I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that
Read I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that Online
Authors: The Betches
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To all the hot messes who struggle to find love.
A continuing special thanks to our friends and families who supplied us with their crazy stories, without which this book would never have been written.
Having a Boyfriend for the Sake of Having a Boyfriend
Quotes About Love and Why They’re Bullshit
Cue the Tears and Chocolate: There’s No Such Thing as a Soul Mate
Chapter 1: Hot Messes Need Love Too: Preparing to Date
Getting Your Shit Together: It’s Like Sephora for the Soul
How to Get Your Shit Together, Ugh
What Are Men Attracted To? (by Head Pro)
Shit Girls Care About (That Guys Don’t Even Notice)
Chapter 2: So Now I’m Like, Really Pretty, Where Do I Find Him?: Getting Out There
Online Dating: It’s Only Weird If You Make It Weird
Do Guys Care About Your Job? (by Head Pro)
What Guys Think of Your Profile (by Head Pro)
When Is It Okay for Me to Hit On a Guy? (by Head Pro)
Chapter 3: The Way It Begins Is the Way It Ends: Hookups and Fuck Ups
Flirting via Social Media: How to Make Sure You Never Get a Dick Pic
Flirting: From a Bro’s Perspective (by Head Pro)
Use It or Lose It: Ditching the Dead Weight
PSA: Do Not Accept These Dates
Chapter 4: Don’t Push It, Focker: The Early Stages
When It’s Too Early to Show Your Crazy Side
Things Guys Do (and Continue to Do) That We Don’t Want You to Know About (by Head Pro)
Early-Stage Social Media Etiquette: Take the Backseat
Social Media: A Curse for the Shady Bros Living in a Shady World
What His Social Media Says About Him: Less Is More
Dealbreakers from a Guy’s Perspective (by Head Pro)
What Guys Think When You Decide to Have Sex with Them
Seriously, Though: Don’t Fucking Get Ahead of Yourself
Chapter 5: Making It or Breaking It: The Dating Process
Chill the Fuck Out, He Is Not Your Boyfriend Yet (by Head Pro)
How to Deal with Being Ghosted
You Were Never Really Dating: Getting Over the Almost Boyfriend
How Do You Eliminate Him from Your Life Despite the Fact That You Like, Really Don’t Want To
So You’re Dating a Psycho . . . Dealbreakers in Casual Dating
Dealbreakers from a Guy’s Perspective (by Head Pro)
Chapter 6: Lock That Shit Down: Getting into a Relationship
Defining Relationships in the Twenty-First Century
Why Social Media Is the Fucking Worst for Relationships
You Have a Boyfriend: Now What?
Meeting the Friends and Family: Oh Fuck
Shitty Things You Should
NOT
Do in Relationships
How to Fight Without Setting All His Clothes on Fire
Dealing with His Annoying AF Tendencies
Dealbreakers in Relationships (by Head Pro)
Crying: How to Do It Without Becoming a Nicegirl
Cheating: Is It Ever Excusable?
This Isn’t Working Out. How Do I Get Him to GTFO?
I Just Got Dumped. WTF Do I Do Now!?
What If He Tries to Get Back Together with Me? Should I Let Him?
Endearing Habits vs. Annoying Habits (by Head Pro)
Chapter 7: Commitment and Shit: The “Serious” Relationship, Womp, Womp
Changing Your Guy: Acceptance vs. Cutting Your Losses
How Do I Know If My Relationship Is Moving Forward or Dunzo?
Should You Ever Be the One to Broach Topics Like Engagement or Moving In?
Sex: How to Stay Drunk in Love
Ultimatums: Are They Ever Okay?
Does the Guy Just Know? (by Head Pro)
Getting Engaged: Two Souls, One Shiny Rock
Weddings: Defining the Bridal Betch
So Once I Get Married Do I Get to Quit My Job Immediately?
Prenups: Should I Get One or Are They Like, So Last Season?
Stay Hot, It’ll Make Everyone Happy
How to Avoid the Marriage “Trap” (by Head Pro)
Conclusion: You Can
Still
Skip This Part
O
h hey weirdo who reads dating books. Just coming home from that guy’s apartment, the guy you swore you were going to have “the talk” with two years ago? Watching
Orange Is the New Black
for the third consecutive Saturday night? Consistently looking at engagement rings on Pinterest even though you haven’t had a steady boyfriend in a while? You’ve come to the right place, Katherine Heigl. While most dating books are for newly divorced housewives with no marketable skills and girls who eat their feelings, this one is different. We’re not going to give you step-by-step instructions on how to successfully date and marry the man of your dreams or even give you anecdotal evidence of that one girl who gained forty pounds and her boyfriend still loved her anyway. (The only way that won’t matter is if he’s also fat and/or works for her rich father and has an eye on the corner office.) We’re here to tell you all those “road maps to finding The One” are bullshit, and the only way to master the art of not dying alone is realizing that dying
alone is no big deal when you’re going into the white light alongside the greatest person you know: You.
Most dating books will make you feel like a hopeless nicegirl, her lifeless body destined to be found among her twenty-seven cats while Taylor Swift’s “oldies but goodies” play on repeat. This book will betch slap you to reality, help you get your shit together, and remind you that the old Tay was lame as fuck.
Forgot What a Nicegirl Is?
“The nicegirl plays by the rules without ever questioning them. She’s dull, lacks depth, allows people to walk all over her yet brings nothing to the table herself. If she disappeared, you wouldn’t even notice. She’s the girl who rarely colors outside the lines of her life, and even then only in baby pink. She’s the kind of girl who uses a real bookmark. In other words, she’s boring as fuck.”
—The Betches
Contrary to popular belief, you’re not born knowing how to date and you have a lot of shit to learn. Plus, we’re not here to sugarcoat dating advice. Adding sugar to anything is going to seriously limit your dating prospects. So break out the Splenda, throw your cats out the window, and get in, loser; we’re going to fix your fucked-up love life.
But first, one of life’s major questions (besides the most
obvious: “Is butter a carb?”): Why even be in a relationship in the first place?
“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”
—Chelsea Handler
The answer to this question seems to be obvious (duh, how else are you going to fulfill your dreams of having an envy-inducing wedding, popping out gorgeous kids with ironic first names, and packing cute little gluten- and dairy-free lunches?) but it turns out it’s more complicated than it initially appears. Why even have a boyfriend? Unless you’re like extremely religious—in which case you’re already offended by much of this book—you don’t need to date to have sex. You don’t need to date to have kids (hello, in vitro). And you definitely don’t have to date to be reminded how amazing and beautiful you are. That’s what your grandma is for.
Being in a relationship isn’t always fun anyway. All of a sudden you have someone who wants to know where you are, what you’re doing, and to whom you’re sending Snapchats all the fucking time. It’s like, why are you so obsessed with me? If you’re with the right person, however, it can be super fun, and from a purely selfish standpoint at the very least you’ll learn a lot about yourself with each new relationship you fuck up. You’ll get to discover interesting new things about yourself like that you can be really bitchy when you’re hungry and that you could never handle dating
a guy with just a green Amex. He might as well pay with food stamps.
But finding that person isn’t easy . . . and if it is easy, then you’re probably in that relationship for the wrong reasons. If you’re lonely, get a friend. If you want attention, go on
The Bachelor
. If you want to have sex, walk outside.
The only reason you should be in a relationship is because your boyfriend/fiancé/husband/lover adds something awesome to your life, not because he completes it. You’re a betch, you have the privilege of your own company. You’re a hot commodity and your time and, more important, your affection are valuable, so why would you let just anyone in? I mean, would Beyoncé date Kevin Federline? Exactly.
Dating Exercise
Ask yourself:
Is he the Jay Z to your Beyoncé?
If no:
Dump him
If yes:
Keep him
If maybe:
What kind of car does he drive?
“There’s nothing worse than the girl who has never been single.”
—The Betches
It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who sucks. While having a boyfriend has its perks, so does being single. For instance, you can go out when
ever you want. You can make out with whomever you want. And if it’s been a long winter, you don’t even have to shave your vag. Win, win, win.
“Better alone than badly accompanied.”
—Candace Bushnell,
Sex and the City
One is not better than the other. It’s about where you are in your life and what’s best for you in the moment. If you think that a relationship is the key to your happiness you’re as delusional as Karen.
Who the Fuck Is Karen?
Karen is our extremely delusional friend. She doesn’t live in reality. She constantly thinks guys are into her who are clearly not. She’s terrible at reading signals, and her mom is the only person who believes that Karen has a boyfriend. Really, Karen’s “boyfriend” is the guy she fucked three times who finally asked for her number. Don’t be a Karen.
