Holding On (26 page)

“So… sorry I passed out on you last night.” I was trying to
make light
conversation.

“It’s
fine.
I
fell
asleep
a
little
after
you
did.
It
was
easy
with
you wrapped in my
arms.”

I
looked
up
to
see
him
smiling
from
ear
to
ear,
dimple
winking
at me, and I could feel the blush creeping up my neck and heating
my cheeks.
It
was
incredibly
hard
to
stay
mad
at
him
when
he
was
so
damn cute.
I
had
to
turn
around
to
keep
myself
from
smiling
like
an
idiot
at
his comment. I flipped the pancakes and pretended to stir the
batter.

“Did you want to stay for
breakfast?”

“Your
mom already invited
me.”

I could hear that his voice was closer than before. The hair on
the back of my neck stood up, and I felt him standing behind me just as
he slipped his arms around my
waist.

“Plus,
I
am
not
leaving
until
we
talk,”
he
said,
kissing
my
neck.

Crap!

“Okay.
Breakfast
first.”
I
was
trying
to
sound
mature
about
the whole situation, but I knew that in the end I was going to be a
flipping mess.

I
tried
to
wiggle
out
of
his
embrace,
but
he
only
held
me
tighter, and
I
gave
up
without
much
of
a
fight.
I
removed
the
pancakes
from
the griddle and rotate myself in his arms. His eyes were sparkling, and
his look
was
intense.
I
could
feel
my
legs
begin
to
go
weak,
and
I
braced the counter behind me just as his lips met mine. He was gentle, and
it only
lasted
a
few
seconds,
but
my
entire
body
responded
to
him,
and
all I wanted was
more.

We
sat in silence while we ate pancakes with my mom and
sister.
Amy
kept
looking
at
him,
then
at
me,
then
at
him,
like
she
was
trying
to figure
out
what
was
going
on.
She
was
incredibly
smart
for
her
age,
and I knew that if she saw me look at him, she would figure it out. She
had seen
us
asleep
on
the
couch
when
she
came
home
from
the
movies
with
my mom last night. She might only be twelve, but she was
incredibly insightful. If she was just a few years older, I would be asking her
for advice.

After
breakfast,
I
took
a
quick
shower
and
changed
into
some
clean clothes. Once I was presentable, we decided to go for a walk. I
grabbed my
jacket,
and
we
went
out
the
back
door.
Our
backyard
wasn’t
anything special,   but we did live on the edge of the desert and there was
plenty of privacy and plenty of open space to explore.
Walking
in to the
wide, open land behind the house was like walking into the unknown for
me.

“So,”
he
finally
said,
breaking
the
silence
after
we
were
about
a football field away from the house, “are you gonna hear me
out?”

“Sure. I just can’t make any promises as to where this is going
to go.”
I
was
motioning
between
us
with
my
hand,
and
he
caught
it
midair and
intertwined
our
fingers.
I
was
so
caught
off
guard
that
I
stopped walking
abruptly.

“Look,
I
know
that
this
is
a
messy
situation.
It
never
occurred
to
me that you had no idea who I was dating when we first met, and it
never occurred to me that you two were becoming so close. I broke up
with
her
after
our
‘date.’”
He
was
using
air
quotes.
“She
didn’t
take
the
news as hard as I thought she would, and I think
it’s
because we had been
on such a long break from each other already. If I had thought about it
at all,
I
would
have
made
sure
that
you
knew
that
we
had
been
seeing
each
other.
I
kind
of
figured
she
told
you.
You
were
with
her
at
my
house, after all. What was I supposed to
think?”

“She never said anything about a boyfriend or that she was
seeing
anyone.
When
she
invited
me
to
the
party,
she
referred
to
you
as
‘he- who-shall-remain-nameless,’ so I still had no clue that I was going
to end up at your house.” I paused, not sure of how I wanted to say what
was
really
on
my
mind,
but
I
knew
I
needed
to
get
it
off
my
chest. “Look,
it’s
pretty
obvious
that
I
like
you,
but
I
just
can’t
do
this.
Natalie
is
my
friend.
Maybe
if
we
hadn’t
become
friends,
then
this
could
end differently, but I cannot turn my back on
her,
and I don’t plan to
sneak
around,
either.”

We
turned around and started to walk back toward the house. As
it came into view again, I realized that we were still holding hands, and
I tried to pull
away.
He held on tighter, and we stopped walking again.
I felt him pull me close to him, but I didn’t have the strength to look
up.

“You
and
I
will
be
together.”
It
was
a
statement,
not
a
question,
and he intended it that
way.
“I know that I won’t be able to stay away
from you.
You
have drawn me in, and I only want to get closer to you. So
we will find a way to deal with the Natalie thing. It may take a while,
but we will deal with this if you’re willing to
try.”

I
looked
up
at
him
this
time,
and
he
was
staring
straight
into
my eyes. I couldn’t help but want to believe him that it could really
work,
even if it was for just a few minutes. Then he kissed me, and I
wanted
it to work. I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted
before. I put every emotion that I had behind that kiss, wanting to tell him
with
without
words
how
I
felt.
I
wanted
to
show
him
what
I
wanted
from him. I wanted to show him that I was willing to
try.
I could have
kissed him
for
the
rest
of
my
life,
but
my
phone
rang,
and
the
moment
was
lost. I
pulled
it
out
of
my
pocket
and
knew
that
we
would
never
be,
no
matter how much either of us wanted
it.

Natalie was
calling.

My hands shook as I hit the Ignore button on my cell. I wanted
to talk
to
Natalie,
but
I
wasn’t
sure
that
I
knew
what
to
say.
Our
relationship
felt
awkward
to
me
with
the
knowledge
I
had
gained
in the last twenty-four hours.
Was
she even aware of what was going
on? Did she know about Ethan and me? There were a million things
going through my mind as we finished walking back to my house in
silence. I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I knew that I wanted to be with
him, but
I
also
knew
that
I
was
not
willing
to
risk
my
friendship
with
Natalie.

As we approached the back porch, he kissed my hand and then
let go and pulled his keys out of his pocket. I knew that there was still
so
much to
say,
so much to talk about, but I wasn’t ready to open
myself up to the destruction that was inevitable. Instead, I watched him
walk
around
the
side
of
the
house
and
heard
his
car
start
before
I
went
inside, up to my room, and let myself
cry.

I was pulling myself back together when my phone began to
ring again.
I
looked
at
the
caller
ID
and
saw
that
it
was
Brad.
I
could
deal with this. Right? My heart couldn’t break any more today if I didn’t
let it.

“Hey,”
I said, trying to sound as upbeat as
possible.

“What’s up?” Brad
replied.

“Not much.
How’s
the
snow?”

“Cold.
How’s
the weather there? Is it still chilly at
night?”

“Yeah, but it’s getting warmer during the days so it kind of makes up for it.” I could talk about the weather, but I knew we were just talking around bigger things. “So, what else is new?”

“Not much. I finally got Claire to leave me alone after ignoring
her for the last
month.”

I
knew
what
he
had
been
doing,
but
still
hearing
it
shocked
me
a little. She deserved a better ending. I had finally come to terms with
the fact
that
he
broke
up
with
her
because
of
me,
because
she
wasn’t
me,
but it still didn’t make me feel any better about the
situation.

“If
that’s
really what you want, then I’m happy for
you.”

He didn’t respond right away because he knew that I still
wouldn’t talk
to
him
about
us
.
The
last
time
we
broached
the
subject
a
few
weeks
ago,
I
had
shut
him
down
by
telling
him
that
I
wouldn’t
discuss
it.
I would love to be able to tell him the truth about how I felt about
him, but
things
couldn’t
change
between
us,
so
why
put
that
strain
on
our relationship? It already felt like it was about to break apart at any
given moment.

“So anything exciting happening there?”

I really wanted to tell him about all the drama that was going 
on. I knew he would understand the stupid situation that I had been
pulled into,
but
I
also
didn’t
want
to
talk
to
him
about
my
relationship
with
Ethan, or the lack thereof. He was my best friend—he was supposed
to be the one I ran to with problems like this. I just couldn’t bring
myself to
say
the
words.
My
situation
with
him
was
too
much
like
my
situation
with Ethan.

“Nope.
Same
stuff,
different
day.”
I
was
at
a
complete
loss
for words. I felt like I was lying to him by keeping things from him. “I
was
thinking about playing tennis this spring. Tryouts are in about a
week.”

“That’s
great,
Becca.
I
told
you
that
you
would
get
your
game
back.

Have you been practicing a lot
lately?”

I had been practicing almost every day and sometimes on
the weekends
for
a
while,
but
as
of
recently,
I
had
been
avoiding
the
courts. In truth, I had been avoiding Ethan. I knew that there were other
places that I could practice, but I never put the effort into finding
them.

“Not as much as I want to, and definitely not as much as I
should be. I still have some time to get my game back together.”
Like a
whole week.
Crap!

“Well,
you
should
go
out
and
practice
today.
Do
any
of
your
friends play well enough to volley with
you?”

Only
one.

“No,
but
they
have
boards
up
at
the
school
that
I
can
hit
against,
and I am still focusing on my serve for the most part. I have about
twenty balls
in
my
bag,
so
I
can
go
for
a
while,
but
then
I
have
to
chase
them
all down so I can go
again.”

“Well,
when I come out, I will hit with
you.”

Brad
was
horrible
at
tennis.
He
could
barely
return
a
soft
volley,
let alone one of my serves. It took a moment for his words to sink in,
and when
they
did,
I
was
shocked
speechless.
He
was
going
to
come
and visit me? His parents said yes? Crap! I was excited and scared.

“Really?”
You
could hear the excitement in my voice. I couldn’t contain
the
joy
that
I
was
feeling
over
just
the
thought
of
being
able to
put
my
arms
around
him
and
breathe
his
clean,
masculine
scent.
It wasn’t
until
after
we
ended
our
call
that
the
ensuing
dread
kicked
in, and
I
could
feel
the
bile
rise
in
my
throat.
I
wouldn’t
be
able
to
avoid anything
if
he
was
here.
I
was
going
to
have
to
figure
out
what
I
was going to do, and then when he got here, we were going to have to
deal with
it.

I made
the
tennis
team
with
ease.
I
was
nervous
during
tryouts
for the
first
time
in
my
life,
though.
There
were
more
girls
there
than
I thought
there
would
be,
and
the
simple
fact
that
it
seemed
like
all
of them
had
played
before
scared
me
to
death.
After
I
ran
my
drills
and started to watch some of the other girls doing theirs, I mentally
thanked my
parents
for
the
private
lessons
and
the
doctor
for
insisting
I
go
to physical
therapy
for
my
shoulder.
I
had
an
edge
to
my
game
that
I
didn’t see any of the other girls had. My training over the past week had
paid off, and my shoulder was sore, but I still managed to ace all ten serves to the assistant coach. I was pretty sure he was
impressed.