Here For You (17 page)

I didn’t want to think about it as I made my way to my own room and into my bed. Becca hadn’t moved from fifteen minutes ago. We had been friends for well over eight years and this was the first time she had ignored me the way she has the last month. I had gone a few days without contacting her in the past but I always had reason. She just completely ignored everything. And for Grey, out of everybody.

Sometimes life was weird like that. Sometimes it liked to throw these weird curve balls at you, changing the whole game. I wondered how my game was going to be played tomorrow, because with the way I was thinking right now, I was guessing it wouldn't be nice.

becca

As the rays of sun hit my face it was hard for me to open my eyes. I was trying to, but they just wouldn’t open. I tried to rub them and felt a horrible throbbing pain. Patting my eyes I felt that they were a little swollen. I must have cried so much last night that they were irritated. With my hands, I reached over to the side that I thought James was on but it was empty. I reached the other side but that was also empty. He must’ve gotten up before me to do some stuff and let me sleep.

As I lay there with my eyes closed I began thinking. I thought about things I didn’t want to think about, like Grey and how everything was going for him. He had tried calling me a few times, telling me how much he missed me, although he hadn’t left yet. I thought about Emma and how I would even begin to explain how much of a horrible friend I had been to her. But the only thought that kept running through my head over and over was James. He’d been out living his life and I had not been around. I had completely put him at the bottom of my list. I guess what I was afraid of was his reaction. What would he say to me? What would he ask me? Would he understand, after I explained everything? Would he even let me explain?

But I was here and I needed him. Finally, my eyes cracked open and I made my way out of the bed. Pressing my ear against the door, I couldn’t hear anyone, so I thought it was safe to use the bathroom.

I knew he had unused toothbrushes under the counter from the last time I came here, so I grabbed one to brush my teeth, then threw water on my face and walked out. James was leaning by his bedroom door, his arms crossed and pressed against his bare chest full of sweat. He must’ve gone out for an early morning run. On full display was that tattoo on the side of his ribs of a crow with its wings lifted up, fully exposed. It was all black and grey, huge and mysterious.

“You’re finally up,” he said, a little harshly.

Words didn’t fill my mouth so I nodded my head.

“I know why you’re here,” he stated.

My head whipped toward him.
He did? But how?
 Maybe he’d spoken with Emma, but she didn’t even know the whole story.

“You do?”

“And first, I just want to tell you that it’s fucked up.”

What?

“You’re going to stand there and act stupid with me, Becca?” He was pissed, this was not good. This was not how things were supposed to go. “Are you with Grey?”

What does this have to do with him? “No,” I whispered. I felt like I was being scolded for nothing, when in reality it was something, but not this something.

He stood up, running his hands through his hair.

“Seriously, Becca. You come all the way over here because you’re not with him anymore. What do you want me to do? Pick up the fucking pieces?”

Ouch, that hurt…

“That’s not wh…”

“You think you can just up and ignore me and expect me not to react at all? You know the type of person I am.”

“But that’s not why I ign…”

He wasn’t letting me get a word in. The lava was building inside of him and soon it was going to erupt. I’d seen him get pissed but never toward me. “Don’t give me that bullshit. You told me plenty of times how he’d told you to stop talking to me. And you fucking listened to him, Becca.” He was shouting now.

This is what he thought I was here for. “That’s not wh...”

“I was battling with myself last night when all I wanted to do was throw your ass out of my house. But we’ve been friends for a good while and I was always there for you when you needed me. You know how many times I dumped people when you called me? A fucking lot.” He was right. He was always the one to come running to my rescue. All those late night calls I would make when he was with his friends, just because I wanted him around for comfort. “But this shit is over with. You are old enough to know how to deal with your pitiful boyfriend shit. I am not here anymore to pick you up when you fall.”

If it wasn’t my dad it was James. Him being a couple years older than me always made me feel…safe. So when my dad wasn’t around and I was upset, or a relationship didn’t go well, James was always there for me. He was mostly there to knock some teeth out, but he was always there.

“Are you going to let me talk?” I yelled out before he could stop me again.

He just looked at me, jaw tense, hands balled into fists. “No.”

No?

“I spoke to my mom this morning and she said you weren’t with Grey anymore. Everybody knows that shit, word travels fast, Becca,” he continued. “Thinking about all the shit that has been going on, that’s the only reason I can come up with. And if that’s the only reason you’re here then you need to leave now.” He was breathing heavily. I understood that he was angry but if he didn’t let me talk then how would he know the truth. I couldn’t believe Grey had gotten the word out that soon. What the hell did he do, rent a billboard to put that private information on?

Grey wasn’t even the reason why I was here. Actually, at that point he’d barely been in my thoughts at all. When Grey and I broke up I was devastated, but from the years of break ups I’d had previously I’d learned how to deal with that kind of thing. I wanted to have that forever with someone, and a part of me wanted that with Grey. However, my main focus now was my dad. These tears were not for Grey.

“Is he part of the reason why you are here, any reason at all?” he asked me. I looked down to see his fist balled up. His fingers were moving around to release the tension he was putting on them.

“No.” I’d apparently hurt him enough. I thought it wasn’t going to bother him that much, but I was totally wrong. If only he would listen to me.

“Get the fuck out, Becca,” he snapped. Even though I’d said no, he didn’t care. He was set on Grey being the reason I was down here, the reason I hadn't spoken to him. I’d never heard those words directed toward me. Standing before me wasn’t my friend of eight years, this was a James who was...hurt. I was one of the most important people in his life and I’d betrayed him by leaving him, ignoring him, and letting him down. He didn’t let many people in so for him to have let me in was big.

Now I had just ruined it. I was worse than his father.

There was no need to explain to him my reason for being here anymore. I just had to deal with it on my own, just like I should’ve done last night when I got that call, what I should’ve done a month ago. So I didn’t say another word as I turned around.

“How would you feel if my girlfriend told me not to talk to you anymore and I just ignored you completely?” he asked, sounding defeated.

I wasn’t going to answer him, I didn’t want to, but I had no choice. Turing around, I looked him square in the eyes. “My dad is dying,” I whispered. His eyes widened in response. I didn’t bother to wait and hear what he had to say, I just turned the knob and walked out of the house that I had entered less than twelve hours ago.

No part of me was semi-healed like I’d hoped. If anything, everything had broken all at once, completely. The heart that beat in my chest was defeated. It didn’t beat for a reason, because soon, all that I loved would leave me forever. I was sure I’d just lost James. After a few minutes of sitting in the car waiting, I didn’t see him come out of his apartment, so turning the keys in the ignition I took off.

It was me against the world at this point, with nobody to fall back on.

chapter - 10

becca

You ever just drive, not paying attention to where you’re going, but you still end up there? That’s exactly what happened to me. I ended up in the hospital parking lot…again. This was where Grey had dropped me off for the last time. This was where we said our goodbyes. This was my destination even though I wanted to be somewhere else.

I wiped the tears that had fallen from my face as I entered the hospital. This place gave me the creeps. And more so after receiving the results the day before. I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t thinking at all. I was existing on autopilot.

“Hey, Becca.” One of the nurses waved as she walked down the hall. She’d been my dad’s nurse on and off since I’d gotten here.

“Hey, Joyce. Bye, Joyce.” She probably didn’t hear a word I’d said.

Making my way through to the opposite side of the corridor, I was finally in front of room 118. Why did I have a feeling this number would be with me forever? Maybe it would because this was where I’d received those devastating words about my dad’s condition.

Slowly, I entered without knocking. The lights were dim, coming from the side lamp. There were a few IV needles in the middle of my dad’s arm and he had an oxygen mask pulled over his face. He’d lost weight since he got here. The man had lost his beer belly. He barely had a belly at all.

Tip-toeing my way to him, I sat down on the chair I’d just grabbed from the other side of the room. Sleeping. That’s all he’d been doing lately. I think it was more by choice for him. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be in bed all day, doing nothing? I grabbed a pamphlet on his side desk, skimming the front, inside and back. It was about the hospital and staff, volunteer work and phone numbers.

My dad originally came to hospital because he had severe pain in his bad leg and now they were saying that he was going to die. The doctor said that the gangrene infection had basically spread throughout his body, and they were contemplating amputation.

Why did this have to be happening to this man? I looked at him now with his eyes closed and thought that soon, I would never see this face again. Possibly several days they’d said. One day had passed and now who knew how many were left. I would never hear his voice again. I would never laugh with him or tease him. I would never be able to hold him. My old man would be no more.

When I’d tried to ignore the situation I hadn’t realized that things were getting worse. I mean, I knew they were bad because of his diabetes, but never would I have guessed gangrene. Maybe if I’d paid more attention to him I could’ve helped him somehow, maybe there were signs I should’ve picked up on. Like the limp he’d had, or how difficult he’d found it to get up from the sofa.

I was supposed to be graduating soon; would he even be there to see me? It was what he’d always wanted and now he probably wouldn’t even be able to do that.

“What are you doing back so soon?” I heard a soft voice say.

When I looked up I saw that my dad had pulled the oxygen mask away from his mouth and he was smiling. I swear, he was going to give me a heart attack. I stood up to press the button for the nurse.

“May I help you?” a nurse spoke over the speaker next to the bed.

“Yes, my dad wants to take off his oxygen mask,” I informed her.

“I’ll be right there.”

I kiss him on the forehead. “Hey, did you miss me while I was gone?” I tried to lighten the situation to make him more comfortable in the uncomfortable state he was already in.

What was he thinking, knowing that he could die any day now? Was he scared? Nervous? Sad? He didn’t look sad, but how could he not be?

He tried to laugh but a few coughs came out instead. “You weren’t gone long enough to miss.”

“Yeah well, I guess I just missed you then.” I sat back down as the nurse came in to place the line for his oxygen with the opening on his nose.

Looking down at the pamphlet I had in my hands, my dad asked, “Did you see him?”

“See who?” I didn’t bother to look up at him. I didn’t know how I’d be able to look at his face and think happy thoughts anymore. They were just filled with the thought that he was going to die, even if it didn’t happen in a few days it was going to happen soon.

“You know who, honey. James?” That’s right. He was my dad. The freaking man knew it all.

“Yes, I did.” I tried to smile but failed miserably.

“And where is he? I don’t see him here.” He looked around to make sure he wasn’t going blind.

I knew deep down that my dad wanted to see James, probably to tell him how to take care of me. One of those stupid dying requests. Although he didn’t say it out loud.

“You won’t see him, Dad. I doubt he ever wants to see me again.” I didn’t mean for that last part to come out, but it did.

I looked out the window when I felt him touch my hand. When I looked at him again he had an expression that told me to start explaining immediately. “He thought I was there for a different reason, and when I told him why I was really there he just stood there.” I really didn’t want to talk about it.

A few more coughs escaped him. “Becca, darling, what does that mean? You guys have been friends for forever.” Damn, his coughs didn’t sound good.

“A misunderstanding is all.” Now I was getting annoyed. I knew I shouldn’t but I didn’t want to talk about it.

“Did you tell him about me?”

“Of course I did. What did you think I went over there for? To laugh and party?” I was looking right at him; he had tired eyes, and overall just looked…exhausted. Standing up, I started to pace. “He didn’t give me a chance to explain anything, so I just told him and left.”

I took a couple of deep breaths before I turned back to him. He had a frown on his face. “I’m sorry, honey.”

Quickly, I went to his side and held his hand. “I’m sorry, Dad.”

“It’s okay, honey. It’s okay.” It was like nothing bothered him. He was fine with what was happening. Smiling and trying to crack jokes. It wasn’t fair that he was joyous and I was raining on his parade. Maybe it hadn’t registered that he was
dying,
that
this was serious shit and that’s why he was being so nonchalant about the whole thing.

“No it’s not, Dad. This is all bullshit.”

I laid my head on his hands, his fragile hands that were once strong but were now wrinkles and bones. “What happened?”

He wasn’t going to stop with this James thing. “He thought I wasn’t talking to him because of Grey, at least that’s what he mentioned.”

I didn’t bother to look at him because I knew how he’d look. He’d be pushing me to continue. So I did. “When everything happened I stopped talking to James, completely ignored him. He thought Grey had asked me minimize my communication with James.”               

“Why did you ignore him?” He didn’t understand. For a smart man he was pretty clueless sometimes.

I stood up again, walking back and forth but never leaving the side of his bed. “With everything that happened and is still happening with you, I couldn’t talk to him. He would make it real. I don’t want any of it to be real. Everything is happening too fast and it’s not fair.”

I was looking at him now as a single tear rolled down my cheeks. He reached for my hand and squeezed it as hard as he could. “Make what real, darling?” He couldn’t be serious.

“This,” I said, removing my hand from his grasp and motioning to everything around us. “Life would be real if I spoke to him. You dy…you like this would be real. I couldn’t, and then when I needed him and wanted to talk to him he threw me out.”

“You just let him throw you out without talking to him?” He was sad for me. I didn’t want his pity just like he didn’t want mine.

“Don’t give me that face, old man. I told him. It’s not like he came running after me.”

He laughed at my words this time, with no coughing. “Honey, listen to me. You two have been friends for a while. I’m sure if you just explained then he would understand. You didn’t give him time to register the whole thing. You just left.”

Can I pull my hair right now?
This was seriously the last thing I wanted to talk about. “Dad, I wasn’t going to go inside his place and start screaming my problem out loud, as much as I wanted to.” Maybe I should’ve done that last night as soon as I set foot in his place. Maybe I should have screamed, “James, my dad is dying!”

Shaking my head, I erased that thought.

There goes my dad being stubborn. He was trying to sit up. Shaking my head, I helped him scoot higher. “Ahh, that’s better now,” he said, moving to the left and right to get in a better position. “Oh come on, Becca, it’s not like I’m dying tomorrow.” There he goes with his joking.

“Dad, would you just stop!” I didn’t mean to raise my voice but I was so sick of him thinking that everything would be all right. “You don’t know if you are going to die tomorrow let alone in the next few hours but you’re still going to die.”

“And neither do you know when you will die.”

What did I say to that? It was the truth; nobody knows when he or she is going. It can happen at anytime, to anyone,
even me.
“Dad, it’s just… I’m not ready for this.” My goodness, I felt like a freaking child. I just wanted my blanky, teddy and Daddy. Responsibility of being an adult sucked so much sometimes. All those times when I was young wishing I were older, boy, do I wish I could take it back. Reality sucked. Why couldn’t I just dream happy thoughts all day? Oh yeah, that’s right, life isn’t that easy.

Since my dad had been in the hospital I had avoided this whole situation. The day that I was with Grey and the hospital called for me to come I was devastated. Our previous visit hadn’t gone as planned, and I had avoided him every chance I could; taking as much overtime as possible and spending all of my free time with Grey. Whenever he needed something I was there or I would pick something up, but to sit down and talk,
nope.  
Even when Grey dropped me off from our date, I still hadn’t spoken to him.

I had been in
denial.

But tonight felt different. I didn’t know if it was because things didn’t go as planned when I went to see James, but my feelings couldn’t hide inside anymore. I wanted to wrap my dad in a blanket, give him any meds he needed and keep him forever, healthy and strong the way he was when I was younger.

“Dad, don’t go,” I whispered. It was like I didn’t want him to hear me, but I did at the same time.

“Oh, darling, come here.” He had his arms wide open, welcoming me into his embrace. I was never able to wrap my hands around him – his belly always got in the way – but now I could almost touch my fingertips. How is it when someone is sick they lose weight? He had only been in here for about two days but with the way he looked it seemed longer. He kissed the top of my head. “Baby, I’m not going anywh…”

“No, Dad, you are. You might not know when but you are. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but you are. Then you’ll leave me all alone. Everyone is leaving me. I can’t have you leave me too.” I felt like I was five years old again in my dad's arms, crying. He was the one who took care of me, the one always by my side. When I was scared at night he would hold me like he was now, until I fell asleep. “You just can’t leave me, Daddy.”

My tears were coming fast. I didn’t think I had any tears left to cry after the previous night, but I was wrong. He was soothing my hair, trying to calm me down.

“Don’t cry, Becca. Please. It’ll make it a little tough for what I have to tell you.”

The beating of his chest was strong, I mean, strong to me. I was no doctor or nurse but this was my spot to be and it sounded like it always had. My dad was a strong man who took amazing care of his little girl, but now he was a fragile old man. I played with him all the time calling him ‘old man’ but now it was the truth. As his arms wrapped around me I didn’t feel the strength that was once there. Now, he had a soft touch. I didn’t want to know what he had to tell me. I was scared.

“Look at me, Becca,” he told me, touching my shoulders. My dad was a tall guy, even sitting, so I had to look up to his wrinkled brown eyes. “They’re going to move forward with the amputation, maybe in the next day or two. I don’t want you to freak out but it’s for the best.”

“What? That fast? No.” They couldn’t amputate. He couldn’t lose his leg. He just couldn’t.

He tried to soothe the situation. “I will always be here for you. No matter where I go, what I’m doing, I’ll be right here with you.” He laid his hands over my heart. “You’re my angel, my little girl, well, not anymore.” I couldn’t help but smile, even in this fucked up situation I was smiling. What was wrong with me? “I won’t have to be here long after they amputate because I will be using a wheelchair. That is if you don’t mind pushing your old man around.”

“This is so wrong, Dad.” I held him tighter trying not to cause him pain anywhere.

“I know it’s a lot to take in, and I hate to ask anything of you, but even now as I talk to you, I am here. You just have to promise me that you will never forget that.”

“Never will I forget. I’ll walk to the end of the world pushing that damn wheelchair if I have to.” It was true. Wherever he had to go, whatever he had to do, I’d be right behind him, and if it helped his chances of survival I’d gladly take it.