Holding On (30 page)

Natalie never mentioned the coffee house to me that night. I
saw
her
talking
with
Ethan
a
few
times,
but
it
looked
civil
from
where
I
was standing.
I
would
catch
him
glancing
in
my
direction
every
so
often, and
our
eyes
would
meet.
I
couldn’t
tell
what
his
mood
was
like
because of
the
distance,
but
I
knew
that
his
eyes
weren’t
sparkling
like
they normally do when he looks at
me.

I
tried
to
steer
us
to
the
opposite
side
of
the
room,
away
from
Ethan most of the night. If he was able to get me alone, he would want to
talk about
what
had
happened
in
the
car.
Brad
would
want
to
talk
about
it too, so I tried to keep us socially on the move. It seemed to work,
and by the time we were saying goodbye to my friends, I was hopeful
that all was
forgotten.

Brad
and
I
never
ended
up
talking
about
the
moment
in
the
car.
I was
afraid
that
he
would
ask
questions
and
that
I
wouldn’t
have
any answers
for
him.
I
was
pretty
sure,
after
the
way
that
he
looked
at
me at the
party,
that Brad knew more than he was letting on. Our
chemistry changed, and instead of feeling the need to be close to him, to hold
his hand
and
cuddle
with
him,
I
felt
more
relaxed.
I
had
my
best
friend back,
somehow.

The rest of his visit was spent seeing the sights of the
city
and,
of course, he wanted to watch me play in my tournament.
We
didn’t
kiss again
after
that
first
day.
He
held
my
hand
wherever
we
went,
and
I
was pretty sure we looked like a couple. The tension that had been there
the first day intensified as his departure became closer. Had I pushed
him away?
Would
I still have my best friend when I went home to visit in
a few
months?

The
day
I
took
him
back
to
the
airport
was
the
worst.
Once
we
were
on
the
road,
he
grabbed
my
hand
and
started
running
his
thumb
over
my knuckles.
It
was
such
an
intimate
thing
to
do
that
I
feared
we
were
right back
where
we
started
when
he
arrived.
The
car
was
filled
with
tension, and the fact that both of us were silent made it even
thicker.

Is this really what I wanted? Did I want to let him go? The
internal battles were raging in my head and my heart. I loved this man for
more reasons than I could even try to count.
We
had been through hell
and back
on
too
many
occasions.
I
was
struggling
to
let
him
go
when
I
really wanted to hold onto him but in what way? Did I want him as my
best friend or my
boyfriend?

I
had
managed
to
avoid
Ethan
the
entire
time
that
Brad
was
here after that first night. I was expecting him to call and want to
“discuss” what he saw in my
car.
He had asked me before I left for the airport if
I was in love with Brad, and I wasn’t able to answer him. Now I
needed to
answer
that
question
for
myself.
If
I
was
in
love
with
Brad,
love
love, I
needed
to
tell
him,
and
we
would
make
this
work.
If
I
wasn’t,
then what?
Could
we
still
be
best
friends?
Were
we
strong
enough
to
survive
this
realization?

Once we were at the security checkpoint, we had to say our
good- byes. He knew that this was it, our final moments together before I
was able
to
come
home
for
a
few
weeks
over
the
summer.
We
sat
on
a
nearby bench,
but
I
couldn’t
look
at
him
as
the
tears
started
to
fill
my
eyes, finally running over and down my cheeks. I found myself playing
with my ring and wondering if he still wanted me to have
it.

“I was surprised that you were wearing it. I figured once you
met someone you would take it off,” Brad said with a hint of surprise
and relief in his
voice.

The
shock
must
have
been
apparent
on
my
face
when
I
looked
up
at him because he took that moment to kiss me. It was soft and sweet,
but there
was
a
whole
lot
of
meaning
behind
it.
It
was
the
opposite
of
the kiss he gave me when he had first arrived. He was kissing me
good-bye in more ways than
one.

He
was
making
the
decision
for
me.
I
knew
that
I
would
always love
Brad,
but
he
was
taking
control
of
this
situation
and
not
making me
choose.

“I
will
always
wear
it.
You
are
the
one
person
in
this
world
that means
more
to
me
than
anything
else.
You
will
always
be
my
best friend.”
I
didn’t
know
how
else
to
tell
him
that
I
knew
what
his
kiss meant.
My
voice
didn’t
waver
as
I
spoke.
I
was
trying
to
make
sure
that he knew how much he meant to
me.

He
grabbed
my
hand
and
placed
it
over
his
heart.
He
didn’t
have
to say anything. I knew what he was trying to say; he had said it the
last time
we
had
said
good-bye.
I
knew
he
meant
it
with
all
his
heart,
and to show him that I felt the same, I mimicked his gesture. Our
foreheads met
in
the
middle,
and
we
just
sat
there
for
what
felt
like
forever,
saying
good-bye, without any
words.

With
a
final
wave
after
he
got
through
security,
he
turned
and
headed to his gate. He was on his way back home with part of my heart in
tow.
I
wanted
to
run
to
him.
I
wanted
one
last
hug,
one
last
kiss.
I
wanted
to go home with him. I wanted him to hold me forever and tell me
that we would never be apart again. He was my solace, my comfort. I
was
completely
torn
between
wanting
more
and
wanting
what
we
have.
I questioned
his
decision
as
I
watched
him
disappear
into
the
thick
crowd of travelers.
Was
this really what was best for
us?

I drove home through the tears. I knew that what I was feeling
was
a
new
kind
of
loss.
When
I
finally
pulled
in
my
driveway,
I
noticed Ethan’s
car
parked
on
the
curb,
and
I
wondered
why
he
was
there.
I didn’t
want
to
deal
with
“us”
right
now.
I
didn’t
want
to
deal
with
us at
all,
to
tell
you
the
truth.
I
hadn’t
heard
from
him,
not
even
a
single
text since he caught me and Brad kissing in the
car.
I figured that I
had ruined
any
chance
I
had
with
him
in
that
very
moment,
but
here
he
was.
My door suddenly opened, and I was pulled out and into his
arms.