Holding On (29 page)

I sent Ethan a text saying that I would call him
later.
I was
waiting for his response when my phone rang and he was
calling.

“Hey,”
I
started
but
was
interrupted
by
my
door
opening.
Brad was
walking
in
my
room,
looking
sexy
as
hell,
and
I
think
my
mouth happened to drop open a
bit.

“Hey.
I was wondering if you would make time to call me.”
Ethan said
sarcastically.

“I didn’t,” I teased him. “I sent you a text saying that I would
call you
later.
I
am
headed
out
to
dinner
right
now.
Can
I
give
you
a
call when we get back
tonight?”

“Yeah.
I’ll talk to you later then?” It was once again a question
and not a statement. He wanted to make sure that I was going to call
him.

“Yep. Talk
to you
later.
Bye.”

I didn’t wait for him to say good-bye before I hung
up. Brad
was
staring
at
me,
and
I
knew
that
he
was
going
to
start
asking questions.

“Boyfriend?” He asked, raising his eyebrow a
little.  

Wow!
He nailed that on the first
try,
sort
of.

“Nope,
just
a
friend,”
I
replied
trying
to
sound
nonchalant.
I
was
not lying to him.
We
really weren’t technically
dating.

“It
was
a
guy
though,
and
I
could
see
the
look
on
your
face.
You
like
him.”

He knew me a little too
well.

“Yes,
but
it’s
complicated.” That was the complete truth
without getting into the nasty details.
Complicated
pretty much summed up
my entire
relationship
status
with
everyone
right
now.
“We
need
to
head
out to dinner if we are going to make it to
Natalie’s
on time.”

As we drove to
Natalie’s
after dinner, we were both so silent
you could
have
cut
the
air
with
a
knife.
I
knew
we
needed
to
talk
about
what
we were feeling.
We
needed to talk about the fact that he knew
about another guy in my life.
We
needed to talk about a lot of things that
we
had
avoided
at
dinner,
but
I
was
afraid
that
I
would
lose
him
again
like
I did
the
first
time.
I
didn’t
want
to
feel
like
that
again.
We
had
just
gotten to a point in our relationship where we seemed to accept that we
were
just
friends,
at
least
until
he
got
off
the
plane
today.
His
presence
was
all consuming of my heart. I wanted to be with him again now that he
was
within
arm’s
reach.
Would
I always feel like this?
Would
I always
feel like I was being pulled in two
directions?

I
pulled
to
the
curb
in
front
of
Natalie’s
and
cut
the
engine.
I
turned to
Brad,
and
as
soon
as
I
did,
he
kissed
me.
I
tried
to
fight
what
I
was feeling,
but
my
heart
took
control
of
the
situation,
and
I
stopped
fighting. I
wanted
to
kiss
him.
I
wanted
to
be
with
him.
All
the
hurtful
things
I
had said
to
him,
all
the
lies
I
had
told
him
and
told
myself
about
not
wanting
to be with him disappeared, and it was just the two of us, kissing in
my car like teenagers without a care in the
world.

A
knock
on
my
window
made
me
pull
away
with
a
little
jump.
I turned to see Ethan staring at me through a somewhat fogged window with
his
mouth
agape.
Could
this
have
gotten
any
worse?
I
was
a
poster child for bad timing today—first, Natalie catching me with Ethan
and now Ethan catching me with Brad.
Was
I really a bad
person?

I was sitting in shock, staring out the front windshield. I had
two sets
of
eyes
on
me,
and
I
couldn’t
look
at
either
one
of
them.
I
felt betrayed
by
my
heart
at
that
very
moment.
I
wanted
to
kiss
Brad,
to
feel his
love
for
me
pour
into
my
body.
I
also
knew
that
there
was
something
powerful between me and Ethan that I couldn’t explain to anyone,
not even myself. He was the only other person who got me, besides
Brad, and I was literally in between the two of them, both probably waiting
for me to say
something.

I
knew
my
reaction
when
I
saw
Ethan
spoke
volumes
to
Brad
about who
he
was,
but
I
couldn’t
make
myself
say
the
words.
Thankfully, he
didn’t
ask.
I
hadn’t
told
him
anything
about
Ethan.
I
had
actually avoided
the
topic
at
all
costs,
and
even
though
he
knew
that
I
was
hiding someone
from
him,
he
always
dropped
the
subject,
just
like
he
did
when
I changed the subject this afternoon. I wanted to be with both of
them for very different reasons, and it took that moment to realize
it.

I
slowly
opened
my
door,
got
out,
and
walked
past
Ethan,
up
Natalie’s
driveway, leaving both of them behind. I was not going to
cry tonight. I kept telling myself that all the way up the driveway,
through the front door, and into the bathroom. Then I broke down and let it
all out.
I
was
so
confused,
and
I
knew
that
if
I
was
confused,
then
I
had
two very confused guys outside waiting for me. They would be waiting
for answers that I didn’t
have.

After
about
ten
minutes,
I
finally
pulled
myself
together
and
joined the
party.
Brad
was
already
introducing
himself
to
my
friends
when
I came
out
of
the
bathroom,
and
Ethan
was
mingling
on
the
other
side of
the
room.
I
joined
Brad,
and
his
fingers
locked
with
mine.
It
felt different
than
I
remembered.
I
was
nervous
to
be
holding
his
hand
in front of other people, in front of Ethan.

The night was pretty uneventful. Natalie had managed to get
a couple
of
cases
of
beer,
so
the
drinking
was
pretty
toned
down
from
most of
the
parties
that
she
went
to,
thankfully.
I
didn’t
drink,
and
neither
did Brad.
We
made our way around the room, talking to people that I
knew pretty well. No one asked if we were dating, even though we caught
a couple of odd looks when people realize that we were holding
hands.