I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (21 page)

So the key here is to remain loyal and upbeat to your boyfriend while constantly reminding him that you have a very active life and he is lucky to be a part of it. There is no greater relationship killer than you focusing all your energy on someone and losing your independent side. I mean, if we wanted to date someone who was awesome, constantly around, and did whatever the fuck we said, wouldn’t we all just be content with a dog and a fuck buddy?

Of course the opportunity to actually date a betch is a blessing for any bro who is worthy enough (read: hot enough) to actually earn it. Betches are generally great girlfriends because they’re not needy and they’re not going to let themselves get fat just because they’re not single anymore. That said, you know if you’re making his life difficult. Here are the most common shitty things we tend to do in relationships that you should avoid. Or not. Up to you.

Betches don’t cheat. Cheating is not betchy. We do, however, let sad lonely dudes who clearly have crushes on us text us every day and make flirty little comments and make them live in the perpetual gray area of the not-really-friend zone.
The not-really-friend zone is for the guy whom you like to keep around to threaten and generally piss off your current boyfriend, while making sure that you have the added security of a dude who will comfort (read: fuck) you if things go sour with your current guy. You tell your boyfriend and all of your friends that he’s “like a brother” to you and that you guys would “never” hook up, but everybody knows that is a lie because: A) guy friends don’t exist and B) you are so fucking obvious.

When It’s Okay:
It’s fine to have guy friends as long as you maintain certain rules, like not telling them intimate things about your boyfriend or letting them text you at inappropriate times (after ten p.m.) or things that are in any way romantic or sexual.

Setting a trap is a common way for a betch to blow off a little steam by getting in a quick midday fight with her boyfriend. They usually begin with a text about something random like,
Do you think I drink too much wine?
The key here isn’t really the question, it’s the fact that no matter what he answers she is going to be pissed, and she knew that when she sent the text in the first place. So if he says
nah u good
she’s going to say
uh okay well actually alcoholism runs in my family. I know I’ve told you that. I guess that’s how much you care.
But if he says
yah maybe slow down a little?
She’s going to say,
oh okay but you and your dumbass friends can drink as much Jäger as
you want and I’m not supposed to judge you? Have fun getting fat, you fucks.

And voilà, now you and your boyfriend are in a fight and you can force him to come over to “talk” until you both get exhausted and have sex and fall asleep. This is known in the betch world as, “A Typical Tuesday Night.” Whether for amusement or just to assert your female power, it’s not actually a great idea.

Why it sucks:
Because setting traps is for when you’re trying to catch and kill something, not for your poor, dumb boyfriend. What else do people catch in traps? Mice. And what do we know about mice? They’re disgusting and too fucking stupid to recognize a trap when they see one. They’re going to fall into it every time and then you have to call some dude from your building to come over and smash it with his shoe and then throw its body away. It’s disgusting. Do you really want to have to smash your boyfriend with a shoe and throw his body away? If that’s what you’re into, there’s a really great way to smash the bodies of as many bros as you want and then throw them away without even having to initiate a text fight or anything. It’s called being single. You should try it.

Everybody has had at least one bestie who is in a long-term relationship yet has literally never once said something positive about her boyfriend. Any time you meet up with her
she’s always talking about how annoying his friends are, or how stupid he is, or how small his dick is, yet when you see them together they are happy and, based on the frequency with which you accompany her to Planned Parenthood, the sex is fine. As far as you can tell, there would be legitimately no difference between how this girl talks about her boyfriend now, when they’re together, and how she’d talk about him when they’re broken up. This behavior is extra annoying, considering that there is probably a girl out there who would date him and like, actually like it.

Why it’s shitty:
It is your God-given right to talk shit about your boyfriend to your besties. Women have been doing this for centuries, or else we would have all gone insane before Jesus even got here. However, it only annoys the shit out of everyone to hear a girl constantly complain about a guy with whom she clearly has a fine relationship. And yes, there’s a difference between asking your friend’s advice and being an asshole. There is more important shit going on in this world for betches to talk about—like summer plans and abandoned acting careers—than bad-mouthing their boyfriends. Once again, if you want to fuck bros and then talk shit about them, there is an easy way to do that, and it is also called being single.

Fighting with a guy is a staple of any relationship, especially a betchy one. This is where communication is most important and, if you consistently do it wrong, you will definitely fuck up your relationship and all you’ll have to show for your trouble is a string of screenshots of his texts that you’ve sent to your friends in a blind rage as you get them all to communally affirm that he is, in fact, being an asshole.

Inevitably your guy will do things that annoy you. If he doesn’t, you’re either a doormat or you need to raise your standards. Guys do stupid shit all the time, it’s their nature. Eventually you’re bound to disagree over just how obnoxious that comment he made to your friend about her being “kind of slutty” was. Likewise, his irritation that you won’t pay for a maid but will drop $700 on a pair of shoes is bound to bring up at least one mildly irritating conversation about your spending habits. Fights happen and inevitably lead to extraordinary make-up sex if handled correctly. Here’s how to fight like a champion and come out winning
without
making your boyfriend cry under the covers.

Telling your guy he’s a fucking asshole every day is not really going to make him want to stop being an asshole. In fact, it might make him prove you right by acting like more of an asshole since you’ve already stated this as his major personality trait. Just like in that fight you had that lasted for four hours of texting about when he insisted he just said you were “
acting like
a bitch” not that you “
are
a bitch,” you similarly want to steer clear of name-calling as it doesn’t help anything. Never call your boyfriend a loser or assign unflattering signifiers on him. It’s aggressive and, honestly, kind of too mean. The key is to make him
feel
like an asshole without actually assigning him that label. Which leads us to . . .

Not to sound like fucking Dr. Phil, but telling a guy that when he doesn’t answer your texts for four hours “makes you feel upset” as opposed to “is fucking rude” will make him a lot more sympathetic to your cause (even though it is really fucking rude). By saying how something makes you feel, it shows that you’re not blaming him, reminds him that despite appearances you are in fact human, and teaches him the consequences of his actions. He can’t argue with your feelings because they’re your feelings (ew) and therefore not debatable. This makes the whole cause and effect thing easier to deal with, and is much more likely to make him feel like an insensitive prick—and therefore alter his rude
behavior—without you actually having to come right out and say it.

Don’t bring up shit that has nothing to do with the fight. There’s nothing guys find more irritating than when you won’t let something go. Two years ago he forgot your anniversary? Dick move, but that’s no reason to bring it up when your current fight is about him getting a speeding ticket while driving your car. No one likes to rehash old mistakes they’ve made, and bringing them up will only make you seem petty, bitter, and unable to let go. Again, don’t turn an argument about fidelity into an accusation about him being lazy or a chance to vent about how fucking annoying his friends are. Stick to the argument at hand, there’s plenty of time to hash that other shit out in couple’s therapy.

He insists on ordering in Italian food despite the fact that you told him fifteen times you’re not eating carbs this week, goddamn it. Sure, it’s easy to get irritable with the ones we love, but no one wants to be with a naggy bitch who turns everything into a fight. You have to learn how to chill out about some things because no sane man is willing to walk around on eggshells for their entire life waiting for you to explode. Save your meltdowns for important shit, like when your engagement ring is too small.

No. Matter. What. Never hit a guy. Your boyfriend would literally be dead if he ever laid a hand on you, and the same respect should go to him. Most girls have had those drunken moments when her boyfriend is being such a stupid fucking idiot that you’re convinced he needs to be betch slapped, but even drunk, it’s never okay. What are you, a Real Housewife of New Jersey? Have some class. Control yourself and never let yourself get to the point where you’re manhandling him anywhere other than in bed. Worst case scenario: Pull an Elin Nordegren and just beat the crap out of his car.

Gaslighting is a term that comes from some old-ass movie that means when a bro (or anyone, really—betches can gaslight other betches) tries to deflect his or her own shittiness by making you feel insecure and stupid, usually by telling everyone you’re crazy. A bro might do this when you’ve straight-up caught him texting another girl and he calls you “insane” because he thinks that will divert the attention away from him being a huge piece of shit. This is the ultimate shady-bro behavior, but unlike other shady things bros do, it’s not attractive. Don’t be fooled. Gaslighting is bullshit and is used by people who want to take away your self-worth to make you feel small, so next time somebody tries it, tell them to fuck off. If a bro tries this tactic, he doesn’t respect you or any other women and you should seriously
reconsider your relationship with him. Speaking of which . . .

There are certain fights that are just too big to get over, and while it’s entirely subjective, there are certain issues that should never be tolerated. This should go without saying, but if a guy consistently interacts with you in a way that’s physically or verbally abusive you need to cut that shit out ASAP because, as we all know, not being in a relationship is better than being in a shitty one. Outside of abuse, though, there are a lot smaller dealbreakers that may seem like blips on the radar at the time, but are actually a really big deal. Here are some of them.

Red Flags vs. Dealbreakers in Early Relationship Stages

So the honeymoon stage is over; it happens to all relationships eventually. Your guy’s “chill” habit of leaving his shit all over your apartment floor becomes irritating as soon as you realize you might have to clean up after him for the rest of your life. His garage band, which once seemed like an artistic fun hobby, transforms into the big symbol of his lack of ambition to become the successful entrepreneur you always dreamed of marrying. The honeymoon is officially over, and you now can see what you’ve really purchased instead of what looked shiny and fancy in the store window, otherwise known as lust.

It’s at this point in the Game that things get comfortable and, for many, with comfort comes boredom. The thrill of the chase is over, and what you’re left with is the person you chose—flabby ass, hovering mother, and all. For some couples this stage comes later than others, but this is the point where you really have to ask yourself, is this a person I can see myself with for the next few years or—even more terrifying—for the rest of my life? Will this guy make a good husband, father, partner? Does he even know what a Naruto Roll is!?