Holding On (31 page)

“
Mace, it took everything
I had Not. To. Kill. Gunner.  So yes, I aimed to hurt you, I
can’t take that back.  I told both those fucking bitches to
get gone and don’t come back to the Club that night the moment we
walked out the door.  I didn’t even take them anywhere, they
did not set foot anywhere near my ride. I fucked up, baby.
 God, you’re the one person I know who is all good and pure
and I turned on you.  Telling you I’m sorry is meaningless, it
is pathetic to even say.  I am sorry though. My heart hurts
aches for you and I can’t get it to stop.  Jesus, but you
didn’t love me enough either, Mace.  I saw your eyes when you
were there you the next day and they were empty of me, you had
already moved on. The very next day you had already left me.
 It wouldn’t have mattered what I said.”

I take my first look at
him since words were said.  God he looks as broken as I feel.
 I hate that we are ending like this, I know I said I
regretted what we had but I don’t.  I had pure happiness with
him, right up until I didn’t have it anymore.

“
I love you Shame, I will
always love you.  I should thank you and it I know this sounds
ridiculous.  While we were together, you showed me what I
want in my life.  I want someone who loves me with passion,
who touches me and then watches me ignite. A person that I feel
safe with.  I got all that with you, thank you for showing me
what I was always missing.”  

I turn to open the car door and I hear
him sob, and fuck I thought I couldn’t hurt more.  When I look
back at him, he is on his knees looking up at the dark sky.
 If I ever believed that he and I weren’t meant to be
together, it is in this moment.  

“
Look what we do to each
other, Shame.  God, this hurts and I just don’t want to hurt
anymore.  We are tearing each other apart piece by piece. I
love you so much, too much.”  With that I get in the car but
not before hearing his voice again, sounding shattered, broken, and
lost.

“
Please Mace, don’t leave
me alone.”

Chapter
Fourteen
:

“
My life used to be full of everything. Now if
you aren't with me I haven't a thing in the world.”
  

--Ernest Hemingway

I’m thankful for today
being the start of my workweek.  Finally it is Monday, and
after everything that happened this weekend I need a distraction
from this aching pain in my chest.  

After leaving Shame on his
knees outside of the club I went home and straight to my room in
attempt to expel the tears and pain that were drowning me from the
inside out.  I kept thinking about what Shame had said that
night.  He told me he did not sleep with those sluts after he
walked out of the Club with them on his arms.  I know I should
question the validity of this, but I also know Shame and he doesn’t
lie to me.  His childhood was built on lies.  Shame has
lived his life trying to be everything his father wasn’t.  He
meant to hurt me and it was intentional, yes.  Although that
is certainly not cheating on me, I’m uncertain if the pain is
unlike it, in some ways I know it is but when you love someone you
want to keep them from any type of heartbreak, not be the cause it.
 Sure, having him sleeping with someone should be the ultimate
cause of pain, but thinking about this as much as I have I still
don’t know how to forgive intentional hurt.

I’m sitting at my desk at
the library lost in thought when Peyton finishes talking to the
detective who was waiting for us when we got here this morning. She
has a huge stack of files in her arms that look like they belong to
a cold case unit, there is so much dust and tearing on
them.

She’s smiling big as she
walks to me and throws them on my desk with her usual dramatics.
“Hey Mace, we have our work cut out for us today so I hope you are
ready!”

“
As I will ever be.”
 I mean that because right now, this really is as ready as I
will ever be. Peyton hasn’t questioned my continued solemn attitude
yet. I only gave her a brief overview to get her to leave me alone
until I adjusted to the workday. I know she doesn’t miss a beat and
she’s just waiting to make her move.

“
Okay, so do you want to
look up information on past child abuse cases or would you prefer
to work something on drug related cases?”

“
Give me the drugs, I
can’t handle children suffering. I’m already a walking broken
heart, add children suffering and you will need life paddles to
bring me back.”

“
Little overdramatic for a
Monday morning, but I get you. I think ‘broken heart’ resulting in
sudden death is a bit of a stretch Mace, you will see him later,
gees. Anyway, here you go.  You just need to go through and
search our records in the system, the internet, and any other
archives we have.  These here will probably just take you
today, then you can help me when you’re done. I will warn ya
though, don’t get too caught up in the information you get because
you will have nightmares. Search, find, print… that’s all,
okay?”

“
Yes my dear, I’m on it.
Search, find, print… that’s all. I’m just glad to have these, I
need something to focus on.”  I’m feeling sorry for myself out
loud now.  Great.

“
Hey, what’s really wrong
there Mace?  You doing alright? You look a little
absent.”

“
I am, just a lot on my
mind is all.”

She shifts a chair in
front of my desk and sits down, using her hands to hold up her chin
as she leans on my desk and she smiles, just like Peyton to look so
cute in doing so during my pity party.  “Tell me what’s
shaking or I’m going to start spelling words before you’ve had your
second cup of Joe.”

“
Don’t
you even try it.  It’s nothing really.  As I said
already, Shame and I are over and I can’t talk about it right now,
please understand.  I just want to work on these files and
concentrate on something other than my heart breaking in my chest.
 I’m sorry, I don’t want to be a downer so just ignore me.”
I’m starting to hear
myself
talk now and I think I’m getting more
depressed!

“
What?
 You guys looked so… I don’t know…
involved
the other night when I saw
you.  You were definitely out of your normal guarded shell on
the dance floor once he showed up.  I know you may not want to
talk to me about what happened, maybe you think I’m too young and
can’t help you give you good advice but I can listen if you want me
to.  So as long as you know I’m here when you want me, that’s
what I can do. I’m shocked is all. People around here, well not to
upset you more but you know they think of you and Shame as like
some celebrity couple. Sounds ridiculous and it doesn’t help your
situation. Never mind, I shouldn’t say that. I really don’t like
you upset is all.”

“
Honey, I know.
 Thank you for trying to help.  I will tell you
everything in time, when I can.  Right now though I just need
to delve into something that has nothing to do with Shame and I.
 I want to take my mind off my miserable life and look into
someone else’s.”  I give her half smile while looking at the
files she put on my desk for review.

“
Alright, well I feel kind
of bad even bringing this up but I waited all weekend to tell you
because I didn’t want to disturb what I thought was a great hot and
sexy weekend you were having with that delicious man of yours but I
can’t keep it in any longer.”  She’s blushing.

“
Look at you, all
embarrassed.  Someone has something to tell me.  Spill
the sap!”  I’m excited for her and the only thing that makes a
girl look like that is the swoon effect from a man, a hot cowboy of
a man I hope.

“
Okay, so!  Derek.
 After you left, he and I talked and danced and got to know
each other a little bit.  Sadey introduced me officially to
Hem and do you know how hard it was to sit around a table with Hem
and Derek at the same time and try to stay focused on a
conversation?  Damn Mace, the men in your life, seriously
H-O-T.”

I eye roll because she
giggles knowing what she is doing before my second cup of coffee.
She’s bouncing her foot on the ground as she continues, “Well,
turns out that Derek and Hem actually know a lot of the same people
and Derek is the son of one of Hem’s friends. They talked a lot
like a lot and about things that made zero sense to Sadey and me.
We had a few drinks together then afterwards Derek asked if he
could take me home.  Bad enough I’m underage and shouldn’t be
drinking so I don’t drink and drive, ever.  I told him yes, I
felt safe enough being alone with him since Hem and Sadey got to
know him and Sadey definitely approved cause she told me this in
front of him, Mace.  How embarrassed was I? That girl has no
coothe. M-O-R-T-I-F-I-E-D me, Mace. She talked to him like I wasn’t
even at the club, let alone the table! Telling him how beautiful I
am, how I need a good man to keep me in line, how I am so
young
. Then outta
nowhere, bam! Hem steps in and tells my cowboy if he hurts me, even
my feelings that he would answer to Peril. Damn! I wasn’t ready for
him to straight out threaten someone I just met and
liked.”

I giggle a bit.  “Oh yes, meant
to tell you.  Nothing safe in front of Sadey and Hem.
 They will put it out there good or bad, you will get used to
it.  So, then what?”

“
He took me home and he
was such a gentleman.  He opened my truck door for me, helped
me inside it too.  That truck is huge!  He made sure I
was comfortable with the temperature in truck, the route we were
going to take to my house, I mean everything! I was sort of scared
he was being like this because of Hem threatening him. I just met
him so I took Hem’s warnings as serious as Derek probably
did.”

“
I’m jealous.  That’s
quite the gentleman you have there and that man was into you all
night, so stop with the worries. I told you missy, you’re a catch.
Any man would be happy to court you.” I wink at my old fashion word
for dating. She just smiles and keeps on talking.

“
Oh yes,
but so I’m not done.  When we got to my house Gramma was home
waiting up for me of course.  All lights inside and outside
were on.  I told him he didn’t have to walk me to the door
but
he insisted
.  Once he got me out of the truck he led me to my front
door then he asked me if he could kiss me goodnight.  Mace, no
one asks that any more do they?  I mean, most guys I know just
assume it goes without question and go for it, right? Not him
though, he just got real close and leaned his head into me. Since
Gramma had all the lights turned on I felt a little embarrassed
because he had to have known I lived with someone of her
age.”

“
Friend, are you stalling
on me on purpose?  Keep talking!  What happened?
 What did you say?”

“
Well duh, what do you
think?  What do you say when a tall sexy delicious cowboy asks
you to put his tongue in your mouth after he’s spent his whole
evening getting to know you and then also getting to know your
friends so that they feel safe letting him take you home?
 Duh, I said what any lady would say! I told him before he
kissed me I needed to see a copy of his credit report.”  She
breaks out into giggles so I toss my box of staples at
her.

“
Oh my god, shut up
woman!”

“
I’m kidding.  I’m
kidding! Of course I told him yes.  I had already kissed him
all the way home in my mind because I was so afraid he wouldn’t do
it once we got to my house. I sat in the passenger seat trying to
look at him in profile without him catching me. Something sexy
about a cowboy in a big truck. Anyway, he kissed me and it was the
best kiss I have ever had!  He is one of those slow starters
then when you think you are safe with the tempo he just throws down
and the gentlemen goes out the window.  It was a devouring,
give me goose bumps, and don’t ever stop kind of kiss.”

She is seriously swaying
back and forth in front of me.  I am so jealous of her
butterflies right now.  “I’m so happy for you honey. That
sounds so exciting. That feeling of wonder and disbelief is… gah!”
We both giggle as I struggle for words.

“
He asked me out for this
weekend too.  He works at the lumber yard in town during the
week and gets home late during the week but he asked if he could
take me to dinner this Saturday night.”

“
How old is he?”  I
remember now she’s only 19 and I’m guessing he’s older than me so
if there is a Mama Bear talk to be had with the man I need to know
now so I can include this in my week, will giving me something to
do in between the obsession over losing Shame.  

“
He’s 24
and I can see your mind working overtime already, Mace Cash.
 Don’t you dare scare him away from me, Hem already about did.
Please don’t.  He asked how old I was and when I told him I
was only 19 it took me and Sadey a while to wipe that look of
concern from his face. Hem didn’t even care that he was nervous
about it, he just kept
staring
at him in
warning.  After watching Hem go into his alpha protective
mode now I know exactly why you will end up with Shame.  I
don’t think there is a man available to you out there that wouldn’t
live his life with you in fear of Hem.  One. Scary. Biker.
Dude. Mace. Hot though, sorry I know he’s your brother, but
whew.  Yummmmy! Still gotta say that Sadey is one lucky
biatch. Every time he smacked her ass I’m pretty sure I even felt
it.”