I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (20 page)
Read I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that Online
Authors: The Betches
Simply put, the whole point of a relationship is that you trust and respect each other. If you don’t trust that he won’t laugh at your suggestions or you think he doesn’t respect you enough to listen to what you need, then you’re not in a healthy relationship. Dump him.
Boyfriends want sex. Good boyfriends want you to enjoy sex. Unless you’re like, trying to stick anal beads up his ass, which will probably be a comfort thing not a respect thing, he’s going to be okay with it. Then again, a lot of guys are up for whatever, so even if you’re like, into pegging, it probably won’t hurt to ask. But we imagine it won’t NOT hurt, either.
Let’s back it up a bit (pun always intended). What if he wants to do things with you that you’re not comfortable
doing? To be honest, you never know what you may be into, so you should probably try most things once. Like we said before, if there’s trust and respect, he won’t do anything that makes you truly upset or unsafe. Have a glass of wine and a safe word. Try something new, but keep in mind, there’s always a difference between a little dirty talk and him calling you a fucking slut. A lot of girls are into the former, some girls are into both, but few girls are into the latter. If your boyfriend happens to like something that crosses a line for you, speak the fuck up.
Sex should be enjoyable and—more important—mutual because do you know what another word for one-sided sex is called? It starts with an R and rhymes with crêpe.
So that we don’t end this section on sex on a weird assault-y note, let’s just say this: The more sex and better communication you have, the happier you will be. It also like, makes you emotionally closer to your boyfriend as well as relieves stress and releases endorphins. And endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands. They just don’t.
As we said before, you’re only kind of wasting your time if this guy isn’t treating you like a fucking queen (you remember, because you’re gaining self-knowledge, the only kind of knowledge that matters). But just in case you’re on the fence, here’s a guide to help you figure out if he’s one of the good ones.
Good | Questionable |
He calls you every day. | He texts you every other day. |
He introduces you as his girlfriend. | He doesn’t introduce you at all. |
He plans dates and dinners. | He invites you to pregames. |
He smokes weed sometimes and asks you to smoke with him. | He smokes before he brushes his teeth every morning. |
He wants you to meet his friends. | He drunk-calls you and says mean things when he’s out with his friends. |
He puts up a pic of you two on his Instagram. | He comments on Nicki Minaj’s Instagram, “dat ass doe.” |
He asks, “How was your day?” | He asks, “Can you get me some coke?” |
Don’t think that betches can’t be one of the bad ones, too. Just because you have a left-column guy doesn’t mean you have the right to be a right-column girl. While we are never too shy to admit we’re fucking amazing and any guy would be lucky to have us, we have to feel and act lucky to have them, too. If he treats you like Bey, you should treat him like Jay. Never take what you have for granted because it can disappear faster than you can take down a vodka soda. Once in a while you should plan a surprise date, insist on
paying for his entire dinner, give him a level-10 blow job. If your guy is capable of appreciation, he surely won’t ignore you trying. Once he sees your effort maybe he’ll go down on you more than usual, send you flowers randomly, or agree to watch
The Bachelor
with you. Swoon.
I Love You . . . I Think
After several months of dating this bro you start to get like, super-serious feelings for him. Like the kind that brainwash you into thinking it’s okay to go on a date with him tonight, even though this is the third
Real Housewives of New York City
episode you’ve missed this month. But with love, everyone is different. The only consistent rule is when to say it: Never before the guy does.
That may be antithetical to our advice to be confident in yourself, but whatever. If you’re 100 percent positive he loves you and you’ve convinced yourself that he’s just a little shy and that you should say it first, then go for it. But we’re writing this book for you, not him, so we have to inform you that your little confession of love turns the tables a bit favoring his side. Because if he doesn’t say it back, your entire world will indubitably fucking collapse. You’ll hate yourself for putting your emotions out there for him to destroy with his dick and his silence, and it will haunt you for the rest of your life, as in you will never tell anyone how you feel about them again. No big deal, right? But, if you’re the confident betch you claim to be, then just do your best to be extremely certain that you will not be upset if the conversation doesn’t go your way. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it.
Think of it this way: Even if he does say it back, you’ll always wonder in the back of your mind if he meant it and if you made it too easy for him. So it’s sort of a lose-lose. We suggest waiting it out, and it will happen when you’re both ready.
But what, you ask, if he says it when he’s drunk? Haha that sucks. This definitely does not count. Think of the last person to whose face you said “I love you.” (Family doesn’t count.) Did you mean it? Prob not. Were you drunk, in a bathroom, bonding with girls whom you just met and made plans to go on Spring Break with? Definitely yes. Need we say more? If he gets wasted and is like “OMGGGG I just fucking love you,” assume he was blackout and pretend it never happened. Don’t bring it up. If he remembers, let him feel stupid and watch him awkwardly squirm.
Saying “I love you” is not about
when,
because it could happen in one month or six. It’s about
why.
If you feel like you have all this love in your heart (barf) that you can’t contain (double barf) and just want to tell this guy how you feel, then that’s when you should say it. But, friendly reminder, it will fucking suck if you pour your heart out and all you get is an
awww thanks I love having sex with you!
in return. If you wait for him to do it, think of saying it back as a romantic gesture. Like, wow you’re such a great girlfriend that you waited until you were really sure to tell him how you felt instead of jumping the gun. And for the record, “really sure” generally means when he has the balls to say it first.
What Would Karen Do?
Our darling delusional Karen would most definitely say it first and way too soon with like, emojis or written on a cake or something horrendous.
The time has come for you to burst your relationship bubble. Now it’s not just about the two of you anymore, but also about the other people in his life besides you. Ew.
For betches, meeting people is no big deal. We do it all the time. You know you’re extremely charismatic, can put yourself together, and have a really attractive smile and nod. But that’s not to say we like doing it. Being forced to meet people you don’t know is like having to go work out super early in the morning; it’s a fucking drag and you’d rather be sleeping, but there are benefits, such as not having to wait for an elliptical.
The most ideal way this can go down is at a pregame. When it’s not too loud, there’s enough alcohol flowing that you’ll look interested in topics you hate but not enough to get blackout and say something stupid as fuck. Also, there are enough people there that you won’t have to linger too long during one conversation. (Getting out of a too-long conversation is about as comfortable as that quick postmanicure massage, you know, the one where they like, beat the shit out of you with their fists?
“Okay we done!”
But we digress.)
Laugh at the friends’ jokes, playfully make fun of your boyfriend (in front of his face, of course) so that they see you’re “a cool girl” and then maybe suggest a shot of Fireball or, ugh, whiskey. This is the only way to your guy’s friends’
livers
hearts.
There’s only one simple trick to your boyfriend making a success of meeting your friends: Have him buy them lots of drinks. They’ll think he’s sooooo dreamy.
The Parents
Meeting a boyfriend’s parents is one of the more unnatural yet eventually necessary things a betch will ever go through. Obviously, the biggest annoyance is that you actually want these people to like you, which also requires pretending to give a fuck about things like making your summer productive
or where your college major is taking you. Just pretend to eat whatever disgusting food they serve you, and seem reasonably down to earth and nice by answering all of their questions without saying “fuck” or letting on how long you’ve been having sex with their son.
“So how do you know our Steven?” . . . “He ignored me when we first met.”
Your boyfriend’s brothers are like, whatever, it’s almost the same as meeting his friends, but sisters are an inconvenient truth. A bro’s sister is the only idea he has of what living with a girl would be like. If she sucks, position that shade so the lighting makes you look even better. If she’s awesome and you’re besties, congrats, you’re in the real 1 percent.
Ultimately making a good impression is vital, because a bro’s family members are just about the only people a betch can’t tell him to get rid of. More important, though, every betch meeting a bro’s parents should be constantly contemplating the big questions:
Are these people going to ruin every holiday for the rest of my life? What kind of family vacations in New Jersey!?
So yeah totally, we want to put our best foot forward. But it’s normal for meeting a bro’s fam to feel like relationship judgment day, because you’re getting a glimpse of your potential future. Is his dad hot? Is he like, kind of fat? Is the stepdad clearly a shady-asshole bro who flirts with the waitress?
Is this bro rude to his family? Is he a flaccid mama’s boy? Does he expect her to do everything for him? These are important questions. Nothing is worse than a dickhead who can’t treat his family with respect. Dads of bros are a huge indicator of what you’d wake up to in approximately twenty years. And no betch wants to be second in command to her guy’s mom, nor does she want to become her. Plus, if he’s still got her packing him Snack Packs, he’s probably lame in the sack, and you can’t say we didn’t warn you.
They say a good man is hard to find. Harder still is a good man with a cool mom. Mothers who believe that no one is good enough for their son are the Delusional Daters of parenting and will be a total drag. Betches are looking for a mom they can at least see eye to eye with, and ideally, a down middle-aged betch who turns water into wine-nights. Bonus points if you like his mom more than you actually like him. Hey, it’ll happen to our future sons.
Remember that meeting your boyfriend’s parents is basically a formality interview. Betches already have the job if they want it, but we look one hundred times better and make our lives ten thousand times easier by putting forth a little effort and going through with the interview anyway. And if it doesn’t work out? Then, well, being the girl his family asks about forever is a hard job, but somebody has to do it.
This all depends on what kind of family you have. If your parents are completely insane, like either still stuck in another century or mentally unstable, then you should wait until you have solidified your relationship to introduce him. You want to make sure that your mom saying “You remind me of a guy I dated in college” then winking does not cause him to break up with you. You want his reaction to be like, well that was fucking weird, but then laugh about it with you.
But if you have a somewhat normal family (no one’s family is actually that normal, but, you know, comparatively) then invite everyone to a dinner to meet and go from there. Explain (calmly) to your mom that if she tells one embarrassing story about you she has no say in her grandchildren’s naming, and if that doesn’t work, tell her you’re going to unfriend her on Facebook. It should do the trick.
It’s up to you how much you want to help the boyfriend out. You can either give your guy some hints beforehand, like “My dad loves to talk about tennis” or “My mom will judge you if you don’t order a second drink,” or you can just push him off the metaphorical diving board and see what happens. On second thought, the latter sounds like so much more fun.
The best way to keep a man interested is to have your own fucking life. Nothing kills a relationship buzz more than
you two constantly in each other’s faces, with you wearing two-day-old unwashed pajamas and your hair in a bun. You need to keep an air of mystery about what you’re doing all day and who you’re with. The betchiest way to act is to simply display that you’re the shit and that even though you now have a boyfriend that’s not a reason to abandon all the other amazing stuff going on in your life. Maintain your friendships, spend time with your family, don’t give up hobbies you’ve spent years cultivating (a.k.a. spin class and binge-drinking).
But what happens if you’re feeling your guy pull away? Does he not have the same urge to see you that he had when you first started dating? Is he overlooking important relationship conduct like texting when he gets home at the end of the night and paying for literally everything? How do you remind this guy that you are extremely valuable and that he could lose you at any time?
Your boyfriend needs to realize that if he doesn’t constantly prove himself, there are dozens of guys on the back burner itching to take his place. And you are going to gently push that realization toward him. It’s one of the most important tricks to master in a relationship. He should never think you are in the bag, in fact the opposite is preferable. He should have a fear of losing you to a worthy adversary at any moment. What’s the best way to remind your guy that he’s insanely lucky to have you and reel him in once he starts to get lazy? The following tried-and-true tactics toe the very fine line between subtle betchy manipulation and being a cruel bitch. It’s an art, deal with it.
