I Shouldn't Be Telling You This: Success Secrets Every Gutsy Girl Should Know (20 page)

Principle #7:
You can learn a lot from people’s body language if you pay attention
.
I’m fascinated with body language. I’ve not only written articles on it myself but also published lots of pieces with some of the top body language experts as sources. Reading a book by someone like Janine Driver or David Givens is worth the time, but you can also gain a lot just by tuning in to the gestures and expressions people use. Those movements are often quite literal. When someone can’t meet your eyes easily, trust me, he’s uncomfortable for some reason. When someone touches her lips or nose, she may feel awkward about what she’s saying (it could even be a lie). One gesture I’ve never read anything about but find quite revealing is when someone who is seated kicks his or her foot up a little—especially when you’ve just asked a question. It seems to signal that you’ve hit a nerve somehow. In fact, it’s almost the same thing that happens when a doctor taps your knee with a reflex hammer!

Also look for recurring patterns, or what poker players call a “tell.” I had a boss years ago whose eyes watered slightly when she didn’t like where the conversation was headed. That was so useful. I knew when to change the subject!

Principle #8:
When you’re trying to get into sync with someone, mirroring his or her body language works almost magically
.
While doing research for an article for a magazine I was editing, I stumbled on information one day about the power of mirroring people’s body language. It seemed awfully New Agey, but I found it intriguing. That same day I was having lunch with a writer I was trying to woo as a regular contributor and decided there was no harm in trying the technique. The lunch went well, and the writer accepted the offer. As we were leaving the restaurant, she stopped in her tracks and said, “I can’t quite explain it, but this was one of the best lunch meetings I’ve ever had.”

I felt a little guilty having used that lovely writer as a guinea pig, but I learned the value of mirroring that day. Lots of research backs it up—it’s simply a way to get into sync with someone you’re meeting with. If he puts his left hand into his lap, put your right hand in
your
lap. But wait a beat or two so it doesn’t seem obvious, and don’t mimic every gesture exactly.

Principle #9:
Sometimes the best way to extract information from people is to say nothing.
There will be times when you sense that people have something to tell you but are reluctant to do so. Do not pounce; it will only make them clam up. And don’t try getting aggressive. That generally doesn’t work either (unless you are working with a weapon or a water board, and I assume you are not). There’s a much better technique that’s sometimes called the “pregnant pause.” Just sit there and wait patiently.

Lawyers use this, including Cumberland County chief deputy district attorney Jon Birbeck, who is a great source for me when I’m writing my thrillers and mysteries. “Silence is an effective tool in getting anyone to talk,” he says. “Witnesses on the stand are uncomfortable with silence, so after a suspect answers a question on cross-examination, rather than jumping into the next question, count to eight silently while staring at your prey and then wait for him or her to start talking again. People are very, very uncomfortable with silence and a look, so they frantically try to break the quiet by rambling on and on.”

Principle #10:
To succeed in most fields, you have to demonstrate you can be part of a team
.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly linked the State Department to the Pentagon, trading staff members and ideas as part of an initiative connecting diplomacy, development, and defense. That sounds like some sweet teamwork. One part of teamwork entails being willing to compromise. My brother Jim, a hedge fund professional, taught me that the trick is to focus on areas of agreement. Each player should rank different points on a scale of one to five in terms of priority. When you discover all the points you agree on, it makes it easier to hash out the other stuff.

Principle #11:
When you need to make a point with someone (such as the desk clerk at the hotel that doesn’t have the right room for you), use the broken record technique
.
This is an approach I learned during my twenties when I was writing a lot about consumer rights, a hot topic at the time. If you’re not making headway, repeat your message again (and again), varying the words slightly each time but never raising your voice (“I understand you are full, but I requested a room on a nonsmoking floor, and it’s essential that I have one”). It’s very effective at wearing the person down. And because you don’t sound angry or emotional, you don’t make the other person defensive.

Principle #12:
People, even nice ones, will sometimes do something not very nice to you at work
.
In certain instances you see it coming—perhaps the person has a rep for a type of behavior and you know it’s only a matter of time before you end up on the hit list. But other times it comes out of nowhere and you experience the double whammy of not only being snakebit but also being blindsided.

There are a bunch of different ways people can mess with you at work. There’s passive-aggressive behavior, for instance. The person “forgets” to tell you important info, such as when a meeting is scheduled, and you end up arriving late. Then there’s sneaky stuff: a coworker goes around you on a matter you should be dealing with or takes credit for an idea of yours. In certain instances this is done in a very subtle way—what you could call a “soft assault”—that (1) makes you wonder if you might have imagined it and (2) leaves you thinking that it might be best just to let it go. Here’s an example of what I mean. I was at a big meeting once where someone who dealt with my area in a marginal way made a comment about the terrific results of a project a staff member of mine had worked on. There was technically nothing wrong with what she said—it was totally positive—but by talking about it, she took ownership in an indirect way, and I’m sure some people at the meeting assumed she was involved.

Unfortunately, there’s also behavior that’s on a practically vicious level: you find that someone has been backstabbing you, spreading a rumor about you, or even undermining your efforts.

Why do people do bad stuff like this? Usually, I’ve found, it’s because they feel threatened on some level. You’re earning good marks, for instance, and they resent you for it. Or it may not have anything to do with you directly. They may feel anxious about not having any winning ideas, so they poach one that just happens to be yours. Idea stealers, I’ve found over the years, are almost always people who suck at coming up with good ideas themselves and are afraid it will catch up with them. (By the way, when you have a good idea, don’t go blabbing about it to coworkers; send it in an e-mail to your boss.)

When I started writing this book, I intended to have a whole chapter on all the types of bad behavior you might encounter from people and how to deal with each. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that though there are many transgressions that can occur on the job, you must deal with almost all of them in basically the same way: you must let the other person know that you disapprove of what just went down, and it had better not happen again. Dr. Atkins concurs. “In most cases,” she says, “this will mean that the person’s actions are now ‘public,’ even if you and she are the only people who know what’s going on. There’s a better chance of the offender taking responsibility and watching their actions if they are aware that what they did is not going to be tolerated.”

Confronting the person will be awkward and you may try to talk yourself out of it, mentally reassuring yourself that it probably won’t happen again. Oh, but it
will.
That’s because by not saying anything, you’ve indicated to your coworker that you don’t mind her naughty behavior or are too much of a weenie to do anything about it. And what I’ve found is that the next time is often worse.

When you speak to someone about his or her behavior, avoid going in with your guns blazing. That can put the person so much on the defensive that you end up accomplishing nothing, except perhaps leaving a trail of bloodshed. Instead speak calmly and avoid making a direct accusation, as in “You’ve been complaining about my strategy to anyone who will freaking listen.” Dr. Atkins suggests something along the lines of “It’s come to my attention that you may have some issues with my project.” A pregnant pause can work great here. Give the person a chance to respond, even if it takes a minute. If he admits the truth, you can discuss the situation. End with a comment like, “We’re all working toward the same goal. If you have a problem in the future, please speak to me directly about it.”

If he denies the whole thing, don’t contradict him but instead say something such as “Well, I think it’s important for you to be aware that this is what people are saying.” This will not only prevent you from getting into an ugly back-and-forth but also put him on notice that you’re on to him and won’t accept further bad behavior.

When someone’s behavior just barely crosses the line, asking him or her a question can be a good way to show your displeasure or concern without causing things to heat up. With the woman who seemed to be trying to own my staffer’s idea, I called her after the meeting and said, “I’m curious. Why did you decide to bring up L.’s project?” She muttered something about simply wanting to compliment our efforts. “I think it’s best to leave it to L. to discuss in meetings,” I replied. “I don’t want anyone confused about how much work she did on it.”

Principle #13:
When you find yourself seriously annoyed by someone at work, it can often mean that you’re actually annoyed at yourself
.
Perhaps because you don’t like the way you responded in a situation. Or because the other person did something you wish
you’d
thought of.

Principle #14:
If someone pisses you off, it’s always better to count to ten (at the very least) before responding
.
When you need to address someone’s actions, avoid doing so until the steam stops coming out of your ears. Count to ten. Or if possible, sleep on it. The discussion will go far better, other coworkers will be less likely to get wind of the problem, and you won’t feel stupid afterward. If possible, handle the situation in person. E-mails have an ugly habit of blowing up in one’s face—and then there’s that awful trail. If you must respond to someone’s behavior by e-mail, write a draft without the person’s e-mail address in the “to” line. And imagine other people seeing it, because they very well might. Give yourself at least a few hours before sending it.

As
Morning Joe
cohost Mika Brzezinski told us for her
Cosmo
column, “If I’d known years ago that being calm leads to the most effective conversations with men (and women!), not only would I have spent less time getting upset, but I’d also be making a lot more money now.”

Principle #15:
Unless it’s absolutely essential, don’t drag your boss into a problem you’re having with a coworker.
The bottom line: if you tell your boss you’re having issues with someone, he’s probably going to assume that you are part of the problem. I learned that the hard way when I worked for Art Cooper at
Family Weekly.
A young female editor who’d been in charge of a failed special section of the magazine had to eventually be absorbed into my department, which meant she was now loosely reporting to me after having been fairly autonomous. She bristled when I gave her assignments and rolled her eyes at my comments in meetings, so I strode into Art’s office one day and told him what was going on. He shook his head in dismay. “The last thing we need here is the battle of the blondes,” he said. I cringed at his words. He was practically calling me a member of Female Jell-O Wrestlers of America. I knew then I should have done everything possible to sort out the situation myself.

Sometimes you have no choice but to involve your boss. If that’s the case, ask for his advice on a very professional level or suggest possible solutions that you want her input on. That way you come across as a grown-up rather than a tattletale or someone hopelessly out of her depth. What I should have said to Art was “Can I ask for your advice on something? K. is not used to having a top editor on her work, and she seems unhappy with the system as is. How would you suggest we handle it?”

Principle #16:
Even in the sanest workplaces, you can come face to face with a psycho.
Idea stealers, land grabbers, backstabbers, they all pale next to a coworker who is a psycho—someone totally unethical or narcissistic. Now, you may be lucky enough never to interact with one—I’ve met only a couple in my whole career—but unfortunately they do sometimes rear their ugly heads.

How do you know if you’ve encountered a psycho? Initially it’s tough because psychos often appear fairly normal (experts call this “wearing the mask of sanity”). But then one day he or she does something that’s the tip-off, something that, as Dr. Atkins says, leaves you slapping your head and silently asking “Wait, what just happened here?” Psycho behavior is totally out of line and over the top compared to anything else you’ve experienced.

Consider what happened to a friend of mine after law school. She went to work for a government agency, and not long after she started, she wrote an article she planned to submit to a trade journal for publication. First, though, she gave it to her boss—a sane-enough seeming guy—for his opinion. Weeks passed, and her boss didn’t return it. Since my friend was new on the job, she hated to nudge, so she bided her time. Finally she offered a gentle reminder, and her boss nodded in understanding. More time passed. Then lo and behold, my friend discovered her article published in a journal under her boss’s name!

“With this type of individual, it’s all about them, not about you or the goals of the company,” says Dr. Atkins. “They often stop at nothing and don’t see what they’re doing as wrong.”