I Shouldn't Be Telling You This: Success Secrets Every Gutsy Girl Should Know (25 page)

Breaking the rules means
doing what has been deemed impossible by simply tackling it in a whole different manner. Shortly after I became the editor in chief of
Child
magazine, I decided to conduct a series of focus groups of mothers with young kids. If I was going to be successful at my job, I needed to understand the main concerns of my audience. But the general manager informed me that there was no money in the budget for focus groups. How frustrating, I thought, because the company that owned
Child
seemed to be doing well. There were even two executive dining rooms in the building that top management, including the editors in chief, were allowed to use and simply charge the cost back to the company. With no ding to my magazine budget, I could entertain writers, experts, whomever. And then it hit me: why not bring in
mothers
for lunches and let them talk to my executive editor and me directly about their issues? So I started doing that on a regular basis—without, of course, telling anyone that the “guests” were readers. These were probably the only focus groups in the world whose participants were served gourmet food and glasses of Pinot Grigio.

Breaking the rules means
knowing it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission. During my first year at
Cosmo
we scheduled a fashion story that would feature clothes with Native American touches, and we decided that the perfect place to shoot it would be South Dakota. One day I stopped by the photo director’s desk to see how the plans were going. He told me we had a fabulous location, with lots of big sky and impressive buttes. “Maybe if we’re lucky,” I said, “some buffalo will stroll by when the photographer’s shooting.” The photo director looked at me almost indignantly. “Well, I’ve rented a herd,” he said. Wow, I remember thinking, he rented a freaking herd of buffalo. Impressive. Before I could say anything, he added, “They’re the same buffalo Kevin Costner used in
Dances with Wolves.
” Okay, even more amazing. Those buffalo were members of the Screen Actors Guild. I realized later that if the photo director had asked me if he could rent a herd of buffalo, I probably would have said no—an unnecessary extravagance. But since he’d just done it and the result would be fantastic, I was delighted.

When you ask permission to do something bold and different, you may very well get a knee-jerk “no” from the person you’re asking. But if you just go ahead and do it, she may love it.

If you haven’t been a rule breaker up until now, you’re going to have to take a deep breath and do it. Start small. Initially you may want to give yourself a little safety net. Let’s say your boss asks you to come up with ideas for an off-site retreat guaranteed to improve everyone’s energy and motivation. She mentions places where these retreats have been held in the past, implying that you should find something similar. But you come up with an idea that’s incredibly unusual (holding it at a clown-arts college!), one that you’re convinced will get people totally psyched. Present a few standard ideas to your boss, but then say you have a wildcard idea you’d love her to consider, as well. That way she sees you as someone who can think both inside and outside of the box—and it will make it easier for her to entertain the wildcard concept.

Here’s a bit of good news about rule breaking: it becomes easier the more you do it. I won’t lie; sometimes you may find yourself in hot water for having done something daring, but mostly you will discover that the right kind of rule breaking reaps big rewards, which will encourage you to do it again and again.

Two final pointers. First, you need to consider whether your gutsy move is the best way to accomplish what you want or just you being gutsy for gutsy’s sake. When I give speeches in different parts of the country, women sometimes come up to me at the cocktail party beforehand or at the book signing afterward and hand me something they want me to take a look at; it might be an article they’ve written or a product they’ve created. And invariably they say something such as “I know you think it’s important to break the rules, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m handing this to you directly rather than mailing it to you.”

Here’s the problem with that approach: when I’m giving a speech, I always travel with just a carry-on suitcase (which most people would realize if they thought about it), so why would I want to have something else to lug home with me?

So think it through. Does your rule breaking make sense for what your goal is? Or are you just being a show-off?

Second, you need to make rule breaking part of your regular repertoire, not something you do on a sporadic basis when the mood strikes. When I arrived at
Cosmo
, I quickly saw that as the editor of an edgy magazine, I’d better be a rule breaker 24/7. I developed the habit of starting every day with the question “What am I going to do to break the law today?”

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Advanced Networking (Never Say You’re Too Busy to Do It)
 
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I
don’t have to tell you that’s it’s important to network. Every career book and article recommends it, and you probably did your fair share of it when you were first breaking into your field. Networking also happens regularly among supersuccessful people—to some degree because it’s an almost organic part of their work lives. They’re invited to lots of occasions because of their jobs, plus they’ve got expense accounts, which allow them to take people out to meals and go to events and conferences. Their companies may even cover membership in social clubs.

What I’ve noticed, however, is that when you’re at a midlevel of success, it can be easy to let the networking trail off unless you start looking for a new job. You may become so busy that you hate leaving your desk at lunch or skipping out early for a cocktail party. You may also feel you’re beyond those gigunda industry meet and greets. As for dining with new contacts, you probably don’t have a huge expense account that allows you to do much of it.

But you need to keep your networking going at full throttle. The chance to meet, talk to, and get to know new people not only provides you with a ton of great info but also many of them can become valuable resources—if not today, at some point. When I was selling my second nonfiction book, the editor who bought it said that a big advocate for the book in her company was a woman who’d once sat next to me at an industry luncheon.

First and foremost, be sure to join any important professional associations in your field. Your company may even pay for membership if you request it. If you have to pay the dues yourself, they’re at least tax-deductible. If you feel that some of the events or cocktail parties those organizations hold are for people on a more junior level, volunteer to be on a committee with more senior players. Check your calendar each month, and make sure you always have events like this booked.

Take advantage of invitations you receive to professional events, even if you may not know a soul. Once you’re there, spend a few minutes scoping out the scene. Say hello to anyone you know, even vaguely, just to warm up. Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself to individuals you recognize and would like to meet or anyone who simply looks interesting. It’s a networking event, so no one should be weirded out about your sidling up to them and saying hello.

Of course, breaking into a group can be intimidating and potentially awkward. “One way to ease into a group conversation,” says Hilary Gumbel, a consultant for the U.S. Fund for UNICEF (and wife of TV journalist Bryant Gumbel), “is to be interested in what is being discussed without any particular motive. Curiosity is a healthy and natural icebreaker. By indicating interest in the subject of the conversation, you are then interacting with people and can eventually focus your attention toward the particular person you want to meet. The opportunity to be introduced will present itself.”

When you shake hands with someone you’ve just met, hold the person’s gaze for as long as you can. Years ago, when I was writing an article on the power of eye contact, one of the experts I interviewed, who’d studied eye contact in baboons, told me that if you look away first, it can be read as a sign of submissiveness. Many people (and this holds particularly true for women) always look away first, sometimes just out of habit. When you hold a person’s gaze, it fosters a connection, and outlasting the other person can make you seem intriguing to him or her on a subconscious level. When I sat next to former president Bill Clinton at dinner (I know,
president-name-dropper
), I discovered that he’s as legendary as people say for making you feel as if you’re the only one in the room. Holding your gaze is part of how he does it.

Now it’s time for you to make chitchat. If you feel at all awkward dealing with strangers, there’s only one secret you need to know to make it easier:
people love to talk about themselves
, especially to a receptive audience. If you ask lots of questions and give people your ear, they will find it intoxicating. After I first spent a little time with Helen Gurley Brown, I discovered that she was a master at asking questions of people and listening intently to the answers. Sometimes she wouldn’t respond right away but instead would seem to consider the answer in her mind, as if she really wanted to understand it. That kind of pregnant pause almost guaranteed you would tell her even more.

So ask and listen. It’s fine to start with basic questions such as “How long have you worked at such and such?” When the person responds, don’t just nod or jump in with a statement about how what she just said relates to you somehow; instead, probe further about what she revealed. “Dig deeper,” says Gumbel. “Connect to their interests, passions, and experiences. Humor also helps. Find something ironic or funny to build your commonality—a movie, book, or personal experience.”

As long as you are taking the time to go to something, show up at the right moment and make it count. A few months ago a former work colleague and I realized that we’d both be attending a conference in Massachusetts and decided to drive up together. A couple of days beforehand, the woman announced that she needed to support a friend by attending a talk the friend was giving, meaning that she would miss the afternoon session of the conference. Then, the night before, she called me to say that she had to run a personal errand in the morning and would meet me at the conference. In the end, she attended only the lunch. I realized that she’d paid for the conference and spent hours traveling there and returning, but reaped little from it beyond the rubbery chicken served at the meal.

If an event seems worth your time, don’t just do a drive-by. Arrive when a critical mass of people will be there (a friend of mine calls this “the swell”) and in time to hear any remarks. An event planner I know says that for a two-hour business cocktail party, the best time to catch the swell is about twenty minutes after the start. And if you leave thirty minutes before the end time, she says, you won’t miss anything.

It’s nice to exit with a few good business cards in hand. If you meet someone you like or who seems key to know, follow up with an e-mail saying you enjoyed meeting the person. If it seems appropriate, suggest getting together for lunch, or breakfast (cheaper!). And it’s essential to have a few restaurants that you return to again and again. The maître d’ will look out for you when you’re with an important guest (don’t forget to sometimes tip him as well as the waiter).

In addition to meeting people, I like to come back from every event and speech with
one
good idea. Telling myself in advance that I’m going to do that nudges me to ask the kind of questions that help an idea to form.

Everyone you meet should go into a people file (organized by categories) that you keep on your computer or phone. Include a few details about the person. Selected names should be placed on your “big-mouth” e-mail list. People on your big-mouth list then get sent an e-mail notification when you have important career news—for instance, you’ve switched jobs, been promoted, or started your own business (
not
when you have a Funny or Die video to share).

If you suspect that one day you may want to ask a person you’ve met for a professional favor, do what Marisa Ollins, the PR director of Henri Bendel, calls “the pre-ask”: contact the person at some point without needing anything. Offer congratulations on news you’ve read about him or her, or share a link to a story that relates to a topic you discussed when you met. If you’ve already had some exchanges with the person, it’s easier to ask for his help later. But don’t become a stalker. A few young women I’ve met casually have sent me way too many e-mails applauding what I do. I’m waiting for the one that says, “Congratulations! I hear your Pap test was normal.”

When you do ask for a professional favor, be polite but direct. “Unlike men, women tend to beat around the bush too much,” says Julie Kampf, the president of JBK Associates. “You need to come right out and ask rather than warm up with chitchat.” Say something such as “You once said you’d be glad to introduce me to so and so, and I’d love to take you up on that offer now. Can you make an e-mail introduction?”

And then thank the person, for God’s sake. Not just by e-mail. When someone does a professional favor for you, send a handwritten note. Or even a bottle of wine if it was a big enough favor. I cannot tell you the number of times people have networked with me and been all gushy gushy when they asked for a favor, and once I
did
the favor, I never heard a peep from them again. If you’re one of those people and are reading this, please lose my number.

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When Bad Things Happen
 
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N
o matter how terrific your job is and how good you are at it, sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes, in fact, they can go horribly wrong. I cringe when I think of the big goofs I’ve made over the years.

One crisis can be very different from another, and so they have to be handled on a case-by-case basis. But here’s some basic wisdom on staying cool in different types of crises and coming out relatively unscathed afterward.