I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (19 page)

How it ends:
Considering most dudes don’t realize when they’re your FNF, there’s a high chance he’ll try to actually hook up/define your relationship eventually. This will be sad and awkward for both of you. You’ll never speak again.

This is the most common relationship in a betch’s life. This is the bro who without fail will find his way into your bed and vag at some point between Friday and Sunday (maybe Monday, if it’s like, a long weekend). You don’t think about him too much, and you’re pretty sure you like him but then one day your friend will ask you where he went to school and you’ll realize you don’t even know if he went to school, or where he’s from, or if he has a family or a dog or a house or anything apart from a functional dick and a job that leaves him free on the weekends. A.K.A.: The Fuck Buddy.

How it ends:
It never ends.

All it takes is one decent dick with a bank account to turn a formerly bad betch into a psycho. One minute you’re living the life, ignoring texts on the reg, and generally winning and the next you’re making a bonfire out of some bro’s undershirts and sending him late-night Snaps of you crying. You’re updating your status with song lyrics and hanging around the shitty bars he frequents just so he can see you “being chill.” The two of you fuck occasionally, and it’s always really intense and then he leaves early in the morning (but you meet up at CVS a day later to go halfsies on the morning-after pill). Every betch has her very own MYP to make her feel so shitty that she has to start a cleanse just to get back to normal. It’s
like how there’s evil in the world so that humans can know goodness. It just has to be so. You commonly identify him as an Almost Boyfriend, while to him you are “that girl who’s good in bed but kind of psycho.”

How it ends:
You spend a month listening to like, a lot of Adele, get your shit together, and get over it. What doesn’t kill you makes you betchier.

This a bro whom you somehow agreed to date exclusively and then almost immediately realized that exclusivity was a terrible idea for both of you. He’s distant and busy and you DGAF and are still actively texting your back-burner bro. You always end up at the same place, but aside from these semiregular sleepovers you’re basically just hooking up but with the benefit of being able to tell your grandma you have a boyfriend.

How it ends:
One of you dumps the other, neither gives a shit.

Trusting someone is hard enough as it is. It’s like you’re just expected to believe someone is good and not a shady piece of shit, even though you barely know them and most humans are at least partially shady. Fine, we’ll go along with it; innocent until proven guilty. But proving someone guilty is a lot easier to do now that his trail of indecent behavior is available for your casual viewing pleasure.

Gone are the days when the only way you could catch your boyfriend cheating was physically walking in on them. Now we have to deal with new Facebook friends, friends of his posting pictures from “innocent” weekends in Nantucket, personal Snapchats, direct messages, the list goes on. And we’re supposed to just ignore them? Fuck waterboarding, if you really wanted to torture a terrorist you should dangle his wife’s sent and received Snapchat lists in front of his face and watch him confess in thirty seconds.

Like, one day you are happily single and love to go out. And the next you’re happily in a relationship and love to refresh your boyfriend’s Instagram following list. Could life be more unfair? Trusting him would come so much easier if his every move weren’t available with just a click.

You might be asking, “How can you say you’re happy if you’re constantly looking for a reason to break up?” That’s a really good point, bitch. But we have a better point. If you’re not an actual psycho jealous girlfriend and just simply a curious one, it’s natural to wonder what your boyfriend is up to.
You’re not looking for a reason to break up, you’re just giving into your urges to stalk your new best friend, the one whom you have sex with and who buys you dinner. The fact that social media is so huge just proves that people love to know what other people are doing, so wouldn’t you want to know what the person whom you spend the most time with is doing when you’re not around? Fucking duh.

On the other hand, there is a line between stalking and snooping and that line is called “his cellphone.” Once you find yourself glancing at his texts, catching a Snapchat or two, or clicking the home button fake-thinking it’s yours, you have crossed the line. And once you’ve crossed the line it only gets worse. Read: Actually going through his phone, signing on to his Facebook account, friending his exes, etc. These are all really bad relationship behaviors, and all are signs that you are the psycho jealous girlfriend who probably has serious insecurity issues and you must be stopped immediately.

In reality, snooping gets you nowhere. Unless you have reasonable evidence, as in you seriously suspect something shady is up based on something you saw (not based on previous ill-advised snooping), when it’s almost sort of okay . . . but still definitely not. Most of the time you’ll either find nothing or find something that may seem suspicious and will drive you off the deep end when really it was also just nothing.

We understand where you’re coming from. You just want to make sure that your boyfriend, the person who is supposed to respect you the most, isn’t making a fool of you. But
unfortunately, you can’t without disrespecting his trust. It’s fucking annoying but true.

You’re going to have to talk to him and be honest about how his behavior on social media makes you feel. When we say “talk” we don’t mean accuse or verbally beat the shit out of him. We mean saying something like “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page in terms of trust and where we are in the relationship. Like, would it make you happy if I took borderline inappropriate pics on Facebook with random guys? I bet not. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.”

Just remember, he had a life before you, he had female Snapchat friends before you, and those female Snapchat friends will continue to send him Snaps. Until those Snaps are of her tits, you shouldn’t pay them any attention. Instead, focus on more important things like sending him sexually suggestive selfies of yourself. (Calm down, we don’t mean actual sexts. Just show a little cleave here and there. A kissy face can work if you don’t look like a full-on platypus.) Keeping your sense of perspective will go a much longer way than accusing him of fucking all of his coworkers.

Instagram official is the new Facebook official. It’s weird how society changes so quickly, we know. As a betch, it’s important to stay ahead of the social media game, because if you don’t you’re just going to be that super-weird girl in your bestie group circle who is like “what’s Periscope?” and “wait,
I can make myself look skinnier through an app!?” Eyes will roll harder than a nicegirl on molly.

Why is Instagram official the new Facebook official? Because Facebook is passé. People care more about what you post on Instagram because each time you post you are saying something about yourself. On Facebook, people absentmindedly upload albums of super-boring pics that all look the same, whereas on Insta, everyone knows you chose that picture because you think you look good, meticulously crafted that punny caption, and artistically filtered the shit out of it. #imsoclever.

So, posting a couples pic means just that, you’re a couple. Unless everyone knows that you two are just friends then maybe they won’t judge. But even so, you can’t trust your followers to think sanely. Even with a pic of your guy friend Greg, friends and followers will be suspicious of a secret hookup or even worse, a secret but desperate crush in the air.

Don’t worry, you’ll know when someone is in a relationship on Instagram, even if the picture is seemingly innocent, because a betch’s friends will be so excited at the first couples pic that you can bet on them commenting with no less than three heart emojis (or saying shit like “OMG love this couple” if they’re a particularly annoying type of human). Either way, you won’t miss it.

Yay, you have a boyfriend. For the girls who are always fantasizing of that amazing moment when a bro becomes your boyfriend, sorry but it’s rarely that exciting. When it’s meant to be (not in the lame sense like destiny or anything, but meaning it just played out without any drama), there’s not
going to be some grand gesture or like, something out of a Katherine Heigl movie. The way it works is that you two continue going on dates, he does really nice things for you that show you he’s really into you, and then it just keeps going like that. He’s not going to show up to your apartment window in a trench coat playing Beyoncé on an old radio above his head. A) Where do you even get a fucking radio? B) You wouldn’t even hear him; you live in a high-rise. C) He’d probably get arrested before you even noticed.

The point is that when it’s right, it’s easy. Of course there will be some bumps to get over and kinks to straighten out, after all, you two are just getting to know each other while you’re having sex. There are bound to be some minor fights that stem from letting your guard down, opening up, learning to trust, and other bullshit like that. However, if it’s hard at first—you can’t seem to trust him or he can’t trust you, he won’t make any effort planning dates, or you don’t want to meet his friends—these are all signals that you two should either talk about and resolve it or end the relationship before you get in too deep.

The more time you devote to thinking about him, speaking to him, seeing him, sending him the perfect selfies, etc., the deeper and deeper you get. This is a fact that freaks a lot of people out.
How do I know if he’s right for me? What if he’s not the guy I’m going to marry and I’ve wasted all this time in a relationship with him and I’ll blink and be thirty years old, sad and single.
Shit, typing that even stressed us out. To answer these questions, here’s what you do: Shut the fuck up.

Unless your boyfriend is literally the worst, as in treating you like shit and making you feel bad about yourself, then you are not wasting your time. Actually not even. As long as you realize he sucks very quickly and dump him even faster, then you didn’t waste anything. Instead you learned that you need to be more wary of the guys you decide to take on the role of
your BF and not just let any douchebag bro in your heart and your La Perla thong.

You learn something about yourself with every relationship. So really, it’s sort of like, a narcissistic thing, so we can definitely get on board. Like, every boyfriend is just making you a betchier you. For example, your first boyfriend didn’t like to drink and was too shy. So you learned that those things didn’t cut it for you, and picked someone for your next boyfriend who was a little more outgoing and liked to get blackout once in a while. Yay, more fun for you. Boyfriend #2 was great until you came to realize he really hated his mom (like, weird hated) so you moved on, realizing that you want someone more family oriented. Yay, you avoided a potential lifetime of fighting over how to raise your kids, but boo, no more talking shit about Susan. So for Boyfriend #3, you find a guy who is a genuinely good person and also likes to go out and is close with his family. You have yourself a keeper, but without those previous relationships, you may have never appreciated how lucky you got with the third.

But who knows, maybe you marry this guy and he starts gambling like, everything you own and runs over your dog or something. Shit generally goes down the drain. Sorry religious people, but divorce is no big deal. Being on your own should never be something you fear so your perspective during your relationship should ALWAYS be
Whatevs, what will be will be, and if it doesn’t work out I’ll be totes fine. But for now I’m having the time of my life so I won’t waste one more minute worrying that he’s not The (nonexistent) One.

There’s a reason why every Real Housewife of Wherever the Fuck will say the key to any marriage is sex and also blow jobs: It’s true. At the start of a relationship, you may not be comfortable enough to suggest things you want or the way you want them. That’s natural. However, the more you get to know and love each other, that wall should crumble and you should feel more free to say whatever you like without the fear of him judging you. If he’s your boyfriend, he thinks you’re hot and he wants you to be happy, so he’ll probably want to do what gets you off. If you still feel uncomfortable bringing something up after several months of a relationship, you should probably talk about it with a professional because, bitch, you have a problem.