Holding On (30 page)

Before I can continue my
route heart first into my own sadness and despair I feel large
hands grip my hips with purpose and pull me back into a very hard
body.  I’m stunned but that good ole liquid courage has me
remaining my focus on the dance.  Derek gives me a curious
look, Peyton’s mouth has once again dropped, and Sadey is grinning
from ear to ear now.  

Well son of a bitch, this
means only one damn thing.  Turning around, there he is.
 All of him. No wonder Derek is looking at me like I’m about
to be kidnapped. He’s trying to decide if he should step in or let
this play out. No one can dance with a cowboy all night then be
felt up by a biker just an hour later without someone casting a
concern. Shame is wearing his cut and motorcycle boots on the dance
floor which adds to his scariness. His eyes look tired, but still
laced with his possessiveness.

Shame quickly turns me
back around so my back is to his front. Instantly he grabs my hips
harder, and then leans down while moving my hair off my shoulders
with his chin.  I can feel his two day stubble, the smell of
his consumed whiskey, and his breath on my skin just below my ear.
 My private piercing just went from awake to alert while
feeling his warmth.  

“
What. the. fuck. are you
doing out here, Mace?  Did Hem not tell you to be a good girl
while we were gone?”   He seethes at me.

To everyone else, we look
like lovers lost in an erotic dance.  The way he is grinding
my hips against him and how good it feels, I don’t want it to stop
but the voice in my ear sounds seriously pissed off.

I ignore his words though as the
alcohol continues to take me under my invincible sheet.
 Shutting my eyes, keeping to the beat of the music I line my
back up to his chest and slide down slowly until my heels touch my
ass then bolt back up and bend over slightly putting more weight
into his groin. I’m wearing a tight wraparound dress so I am
careful not to expose myself to anyone else.

God all of a sudden I
don’t feel like I can’t dance, I feel beautiful because I’m
comfortable and feel safe here with Shame, I feel untouchable to
anyone else in his presence.   

Shame runs his hand from
my ass to my shoulder blades while still gripping my hip with the
other and I’m still slightly bent over, my ass is in contact with
his groin moving in circles against his growing cock, slowly and
not in time with the reckless music.  Can’t say at this point
I can even hear the music, I can only feel the movement and what
I’m doing to him. I don’t think I’m drunk with the alcohol at this
point, it is power and lust that is adding to my confidence
now.

He grabs my long hair, spins it around
his wrist and yanks hard so I’m standing up again and my back is
flush with his front and my neck is titled at his face, “Tell your
friends goodbye now Sweetheart, we’re leaving.”  

Sadey sees our show and
gives a knowing wink to Peyton to let her know it’s okay and that
this is sexual tension not abuse she is witnessing.  Peyton is
familiar with Shame, being that she’s admitted to how his
appearance affects her so she’s still just standing there not
dancing, just staring up at him.  

Derek though, I have
noticed now has nearly paired off with Peyton. Unsure if she even
sees him with Shames presence but I approve. He seems like a
good guy, maybe a little boring but I realized a long time ago that
I’m ruined for any man other than the one currently behind me
stroking my ass with his hands. He’s waiting for me to decide. If
we were still together there would be no hesitation in dragging me
out of here without my consent, but he knows how damaged I am right
now and in his alpha way he’s giving me all the power to call the
shots.

I turn around to remove
him completely from my touch.  He takes my cue and drops his
hands to his sides.  I left my purse at the table and if we
are going outside then I want to grab it.  

Heading to where my purse
was left I lift my head to see Hem and another prospect that I have
yet to meet sitting down at our table having a beer.  Hem is
pissed, must have been some truth to Shame’s conversation starter.
Even though I preferred to think of it as foreplay.
 

“
What
the fuck did I tell you before I left, Mace?  I fucking told
you and correct me if I am wrong but I was clear about it, was I
not?  Jesus little sister, it was in a damn written text
message. I could not have spelled that shit out for you any more
than I did!  If I tell you to not fuck around while I’m gone,
then you sure as fuck do not bring your girlfriends to a club,
drink too much, and dance with men you
do not know
!”  Oh, he is roaring
like an unsatisfied lion now.  Welcome back into the wild,
Hem! If he’s not careful he will to pop that angry vein in his
temple.

I am still a bit too into
my liquor, lust, and power combination to argue with my brother. I
would lose in mincing words with him sober so I’m safe to assume
that buzzed he would crush me.  Knowing my fight is pointless
I just lean down to the seat next to the unknown prospect and grab
my purse.  I then feel a little froggy so why not jump, I grab
Hem by the ears and give him a big ol cheeky kiss.  He’s
looking no less pissed so I just walk away leaving him there
cursing at the table.  As I walk back towards the front door,
Sadey and Peyton spot me and I motion and mouth, throwing my thumb
over my shoulder dramatically to point out to Sadey that Hem is
here.  She breaks out in smile and darts toward the table.
 Maybe it wasn’t cool of me to sic Sadey on Hem, but hell if
anyone can make that man smile right now it would be her. He will
give her the riot act, get a whiff of her, see her smile then he
will most likely drag her out of here on his shoulder while
smacking her ass.  Unsure where this leaves poor Peyton for
the night but Hem will ensure that his prospect handles babysitting
duty and I will call her tomorrow and apologize for leaving so
quickly.

Fresh cool night air hits
my face and it feels so good after being in that stuffy club for
the last four hours.  I still have not uttered a single word
to Shame, I have nothing to even say really.  I’m not angry
anymore.  He’s been gone for two weeks so I’m just glad to see
him back home safe.  Aside from looking worn from worry and
tired from all the miles on the road, he looks the same as when he
left so I can relax my guilt about that damn text
mishap.

Now we are just standing
outside the club, I can see Sadey’s car from here.  I have her
keys in my purse, I’m sure Hem will be taking her home or back with
him to the Club. I start walking slowly to her car not looking back
to see if he’s following because I know he’s there, his
overpowering frame shadowing mine.

“
What happened in there,
Shame?”  I’m tired of waiting for answers.  “Why are you
here?”

He frowns, but he doesn’t
look angry that I’m asking.  Probably just glad I’m talking to
him after his confession of loving me, or my face that is, last
time we met face to face.  “It was nothing.  I just saw
you dancing, you and I haven’t danced together since your Prom so I
wanted the chance and I took it.  You certainly didn’t move
like that when you were 16, thank fuck.”  He smiles and a
giggle escapes me at the memory of that night again.  Those
were better times, before we got so caught up in whatever this
is.

Moving closer to me, he
lifts his hands to my face and moves the errant hair from my
forehead. I have a sheen of sweat on my skin and the cool air is
giving me a chill. It was anyway, until he touched me. I lean into
his hand a bit, just his familiar scent reminds me of when we were
together just two weeks ago.

“
Hem wanted to find you
and Sadey. I told on you, ya know. Told him you were going out
clubbing with the girls. He said no one was going back to rest
until we found you. So, here we are.” He looks almost ornery now,
so he told on me. Petulant man-child.

“
Answer the other
question, why are you here?  What do you want from me?
 Nothing has changed, you left me Shame. Do you remember?”
 

“
I want you back, Mace.
 You know I do.  You’re a stubborn little shit and you
piss me off but God if I don’t need you.”  He stares over my
head not looking at me and he is waiting for my response to
that.

The street light illuminates his
features in front of me, but they aren’t the hard features others
see.  No, this Shame standing here is the person I long for,
the one I get when it’s just he and I alone in our
cocoon.

I know what I need to say in this
moment. I need to ask him to step back and get out of my space
because the closer he gets to me the harder it is to tell myself to
walk away and avoid more heartache. I like to look at him like this
though. Shame is always so composed and secure to the outside
world, but with me he’s always able to drop his façade and just be
himself.

I don’t respond to his
declaration at all though. Instead I side step him and start
walking towards Sadey’s car again.  I want to say what I have
to say of course, but I really want to be ready to leave after he
hears it.  He’s not meant for me, and after seeing him with
those whores again, it only cemented it.

Shame has never lied to me
in my life, good or bad I’ve always counted on hearing truth from
him. Watching him leave with those women, he made the decision to
break us and there is just no coming back from that. Understanding
that his activity with them wasn’t an act of passionate or
emotional betrayal because I know it wasn’t about expressive
attachment only physical, but damn if that shit doesn’t hurt me
just the same.

Once we reach the car, he turns me to
him and finally our eyes meet.  I wish he wouldn’t have
touched me, because this is going to hurt me to say anyway but with
his eyes and hands on me, and knowing he just put himself out
there, this is going to annihilate us both.

“
Shame,
I just got back from finding myself.  It took me two weeks to
even start to function like my old self again.  I’m trying to
not be dramatic here, but you have ruined me.  Seeing the old
Shame that night, you touching them and leaving with them after
you
summoned
them to your side and called
me
trash. We can’t come back from
that.  I know I can’t anyway.”

I take a breath to avoid
getting worked up and really lose my shit.  “You went back to
those whores, even after being with me. Choosing that life, instead
of ours. I was left there like the trash you referred to me as.
 You will never know what that did to me, ever.  Saddest
part about all of this is that I don’t really even know why you did
it.  I’ve been so scared to ask myself why you decided in
seconds that you didn’t want me because my heart knows it’s because
I wasn’t enough for you.  One woman for you will never be
enough, I made a huge mistake thinking that I would have
been.”

I’m talking so calm and it
feels like an out of body experience as if I’m just watching myself
let Shame go in third person.  “I’m sorry we ever got
involved.  I will never be sorry enough.  Not only
did I lose you because I did, I lost someone who was as big as part
of my life as Hem and Sadey, but I also lost some of myself in the
process.  Don’t think I don’t think about that. I have those
regrets on top of knowing why you left me.  It has damaged
me.”  

He hasn’t said anything, he hasn’t
even interrupted me in true Shame method.  He is just standing
there in thought, not denying anything I’ve had to say.  It
dawns on me that I was completely mistaking our whole relationship
and how he wants me again. He wants me back he says, but in what
context? I can’t be his friend again and I can’t be a casual fuck,
not after what we had, despite how brief it was. The fear and
reality that this is goodbye erupts inside me and in an outpour of
grief and sorrow I finally lose it.  I lean over and put my
hands on my knees and try to breathe deep through the tears.
 

I feel him putting his
hand on my back, this should be a form of comfort but it isn’t. A
few minutes go by, literally minutes I’m bent over trying to regain
my courage. I have to get out of here before I physically get sick.
 I start searching my purse for Sadey’s keys, never looking
over at any part of him.  Probably doesn’t matter at this
point, not as though this could hurt any more.

“
You think you’re not
enough for me?  Is that really what you believe?  You
don’t think enough of me to believe that I could ever fuck anyone
else after you?  God Mace, I couldn’t.  I wanted to hurt
you, that’s what you should be angry and pissed off about. I
intentionally hurt you, yes.  Fuck, I’m guilty.  I have
no excuse and no reason, other than I was hurting.  That is
what just the thought of losing you does to me, makes me fucking
crazy.” He’s removed his hands from me and is swiping his forehead
with his other hand in frustration.

“
Can you imagine what I’m
feeling right now, knowing you’re walking away?  Mace, I saw
you with Gunner when I walked in from what happened to Ace. I was
already reeling after what Hem allowed to happen to him.  Just
before seeing you standing close to Gunner, with so much
acquaintance, one of the brothers bitches could not wait to tell me
you had kissed Gunner just before you went out to us.  You
fucking kissed him, dammit!   After everything that
happened with Ace and how he confessed his love for Sadey, I was
already on the edge of trust. I didn’t even process what that kiss
could have meant. I know you love me, Mace. You do, and if I would
have just thought for a few minutes before I reacted I would have
known that whatever circumstance it was or if it were even true,
you wouldn’t have kissed him the way you kiss me.” His eyes are
filling with unshed tears and rather than focus on that I’m
watching his neck as his Adams apple bobs up and down and his body
shakes.