Here For You (22 page)

Standing on the front yard, I debated what to do. Did I walk home? Or did I go inside and get to the bottom of this? Why was it at moments like this I always wanted to take the easy way out? I knew I fucking wanted to. I wanted to say, “Fuck you, Becca. I’ll be here for you and your dad but after that we go back to friends.” But it would never be the same after tonight. It’d be too fucking awkward.

Shit with Juliana was going pretty good, but then if I had to consciously remind myself of her then what did that mean? How long would we last? As I stood there with the stars above my head, I looked to my left toward my mom’s house, and to my right at Becca’s house.

My feet just walked.

I could hear the wet grass under my sneakers as the rain continued to come down. All of those other decisions in my life didn’t really compare to the one I had just made.

becca

What did he want me to say? Did he think I would just shout at the top of my voice that, yes, I had gotten upset when I saw his girlfriend? Who was I to say that? After all the time that I’d had a boyfriend, how the fuck could I get upset with that shit? He wasn’t mine, nor had he ever been my boyfriend. He’d never made it known that he wanted me. He made it seem like he wanted a sister, a fucking sister he’d never had. If I told him how I actually felt then things would never be the same again.

After taking off my jacket I opened the fridge and pulled out a Corona before making my way to the sink. I was soaking wet from the surprising attack of rain. Puddles were forming on the floor wherever I stepped. I peeked out the window to see if he was still there and he was. He was just standing there in front of my house, getting wet. The light gray shirt he had on was now dark gray, pressed to his rock hard body outlining his muscles, and his hair was pressed against his forehead.

What the fuck was he waiting for?

Leave, go to your girlfriend. Go home.

I could handle everything that was going on with my father. I mean, I had been for the past week and I could continue to do so. I’d come to the idea that this was how my life would always be. I was truly grateful and happy that James had built the ramp for my father, but that was it. People leaving and me learning how to deal with it, alone; I should’ve been a fucking pro at this point in my life. But this with my father, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. When my mother left I didn’t know her, I wasn’t old enough, but my dad…he was my heart and soul. How could I do this?

I held onto the sink, gripping it enough to make my knuckles white. Fuck, I was going to end up a cat lady.

I’d better start collecting them now. I would be lying to myself if I said I didn’t want things to work out with Grey. I wanted to be with him, there was something there. Maybe not that crazy fucking spark you have with someone, but there was something, and it could’ve been built on. Now there was nothing. He had texted me from time to time, but I knew he was fucking around.

Ugh.
Men fucking sucked. And
they
say
we’re
complicated? They
make
us fucking complicated.

I closed the curtain and turned to sit at the table, holding my beer, and watched as the condensation slipped to the bottom of the bottle. Why was this life so complicated? Fuck, I didn’t want to be an adult anymore. I didn’t want to go through life. How were people just fine with the bad things that happened to them? Were they fine with death?

Someone once told me that this life is precious and to live each day like it’s your last. You don’t even know when it’s your last day. And let me just say, if I had the fucking money I would have lived like it was my last day and brought my father along with me for the ride. Life was not fucking lemons and love. It was fucking heartache and death. That was it. We were just waiting to die. We didn’t know when it would happen but it was coming. We got closer every single day. We were born to die. So the big question was, how do you live your last?

I was the first person to admit that I was scared. I knew that it was okay to be scared, but I didn’t want to be. This was not something that one could easily accept. I was here for a reason. I might not have known what it was, but I was here. This was the catastrophic moment in my life that I needed to overcome. I was too young to experience the leaving of a parent, but this wasn’t the same as my mom leaving. No, my dad wouldn’t be walking around this world somewhere, laughing and talking. He’d be under the fucking ground while the person I had always loved would have his hands around someone else.

Fuck life.

Fuck this.

Why couldn’t I just tell him that I wanted him? That I wanted him to stay and leave his girlfriend? That I’d always loved him. How fucking ironic that when I didn’t have a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend. Shit, I shouldn’t have even been thinking about this. My dad was in the hospital; he could die any minute. But somehow James was always on my mind. Didn’t I tell myself that I wasn’t going to be this stupid, obsessive chick? That I was supposed to leave my feelings way back in July, back at that stupid party? I couldn’t do this.

I slammed my head onto the table, making my bottle tip over. Thank goodness I’d finished that already. I should’ve just told him. Who knew what would happen tomorrow.

Just then, the front door opened. I lifted my head quickly. There he stood, with his hands in his pockets, looking vulnerable. He hadn’t left? Why hadn’t he left?

I felt like there was a ton of bricks on my shoulders, because I couldn’t move. Or is it that I didn’t want to move? Fuck, I couldn’t do this. I should, but I didn’t want to. And because I didn’t move, he took it to mean that he should move. He was coming toward me. I lowered my head to the floor.

“Look, James, toni…” I wasn’t even done talking when he cut me off completely.

“Just shut up, Becca.” I went to open my mouth again, but closed it soon after. I didn’t know what to say to that.

Nothing
.

So I kept my eyes closed even though I was looking toward the floor. Just then I felt his hands on my arms lifting me off the chair so I could stand up. “Open your eyes and look at me,” he commanded.

I really didn’t want to. There were so many emotions running through my head, and if I opened my eyes I might have started to cry. I was so fucking sick of crying. I didn’t think there were any more tears in me to cry. But I did as he commanded because he was not in the mood to be argued with, and I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire that I’d already started.

I had seen just about every expression he’d ever made and yet I’d never seen this one. It was almost like he was looking at me in a different light, in a different way. Like he wanted to tell me something but he couldn’t. Like he wanted me to figure something out, but I didn’t know what. Like he was trying to memorize how I looked right now, although I looked like shit. It would have been so much easier if he’d just come out and said it. What was he thinking? I felt sick, you know, that sick when you’re nervous? Like something bad or good was about to happen but you didn’t know which one?
 But you can only guess that it’s bad and nothing happens, so it’s killing you. That’s the worst, when you don’t know what the person is going to say. You just have to wait and wait until they talk.

I felt my palms getting sweaty and I wasn’t even hot. I felt my heartbeat quicken. I was fucking nervous as hell. I thought I was going to pass out. If he didn’t talk soon I was going to run to the bathroom and puke, although I was pretty sure I’d dry heave because I hadn’t eat anything. I should’ve eaten the food James had made for me earlier.

I was just about to push him so that I could run to the bathroom and empty the emptiness inside me, but then his lips started to move, his eyes never leaving mine.

“You’re so fucking frustrating, you know that?” he asked.

Okay, I didn’t think he was going to say that. Did he want me to answer?

“It’s always been like this with you. You start saying something then you stop. You never really give out your emotions. You’re a fucking brick wall. Which is cool, sometimes, because you keep your heart guarded, but you guard it from the wrong people.”

Where was he going with this? I felt like he was unveiling what was sacred to me. Yeah, I kept things to myself; why go and open your shit up to people who might take a piece with them when they go? My mom took a huge piece and I didn’t even know her. Now all these other people that had left had taken a piece, including James.

“Of cou…“

“I said no talking, Becca. Fuck, can’t you just shut up and listen?”

Damn
.

He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m trying here, so just let me try, okay?”

I nodded.

“I might not know fully why you cover up so much, but you don’t have to with me. Out of all people, not me. There were times when I would look at you and I could have sworn you looked at me with those lovey-dovey eyes, then two seconds later you’d brush it off like it was nothing. How am I supposed to read you when you do shit like that?” He dropped his hands to his sides. “I can’t read you all the time, Becca. I’m not supposed to, that’s not how it works. You have to let me see the signs and act upon it instead of hiding them.” His hands brushed my fingers. “See? Like that, right there. When I touch you, I know your heart beats faster, your cheeks flush pink, and you hold your breath. But if I weren’t pointing all those things out then you’d try and hide it. I don’t want you to hide from me, Becca. You spent eight years doing that.”

Was he saying that he knew I had feelings for him all along? But he’d never tried anything? I didn’t want to talk but now I didn’t know if I could listen either. Frankly, I was growing more vulnerable by the minute. This was a lot to take in. I just needed to turn around, send him out, and go upstairs to sleep.

As I turned, he gripped my wrist.

“You’re not running from me, Becca. I sent you away once without knowing and I’m not here to do that again, nor do I want you to keep running from me. I didn’t mean to kick you out even after you’d told me about your dad. I don’t know why I didn’t go after you like I should’ve, but I can’t change that.”

I didn’t bother to yank free from him; he’d just pull back harder. But he pulled anyway, making me stumble back against his chest. His soaked shirt was pressed against my semi-wet shirt, but it still sent a shiver through my body.

His lips were right by my ear. I could feel his breath against my skin and those shivers turned into goosebumps. “I’m not good with words, shit, you know this,” he continued. I felt his arms tighten around my waist. “And I don’t have to use them with you, but I want to, I need to. You know how I operate, but when I’m around you, it’s only you, it doesn’t matter who else is around me. It’s been like that since the first time I met you and you probably didn’t know that because you were blind to see it. Because you didn’t believe someone like me would even be interested in you.”

His words were hitting home. I didn’t feel worthy of someone’s love, except my dad’s. My fucking mother screwed that shit up for me. If your own mother doesn’t want you then why would someone else?

My vision was blurry, my heart was breaking, and I didn’t want it to shatter completely. “James, stop.” I couldn’t take anymore. I was so confused. I wanted out. I wanted out of everything.

I tried to break free from his hold but he just held tighter. “Stop fucking fighting, Becca. I know you’re hurt because of everything that’s going on in your life, but I also know that you’re upset about me being in a relationship. It was your idea, remember? How do you think I felt every time someone placed their lips on yours? Or when they were holding your hand? When they made you smile, when it wasn’t me? I’m not the soppy romantic kind of guy, and I know that’s what you want. I can offer give flaws, and fuck ups, which I have got a lot of, but you’re the only one who accepted those things in me, and stuck up for me. I don’t know why you did,” he rambled. He even had the nerve to giggle softly.

“So, you’re blaming me for being in a relationship when you didn’t have the balls to be with me?” There, I’d said it. I’d let it out. I didn’t care if he wanted me to be quiet. It wasn’t fucking fair. “I always wanted to be with you. Is that what you want me to say? I always wanted you even when you were fucking around, sleeping with any woman with a pair of legs. My father is dying and you’re running through my thoughts at the same time. Why is that?”

“I’m not telling you this to argue with you, Becca.” His voice was soft now. “I’m saying this to you because I can’t just turn around and go back home, not without you knowing how I truly feel. I don’t know what changed, what made me see it. Maybe the ability to see it came with getting older. But I see it now. I see that I fell in love with you the moment I first saw you.”

james

It felt good to let something out that I’d been holding in for so long. I didn’t even know why I hadn’t tried this earlier, but I should’ve. I was trying something new with Juliana, but I wasn’t sure of it. I liked the girl but the feelings I felt for her were nothing to how I feel for Becca. The feelings I had just exposed to Becca were not something I would’ve been able to say to Juliana. Not by a long shot. Sure, I fucked around before her and had fun, but that’s all it was. To have fun, nothing special, and I wanted nothing more out of it. You know they say not to let your first love slip away because it might never happen again? Well, I’d known mine for quite some time now, and I knew she’d slip away. She had a few times in the past, and I might have slipped away too for a little while. But we always f
ound our way back together.