Here For You (18 page)

“And don’t beat yourself up about this. This is God’s plan, His work, His grand scheme.”

“Yeah well, if it’s God’s work then he wouldn’t be putting you through this.”

“Honey, sometimes God has to do things that others won’t like, but it will all work out in the end.”

“Yeah, but how is you dying helping anyone out?” It was all bullshit, just like I said from the beginning.

“You’ll see, darling. You’ll see. Just don’t forget what I told you. And the doctor said maybe. We have to keep hope high.” Why was he always looking on the brighter side of shit? There was only darkness at the end of this tunnel.

“Shit. Hope. Ha. That’s a joke.”

He gave me a hearty laugh, a big giant laugh. “Oh, honey, I’m going to pee myself.”

I had no idea what was funny about what I said. “Really, Dad, you have a catheter on.”

“I forgot about that thing, you can’t even feel it.” Disgusting, way too much information.

When I grabbed my phone from my back pocket to look at the time I saw a missed text.

Grey: Hey just checking to see how things are going with you and your dad. Hope everything is good. I miss you (6:13pm)

Looking at the top right of my phone, I saw it read 9:47pm.

Me: Hey Grey, I’m here with him right now just talking. Thank u for checking in. Hope everything is good with u too (9:48pm)

He didn’t need to know the whole situation. It was nothing I wanted to relive, especially over a text message.

“Is that James?” my dad asked, trying to peek over my shoulder.

I pressed the phone to my shoulder, blocking it from him. “Nosy much? And no, it’s Grey.”

“Maybe you should call James.”

“Why are you pressing the issue, Dad?” I thought he was done with this crap.

“I would just hate for your friendship to be over because of some stupid misunderstanding. I know James is a stubborn bastard but he needs to hear you out. You need to set his ass straight like you always do. I’m not saying to get married, but fix it. You need each other in this crazy thing called life. Plus, I need someone like him to watch over you when I no longer can.”

Wow. I didn’t know whether to scream at the top of my lungs or shake this man.

I didn’t want to think about what he’d just told me or at least the last part. “Dad, I think it’s time for bed. I’ll think about what you said and I’ll stop by tomorrow, okay?” I helped him scoot back down, fluffed his pillow, and kissed his stubbly cheek.

“Are you listening to me, little girl?”

“Yeah, yeah, go to bed. I need to get home. I have a long day at work tomorrow. Goodnight, love you.” I decided that I needed to go to work. It was the only thing that could remove my mind from the state it was in right then.

By the time I got home I was drained, physically and emotionally, maybe even mentally. But my brain would not stop spinning.

I mean, life. How does one summarize life? Isn’t it just what you’re living, the people around you, your job,
life?
Or is it so much more than that? We go through life thinking that nothing bad will happen to us. What, are we invincible? Is there some sort of bubble around us? Can we not be touched by this thing called life? Life is about the choices we make to get us from point A to point B until we complete the alphabet and work our way back to the beginning
.
The points are either good
or
bad, never in between. Is there even an in between?

People are afraid of dying, but they don’t invest much thought into it. I mean, that would be horrible, thinking about dying at any time, any minute, of any day. And there are those people that say to live life to its fullest. Can someone enlighten me on what the fuck fullest is? Going on vacation? Traveling? Finding love? Cause if it’s either of those then I was definitely not living. Can’t being happy in itself be living to the fullest? I suppose even when you’re living life happily something can still come and fuck up your plans. But people aren’t happy with just being happy. They have to go for the big money, the pot at the end of the rainbow type of shit.

So what happens when life takes a huge turn? There’s no book to let you know how to deal with those things.

I was losing my father to gangrene and diabetes.
An infection of all things.
Damn it, the stallion that I once knew was no longer that strong black horse, but instead he was that fragile mule on its side, knowing it is going to die. I truly wondered what he was thinking about. He was the one fucking dying and here I was thinking about it all the time. He was the one who was going to lose his leg. Was he thinking about that too? Shit, how could he not?

Maybe I should listen to him and speak to James.

james

Getting ready for bed, I couldn’t believe what had happened earlier. I felt like I was being unfair but at that moment it felt right. Being a total dick, I’d had too much pride to apologize to her. How the fuck could I just stand there and hear those words come out of her mouth and not move? Her fucking father, her life, was dying and she came to me and I just kicked her out.

I’d just showered so I threw on some shorts and got into bed. Since the AC was on in my room I threw my light blanket over me, leaving one leg hanging out. Before I attempted sleep I checked my phone to find that I’d missed a call and had a voicemail.

It was Becca.

“Hey James, get prepared because this is going to be fucking long. Firstly, I AM your best friend. And maybe what you thought you did earlier was justifying something, but it didn’t. Secondly, you are a fucking asshole for not letting me explain. And thirdly, Grey wasn’t the fucking reason I was there but you would know that if you had just listened to me.”

She sighed heavily before carrying on. “Look, I understand that you’re upset with me for not texting or calling. Okay, you’re probably pissed that I completely ignored you, but it wasn’t because of Grey. I told you what it was and you still just stood there. You didn’t even come out to get me or anything. It was because of my dad and the situation we are in. He’s fucking dying. The doctors say he’s only got days or months to live. Fucking days. I went with him to a doctor’s appointment almost a month ago and they said he was extremely ill because he kept forgetting to take his pills and he wasn’t exercising daily. The doctor said if he kept not taking his diabetes medicine he would die. And because he didn’t, he caught gangrene on his bad leg and they’re going to amputate it. Fuck!”

She was fighting emotion, I could tell. “He’s not going to have a fucking leg, and there’s no guarantee that the op will help at all because the infection is spreading so fast and it won’t stop. He waited too fucking long to get treatment. I couldn’t talk to you before because you would’ve made it...real. Real as in, he’s really sick. Real as in he IS going to die. You don’t sugarcoat things and I know that, and I just couldn’t deal with it. I’m in denial over the whole thing. Yes, Grey and I broke up but you and my dad made me a tough cookie, especially since you left. So I’m okay with that. I had a lot of feelings for him after I tried letting you go. We text from time to time but we haven’t been together for a few days now. I can’t believe you knew that already. I don’t know what he did. Maybe he told the whole damn world that we weren’t together, but whatever, that’s not why I’m calling. I should’ve held my ground this morning and demanded that you listened to me but the way you looked…you’ve never looked at me like that before. So I left.”

I heard her take a shuddering breath and it almost killed me. “My dad was pretty confused about the whole thing. He thought you would’ve been there with me. Look, you don’t have to talk to me for what I did to you, about ignoring you for over a month. I just didn’t know where to go or who else to talk to. I tried talking to Emma but it’s not the same as talking to you. Just know that I’m trying to get through this. If you want to see him just send me a text and I’ll make sure that I’m not around. He’s supposed to be coming home two or three days after the amputation which is scheduled for either tomorrow or the next day. I’m so scared and…” There was silence except for a few sniffles. “Okay, this is long enough and I’m sure I’ll get cut off soon. Have a goodnight.”

I put the phone down and didn’t know what to do with myself. If I showed up she would know it was only because of the message and nothing else. If I didn’t, then what would she think? Larry was in the hospital and he was dying and I was here doing nothing at all. Everything in me wanted to get off this bed, get dressed, and go to her. Be there for her. But I was immobile. This was too much, especially with what went down this morning.

When I spoke to Juliana earlier I didn’t give her all the details. She just told me to forget about Becca but she had no clue just how important Becca was to me. She wanted to stay the night but I told her I was tired and was going to sleep early. I definitely couldn’t leave after that. She might get into a frenzy. But should I have left Becca to deal with this all by herself? It wasn’t like she had anybody else, well, she had Emma, but still, I doubted it was the same.

She didn’t speak to me because I’d made shit ‘real’. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? What, did she think that everything was a dream, everything was fake? We lived in a cruel world and cruel shit happened, but it all depended on how you handled it. And that morning, I did not handle it well. I should’ve let her talk, explain herself. But when Paul planted that shit in my head I couldn’t take it along with my own thoughts. And when she said about Larry, well, I didn’t know what to do or think.

I couldn’t even think as the events of last night and today consumed me, and just like that, my eyes shut on their own.

*

My alarm woke me up in the morning, and before I could register what happened I thought about the message Becca had sent me last night. I didn’t even think, I just did. I walked to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, splashed water on my face and went to the kitchen. I grabbed an apple and ate it quickly before stretching for my morning run.

I didn’t bother to start off slow, I just went for it. I left my iPod at home so nothing was pumping me except my adrenaline, all the thoughts that had been filling my mind, between Becca, my dad wanting to get in contact with me, to Larry in the hospital, it was a lot to deal with. Juliana always wanting something, never leaving me be for two seconds, was another thing. It was not like this in the beginning. Work had been crazy but it was the only thing I could do without thinking about other shit.

My calves started to burn as I pushed myself harder. I didn’t want to think, I just wanted to run, but I fucking couldn’t stop thinking. Not speaking or having a real conversation with Becca in over a month had made me put her to the back of my mind. But after last night, she seemed to consume my every thought, even as I ran. I wanted to think about Juliana, and my dad, but it all kept coming back to Becca, and then Larry. She had been extremely upset the other night and she’d driven in a storm to come to me. And what did I do? I kicked her ass out.

And as far as my dad was concerned, he could take his texts and shove them up his ass. I didn’t need this shit. Fuck. The burning increased as I kept pushing myself to the limit but I couldn’t calm down. The wind was breezing on by as the sweat dripped off of my body. My arms pumped back and forth with force but I didn’t stop.

Larry was in the fucking hospital and here I was doing nothing about it. What was I supposed to do about it anyway? I couldn’t help him. I wasn’t a doctor. Fuck. I just wanted to punch something…or someone.

I stepped down the boardwalk onto the sand and kept going. The grits of sands were hitting the back of my calves as I keep pumping. The smell of the ocean was overpowering, but soothing as well. Running became more difficult from the weight of the sand and the burning in my calves intensified. Before I knew it, I’d collapsed on all fours. Sweat was pouring down my face, making wet spots form on the sand beneath me. My heavy breath was blowing some of the sand to the side, eventually slowing down.

What the hell was wrong with me?

Becca needed me and I was just pushing her away. I was doing what she had done to me.

Just then, I felt something hit my back. It didn’t hurt, but it distracted me from my thoughts. Standing up, I saw a couple of young bucks, maybe twenty or twenty-one years old, probably on vacation or something. They were laughing as I made my way toward them. Everything in me was yelling to turn around and go back home, but I couldn’t. I wanted this. I
needed
this.

As I made my way to the group, I noticed the tallest one, who looked like he spent half his time in the gym, was laughing and pointing at me. Something was funny and I didn’t know what, but before I could think anymore I took a swing at him, knocking him to the sand. The few females that were behind them started to yell but I just got on top of him and started to pound him, he tried blocking, even tried throwing in a few punches which caught me on the jaw and above the eye. Running my tongue in my mouth I tasted copper, which only made we want to destroy him. Someone was behind me trying to pull me off but I shoved them off of me. Everything happened within a few minutes. They got me off of the young punk, blood pouring from his mouth and eye, but he was okay, he was standing. Without saying another word, I turned around and left, my heart simmering down from the adrenaline rush I’d just enjoyed.