Holding On (55 page)

We pull up the side road and I spot
Hem’s bench, near the tall oak tree. I know he’s there because I
can see him. Hem and I were always close, so this talk we are about
to have is an important one. I’m not oblivious to the fact that I
will have to do all the talking but in a way that’s good. He needs
to hear what I have to say. I have a lot to yell at him for and I’m
not going to hold back. It has been six full months since I’ve seen
his face or heard his voice. We had terrible words last time we
were in the same room, fighting over Hem and his need for revenge
and his lack of ability to think things through.

“
I’m staying in the car.
You go to him and have your talk, just don’t forget his whiskey.
You got him the good stuff, he should appreciate it.” Shame grabs
my neck and pulls me to him, kissing the crown of my head hard.
When he lets go he stares at me, searching my face. I’m so nervous
right now and I don’t want to fall apart so I give him what he’s
asking for, yet again.

“
Shame honey, I told you
I’m fine and I really am. Just let me do this now before I lose my
nerve and go another 6 months without seeing him.”

He lets me go and I get out of the
car, not forgetting the whiskey. I haul it with me to the old tree
and as I get closer to Hem my heart starts to race. I need to start
this conversation and say what I have to say before I can enjoy a
visit of any other kind.

I put the bottle down and look at him.
Before even a second passes I start to breakdown and then talk.
“Brother I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been here. You must hate
me right now. I just couldn’t bring myself to come see you. I’ve
missed you though.”

Tears are starting to fall down my
face. To distract myself momentarily I grab the bottle, opening it,
and set it down for him. “Things aren’t the same without you in my
life, Hem. I’m so damn pregnant and these hormones aren’t helping
me get through any of this. I miss my glue.”

I take a second to examine the ground
in front of me. I see that there is debris laying at my feet near
the bench so I bend down to swipe it away and it’s a direct hit to
my heart. I haven’t been here since any of this happened. I was in
shock at the time and I had refused to go to the funeral. Father
Marcus wouldn’t leave me alone, but I told him that if I go to the
funeral then it makes all this real. It wasn’t real for me then, I
wouldn’t allow it. That is how I coped the last six months,
actually I wasn’t coping at all, I was just in denial. Until
now.

Patrick ‘Hem’
Collins

1981-2013

Beloved Son, Brother,
Husband, and Father

Watch over us from
Heaven

I have waited so long to come here
because I couldn’t face looking into the ground and knowing he was
never coming back. This makes it real. I have to believe that I’m
not without him entirely and that he is watching over us from
above.

He never will have met his son. Hem
got to marry the love of his life and he made a beautiful baby boy
with her but never got to meet him. Their son is such a resemblance
of the two of them. Hem’s physical features are the most prominent
but when that baby sighs, smiles in sleep, or cries big and heavy
tears – that’s all Sade.

I have many more things to say, if I
don’t focus on that than I won’t get through it. “Shame came too
late that night, Hem. He hates himself for it. He was a mess for a
long time after you left us, blaming himself. Why didn’t you tell
us what you were doing? We could have helped you. Why did you go to
Warren? You had to have known what he planned for you. Shame was so
messed up after you died, he had to be locked down. Took a while
before he came back to me, he had to get help after you left him
here. He misses you like we all miss you but he’s lucky, he allowed
himself to grieve and move on. He’s upset with me because I’m
holding on to a memory in hopes that by some chance miracle you’re
coming back. You’re not though, I know this. It is something I can
admit to after being here and seeing you.”

It gives me a bit of relief knowing
that Hem is with Mom and Doc and for the first time in any lifetime
that he’s been given, Hem knows love from both Mom and the man he
thought of like a father, my father.

“
I love you, Hem. We’re
going to look after Sadey and the baby. With him here now I don’t
feel completely without you. Your son Patrick Neil, he has your
eyes. I see your gentleness in him. He sees through me as if he’s
looking for you. He’s a beautiful healthy boy. Our family will be
okay in time. Sade and Patrick aren’t alone, but you already know
that. You wouldn’t have done what you did if you didn’t know they
would always be safe. I will come back and see you again soon. The
boys are waiting for me at the Club, it’s time to finally lay you
down to rest and with my final acceptance, we are all doing it
tonight. I love you brother. Look after all of us from above, we
will need it.”

I look up for the first time and see
Shame coming towards me. He has a look of concern for me on his
face but honestly I’m better now than I thought I would be. I’m
glad I came but I also know I couldn’t have come any sooner. I
wasn’t ready and it would have been too overwhelming. I had more to
think about than just myself.

Epilogue
:

“
You are everything good and straight and fine
and true—and I see that so clearly now, in the way you’ve carried
yourself and listened to your own heart.  You’ve changed me
more than you know, and will always be a part of everything I am.
 That’s one thing I’ve learned from this. No one you love is
ever truly lost.”

--
Pauline Pfeiffer Hemingway

--Sadey--

“
Goodnight my sweet boy, I
love you.”  

He’s so tired from being
around those rowdy bikers at the Club, he’s going to need to get
used to that.  I need to put him down in his crib for sleep,
but I can’t tonight.  I don’t want to be alone after reliving
the memories of Hem with Mace and all his brothers.

I’m so relieved that Mace
came back to the Club this evening.  She needed to put things
to rest with Hem.  She’s been dealing with his loss so slowly
before going to see him today, I’m hoping she heals now that she
has finally said goodbye.  God, I know I need heal too but I
don’t know how to do anything without him here helping me,
including this.  

I’m in this room again, our room, and
I feel so out of place here.  The memories of us are
everywhere but here the memories seem real.  It is so quiet,
sometimes I feel I can actually hear Hem talking to me in rhythm of
Patrick’s breaths as he sleeps.  

No one knows that I’m going
crazy, but I am.  I’m losing my mind a bit more every day.
 I am struggling to let him go because I don’t
want
to let him go.
 I loved him so long that my heart beats to a broken measure
without him.

“
Hem, can you hear me?
 I need your help and I know you’re there.  I can feel
something.  I can hear you sometimes ya know, I swear I do and
I know I feel you here in this room with me.

I think you talk to Patrick when he
sleeps, you watch over him in his dreams, do you go to him? Does he
know you yet?

I need you.  I spent my life
walking this path from dark to light, Hem.  I need your light,
please send me your light again.  Everything here is so dark
without you.  

I miss you so much, you left me and
I’m so angry at you for it.  We haven’t had enough yet!
 Damn you, Hem!  

You are my calm, you give me quiet
when things aren’t how I need them to be.  Please come calm me
now.

I see you in every face, Hem.
 Honor, Mace, Shame, and Patrick.  God, it is just
suffocating me, I can’t breathe.

There is no car, plane, or train to
take me to where you are.  I can’t get to you now.  I
can’t reach you.  I’ve been left behind and I can’t accept it.
 

Can you take me with you?  Just
help me find you.

Tell me you’re there, please.
 Tell me you can hear me.  I miss you, please come back
for me.”

Maybe I really don’t feel him here.
 I think I just need to believe he is so close so that I don’t
feel alone.  I’m so tired, I feel weak from worry.
 

Our beautiful boy lays beside me, I
lay my hand on his chest to feel his breathing.  I cuddle him
close to me, curled into my side.  I’m holding him tight and
keeping him safe.  I find peace with our child in my arms, I’m
finally ready to sleep.

“
Why, darling, I don't
live at all when I'm not with you.”   

--Ernest
Hemingway

--Hem--

Hello, baby.
 

Yes love, he knows me.
 I’ve been watching over him since I left.  The breath
you hear from him that’s us honey, you and I - shared in our
boy.

I’m sorry I can’t be there
to teach him about life.  You need to do this now.
 You’re strong enough, I know that you are.

Teach him to be honorable
and take care of all the people in his life.

Teach him to respect
women.  You as his mother and Aunt Mace lead him by example,
showing him the love he should expect from a wife because he will
be a husband someday, and he will need the practice.
 

You have to show him that
a love worth fighting for can withstand anything, even death.
 We are witness to this now.

Have him learn about
life’s tough lessons from Shame, Shame has a lot of those lessons
to teach.  

Protect him from himself
when he starts to overthink things as I did, help him come to the
honorable decisions, just as you always did for me.  Be that
same anchor for him, when he feels the storm is too consuming to
shelter it alone.

Tell him never to take
love for granted, life goes by too fast and can change too soon.
 Regrets cost too much in the end.

Share with him our
childhood stories.  Take him to the lake and the treehouse
that we built for you and protected as kids.

Teach him of his name and
tell him that it was born from a brotherhood, a bond, and a
family.

Most of all, be sure to
tell him that his father would have made the decision to leave him
again and again if it meant keeping him safe.  Ultimate
sacrifices are worth it every single time.

Please don’t be angry
anymore and forgive me for leaving.  It wasn’t a decision that
came at no price to me.  I would have stayed with you if I
could have.  

Kiss my boy every night
from me and don’t let him forget I’m always with him.

I have to go now, Sugar.
 It’s time.  I’m at peace here.  Doc and I have a
lot catching up to do, there’s an endless open road that stretches
wide here for us.  

You’re going to be
okay.

Last, I say to you now
with heavy heart, that there is someone else for you there waiting
on me to let you go.  He loves you just as much as I do, never
doubt that.  I can see it in him now, you are a part of his
dreams.  He’s young and so strong.  He will love my son
and keep you both safe for me in my absence.

You won’t have to look for
him baby, he’s already on his way to you.  

Be happy.  I’m
counting on that, Sadey girl.

Always yours.

I am available for any questions,
comments, or feedback at the following email address.

[email protected]

The final installment to the Lights of
Peril series is scheduled to be released no later than February
2014.

Thank you for reading.