I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (18 page)

Hi Head Pro!

I need some advice. I’ve hooked up with this guy a handful of times and am starting to develop some feelings for him. (Hence, me spending x amount of time writing this e-mail to ask for advice.) This guy is the type that is super attracted to bold and confident girls. I’m a big believer in the guy being the one to pursue the girl because, call me old-fashioned but, if he wants it bad enough he would, right?? So I’ve been playing hard to get like it’s my job, but he doesn’t really make that big of an effort with me. Normally I would classify that as a “he’s just not that into you” situation but this Friday my friend was talking to him at a party and he asked about me and she asked him why he hadn’t approached me at the party. He responded with, “Well she doesn’t really respond to my texts/Snapchats so I don’t really think she’s interested in me.” My friend responded that she doesn’t necessarily think that’s true, but that I just like to play hard to get and be pursued. He goes back, “Well I play hard to get, too.”

Is it really possible that two people can game play this hard-core with each other, or was his response just a cop out and he’s really not that into me?

Give it to me straight up!

Sincerely,

Serial Gamer

Dear Serial Gamer,

Jesus, where to start? First, it’s intellectually dishonest to fuck a guy a few times and call yourself “old-fashioned.” Second, you seem to have a very fundamental misunderstanding of what it means to “play hard to get.” For instance, in no way does “playing hard to get” or “being old-fashioned” conflict with being bold or confident. It also doesn’t particularly describe the situation you’ve found yourself in, where you hooked up with a guy and then decided there was something to be gained by ignoring all of his attempts to contact you.

“Playing hard to get,” for the uninitiated (and we
are
initiated, aren’t we, Serial Gamer?), describes the means by which you keep someone on the line. It’s the push/pull, the give and take that occurs in a fledgling relationship (and even a mature one, if you know what’s up). It’s communicating pleasantly with someone, but not agreeing to go out on a date just yet. It’s dating someone casually, but not being DTF right away. Basically, it’s creating positive experiences and reinforcement for someone, but leaving them wanting a little more each time until they’re sufficiently invested in you as a person. It behooves both men and women to do this.

Guys view intimacy as linear, also known as the “escalation ladder” in creepy PUA-type circles. First comes interest, then dating, then kissing, then sex, etc. Basic “sex as a baseball analogy” stuff. It theoretically works in reverse, too—if a girl will sleep
with you, then she’ll probably go on a date with you, too. By doing one but not the other, you’ve completely fucked with his whole paradigm. When his data set consists of a handful of hookups and a bunch of unanswered texts, his only conclusion is that he was wrong, you weren’t really that into him and it was just a fling.

It’s not an issue of you both playing the Game too hard as much as it is you trying too hard to play the Game incorrectly. If you like the guy, you kind of have to work with him a little if you want him to know you’re open to being pursued. The Game isn’t hard if you’re playing it right.

Elusive kisses,

Head Pro

SPARK NOTES

The period of time after you’ve started dating but before you DTR can be nerve-wracking for both parties. Your relationship has no label, but you’re both enjoying each other’s company. That said, there have been no claims of exclusivity so you cannot and should not expect anything from this person. Thankfully, this also means you don’t owe them shit. Here are some key points to remember when navigating the treacherous time before the guy you’re dating puts up an Instagram official photo of the two of you:

•
 NEVER assume exclusivity or anything else about your relationship. The Game can be a
powerful tool in not coming on too strong and to ensure that he’s still chasing you.

•
 If you are ghosted or otherwise broken up with during this stage, move on promptly. Don’t try to salvage anything. He did you a favor.

•
 Eliminate toxic Almost Boyfriends who won’t commit. After a certain point, a guy will either want to be with you exclusively or not. As they say, shit or get off the pot.

•
 Don’t bitch about the hookup culture being the reason for your failed relationship. People treat you as well as you demand to be treated.

³
This is hard to maneuver without looking desperate and ruining everything. Just one forced Instagram will end it with Bro One. Please do not attempt if you are not a seasoned manipulator.

C
ongrats, Betch, you’ve decided you like this person enough to spend a lot of time with him and be in an actual relationship. Hopefully, you’re positive he likes you just as much or even more. This is no small feat as finding a guy worthy of your affection is about as easy as figuring out how to use Reddit.

We can’t stress this enough: The biggest relationship faux pas is assuming you’re exclusive.

You’ll always feel and look like a fucking nut job when you realize it wasn’t the case. So then how do you know if you should be hooking up with other bros or if you’re not the only girl on his radar? So happy you asked because it’s really not that hard.

Exclusive or Not Exclusive, That Is the Question (of This Chart)

Why did we put the “probably” in parentheses above? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!? Calm down, psycho. It means that if he does the things in the “Not” column, it may not necessarily mean he doesn’t want to be exclusive; it could either mean he’s clueless or a more overtly sexual person. Which is fine. However, if he doesn’t
also
do the things in the left column then erase the “probably” because he’s not looking to settle down with you anytime soon.

A note on if your guy happens to fall in the “Not” column, without the
probably
. Ask yourself, can you maintain a casual relationship while knowing this bro is dating other people? If yes, then continue hooking up with him. Realistically,
if you ever wanted to be exclusive in the first place, the answer to that question in most cases is almost always fuck no. But since betches are so amazing at manipulation, sometimes without realizing we end up being the victims of our own mind-fuck. We tell ourselves that we’re chill and can totally handle this. NBD.

But all of a sudden you find yourself interpreting each and every one of his texts like you’re in the NSA.
He used only one Y in hey this time. OMG is he in the hospital or something!?
So like, yeah you have a problem. You’re no longer the chill girl you thought you would be. You’re the anti-chill. You’re the tepid girl, the one who wants the guy who clearly showed you he doesn’t want commitment, to commit. And you created this problem for yourself. You let yourself get too deep and now you’re drowning in a fucking pool of tepid water where no one will save you except self-reflection, a new guy, or your therapist. Sorry, betches have a flare for drama. But it’s true.

Don’t cry. Your life isn’t over. Think about all the free time you’d been spending analyzing eleven p.m. “hey wanna hang out” texts.
OMG he texted me! But it’s kinda late. He was probably working. Ugh he’s such a hard worker. How long do I wait to text? He’s prob gonna open a bottle of wine, so it’s def considered a date. OMG shit I have to shave!
You have all that time back now. You didn’t lose a potential boyfriend because this dick was never going to be your boyfriend in the first place. And if you think you can change that by doing things that you think he likes, that’s just desperate and you’ve just lost your chance at ever sitting with us.

Let’s rewind a bit. After reading the chart you’ve come to the conclusion that he probably wants to be exclusive, but now your problem is that he’s still not initiating the talk or introducing you as his girlfriend. What do you do? Sometimes this guy needs a little nudge in the right direction.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
taught us two things: Women with big noses can find love, too, and it’s easy to convince a man to do what you want if you make him think he came up with it himself.

How you should NOT initiate the exclusivity conversation:

•
 Use your whiny voice to ask him
Are you my boyyyyyyfraaaand yaaaatttt??

•
 Text him
Like, are we exclusive or what?

•
 Drunkenly text him
Are we exclusive or what because I’m about to hook up with someone. You have 5 seconds to respond.

Instead, if you truly feel confident that he also wants to be exclusive, you should bring up the subject by making him the slightest bit jealous. Let’s say he’s going away for the weekend or going out for a big night with his friends. You’re having a lighthearted conversation with him about it and you casually mention
Soooo are you gonna hook up with like, all the girls this weekend?
The delivery is really important here; if you come off serious or like a psycho, this will backfire. If he gets your sense of humor he will hopefully answer you
Haha no and the same goes for you.
If he sort of laughs it off
and doesn’t say anything, then either he’s awkward or you should reevaluate the chart.

However, if you are not confident in this approach, in his desire to date you, or in your own ability to be sarcastic then you should try a more traditional method: The Adult Conversation.

Ughhhhhh, adulthood. Here’s what you do:

What:
You’re going to ask him about being exclusive.

Where:
In person, at dinner or drinks.

When:
When he’s in a good mood.

How:
You have to be super light and flirty about this. Do not come on too strong but be confident in yourself. Start with, “So I’m not trying to have any serious, drawn-out conversation about our relationship right now, I just want to ask you something.” He will most definitely get nervous so don’t pause for too long. If anything diffuse the tension by laughing and be like, “Haha calm down I’m not pregnant.”

Then say, “We’ve been together for a while and I want to know where you stand on us, specifically about dating other people.” And that’s it. Let him go from there. Even if there’s an awkward pause—and there might be—hold your ground. Do not feel the need to ramble incessantly about each and every one of your feelings. You were adult enough to bring up the convo, it’s his turn to tell you his opinion on the matter. Just give him like, the same level of intense eye contact you’d
give a girl wearing kitten heels, until he feels uncomfortable and understands. If he asks you what you think about it, be sincere and straightforward. Refrain from screaming I DO!

Above all: Remain breezy. Go with something like “I mean we get along really well, and I have a good time with you, so I just want to know what your thoughts are about it.” If he’s not a total asshole or deathly afraid of commitment then he will most likely give you an honest answer.

Why:
Stop asking me fucking questions.

Before you go and say, “But why do you automatically assume that we are the ones who are desperate for exclusivity?” Because, loser, if he’d asked you or brought it up first, then you wouldn’t be reading this shit for actual advice. If you have to ask, you will most likely NOT like the answer, but better to find out before delving too deeply into your own fantasy life.

In reality, you should strive to be the girl to whom bros ask the tough relationship questions. Don’t forget, you’re a betch, you have a reputation to uphold. You value your hotness and uniqueness. There’s no other girl who has your specific combination of cute, funny, confident, and perfect pores. You want to be that aloof betch who has guys lined up and down blocks to date you. Are super-elite nightclubs cool because they let everyone in? Um no, they are super selective and charge guys a shit-ton to even get in. Consider yourself a club and be picky about the relationships you enter. That’s the girl you want to be, and that’s why you should read further.

These days there are many, many ways to lock down a bro and define your relationship that are way more accurate than just saying you’re “dating” or “in love” or some other gross bullshit like that. So the next time you’re about to fall asleep and some bro whispers “What are we?” into your ear, break it down for him with one of these more modern definitions.

This is the dude who you text regularly, you like each other’s shit on Insta and if you do end up in the same room there is a 90 percent chance you’ll sit on his lap at some point in the evening, but you know you’re never going to fuck him. Some people call this the “friendzone” but FNF is more than that because you’re not really friends. You just hit him up at random times (usually when another bro is pissing you off), flirt, and then let him go back to whatever it is he does when you’re not gracing him with your presence. Occasionally when you’re really bored you’ll make out with him.