? What questions might you be asked? What should your answers be? When you’re giving a presentation, know exactly what you’re supposed to be talking about. Rehearse it plenty of times beforehand, and test whatever equipment you’ll be using.

If you have to give a talk to an outside organization or be on a panel, be absolutely sure of what they’re looking for and how long they want your remarks to be. Don’t just rely on the initial e-mail. I always arrange to speak (far in advance) to one of the key people involved. It’s amazing how often what I learn from that person differs from what appeared in the initial e-mail.

If you are receiving an award, find out if the presenters want you just to accept or to make a small speech. And always figure out how long the speech should be. Once when I was receiving an award, I discovered that one of the other honorees had not realized that he was supposed to give an acceptance speech. I could see him hurriedly scrawling down his comments on his program. When he got up to speak, he described the event and the award completely wrong.

You should prep even for events that are slightly less formal, such as business luncheons and dinners. Tell the person who sent you the invitation that you’d like to know who will be joining the table. That information is almost always given out if you ask. Then check out your tablemates on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Google. When you meet them, don’t start reeling off facts about them—you’ll sound like a freaky fan—but steer the conversation to areas you know they’re interested in.

Watch your body language.
When you walk into a room or you’re standing up giving a talk, do your best not to touch your face or fool with your hair. Those kinds of gestures may feel calming, but they translate as insecurity. If you are sitting down with people, drape one arm over the back of the chair (the other should be on the armrest). A Northwestern University study found that when a person used this position around her boss, she seemed more influential. Other studies have shown that sitting in an expansive dominant pose (one that takes up space) not only makes you feel more powerful but also decreases stress.

Take a public speaking class—and refresher courses whenever you can.
I took my first public speaking class when I was in my mid-twenties. It was a four-week course offered through one of those adult ed programs you see advertised on the street in Manhattan, and though it was dirt cheap, it was incredibly valuable. Later, when I could afford it, I worked one-on-one with a fantastic woman named Pam Zarit. No tips you receive from me or anyone else will compare to actually being in a course and having to get up and speak—and then be critiqued.

Take advantage of any opportunity you can to speak publicly.
It’s true: the more you speak, the less freaked you will be. I’m convinced that everyone has a certain threshold in terms of the number of speeches they must give before they don’t feel like dry heaving. It may be five for you or twenty-five. Keep going, and one day you will get there. And you will be so glad you did. Panels are good to start with because you don’t feel so front and center.

If you’re giving a speech, take the time to make sure it’s a damn good one.
Two things I learned from Zarit: know the needs of the people whom you are talking to, and let them know you know those needs as soon as you start. One of your early comments could be something like “I know you’re here today to learn how we can help our students feel more engaged, and I have some terrific answers from a pilot program we did.” And tell the truth. “Even if you don’t love everything you’re saying,” says Zarit, “find the seed that’s authentic—the truth/benefit you can really relate to.”

Work hard to make your lead compelling (with a story, for instance, or a provocative stat). One way to structure a talk or speech—especially when you’re new at the game—is to promise the audience that you are going to give them three things to take away—and then do just that. That structure will give you a sense of security. Plus, people like to know where a talk is headed, and they seem to like things in threes, partly because it’s an easy number to remember. Check out Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s excellent TED speech on YouTube as proof.

Write and edit your remarks, and then let them sit for a day so you can come back to them with a fresh eye. The better your speech, and the more you believe in it, the more confident you will feel.

Steal a few moments before you go on to get centered.
Step briefly away from people—or even go into another room—and let yourself relax and be still for a moment. Repeat a positive mantra to yourself (i.e., “I have great information to share today”). One of
Cosmo
’s cover photographers told me that when he was watching Beyoncé shoot a video, he noticed that she seemed to be in a “meditative state” in the seconds before they began. “And then, in one instant,” he added, “she suddenly had all this energy surging through her.”

Before you start to talk, take about five or ten seconds and roam the room with your eyes, making contact with people in the audience.
I know—it sounds TERRIFYING. But I learned this trick in my first public speaking class, and it works fabulously. People will look back expectantly (and some even warmly) and you will feel far more relaxed.

Pause before you state key points.
That’s another Zarit tip. People find it very compelling.

When you make eye contact with individuals in the audience—and you must—hold it for at least a few seconds.
People love that, too.

Always end with a great kicker.

Videotape yourself giving a speech and have the guts to watch it.
Note your strengths (to be leveraged the next time) and your weaknesses. Did you use lots of fillers, such as “um,” or were you lacking in energy? It may be painful, but this is how you will blossom.

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9 Ways to Look and Sound Powerful
 
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Y
ou know a powerful woman when you see her, don’t you? She generally has a certain aura around her. Over the years, through my work, I’ve been able to meet a number of women who have a lot of power in their jobs—Hollywood studio presidents, for instance, and U.S. senators. I once even had the privilege of hosting a luncheon at the White House with then First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton. Talk about a woman with an aura.