Read I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that Online
Authors: The Betches
I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (23 page)
Also, breaking up with someone who you know isn’t right for you shows that you respect yourself enough to not waste your own time trying to make something that you know is shitty work just because you’re lonely or because your cousin Natalie’s wedding is coming up and you don’t want to deal with your grandma’s rant about the drawbacks of dying
alone. Some idiots will tell you that there is no right way to break up with someone, but that’s bullshit. There’s a right way to do everything: Our way. Here’s how to break up, based on what stage of your relationship you’re in when you decide you’ve gotta be free.
You’ve been on one to four dates and are not into him:
You wait until the guy texts you and asks you to do something again. Then you respond with some variation of the following via text message:
Hey I had a nice time hanging out with you but I just don’t feel a romantic connection.
If he has any dignity, he will respond thanking you for your honesty and wishing you well. If he’s a little bitch, he won’t respond, and if he’s truly psychotic, he will write something mean back.
You’ve been dating two to four months but are not exclusive:
You can either call him on the phone or meet up in person for coffee (don’t expect him to pay). Tell him you’ve had a great time hanging out but you’re not ready for something serious. Everyone who’s not a fucking idiot knows this is code for the fact that you’re just not that into them and very few will delve deeper. Say you hope you see him around and that he has a great summer/birthday/dental cleaning/whatever random bullshit he’s told you is coming up in the near future. You then exit fairly quickly.
He is your boyfriend and you are exclusive:
The breakup must be done in person, and you can share with him the actual reason that the relationship isn’t working out. Don’t use
phrases like “I don’t think I can do this,” “It’s not me it’s you,” or “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me” without an explanation because if you’ve dated him long enough to be in a relationship he deserves a real reason, not some clichéd catchphrase you heard in a movie. Giving someone an honest answer for your rejection is the nicest thing you can do for them because it helps them find closure and then they won’t feel betrayed or blindsided.
He’s your husband:
That’s what divorce paper process servers are for, am I right?
There comes a time in most betches’ lives when they are on the receiving end of a breakup. I mean, even Taylor Swift has been dumped and she’s six feet tall, blond, and weighs the same as she did at birth. Shit happens and getting your heart broken can make you into a stronger person and more resilient to challenges that come your way. Getting through the pain of a breakup can actually help you next time Saks is out of your size in the booties you’re dying to have for fall. It’s extremely painful to be rejected and you may be surprised at the horrible things that go through your mind as your brain scans revenge fantasies about him losing a limb, or worse, becoming obese (or whatever voodoo magic Adrienne Bailon did to usher in the current state of Rob Kardashian).
Depending on how long you’ve been dating a guy, the recovery period will definitely vary. During this trying time it’s easy to become the most desperate, pathetic version of yourself but don’t go there. Time and a hot rebound bro heal all wounds, and it’s important to remind yourself that this guy was not right for you. If he were, he would never have let you go. Fucking duh.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
—Nietzsche and Kelly Clarkson, respectively
Here are some handy post-break-up etiquette rules to get you past the initial heartbreak:
DO | DON’T |
Unfollow him on social media. No sane woman needs to see her ex’s every move. | Stalk him or message him on social media. You will look psycho and desperate. |
Cut off all contact. No texts, DMs, drive-bys, surprise visits to his bedroom window, etc. | Tell him that you are cutting off all contact. He will understand what’s happened when you don’t fucking contact him anymore. |
Remind yourself of his worst qualities whenever you start to think about him. Think of his shadiness, his selfishness, the fact that he wasn’t that attentive in bed, etc. If you can’t think of anything on the spot, a simple “he ain’t shit” should do the trick. | Stare at pictures of the two of you from when you were happy and smell the sweater that he left in your apartment. |
Be pleasant if you run into his family or friends. | Try to keep in contact with his family. They’re collateral damage of the breakup. |
Say hello quickly if you see him at a party or bar. Then move on to talking to someone else immediately. | Hook up with him. Ever. Even if you’re at a mutual friend’s wedding and his hair looks sexy pushed back. |
The social media breakup is a hurdle unfamiliar to previous generations of betches, and it can sting worse than an unanswered 12:45 a.m. text. When things end, either because you never really became official or because you ended your five-year relationship, social media can be a torture device unlike any other. Seeing pictures of your ex with others can make you go insane, and even seeing his newly accepted friend requests can send you into a stalking-rampage downward spiral. Most girls know the desperate agony of being up until three a.m. on the Insta of some girl their ex has newly friended in order to gain pivotal information, like the fact that she won her high school track competition in 2008.
Wow, he really traded up,
you think, downing your fifth glass of Cabernet. It’s really not a good look.
When you break up, it’s pivotal to do everything in your power to see as little of your ex’s public information as possible. Nothing can ruin a perfectly normal day like seeing a Snapchat of him canoodling on the beach with a girl or being checked in by a stranger at that bagel shop that used to be your Sunday morning spot. Self-control has never been more important than in this phase of the relationship because without it you will drive yourself to a mental breakdown, or worse, turn into a Karen.
“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.”
—Joan Crawford
Avoiding all his social media as much as humanly possible is ideal. If you look, the best case is that you find nothing and know the same things you knew before. Worst case, you see pictures of his new hot girlfriend and fight the urge to have a breakdown à la 2007 Britney. You’re not Kylie Jenner, you can’t pull off a wig.
Here are some good tips for social media breakups on the most popular apps of today. “So what,” you cry, “are the rules for each site? They’re all so different!” Calm down, Betch, we got it:
App | What to Do |
Facebook | Stay friends with him but unfollow. This way you don’t seem bitter, but you won’t get any updates about him on your newsfeed. If you want to avoid poking your eyes out with your selfie stick, DO NOT go onto his page until you are fully over it. You can also unfollow his friends and anyone else remotely connected to him for extra security against seeing shit you definitely don’t want to see. |
Twitter | Stay off Twitter immediately following your breakup. No one wants to read your sad quotes about “better to have loved and lost . . . ” anyway, weirdo. |
Instagram | Although unfollowing on Instagram is not a power move, sometimes it is necessary if getting reminders of him really causes you pain. If he’s over you, he probably won’t notice one less follower anyway, and if he’s not it’ll drive him crazy that you can’t see his updates. |
Snapchat | Unfollow. He won’t notice unless he’s obsessed with social media and in that case, you should be glad to be rid of him anyway. The last thing you need to see is a Snap Story of him in South Beach at his friend’s bachelor party. |
LinkedIn | Why the fuck are you looking at LinkedIn, nerd? |
On-again/off-again relationships are rarely functional, and we highly discourage them. Would you Rent the same dress from the Runway over and over again? No. If a guy breaks up with you, he has majorly fucked up. But in our personal experience, all guys come back, in one form or another. And why wouldn’t they? You are perfect, and he thought he could discard you. He needs to be punished for that. It can be tempting to get back together with a person who made you feel feelings and then bounced, but it is generally a really shitty idea. That said, it’s your life, and sometimes recycling to keep your number low is a thing. Your decision to take him back or not should be based on your answers to the following two questions.
1.
What is his reason for why things are different this time?
Ask him. If his answer is that he’s lonely or that he thinks you guys had fun together, then
fuck that
. If he feels like he’s in a place where he’s more mature and he tells you that he deeply regrets his decision and majorly fucked up and is willing to be ten times better to you, you might be able to entertain the proposition. But you should only even think of letting yourself go there if the answer to question 2 is yes.
2.
Do you feel like he is really special and could be the one that got away?
Never get back together with a guy who dumped you just because you are bored. Get a hobby if you’re bored. You never want to be someone’s back-burner bitch, it’s not a good look. Unless you feel like this guy is seriously one of a kind and you’ll never ever meet anyone half as great as him, then you should tell him to fuck off. Word to the wise, though: Be honest with yourself. It’s tempting to just do what seems easiest in the moment when you’re not thinking about your long-term future. Take like, three seconds to really think it over.
Bottom line: Don’t get back together with your fucking summer-lifeguard fling. You’re better than that.
One last note:
If, after careful contemplation, you
do
decide that this guy is EXTREMELY LUCKY and deserves another shot, don’t tell him that immediately. The best move here is to say you’ll think about it, and then let him start from the beginning and date you from square one all over again. God forbid this guy should think that he can have you and dump you whenever he wants, like some sort of New York Sports Club gym membership.
“I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you every day for a year.” (TBH, there’s no mail on Sundays, but you get the idea.)
—Inspirational rebound bro move from
The Notebook
Betch, you are Soho House. Once a guy has unsubscribed, you can bet it’s going to be fucking hard to get back in. You need to make him grovel, or he won’t realize how big of a fuckup he’s made. No one should ever think they could have you whenever they want, so he better have a plan for how much better things are going to be this time. You’re a VIP, you’re Beyoncé, remember? Would she take that shit? We think not.
Side note:
It’s best not to put out
at all
during this time.
Endearing Habits vs. Annoying Habits by Head Pro
Habits are like assholes; everyone has a few of them. You can argue about what, exactly, makes men and women “different” until the human race has reduced Earth to a lifeless crag hurtling purposelessly through space, but at the end of the day we can all generally agree that each sex has unique quirks. Some of those differences can actually constitute what makes us alluring to the opposite sex, while others are annoying enough to make us wonder why they even exist. Whether inherently feminine or just the byproduct of a sexist-ass society, the following are examples of quirks that men find endearing (or at least tolerable) while dating, versus behaviors that make us want to jump into a volcano.
Endearing | Annoying as Fuck |
Asking us which pair of shoes, earrings, etc. you should wear even though you don’t actually care what we say. | Making us late because you can’t actually decide which pair of shoes, earrings, etc. to wear. |
Suggesting we have a “guys’ night,” even if it’s really so that you can have a “girls’ night.” | Saying it’s cool if we have a “guys’ night” and then texting us every five fucking minutes asking what we’re up to. |
Taking a little longer to look extra hot for a special night out. | Monopolizing the bathroom for four hours so we’re forced to shave in the kitchen sink. |
Appealing to our manly sensibilities by letting us drive/lead/navigate. | Making us drive and then bitching about our driving the whole time. |
Venting/confiding in us when you’ve had a rough day. | Getting mad at us when we try to actually solve the problem. |
Wearing something attractive at the expense of comfort. | Ruining our good time by complaining the entire night about how your feet hurt. |
Being cute/snuggling/smooching during a movie. | Talking so much during a movie that you make us pause it to tell you what just happened. |
Mixing things up by suggesting that we go out of town for the weekend. | Packing fifty pounds of shit in five suitcases for a two-night trip. |
Catching us up on all the gossip going on in your office or friend group. | Talking so much shit about your “friends” that we wonder why you hang out with them at all. |
Asking us what we think about your new outfit. | Asking us if your new outfit makes you look fat. |
